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Author Topic: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)  (Read 87713 times)

Arquestro

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #90 on: November 27, 2012, 01:36:41 am »

Offtop: Was listening to Rolling Stones's 'Wild Horses' - instead of "Wild Horses" in chorus i heard "Dwarf Fortress"
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LHLF

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #91 on: November 28, 2012, 08:13:03 am »

-snip-

You poor, poor newbie. I mean that honestly. All that prep... If only you had read Boatmurdered! It's never too early to start building up defenses. Oh well. Losing is fun, and there goes your first helping of it!

The worst part was that I HAD READ Boatmurdered!!! Nevertheless, I still didn't know how to make bridges and moats and I was too concentrated In trying to do more and more things inside the fortress... well, at least it was a nice lesson, hahaha
After that I embarked on a non-evil biome that, somehow, had necromancers and I succumbed to a zombie spiral. It was funny actually.
Now I finally got the grips on my fortress, on my third try. I have a moat, a wall with fortifications and walkway above it, and a nice army with iron armor and weapons. Now the goblins are just a joke. I will probably be dismembered when some forgotten beast appears or when I discover the HFS down there.
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Jetman123

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #92 on: November 28, 2012, 02:28:36 pm »

The worst part was that I HAD READ Boatmurdered!!! Nevertheless, I still didn't know how to make bridges and moats and I was too concentrated In trying to do more and more things inside the fortress... well, at least it was a nice lesson, hahaha
After that I embarked on a non-evil biome that, somehow, had necromancers and I succumbed to a zombie spiral. It was funny actually.
Now I finally got the grips on my fortress, on my third try. I have a moat, a wall with fortifications and walkway above it, and a nice army with iron armor and weapons. Now the goblins are just a joke. I will probably be dismembered when some forgotten beast appears or when I discover the HFS down there.

Don't get cocky! Goblinite may be an excellent source of minerals, but there'll always be another challenge, unless you're spectacularly lucky enough not to have any megabeasts or the like. The biggest danger after any military engagement is of course the tantrum spiral. Take lots of steps to prevent it. Your dwarves must be happier! _Happier!_
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LHLF

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #93 on: November 29, 2012, 02:08:10 pm »

The worst part was that I HAD READ Boatmurdered!!! Nevertheless, I still didn't know how to make bridges and moats and I was too concentrated In trying to do more and more things inside the fortress... well, at least it was a nice lesson, hahaha
After that I embarked on a non-evil biome that, somehow, had necromancers and I succumbed to a zombie spiral. It was funny actually.
Now I finally got the grips on my fortress, on my third try. I have a moat, a wall with fortifications and walkway above it, and a nice army with iron armor and weapons. Now the goblins are just a joke. I will probably be dismembered when some forgotten beast appears or when I discover the HFS down there.

Don't get cocky! Goblinite may be an excellent source of minerals, but there'll always be another challenge, unless you're spectacularly lucky enough not to have any megabeasts or the like. The biggest danger after any military engagement is of course the tantrum spiral. Take lots of steps to prevent it. Your dwarves must be happier! _Happier!_

Thanks for the tip! I already had major problems with tantrum spirals in my first fortress (after the first attack) and now I am pretty rigid on my life quality standards for my dwarves. Everyone (EVERYONE) has their own private room with door and cabinets on the way. All living quarters (nobles or not) have been smoothed (walls and floor). there is a huge amount of food and drink (always more being made), there is plenty of soap and the entertainment rooms (statue garden and dining room) are smoothed and engraved.
I know that this is not enough yet, but I'm hoping it will hold the unhappiness at bay for now :)
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ThurisLord

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #94 on: December 03, 2012, 05:07:47 am »

I recently saw a gem while looking through my legends mode. A colossal megabeast I made was killed by a modded race, but the race had abuse bodies. Despite its size(25000000), they somehow managed to hang it from a palm tree with a rope reed fiber rope.
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Argembarger

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #95 on: December 03, 2012, 12:42:02 pm »

The year was 551. It was the Age of Myth. Seven dwarves trudged across the plains to establish a stronghold at the base of The Tepid Spike. The area was of grave military importance for their civilization. It bordered not only the goblins, but also two necromancer towers. The dwarven civilization, The Silver Goblet, had been harassed by goblins and the undead for hundreds of years, but that was to end with this fortress.

The fortress site contained a volcano, for quick magma forge construction. Between directly fighting off incursions, and exporting masterful arms and armor back to The Silver Goblet, it was the hope of the Dwarven King that, with this fortress, his civilization could turn the tide of this war.

Unfortunately, somehow, there had been a mix-up when the expedition was organized. Instead of a crack squad of battle-hardened veterans ready to secure the volcano for migrants, The Silver Goblet sent out a rag-tag band of craftsdwarves and merchants who, upon arrival, sought to exploit the mineral wealth of the region for their own profit.

The bureaucrat responsible for this mix-up was summarily executed. We hope.

And so, Leafbarrel was founded, and it flourished for a time. The early crafts and clothes exported by the fortress attracted sixty migrants, and magma forge designs were drawn up. Miners dug down, looking for the precious metals and gems necessary to fuel a jewelry industry.

It was around that time that the wild animal corpses littered around the countryside began rising up from the dead.

In a moment of panic, the zero-kills fisherdwarf militia commander drafted every able-bodied dwarf into the military and sent them, equipped with whatever they could find, against the rotting abominations. Sixty half-naked dwarves, soaked in dirt, alcohol, and plump helmet juice, ran screaming out of the fortress, fists clenched and ready for punching.

The shambling bodies went down quickly, even to the weak jabs of untrained peasants. The dwarves spread out over the hills, looking for whoever was responsible for this desecration. All they managed to find were the footprints of a human, and meanwhile, the corpses, one by one, kept returning to life behind them.

While easy to kill, these frail zombies occasionally landed a lucky blow or bite.

One by one, dwarves started getting injured. Soon, dwarves started dying.

Dwarves were forced to start fighting against their own zombified comrades-in-arms, which were fresher and tougher undead than the wild animals they had been fighting previously.

And so, after two seasons of stomach-churning combat, victories became Pyrrhic and the necromancer was never once seen.

Named arms and upper torsos crawled alongside skeletal water buffalo into the entrance of the fortress and began to hunt down the remaining survivors.

It should be noted at this point that, during the militia commander's draft, the dwarven expedition leader had not been exempt from combat duty. After being disemboweled and returning to life as a zombie, the honor of leading the fortress had been bestowed upon a jeweler.

The sleepiest jeweler in the world.

This jeweler had slept through every bit of the undead invasion, from the very beginning. He didn't know the position into which he had been thrust. He just slept. And slept.

A few weeks after the invasion had begun, the legendary miner who had single-handedly dug out the entire fortress limped into the jeweler's bedroom. Missing a foot, his arm bleeding and mutilated, the dwarf patiently waited to <Attend a Meeting> with the jeweler while, outside, his brothers and sisters were being slaughtered.

Weeks passed. The miner's patience held firm. The jeweler slept on.

Months passed. The fighting died down. All the miner could hear through the locked door was shuffling and moaning.

The jeweler finally woke up to find a haggard, bloody, manic dwarf standing in his room.

After congratulating the jeweler for the promotion, the miner threw a tantrum, planting his pick in his esteemed leader's skull, mutilating the brain.

Explorers to the ruins of Leafbarrel will note a masterfully carved escape tunnel leading from the jeweler's bedroom to the other side of the volcano, and rumors abound of a stout, alcoholic hermit living somewhere in the mountains who'll kill you in your sleep.

Especially if you're wearing jewelry.

Edit: Grammar fixes.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2012, 01:15:58 pm by Argembarger »
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endoric

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #96 on: December 03, 2012, 11:08:42 pm »

I am new to this game.  its freaking crazy.

The newly arrived administrator strolled into the fortress of Chensheduzol (Chanceoils) with the latest immigration wave.  Her arrival was long awaited since the expedition leader's organizational skills and piss-poor management was rapidly sending this potentially great fortress down the gutter.  As she stepped out of the bright sunlight and into the safe and comfortable shade of the entrance tunnel the first thing she noticed was a Giant Jabberer the size of sixty dwarfs running straight at her and the second thing she noticed was its giant beak ripping off her arm.

As she lay face up rapidly loosing blood the Jabberer vomited and died atop her.  As the fortress butcher excitedly dragged the Jabberer's corpse away to the butcher shop for processing he commented to himself "Oh good the new manager is here, even as a corpse she could do a better job than the current fool."
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Jetman123

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #97 on: December 04, 2012, 12:47:09 pm »

-snip-

I'm grinning right now. Your writing style makes the story even more hilarious.
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Argembarger

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #98 on: December 05, 2012, 01:30:50 pm »

Seven intrepid dwarves strike the earth in a frozen, haunted, evil tundra. While the dwarves are desperately shooting off zombie animals from the south, a giant horned owl zombie chews Doren the Peasant's foot into a pulpy paste. Doren lies alone outside in the cold, hearing the bitter wind howl—or are those the ice wolf zombies, coming back for seconds?—for an entire miserable week, until his foot heals enough for him to limp inside the hole that the dwarves had dug and stashed their booze in with great haste.

The fact that his fellow dwarves cared about alcohol more than his life is too much. In an empty hallway, with no one else around, Doren the Peasant throws a tantrum, smashing Tosid the Stonecrafter's skull and killing him instantly. Snapping out of his tantrum, Doren realizes the severity of what he'd done, and decides to hide Tosid's body in the storage room.

"As long as no one ever has to go into our only storage room (which contains every object we brought with us) for any reason whatsoever, no one will ever find out what I did. I am a genius and there isn't a single flaw in this plan." -Doren McLogic

Urist the Miner immediately discovers Tosid's body, and tries to convince the leader (and hunter) Drovok to take up the mantel of Sheriff and dole out some Dwarven justice. Drovok agrees, but he needs an office, bedroom, and dining room in order to file the necessary paperwork for Dwarven justice.

While digging out a proper office and jail for Drovok, a troll from the depths decides to camp in the tunnel behind Urist. Drovok descends to deal with the trespassing beast, and in two seconds ends up overpowered, being slowly strangled to death in the staircase.

Hearing his friend's frantic gurgles, Urist desperately runs out to try to save his comrade, but the troll gores him through the lung, picks him up, breaks his arm, throws Urist against the wall and then smashes his skull in, killing him and splattering Urist's dwarf blood all over the hallway. Drovok soon dies of blood loss and oxygen deprivation there on the staircase.

Four dwarves remain: a novice carpenter, a novice mason, a novice grower and a novice brewer. Unskilled, without a leader, one of them a known, unrepentant murderer, will these brave souls survive the trial of the terrible tundra?



...

No. The answer is no.

The ice wolf zombies got them. The troll kept them from escaping to the cavern layer.

Doren escaped when the fortress fell, though.

I don't really know how I feel about that.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2012, 01:43:43 pm by Argembarger »
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This guy needs to write a biography about Columbus. I would totally buy it.
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callisto8413

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #99 on: January 28, 2013, 07:10:26 pm »

First time poster...and have only been playing the game for a few weeks but two things have happened, one funny, the other kind of touching.

I have played the game a couple of times (and failed) but finally got down to business with Mirrorseeds, The Halls of Beers.  Yes, well, the name could have been better.  But I have figured out how to make a hospital, dig wells, make a jail, assign nobles, so on. 

After a fight with some monsters in some underground caverns, which had to be sealed off because dwarves just kept GOING in there, I noticed one of my soldiers in the hospital had a visitor - a kid.  I realized, one, that the soldier was a female and she was also a mother.  And the toddler was not going anyplace - he was waiting by her side until she healed.  Luckily, my hospital was pretty well stocked and I had two dwarves who knew enough about medical science to clean her up, bandage her and kept her fed.  She recovered and they both went back to living normal lives. That is the touching story - but also surprising.  I knew married people shared the same bed and that the wife carried the babies around but this seemed so...emotional.

The funny story is when I appointed my first sheriff.  I gave him his own bedroom, office, dining area, and made a jail (linking it to the office so he could watch the prisoner if need be).  To make him happy I put a statue in his bedroom.  Now, this was before I started to notice that I could get details about tables, statues, engraved walls, so on.  So I started touring my fortress, finding some of it interesting, some of it confusing, and some of it (like the engraved walls) dealing with current events.  And I noticed some of the statues, like the one I put on top of the fortress, were either a single dwarf, or groups of dwarves.  And one of the statues in the statue garden was a pig.  Now, we did have two pigs and a few boars and one boar HAD become a pet.  So I was not that surprised.  I know their art may reflect events and feelings.   I have seen the recorded history of Boatmurdered....elephants...(shiver)  And I started to wonder..naaa..they would not put a pig statue in the sheriff's bedroom.  Would they?  They engraved whole walls about his appointment!  Why would do that?

So I zinged down to the floor where the sheriff's bedroom was and looked.  Yeah.  Pig statue.  I thought that was one of the funniest things in the world. 


 
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Crazy Horse

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #100 on: February 01, 2013, 10:54:42 pm »

So a legendary surgeon wanders in out of the cold and is warmly received as the Chief Medical Dwarf with charge over all the bruised organs and broken fingers an active and healthy Urist will inflict himself with. Regrettably, he soon needed immediate termination after his medical practices proved to be too robust for even dwarven standards of medicine. His process consisting of careful diagnosis, suturing, cleaning and the taking of brisk notes before, finally, removing all the blood from the patient's body.

I probably should have been more suspicious with a ridiculously over-qualified Super Doctor just showing up at my backwoods fort and being unable to properly answer where he went to medical school or even exactly which migration wave he arrived with. I could have at least taken an interest when every patient sent down to the remote hospital level was found shortly after drained of all blood. In any case, I eventually happen upon a commotion in the hospital by chance. A one-legged retired axedwarf is hopping furiously away from his hospital bed with the good doctor still hovering over it. A quick look at the axedwarf's medical history reveals a temporary Vampire profession tag boldly declared on all the doctor's notes. Now this, at last, does indeed ring an alarm bell.

I quickly throw a drawbridge and lever together in a dead end and assign him to pull the lever, sealing him off until a suitable fate could be devised. In this fort the dwarven justice system is even more ineffectual then the dwarven medical system and it was up to me to oversee his death. But how? The Doom Titan, of course!

The Doom Titan was made of doom and shot webs of doom. Mercifully, his short-lived rampage ended with him getting stuck in the pig farm chamber with only porcine casualties to decorate his name. A quick wall-in saved the day yet meant the only way to lure him from A to B was to mine a passage to him at the cost of a dwarf's life. Perfect! I order a more suitable containment chamber to be created for the Titan and nearly connected to my pig-farm and have the Doctor sent to mine the last two fateful blocks. A few weeks later he actually finds the time to equip a a pick and obey his own separate squad's orders to be stationed at the correct spot.

He mines one block before eying the last and pausing, perhaps contemplating the unseen implications of this game's intro video. Now, he decides, is the perfect time to invoke the power of The Dwarven Break-Time.

These addle-brained, sock-hoarding, soap-eating drunkards have unionized. They have done so despite being completely devoid of slightest the organizational abilities. And yet, the union stands, the sole purpose of which is to erect a scared institution of Break Time whose hallowed allowances cannot be commandeered by such mundane things as work schedules, invasions or urgent militarily commands.

I can only watch and wait helplessly as he strolls up to the barracks amidst my militia training busily next to their commander who is passed out drunk on his bed. He is the sole competent warrior among them and the very hero who single handedly brought down the great Minotaur Gore of Thundering with no more then a spear and a wooden shield while the rest of the dwarves cowered behind the walls. And now he has the vampire in bed with him.

Panic. Pause game. Give vamp movement order. Give militia movement order. Oder bed deconstructed.

Nothing doing. With his deed done the Doctor swaggers out of the barracks leaving my militia recruits dumbfounded. One of them helpfully finds the time to avenge the beloved commander by filing an accusation against the Doctor for the crime. A second accusation for the murder is filed against our Lord Idiot Mayor himself and is signed by none other than that criminal mastermind the Vampire Doctor.

Bastard. The cheeky, cheeky bastard. The fate which awaits him is far too terrible for me to even know what it is yet.


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Aseaheru

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #101 on: February 01, 2013, 11:16:15 pm »

i like.
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anthony62490

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #102 on: February 02, 2013, 01:52:08 pm »

Bastard. The cheeky, cheeky bastard.
I love vampire stories. No matter how many I hear, there is always a sense of suspense.
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mavj96

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #103 on: February 07, 2013, 07:33:21 am »

20 wrastling dorfs vs 1 cave crawler

cave crawler =c
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Big_James_B

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #104 on: February 15, 2013, 01:45:48 am »

I call this story...The Trousers of Slaying or How We Spent One Day Playing DF (this anecdote is a collaborated effort; me and a friend found this out).

A little note - from what I remember this story was "created" in DF ver. 31.25; but it is awesome and needs to be told to the community, even if it doesn't really fill the criteria...

Me and a friend had spent a hard day at school, and since it was the weekend I decided to tutor him on the finer aspects of adventurer mode in the current release at the time. It failed and ended up us creating a world and taking various adventurers to their deaths without even leaving the first town/castle.
I create a dwarf and place ALL possible skill points in axe - I believe he was a demigod - and head off towards the nearest building. There was the usually "slum" population within this one building and I soon got choppy with my axe. After killing one or two humans, and retreating a few spaces away, I started to strip down and throw all of my clothing and possessions - apart from my axe - at the civilian vigilantes chasing me. A lone child was with them for some reason.
Looking back, Urist McCrazyDwarf rips his trousers off and throws them at the child...piercing the child's chest, lung and lodging into the wound. My friend I and stared at the attack description for a few seconds, went to the "announcements/feedback" menu and re-checked the attack description. Yep, we'd just pierced someone's lungs with a pair of trousers - with about ten spaces between us and absolutely no skill with throwing.
And do you want to know something? This crazy dwarf managed to survive that vicious encounter with the lynch mod and cause many a havoc across the world. Alas, the other stories are not as memorable as this one. This story had led me to edit the threats.txt with one that references this character and his trousers.

And another one - this one from the slightly modified release just before 34.11. I call this story...The Master Crossbowman.
After spending a year or two not playing DF, I finally decide to check it out again. A new version you say? Excellent! I download and re-download all the graphics, mods, etc., I had before - only the "upgraded" versions - and begin to play again.
After a month or so I introduce the game to a few of my friends, and since we've got a few sections of school where we're free to do what we want, they proceeded to play vanilla DF adventurer mode. There was much FUN to be told in the group. All my friends would do is attack the first town they were dropped in.
It turns out one friend had managed to create a character who could defend himself against most of the inhabitants without too much trouble. He wiped out 99% of the town and his darkened shadow fell across the last building, which housed the few remaining humans of the village. He bursts through the door, sword in hand, and slashes at the closest villager, cleaving his head clean from his shoulders. He turned too late upon hearing the cocking mechanism of a crossbow and felt the stabbing pain of something impaling his head, throwing him back outside and onto the mud. But, luck was with him! The crossbow bolt had only "grazed" the character in pure Skyrim style. Unfortunately, the crossbowman walked up to his unconscious body and shot one more bolt into the characters abdomen - which killed him instantly.

Edit: I could write them in total narrative but only if encouraged to.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2013, 01:49:58 am by Big_James_B »
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I think I am going crazy. I start to understand and actually follow Rumrusher along with his ideas...
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