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Author Topic: The Priesthood of the Forums  (Read 1979 times)

KoboldWarmonger

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The Priesthood of the Forums
« on: April 06, 2012, 12:12:57 am »

Recovered excerpt from kobold monograph "BEARDED BASTARDS: A GUIDE TO DWARFS, AND HOW TO PREVENT INFESTATION IN NEIGHBORING MOUNTAINS" chapter 3: "Understanding the Problem"

Deep in the mountainhome, below the constant revelry of the meeting hall but above the ringing hammer-strikes of the forges, in what would be a rare pocket of quiet, a perpetual argument rages. What is it to be dwarfy? What should we aspire to be? How can we best kill cats? These questions and more are answered, very loudly and at the same time, by several dwarfs. Their answers are never the same, and really, nobody hears each other. This is the Forum, started in year 57. Its purpose to prevent such disagreements from spilling out into the rest of the fortress, ever since the accidental breaching of an aquifer several months earlier by miners who, according to reports, were distracted by heated discussion regarding the true nature of crundles.

Dwarfs stand on tables and chairs, proclaiming their ideals and requesting the input of their peers. This whirlpool of ideas is a dangerous place for a dwarf who wishes to live to see legendary skill- it is liable to cause strange moods, and dwarfs will often storm out, seeking the traditional six to accompany them on an expedition. They see the truth, the one way to make somewhere to live. The way will be hard, but paradise will be built! They are generally wrong.

In the noise, some manage to agree- and several ideas have become memes, widespread in our civilization. The loudest proponents have started formal schools of thought (with associated uniforms), of which there are several:

Magmites: magma fuels industry, is a peerless weapon, and its discovery deep underground generally indicates a fledgling fortress' transitioning from deathtrap to deathtrap-worth-living-in. Such an important resource to dwarfs prompts obsession, and now whenever anybody asks anything several hooded dwarfs will surround the speaker, holding hands and yelling "MAGMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!". They wear bright red, naturally.

Dorfies: Life expectancy of a dwarf is meager at best, and this has lead some to think accounting for dwarf safety at all is a useless endeavor. They will frequently seek out fortresses based on the total number of urists of power generated, or novel unicorn breeding schemes. Over 9000 dorfies made pilgrimage to a well-known fortress before its mermaid farms were deemed unethical by the elders of the mountainhome. Unfortunately(?) most of them died en route. They wear a slightly darker shade of red than magmites (for blood!), which makes it hard to tell them apart, but that's okay, because they're generally also magmites.

END OF RECOVERED MANUSCRIPT

Any dwarfs having found pieces of this shockingly accurate kobold treatise are to report immediately to the overseer and contribute. On a related note, is your best friend a kobold? Please see attached document, "SPOTTING KOBOLD INFILTRATORS".

Graffiti surrounds this posting on the fortress chertboard. It is written in powdered bauxite, and simply reads:

MAGMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
« Last Edit: April 06, 2012, 12:16:37 am by KoboldWarmonger »
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Askot Bokbondeler

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2012, 12:17:50 am »

ptw

KoboldWarmonger

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2012, 12:22:45 am »

I eagerly await the shouting of my peers!!
« Last Edit: April 06, 2012, 12:24:20 am by KoboldWarmonger »
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dizzyelk

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2012, 12:23:06 am »

I'm glad I read the attached document. I noticed Orist passing on a fine mug of dwarven ale. Then I thought about his odd spelling. I grabbed his beard, IT CAME RIGHT OFF! He was a kobold, and I never knew...
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Somehow, that fills me more with dread than anticipation.  It's like being told that someone's exhuming your favorite grandparent and they're going to try to make her into a cyborg stripper.

ImBocaire

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2012, 01:35:02 am »

I'm glad I read the attached document. I noticed Orist passing on a fine mug of dwarven ale. Then I thought about his odd spelling. I grabbed his beard, IT CAME RIGHT OFF! He was a kobold, and I never knew...

I always thought good old Bomrek (although he called himself "Flajeekihus") had a speech impediment and stunted growth and some sort of skin disorder! Turns out he's a whole 'nother species!
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Loud Whispers

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2012, 07:51:37 am »

Recovered excerpt from kobold monograph "BEARDED BASTARDS: A GUIDE TO DWARFS, AND HOW TO PREVENT INFESTATION IN NEIGHBORING MOUNTAINS" chapter 3: "Understanding the Problem"

There is no stopping the swarm. All your minerals are belong to us.

Ultimuh

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2012, 07:57:44 am »

Hmm.. It would be interesting to see how this develops.
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NW_Kohaku

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2012, 12:28:00 pm »

Overseer! Overseer!

Upon inspection, I believe I have recovered a shard of this monograph, though I did not recognize it at the time.

It reads:

Mechanoids:
The followers of the cult of the mechanism, these deranged individuals often live in tiny, squalid conditions in cramped fortresses with spartan amenities, while the overwhelming bulk of their workforce is spent upon producing and installing incredibly complex sequences of mechanisms.  They frequently tap rivers or aquifers, for water powers their tremendous and logic-defying "reactors" from which their dizzying array of mechanisms draw their power. 

They believe in, and possibly have as the focus of their cult's religious worship, a most strange thing they call "logic", but not in any sane sense of the term, believing that their logic is somehow derived from water or fluid or the mechanisms themselves.  Sometimes they even rely upon animals or captured goblins for their "logic", although all they do is run through the mazes the dwarves have built for them. 

Their works are apparently ritualistic gifts for the Gods - simple adding machines built upon tremendous scales, or something called "eightbit" or even a grotesquely complex "water clock" that tells them what month it is, as if they could not learn from simply looking outside their cave.

Very silly bearded freaks, but so self-focused that they are less dangerous ravening lunatics than most.

They wear the brown of wood, bronze, often in ways that make them look like they are trying to appear to be more machine than dwarf, in spite of being little more than wood bark or cloth costumes, and they aspire to wear strange boxes upon which the holy word "GUNDAM" is scrawled, although the meaning behind this word is yet unknown.




FractFractFractalialialitetetesss:
Iconoclasts of the central stairway, and liable to cave in any room made as a simple squre trying to "release the true beauty of geometry", the "fracts" for short are insistent upon a strange obsession with repeating smaller and smaller numbers. 

Their fortresses are often quite compact, but nearly impossible to navigate, as they often are strewn like strangely repeating entrails wiggling around with blind corners heading into perpetually branching pathways that are seemingly always identical, yet always growing smaller. 

Their fortresses are more harmful to one's sanity than most, and apparently, the denizens of fract nests are no exceptions. They often go for years without eating anywhere but outside in a muddy pit rather than actually build a proper dining or sleeping hall "before its ready" lest they "destroy the majesty of the spiral".

It is better to say that they wear strangely precise disgorgings of random colors than any single color, as they repeat perpetually finer counts of specifically colored individual threads into their fabrics, and some have been seen trying to find a way to make a thread exactly 1/5th the width of a pig tail strand just to continue the pattern. 
« Last Edit: April 06, 2012, 12:29:43 pm by NW_Kohaku »
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NW_Kohaku

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2012, 12:50:04 pm »

This also appears to have been nearby the last shard:

Menaspikes:
Similar to Fracts, but with an eye more towards grandiose monuments than creating patterns for the worship of patterns for their own sake.  Menaspikes are not content to merely leave their barrels of sewer brew menacing with spikes - their entire fortress must menace with spikes!

Often building their entire fortresses as temples to some unkown deity "Armok" (who curiously does not appear in any dwarven religion in spite of "Armok"s many temples) or a single giant statue of a dwarf within which dwarves live, or even just a massive wooden statue of a hand apparently giving what appears to be a friendly wave to their elven trading partners (although as yet, they seem to have mysteriously stopped construction after only building one finger waving), Menaspikes are obsessed with making statements with their entire fortress.  Often stupid, and purile statements, even by dwarven standards.

These dwarves are nevertheless considered highly dangerous - they often make the most elaborate deathtraps, and are known to perform such insane feats as carving out a moat hundreds of feet deep to fill with magma, and bridges to fling captives into said moat for their own personal amusement. 

Their clothing menaces with spikes of iron, and has gray and black paintings of menacing spikes of iron if they cannot afford to menace their clothing with spikes of iron.



Uristopians:
An extremely fickle, yet arguably, the most sane breed of dwarf, they are dedicated to lives of their own greatest personal luxury imaginable.

Building massive dining halls of extravagantly engraved cast obsidian (where it is said any engraving of insufficient quality will be re-cast in obsidian) with indoor waterfalls and slave pits of captive elves and exotic animals for their own entertainment, and residing in homes that would make even kings of other dwarven cults envious, these dwarves have dedicated themselves to their own egomaniacal and corporeal corpulence. 

They often nigh-randomly select specific dwarves to become the "legendaries" who can benefit from these incredible perks (oftentimes being the likes of the very dwarves who engraved these halls), where the legendaries rarely deign craft goods of extreme value (much good looting!) while the rest of the dwarves either live in pits or are merely killed upon approach to the fortress, as these dwarves are not too keen on the whole "sharing" thing. 

Their mantra appears to be "masterwork, or it didn't happen".

They wear midnight blue clothing, because nobody wears red - that's the least valuable dye!
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Personally, I like [DF] because after climbing the damned learning cliff, I'm too elitist to consider not liking it.
"And no Frankenstein-esque body part stitching?"
"Not yet"

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Loud Whispers

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2012, 01:31:43 pm »

No military society? Urist means dagger after all...

Malarauko

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Re: The Priesthood of the Forums
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2012, 02:23:15 pm »

Brothers of the Urist.
These dwarves take what is a normal healthy hate for outsiders and transform it into a complex set of ceremonies. Often worshipping weapons made of confectionary (perhaps in some strange mockery of their opponents. You are so weak we can destroy you with nougat) and revelling in the dismemberment of opponents.
This sect is believed to originate in a game that closely resembled the game of golf. Known as either Gelf or Gobf depending on the dialect this game involved sending opponents flying massive distances with explosive results. From here the sect grew into a powerful force before falling into obscurity for a while because none of the brothers could be bothered to quit training and actually fight something.
The sect eventually became more motivated however and soon became a flourishing, complex society. We know only vague details of their inner workings but uniforms seem to hold importance in their culture. Unlike other sects of dwarves the Brothers favour direct combat with their opponents (although many Brothers are also Magmites and Mechanoids). The Ancient Tomes of the Brotherhood speak of many a young dwarf turning to the brotherhood to see them through a tough invasion before converting to a different sect later in life. It is no coincidence that many of the Tomes also speak of the Brotherhoods importance in the rituals preceeding the Breaching of the Third Cavern.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2012, 02:25:02 pm by Malarauko »
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