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[jaxy15]

Title says it all. Try to advertise your fort like a TV commercial.

"In Talkedgravel, we have meat, we have plump helmets, we have sugar, we have flour, we have lots of drinks, we even have fish roasts and strawberry pies made with flour, sugar and homegrown strawberries! It's better if you're a noble too, because we have lots of rooms for nobles! Come to Talkedgravel now!"

[Corai]

"Welcome to Blazedeath! We have a ample supply of fresh meat!

*Cue pile of dwarf corpses*

Friendly traders!

*Goblins charging the mitila*

And all the drink you ever want!

*The brewer is turning dwarf-blood into wine*

Come to Blazedeath today! You probably wont fall to the zombies that rule the surrounding areas!

[Lumix]

Enjoy your carefree lifestyle?
Want a little more danger and elven beatings?

Come down to Dogwaters, Where famine and death are prevelent in your new neighbourhood!,

Listen to these dwarven testimonys
Urist McWoodcutter "Damn elves told me i should limit my woodcutting, I told them ill limit their population!"
Urist McFisherman "A carp tore out my eyes, then had its way with my wife"
Urist McWardog "Woof!, Growl, snarl!"

This place is the epitome of dwarven engineering.
Secure your place, Today.

for only $19.99

[The Dog Delusion]

Billy Mays (Ghostly advertiser) on screen, gesticulating wildly with his hands

"ITS IRONGATES! Featuring everything you could EVER want that has to do with turkeys!"

"We have Masterwork crafts!"
*Camera focuses on a pile of turkey skull totems*

"We have Masterwork roasts!"
*Camera pans from the totems to a stack of turkey roasts*

"We have Leather clothing!"
*Camera pans from the roasts to a stack of turkey leather clothes*

"MAKE A PASTE! MAKE IT TEN TIME STRONGER!"
*A lever is pulled off camera, and the crafts, roasts, and clothes are all smashed under a drawbridge*

"IronGates! Turkeys! Drawbridges! It's ALL HERE, CALL NOW!"

[Maksie99]

"Come on down to the grand opening of Valleywounds!"
"I'm gonna be there! My best friend Udib Inoszes will be there!"
"You're gonna like what you see!"
"OOH, you're gonna like our dolomite statues!"
"OOH, you're gonna like all our new workshops!"
"OOH, you're gonna like meeting my new son Urist."
"My best friend Udib and I built this whole fortress, you gotta come down!"
"Is it gonna kill ya? Come on down it's for Armok's sake!"
"I'm gonna murder myself if you don't come down to my new -bleep-ing fortress!"
"So come on down to the grand opening of the Valleywounds fortress."
"My dad told me this is the coolest fortress ever."
"You think you know more than my dad? Don't -bleep-ing come then."
"It's the grand opening of the Valleywounds fortress. It's just near the Hills of Glazing."

[KodKod]

“We took one dwarf who likes to laze by the pool, and his lover, and gave him a holiday. A proper one.”

“Mountainheather, the Blossom of Compassion might surprise you. There’s more than one way to see our sights...” Camera pans out to show a dwarven couple cautiously crossing a rickety bridge several levels over an open volcano, covered in huge numbers of human corpses.

“We’ve always done our own thing here and followed our own path. You don’t need to join a club here, just bring your own...” Shots of dwarven couple being forcefully conscripted into the military.

“The natives are friendly and our welcome is warm, very warm...” The poor couple is now being sent out to wade in arrows from camps of human bowmen through a raging forest fire triggered by the volcanic siege-breaker weapon.

“And can you honestly think of a better place to have a wee nightcap before you turn in?” The dwarf is now in a cramped, stinking dining hall filled with more pigs than dwarves, all of whom are scrambling for the little alcohol the remaining brewers can produce. He is covered in blood and his arm is in a sling, his lover is missing.

“So this year surprise yourself. Visit Mountainheather, the Blossom of Compassion.” Camera fades to black as a dwarven woman is drowning her three children in a well.

[Corai]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

“We took one dwarf who likes to laze by the pool, and his lover, and gave him a holiday. A proper one.”

“Moutainheather, the Blossom of Compassion might surprise you. There’s more than one way to see our sights...” Camera pans out to show a dwarven couple cautiously crossing a rickety bridge several levels over an open volcano, covered in huge numbers of human corpses.

“We’ve always done our own thing here and followed our own path. You don’t need to join a club here, just bring your own...” Shots of dwarven couple being forcefully conscripted into the military.

“The natives are friendly and our welcome is warm, very warm...” The poor couple is now being sent out to wade in arrows from camps of human bowmen through a raging forest fire triggered by the volcanic siege-breaker weapon.

“And can you honestly think of a better place to have a wee nightcap before you turn in?” The dwarf is now in a cramped, stinking dining hall filled with more pigs than dwarves, all of whom are scrambling for the little alcohol the remaining brewers can produce. He is covered in blood and his arm is in a sling, his lover is missing.

“So this year surprise yourself. Visit Mountainheather, the Blossom of Compassion.” Camera fades to black as a dwarven woman is drowning her three children in a well.

Please, kill me now. I cannot ever unsee those thoughts.

[ThatAussieGuy]

Come see the majestic wilds of Stafffilled. 

See the colossal aquifer battery that endlessly power the heart of the fortress (to be completed)

Watch the dwarf militia train in their high-tech danger room to make them the best fighting force in the area (Closed for cleaning and removal of animal and infant remains)

Stand on the balcony and watch the local undead shamble over weapon traps filled with dozens of serrated iron discs (umbrella available for an extra fee)

Marvel at That Aussie Dwarf's latest mad scheme using pure engineering know-how (ETA depending on when/if the local necromancer visits)

[Loud Whispers]

Welcome to the Universe of Forever!

We say welcome, because if you're watching this, yeah you're stuck here. Nothing leaves the Universe of Forever, except things trying to kill us. And you. You are now one of us. Trust us, we've tried. We can't.

So!

Grab a pick, hammer or crossbow, because we've been digging the entire world for two game versions in a row, and the next flock of undead ravens are scheduled for the 21st of Felsite, finest accommodation around!

[Greiger]

Come to Watergate!  A serene tropical lakeside getaway!

Tired of those cramped "Resorts" built by those short hairy dwarves?   

Our fortresses are built with headroom!  All rooms and fortress hallways being at least 2 z-levels tall!  No bumping your head on rocks from unsmoothed ceilings!

And tired of those smelly hairy dwarves of no discernible gender that smell of beer and unwashed hair and the ever present beard hairs in your food?  Or using the wrong pronoun to thank a bearded waitress and getting the crap beat out of you? 

Our fortress is run by reptiles!  That's right!  No hairs in your food Ever!¹ And the gender of our residents is easily determined with a simple technique practiced by wildlife experts around the world!²



You can rest easily thanks to our patented puppy based goblin defense system!  As well as rest easily knowing you will be protected from vampires!

How can you be protected from vampires you ask?  Well that is a very good question you glorified monkey you!  We replaced one wall of every private room with glass windows!  That's right!  Whenever you are in the privacy of your room the entire meeting hall is watching you, keeping you protected from any vampires that may be present!  Just listen!

Vampire: "Seriously, those windows do pretty much jack.  It just means there are about 20 witnesses to every murder.  They are all lying of course, it was the crossbowman, but no-one listens to me.  Oh hey ape, you look tired, you say you can't get any sleep because you feel the eyes on you all night?  There's a nice cozy bed in my jail cell here, why not take a load off?"


So come to sunny Watergate!  A tropical paradise!



-----Current Weather forecast for Watergate-----
Today:-----------------------------Rain
Tomarrow:--------------------------Rain
Next Week:-------------------------Rain
Next year:-------------------------Rain
------------------------------------------------

Spoiler: For those browsers without functioning acronym tags (click to show/hide)

¹We cannot guarantee the smell would be any better.
²Side effects vary, but may include getting the crap beat out of you, and smelly finger syndrome.

[caddybear]

From the maker of:
"OH LOOK THE FORTRESS IS FLOODED AGAIN WHERE IS THAT MECHANIC WHEN YOU NEED LEVERS LINKED TO FLOODGATES"
comes:
DAWNRAVEN, the city in the artificial underground sea! NOTHING CAN GO WRONG!

Sign up now to get your personal bedroom waterfall*!

Live in the safest** city in the world! Nothing can go wrong when you can submerge the while city underwater!***


*The chances of drowning while sleeping is statistically insignificant according to the 3 month long test period
** Safety not guaranteed during the regular sieges
***In theory!

[GhostDwemer]

(Scene opens to six porcelain fountains running water. Classical music is playing)

URIST: Nothing says "I'm a millionaire!" like porcelain fountains.

(Much emphasis on the words "porcelain fountains." Urist points vaguely to the fountains behind him.)

URIST: You put a porcelain fountain in ya fort people are gonna say “What is this, a Mountainhome?” I’m telling ya! Ya gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. 

(Scene cuts to an entry hall filled with dead goblins)

URIST: Put 'em in yer front hall.

(Seven fountains appear, replacing the rotting goblin carcasses.)

URIST: I wonder where dat guy keeps his jewel encrusted war dragons?

URIST: You like sitting in a dining room?

(Scene cuts to two dwarfs sitting in a dining room. Behind them, a steady stream of kittens falls to their deaths)

URIST: How about sitting in a LEGENDARY dining room, with PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS?

(2 fountains appear in the dining room. The kittens are now falling into the fountains, which are awash with blood. The dwarfs appear pleased.)
(Scene cuts back to Urist)

URIST: You might as well start listening to opera in there.

(Scene cuts to a dwarf fluffing his pillow in a tiny bedroom. There is barely enough room to stand)

URIST: Are you gettin' ready for bed?

(A porcelain fountain appears beside the bed, showering it with water. The dwarf is surprised a fountain appeared from nowhere, ruining his stuff, and he begins to tantrum. Rapid scene change)

URIST: Try sleeping with a porcelain fountain in your room.

URIST: Guess who will be dreaming about carp caviar! You gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. You want more proof? Just listen to my beautiful daughter Tirist.

(Urist walks off stage, never taking his eyes off the camera.Tirist walks to center stage wearing a cheap pigtail dress dyed a brilliant blue and decorated with way too many clashing decorations.)

TIRIST: What are you kidding me? How can you not have porcelain fountains all over your fort?

(4 pictures of porcelain fountains appear around Tirist)

TIRIST: Look at dis one. And dat one. People are gonna see these things and go "He's got more money than an ancient Dragon living in a gold mine!"

(The pictures change randomly to other fountains)

TIRIST: You can even stroke your hands in the water like your some kind of Millionaire. You’ll think “Wow this is high end living”. That’s what your gonna think when you pick this one or dat one. This one, or dat one.

(Tirist strikes a "sexy" pose and stares at the camera. The pictures disappear off screen. Urist comes back to the center of the stage with an awkward smile and pushes Tirist to get off stage. Tirist leaves the stage.)

URIST: Now i got my son in law Stinthad doing all the installations. You don’t have to lift a finger.

(Stinthad walks to center stage beside Urist. Stinthad looks very uncomfortable talking to the camera, and talks rather quickly.)

STINTHAD: If you order one of these things you got nothing to worry about. I come to you.(Stinthad point towards the camera). I load up the wagon with the wooden pipe sections and the porcelain bricks and I come to you. (Stinthad point towards the camera). If you experience any problems with piping or spillage just call and I come to you. (Stinthad point towards the camera). Don’t like where we installed your fountain just call and I come to you. (Stinthad point towards the camera). I come to you (Stinthad point towards the camera).

(Stinthad takes a big deep breath in fear while he looks at Urist)

URIST: Ya gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS at Urists’s Fountainry in the Forests of Terror

(Scene cuts to the exterior of a large battle scarred fort with “”Urist’s Fountainry” sign)

Voice Over singers: What’s the news. Take the second left turn in the Forest of Terror, right after the forest titan's lair.

URIST, TIRIST, and STINTHAD: You gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

STINTHAD: I come to... (Stinthad point towards the camera Urist forces Stinthad to lower his hand.)

(All strikes a pose and screen fades to black.)

[Mrhappyface]

Urist McAnnouncer:Welcome to BloodChalice's Daycare and Youth training facility!
(Shot pans over lowest level cavern, full of jabberers and GCS)
Urist McAnnouncer:In an all natural environment, we believe that youth will learn best in this way!
(Screaming children fall from a trapdoor and land in the mud)
Urist McAnnouncer:We have the best in cuisine!
(Shows various children fighting over shriveled mushrooms and a cave spider)
Urist McAnnouncer:They will have the best in excercise!
(Overhead shot of children running in terror from a GCS)

Urist McAnnouncer: So send your kids to BloodChalice's Daycare and Youth training facility! We will guarantee that your children will earn the right to be called a dwarf!

[WaffleEggnog]

Ok, this  isnt really a commercial, its a TV show called Fortpresintation, that i just made up.

"*At Ancientcheese, you will live to be ancient, eating cheese!*"

"Come one, come all, to Acientcheese, the wonderful Fort! Today, we will be calling REAL people of the Sacks of Uniting to see what they think of Ancientcheese! If you yourself would like to comment on Ancientcheese, then call the numbe on your screen now!!!"

*1-800-555-555*

"Ok caller number one... Hello, your on Fortpresantation! Tell me, what do you think of the fort known as Ancientcheese!?"
"*** your ***ing ***"
"Ok well thats wasint good.... Hello, your on Fortpresantation! Tell me, what do you think of the fort known as Ancientcheese!?"
"I *** you **** your **** mother"
"Um, yeah, okay, next caller... Hello, your on Fortpresantation! Tell me, what do you think of the fort known as Ancientcheese!?"
"I think that you **** and *** you butt *****"
"Im sorry thats all the time we have for today, join us next time on.... Fortpresintation!!!!!"

[Orky_Boss]

Are you confined to the slums of the mountainhomes, with little food and an unsatisfactory salary?
*Cameradwarf shows a group of dwarves in ragged clothing, skinny to the bone, and looked like they needed a drink*

Are you forced to work like a slave, endlessly plucking and placing plump helmets, only to be put in your superiors' mouths alone?
*Cameradwarf shows the same dwarves farming in a dark hole, then the screen compresses and reveals a camera showing fat, lavishly clothed nobles eating roasted meat and wine*

Do you dream of a place where you can start all over, where you can make a new name of yourself?
*The dwarves are looking up at the stars in a dreamy trance*

Then come on over to Lokumkosh, a brand new Fort!
*The Cameradwarf goes down a hallway, passing by people farming, carpenters carving wood, and masons engraving the walls and floors*

It is here where you can find the friendship that the nobles had neglacted, where we will welcome you with open arms, and share stories of past wonders!
*The Cameradwarf enters the meeting hall, and the room is filled with happy faces, and a bronze-armored dwarf with a crutch is telling a story, with the dwarves listening with obvious interest. A couple in the audiance cuddles together as they listen*

While we may not have much right now, with bolt, plow, and pick, we will build ourselves up into a glorious mountainhome that will be the envy of all of your former masters!
*Camera shows a severily sped up slideshow showing a mightly castle being built from the ground up*

And before you worry about migrating expenses, we already have that taken care of! Just head over to the stables where your fellow migrants will be led by one of our dwarves,
Who will lead you to our fortress!
*Cameradwarf shows a group of dwarves gathering around a pair of goats and an armed dwarf, then heading out into the distance*

So come, and welcome yourself to the rest of your li-*narrator mumbles "sh*t!"*uuuh, to paradise!