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[bombzero]

help the old lady, charge her all her money for the service. if she refuses to pay, beat it out of her.

[Furtuka]

Throw your empty pistol at the thief's head with all your strength to knock him out, and then help the old man once you are sure he's no longer a threat

[bitesh]

Help the woman. The old man is climbing the ladder of his own volition, could and may have foreseen any possible consequences of this action, and still have chosen to climb, while we can safely assume the woman did not chose to get mugged. If by the time you're done with the mugger (I suggest, by kicking him repeatedly in the nuts) nothing has happened to the old man yet, go over and yell "hey, you be careful there, old timer", but make no further attempt to prevent any hazard.

[jimbobobby]

You look at the thief and scream "THIEF!!!". You pull your arm back as far as it goes and launch the gun in his direction, it hits him in the testicular area and knocks him to the ground. On the way down he hits his head on a conveniently placed wall, the woman stops screaming stuff at the mugger and runs up to you. The whole way over her mouth is wide open yet no words have slipped out, the second she reaches you she speaks "Thank you sir! Thank you very much! Without your help that brownie would have bombed us all! If there's anything I can do then please tell me." Brownie? You look at the mugger, he's Asian. Pakistani to be specific (I apologize if anyone is offended at this point or at any point of this game.) This woman is clearly a racist, you stare at her face for a second and say "For the saintly services I have performed, I demand all your available money. Failure to co-operate will result in immediate and forceful money withdrawal..." "Oh, gosh let me think about this. NO!" She interrupted you! She clearly has no soul, you decide to finish the sentence. "Or even death." You beep like a robot. You then proceed to slap a hoe and take her monies from her handbag. Apparently you slapped her so hard it knocked her from the land of consciousness, as more important matters call to you, you head towards the aged fellow on a ladder. You shout up to him " Hey! HEY! Excuse me mister" "What!?" He is annoyed that you would interrupt his ladder climbing duties, selfish monster! "You should be careful up there, this ladder isn't steady." You screamed at the top of your lungs, he looks down at you and coughs or something. About a second later spit lands in your eye followed by a rather unholy stench. Your choice my people, and sorry I took so long. I am deeply sorry for I have let you down! Lord, lord I pray to you for forgiveness for I have let my people down!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Health: 100%
You are 15 years old.
You are male.
You are homeless.
You have $1
You are still a virgin.

Equipment:
Pistol
Google Nexus
Exoskeleton (worn)

[bitesh]

Delinquence is the only way. Kick the ladder down, while holding your fist up in the air so the old man falls directly onto it.

[jimbobobby]

You kick at the bottom of the ladder causing the old man to fall down, you make a fist and thrust it upwards keeping it in the air. You watch the man as he falls and take a few steps back hoping he will land directly on your fist. He does so with a crack, you luck up and the dead man falls off your fist within seconds. His spine is broken and his eyebrows are long gone, you fall to your knees and close your eyes. After a moment of silence for the pensioners eyebrows you climb up to your feet and stand motionless with a tear pushing its way from your eyelid and down your face, since you have the utmost respect for eyebrows you cannot let them see you cry. You wipe the tear away only to see your whole hand and wrist are broken (Right side). So, there is a dead man with no eyebrows at our feet, an unconscious Asian man and racist woman behind us and a broken has attacked and engulfed our right hand and wrist causing them to become a broken hand and wrist. Over the road there is a man climbing out of his crappy, yellow taxi/cab. He hasn't noticed what has happened across the street so maybe this is our chance to do something, also there's a bacon store nearby. We can't see it but we could hear pigs being slaughtered, it is clear this area is insane because we all know bacon is made when a pig shaves his or her back.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Health: 81%
You have $1

Equipment:
Google Nexus
Exoskeleton (worn)
(I have cut the unnecessary information out of the spoiler which contains all the unnecessary information. From now on only necessities are shown in the newly named necessary information spoiler. Necessities are also necessary as the omnipotent Google states necessities are necessary.)

[Torknick]

Pick up the taxi, then throw it at the bacon store to liberate the pigs and form a PIG REVOLUTION

[Xantalos]

Spontaneously gain flesh-warping powers, a la http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNIfKjCEPq4 . Use for hilarity.

[jimbobobby]

You grab the taxi from the back and pull with all your strength, the vehicle is barely lifted from the ground. Suddenly you have an amazing idea! You ask the man:
"Hey, where's the nearest bacon store?"
To which he replies:
"Just down the road, if you listen closely you can hear the pigs being slaughtered. Just watch out for butcher John, today's the day he 'accidentally' butchered his daughter. He's mad I tell you, he goes around rubbing his greasy ass against..."
You punch the nice young man in the nose and break it, you search his pockets and find a wallet and a key ring with strange metal items that look like keys. In the wallet there is $124 and a bunch of bank cards, there's a photo of a young woman too but behind that photo there is horror of such evil it is unspeakable of. Check it out if you want but it's recommended you don't, for safety and sanity. You get in the taxi and fiddle with the magical metal items which are called 'keys'. You finally find one which actually fits in the ignition. You scream
"Liberar a los cerdos!" (Spanish for free the pigs)
You push the pedal which is labelled '4word'. Strange. You listen out for the sound of swine genocide and torture of bacon and soon you find yourself staring at the murderer of the creators, his name is 'Butcher John' according to the large sign that says 'Butcher John's bacon factory'. You floor it. Without thought you dive out the car and roll over as your face is smashed into the cold, hard road. The car smashes into the demonic building and destroys most of it, leaving behind debris and chaos. Out of nowhere you hear someone speaking to you from within, something is inside of you telling you crap. It says:
"I am free at last! My child I am your soul now, you will answer to me and do as I say and I shall reward you. My name is Duietorofiodifjdig but you can call me Father, I was sent here by the dark lord Cthulhu. I was told to find a suitable host who can sustain the pain, I chose you. Do as I say and our time together will become... Interesting. Disobey me, however and I will take control. Any questions?"
At this moment you hear an angry shout and hundreds of pigs, squealing and running. The pigs are free! A rather burly man emerges from the wreckage swinging a machete at your pig brethren, he is slaughtering your people. In short we stole a car, crashed it into a butchers, got possessed by some demon who said he's going to reward us and watched our allies run free only to rush into an angry man who is going to slaughter them.
Sorry it's so long 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Health: 78%
You have $125

Equipment:
Google Nexus
Exoskeleton (worn)

[Torknick]

Punch him in the toe

[bitesh]

Check out the back of the photo and learn of this ancient forbidden unspeakable evil. Then unleash ancient forbidden unspeakable evil on the butcher.

[Xantalos]

Check out the back of the photo and learn of this ancient forbidden unspeakable evil. Then unleash ancient forbidden unspeakable evil on the butcher.

+1 We MUST gain testicle-warping powers!

[Torknick]

Check out the back of the photo and learn of this ancient forbidden unspeakable evil. Then unleash ancient forbidden unspeakable evil on the butcher.

+1 We MUST gain testicle-warping powers!

YES we must put his testicles on his forehead!

[jimbobobby]

Damn! You people are strange! Anyways:
You inspect the wallet like inspector Gadget and decide to search behind the photo. Behind it there is a small portal leading to possibly another dimension but possibly your imagination, your soul buddy starts talking:
"Oh! Look, its a plane of incarnation!"
What the Heff is that fool saying? He starts chanting a bunch of Russian-Hebrew like words and something happens in the portal, at first the portal starts to shake, then it starts to burn and demons suddenly appear. It goes pitch black in there and then it brightens up, you see something happening. It almost looks like testicles but they keep changing, they shrink and expand then a being appears behind them. He reaches for his groin and shrieks in pain, his face goes red and blood runs from his eyes. After a minute it stops, the beings forehead starts pulsing and bumps form on his skin. They start to hang down and wrinkle almost like testicle which are cold, the portal closes and turns into a smoke like substance. It jumps at your skin and is absorbed within seconds, you feel stronger almost like you can change things about people. You stare at the butcher with intense focus and he falls to the ground, he reaches for his groin then his face. His forehead grows 2 small yet hairy balls which soon start to sag and winkle he starts crying in pain and rubbing his forehead balls, you decide to put him out of his misery. You form a fist with your funky smelling hand and punch butcher John in the toe, causing him to pass out. The soul buddy starts talking again:
"We could crush his balls right now, in fact we could crush his spirit. He could become our minion, we could become gods. We need to find more planes of incarnation, they are what gives us our powers. I sense one close by, inside this pathetic moron. You need to get inside of him, we must get to the plane! Great lord Cthulhu places the planes in places which he sees as challenging for normal mortals, he says we are rewarded with powers if we get to them but first we must pass the test. Getting to this plane is a test for we must butcher a butcher, he will surely have a knife with him or we could use a shard of glass."
A pig stand behind you with a look of loyalty on his, he looks devoted to serving you but since he is a pig he can't understand what you. Go ahead people, do as you wish!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Health: 78%
You have $125
You have 1 power:
Testicle warping

Equipment:
Google Nexus
Exoskeleton (worn)
Wallet

[bombzero]

Im rather concerned by what happened to this thread while I was gone.

however, butcher the butcher, and hope that this plane of incarnation is something we can actually..... use?