I sometimes misread "Today" as "Toady". Is it a sign of something bad happening to me?
'Today' as 'Toady'? Oh dear. Here, let me administer this test quickly. I'm going to have to shave off a bit of that beard you've got growing there - it'll grow back, stop making such a fuss. No, you won't look 'like an elf', I assure you that your fears are entirely unjustified. My goodness... it seems you're exhibiting some of the symptoms more strongly than I'd feared.
Sit down. Here, take this questionable foul-smelling alcoholic beverage, you probably need it. Now, please brace yourself. What I'm about to tell you may cause you some degree of distress.
You have Tarnitis.
Now, calm down, you need to listen to the facts. As you may know, Tarnitis is incurable. Its effects are eventually fatal. Sufferers of Tarnitis feel an obsessive need to grow out all of their body hair and consume vast quantities of alcohol. They will party at any given opportunity, and will frequently refuse to work or do anything productive, claiming that they are 'on break'. They will develop a strange fascination with - sir, please stop playing with that sock. No, you can't have mine. Ehm, as I was saying... they are susceptible to the affections of felines, and should avoid animal shelters and similar venues lest they end up with an unmanageable number of pets.
You may also find yourself spontaneously worshiping toads. Tarnitis sufferers sometimes report having overwhelming urges to pet, stroke, or even lick real or inanimate toad-like objects or images. You are advised to avoid any of these, as amphibians typically carry many germs that can be harmful to humans.
Now, as for managing your disease, your best bet is to - sir - sir - where are you - no, you should NOT take the socks from that man who was just struck by an automobile - sir...!