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[Heavy Weapons Pony]

Remove the shards of glass from your hand and turn the computer on to the loudest song there is on it as loud as it will go.

[lordcooper]

You grip the shards of glass with your teeth and pull them out of your hand, before applying a few band-aids.  You turn the laptop up to it's highest setting and play this on repeat.  You don't really like it.  You take a block of butter from the fridge and half heartedly roll some raw garlic around in it.  The microwave beeps.  The parrot is cooked through and has very crispy feathers.

It is now 6:46 AM.  The laptop is blaring out the birdie song.  You really are very hungry.  You have to be at work by 8AM.

[Edmus]

combine bird with butter garlic.
eat your culinary master piece.

[King DZA]

Put Derek in the newly obtained cage.

[Argonnek]

Scarf down the parrot and butter, alternating between bites of each. Be sure not to eat the bones. Take the hard liquor in your cabinet (it's guaranteed to be there) and douse your hand in it to kill infection then take a swig. Start driving to work.

[Flying Dice]

Scarf down the parrot and butter, alternating between bites of each. Be sure not to eat the bones. Take the hard liquor in your cabinet (it's guaranteed to be there) and douse your hand in it to kill infection then take a swig. Start driving to work.

Also, you work as an internal IT Help Desk tech for a major company.

[Aklyon]

Recite BOFH lines on your way there.

[ComradeGafarov]

Go back and steal more STUFF from your NEIGHBOUR's apartment.

[GlyphGryph]

Find a girl, take her out to a kids restaurant.

Slouch in your booth wearing dark glasses, and repeatedly let her know that you're a bastard. A right bastard.

[lordcooper]

You remove the parrot's bones with a carving knife before pressing it firmly into the garlic butter.  It tastes a little like chicken and you wish you'd removed the feathers first.  You do love Derek, but he can be a little untrustworthy at times, so you lock him inside the cage.  Your cabinet is empty, so you head back upstairs to obtain liquor from the businessman.  He is still locked in his bathroom, shouting down a phone.  You take a small bottle of whiskey from a shelf, pour a little over your hand and take a huge swig.  You tuck the half empty bottle into your pocket as you leave.

Recite BOFH lines on your way there.

Being a rather poor specimen of a bastard, you have nowhere near that level of magnificence.  Thinking about the BOFH makes you feel inferior, so you finish the whiskey off to drown out your nagging inferiority complex.

Find a girl, take her out to a kids restaurant.

Slouch in your booth wearing dark glasses, and repeatedly let her know that you're a bastard. A right bastard.

You have to go to work to make money!  There might be time for this later.

You take the elevator down to the ground floor and leave the building.

It is now 7:02 AM.  The laptop is back in your apartment, blaring out the birdie song.  You are a bit drunk.  Your breath and hand smell of alcohol.  You have to be at work by 8AM and it is just over an hours walk or 20 minutes in the car.  Your car is parked next to the businessman's far nicer vehicle.  A young woman is walking her dog, but otherwise you are alone.

[ComradeGafarov]

Take DOG. Use DOG to BREAK into BUSINESSMAN'S CAR.

[Aklyon]

Begin trek to BOFHdom, we can't miss the opportunity with the kind of job our bastard self has.

[Heavy Weapons Pony]

NEIGH! Use your EPIC WORD SKILLS to become GOOD FRIENDS with WOMAN and DOG then STEAL EVERYTHING she owns.

or alternatively find out where her PLACE OF RESIDENCE is and STEAL some MORE STUFF after work.

[MarcAFK]

Retrieve derek and utilise him to obtain entry into Businessman's car, realising you need the key reenter buisinessman's apartment to look for it, also steal some much nicer clothes.

[Donuts]

Say "Ni" untill she gives you her dog, then throw it at the window of the businessmans car, hoping it will break. Then drive away like the bastard you are