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Author Topic: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)  (Read 87822 times)

Slayerhero90

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #120 on: June 28, 2013, 10:52:46 am »

Hey folks I'm new to both DF and these forums. Anywho, I just channelled out my very first moat. I was so proud of it! Unlike many of the other things for this game, I didn't have to look up how other people did it. Unfortunately, I forgot that water freezes in the winter and some goblin snatcher came by to grab up a child! I guess this is the fun I keep hearing about?
That is just a TASTE of the fun you'll have.
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Loyalty

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #121 on: July 10, 2013, 10:08:55 pm »

I'm not the most experienced player, but some funny things happened I still can't believe.
I think I have 2 good stories. Both about fortresses and dwafs I forgot the names of long ago.


1.
It was a normal fortress at an optimal embark site. A river, enough iron and much wildlife.
After a while it happened that a titan chosed on visiting the fortress. Unfortunately he was able to breath underwater so he planned on using my water systems. My soldiers were already ready to attack him once he came out, but he didn't. He stayed at the entrance and didn't move. For nearly 3 years. Then a necromancer came and with him some zombie alligators. By the time he already left the map one of the alligators decided to attack the stuck titan and so woke up a long forgotten giant. I expected him to attack my fortress, but instead he went to the army of undeads and killed every single one all over the map. I was grateful, but I knew he was going to attack my fortress now. After killing a giant horde of undeads I had to kill him. It took 10 good equipped and trained soldiers a whole season to kill the already injured titan. They just weren't able to kill their dear friend.
In the end I build 2 memorials at my main entrance, so that every single dwarf and caravan could see the ex-guardian of the fortress.

2.
It was one of my first fortresses, pretty much like the one above, but I made something wrong with my defences, so I actually had none. when I saw a goblin army rampaging in my fortress it was to late to close the hole in my walls. I knew the fortress was dead and just watched it happening.
But then somtehing completly unexpected happened: Every single goblin vanished in the caverns. Only their trolls were left in front of my sleeping chambers and training rooms. The ways into the caverns were sealed off by blind cave ogres. 3 dwarfs stayed alive. While dodging the trolls they stayed alive until the next migrant wave came. it looked like I could repopulate my fortress, but then another siege happened and that time everyone was slayed.

And a small adventurer story: I woke up with an arrow in my head -> Dead.
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PatriotSaint

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #122 on: July 14, 2013, 12:48:49 pm »

I'm generally new t Dwarf Fortress, I've been lurking but finally delved in a week or 2 ago.

I had a good idea of where and how to settle, and I can generally find a nice spot, but I think I must have revised my embark gear and skills a million times, and I'm still not sure I'm happy with it yet.

Anyway, on my first fortress, (during which I was at least competent enough to know how to get everything inside, everyone safe, a wall up, fortifications, blah blah blah) I brought a copper crossbow and something like 50 copper bolts <_< for my hunter (competent marksdwarf, mind you), who of course proceeded to try to go all gun-fu and shoot at 6 different wombats at the same time. He must of thought he was some sort of Bruce Willis or something, but from an aerial view he was Sir Urist Drunk McTriggerhappy.

Needless to say, I lost 50 bolts for a few wombats. I then proceeded to make an entire new Large world and find the perfect embark spot, where naturally, I forgot to bring an axe and abandoned the fortress (I know, I know). I promptly remembered I could have deconstructed the wagon as I arrived in the main menu...

I think I took a break from DF for a few days after that.

Oh, by the way, there are Grasshopper Men standing around, should I be worried?
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IronTomato

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #123 on: July 23, 2013, 07:51:19 am »

My adventurer was hungry, but he had no food. Fortunately, there was a hippo by a river in the distance. I came up behind it and slashed it in the throat. I then remembered a moment too late that cutting throats didn't instantly kill in DF, so the hippo proceeded to knock me down and curbstomp my head.
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Lalasa

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #124 on: July 24, 2013, 10:17:55 pm »

Ber Adillogem was wandering down the mining tunnels like any child normally did in Fishmine.  A skinny two-year old, he was very proud to totter about independently without his mommy carrying him around.  Imagine how grown up everyone must see him!

Suddenly, a tiny red-scaled imp jumped at him, and Ber dodged out of the way.  What nerve this creature had!  Anger made Ber's cheeks flush red in the dark subterranean gloom as his thoughts roiled.  Beady eyes glimmered in the dark, taunting the tiny dwarf gleefully in response.  Unprepared, the crundle could only stagger back as Ber socked him in the leg.  Hissing like a tea kettle, its claws groped out for Ber, but they only scratched the air.  Likewise, Ber's tiny fist also missed his opponent, but this only served to anger the toddler.  With his left arm, Ber snagged the crundle by the thumb and flipped the creature upside down before pummeling it to the floor.  The crundle's shrieks are swiftly interrupted with punches to the leg and arms. 

Unsatisfied with mere bruises, Ber locked the crundle's left ankle in his right arm in a joint lock that would make any dwarven warrior proud. He cleanly snapped the bone, crumbling it to mere pieces.  Continuing to make grabs for the poor cavern creature, the child followed up with two jabs at the crundle's right leg and then grabbed the imp by its precious horn with his right upper arm.  Angry that its beauty could be marred by the wrath of a mere tot, the crundle lightly raked its claws along Ber's foot, leaving a light bruise, but it's enough to get Ber to let go- only to prompt a punch in the leg and a grab on the crundle's finger.  Roaring like an axedwarf about to charge a forgotten beast in the bowels of the caves, Ber rocketed his small fist at such a speed at the crundle's wrist that it shatters on impact as if a pick had smashed it. 

Without hesitation Ber then sank his small front teeth deep into the critter's abdomen, latching on firmly and giving a violent shake, which blended the crundle's last lunch around inside his guts.  As if this weren't enough, Ber promptly grabbed the crundle's tongue with his right lower arm while punching its spine and scratching through the crundle's horn cleanly in half.

Pain and shame flickered through the crundle's entire being!  It could never show its face in crundle society now that it had only a horn and a half!  But its attempts to scratch Ber were too feeble, and Ber instead locked the crundle's right hand in his arm, crushing the crundle's wrist in his tiny elbow!  Ber then smashed the same hand again with his fist, shattering it twice!

Halfheartedly grabbing the thoroughly beaten-up crundle, Ber decided that its time for lunch.  He dropped the mutilated imp on the cold floor and headed back up towards the dining room.  He couldn't wait for a nice mug of dwarven ale.  Exploring the tunnels was quite fun after all!  Perhaps he'd do it again!

A crundle weakly crawled along the tunnel floor.  Both of its wrists were broken, its ankle was pulverized, and its horn was snapped.  Oh, how badly the horn looked!  Screeching alone in the dark, the crundle cursed in crundle screams that lamented the fracturing of its beautiful horn by a two-year old toddler.  Its wailing and gnashing were met by nothing but silence.

This is a true story about a child that was attacked by a crundle in Fishmine's mining tunnel and made it seriously regret its choice of victim.  If you would like to see the combat reports I based my narrative off of, I have saved them as images and can always upload them.
 
« Last Edit: July 24, 2013, 10:21:17 pm by Lalasa »
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sandant

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #125 on: July 28, 2013, 12:02:50 pm »

A message appeared on my screen, The forgotten beast Orgigialx has appeared, a massive, hairy, undulating, lobster that clicked as it moved and breathed fire. The horn sounded all the civilians rushed from the cavern to their burrows, the last dwarf out sealed the iron hatches covering the stairwell to the cavern to buy time for the military, he then dashed down the hallway and sealed another set of iron doors, however as he passed, he failed to notice the Dwarf child on the wrong side of the hallway, trying to drag an iron breastplate. The child looked up from his task to see that the mighty iron doors were forbidden to be opened, at this moment he heard the first BANG on the iron hatches behind him. with a look of Child like fascination he heard the hatches get slowly torn apart by massive, hairy claw, then in a gout of flame the beast emerged. It sprayed a massive gout of fire straight at the child who did what any child would, dodge out of the way , dash along the side of the hallway, and begin to punch the beast in its front leg, repeatedly, rolling and dodging all of the claw strikes, and fiery breath. Eventually the young, and luckily female Dwarven child was kicked in the inner thighs, so hard it propelled her down the hallway into a stone wall knocking her unconscious,  the beast, feeling spiteful that day, inhaled deeply, and released a torrent of fire, engulfing the child's body, at that moment, the military, (Fresh from the entire game of monopoly they must have been playing to take so long), arrived and in a short battle, a spear dwarf shoved his steel spear into the crack in the legs chitinous plating, brought the beast down so the Axedwarves could finish it. The crack was made by a small dwarfs fists. The Chief medical dwarf was able to recover the body of the small dwarf, but it was burned beyond the point of repair, so it was placed in the tomb intended for the future Baron, and so it lies to this day, the AbbeyedAbby of Ages still refuses to fall, for too many have died trying to construct it.
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Copperfield

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #126 on: July 31, 2013, 02:45:39 pm »

It was my first fortress that i managed run in a semi-functonal fashion. The dwarves were content, the militia had 10 people of mismatched armor and weapons, but then again, i had only experienced 1 small goblin siege, and wasn't to worried. My only problem was that i had found no metals, and was completely dependent on importin weapons, and foodstuff and brew stuff, which we paid for with stone crafts, and believe me, we had a lot of stonecrafts.

When we struck a cave, i decided to move my farm plots underground(for safety i though) and cleared the cavern of the throglodytes and the troll we found there, without a single bruise. We discovered water(i wasn't able to get a well up and running, but the dwarfs didn't seem to mind that much and just walked to the water hole we found in the caverns.) and the dwarfes vere content, although a bit poor, but our legendary engraver kept them entertained with countless engravings of himself killing a dingowoman 100 years prior(about 60% of the engravings were about that incident).

I felt really safe, and had about 130 dwarves, which i though was quite amble, we hunted in the caverns for food and got water, farmed in the caverns and imported food and some weapons. Then the first annoyance struck, the horrible cave spider, which killed 8 dwarfs in the caves until i realized it, and then fled before my militia got there. After that, the caves were quiet, and my hunters killed most of the dangerous beasts in their hunting trips, including cave spiders.

Mining under the cave, we stumbled upon a rock that would free us from the labour intensive work of crafting stone goods. A gleaming yellowish metal, easily workable and quite valuable, we had struck gold!

The metalsmith eagerly started working on the gold, haven been un-employed mostly due to the lack of metal for a good while. We made everything out of gold, a golden throne for the mayor, and a golder sarchophagus for our legendary engraver, complete with gold statues, a golden door and also a throne for his mausoleum, which made him quite happy. Coin minting was also started, minting 17000 gold coins to spend next time the merchants would arrive, and started crafting gold crafts. The drawbridge guarding the entrance would help keep any goblins away anyway, with the militia and traps. The mausoleum was also trapped and the coin vault.

But the inexperienced dwarves had discounted the horrors that could strike at them from underground. A forgotten horror, shambling on mettallic 4 legs and spewing sticky spiderous webs was seen approaching the stairway leading from the caves and to the settlement, and the heroic militia went downstairs immidieately, hoping to dispatch the beast right outside the stairway, and clear the area for the inevitable corpse hauling(those unfortunate enough to be on the farms and gathering water). For the next ten seconds, a fierce if a bit one-sided battle took place, as the militia, stuck in spider webs spewed by the abomination, got torn to shreds faster than i could have imagined. The beast immidieately went up the stairs, and into our living quarters, a collection of 30 2x2 rooms in which most of the dwarves lived, and carnage began. Immidieately sealing the doors from our 1st utility area and the living quarters, we were also cut off from our gold mines, food and water supply and living quarters. The 50 dwarves that were in the living area(renovators, people living there and looters that got there before i closed it) were completely at the beasts mercy.

When the population had dropped to about 60, i realized casualties had mostly stopped. Brave dwarves had been able to get hits on the beast, breaking various body parts, including all of it legs, immobilizing it. It could still strike and spew spider webs though, and the dwarves hiding in various rooms were dying of dehydration and insanity.

I drafted a 30 man militia and tried to kill the beast, but since it was in a 1 tile wide corrider, and spewed web that task proved impossible, and although only a few of the militia men died from the beast, most were stuck in it's webs until they went insane or died from dehydration. It was about the same time dwarfs on the upper floors decided to throw tantrums, one of them managing to destroy the drawbridge just in the nick of time to open up the way for a goblin siege.

The goblins were led by a fearsome and heroic goblin axemaster(who gallantly struck down infants and children with his own hands, and one mumbling lunatic) and ran amok among the upper levels, when things quieted down, i had 5 dwarfs letft listed as non-dead. Three of them turned out to be missing, and one was the mayor, who decided that after a day's hard work, he should go and grab one beer. He stood up from his golden throne and went upstairs. The goblins were still inside the fortress though, but i guess they got awestruck at the golden mausoleum because they were content with staying there. So he drank his beer quite comfortably and then decided to start walking around the premises. He was eventually killed by one of the trolls the goblins had brought with them, who apperantly had a longer attention span than the goblins, and i had one dwarf remaining.

That lone survivors story is a bit gruesome, he had both of his legs broken and was unconcious, and was beeing carried to the hospital when the carrier was attacked and killed by a berzerk dwarf, who then promtly committed suicide by running into the money vault and activating all the traps. The goblins were upstairs but content in the mausoleum, the forgotten beast was broken but breathing downstairs in the apartments.

No one could help him, heal him or nurse him, and he was completely immobilized, but he felt quite fine, since he was the mayor now, things were going to be run by him. He had the greatest office/bedroom/dining room in the fortress, a golden throne and 17.000 coins all for himself, with tons of beer and food to keep him alive for years, or at least, until the next caravan came. With his money he would be able to settle himself quite well off in a sane, safe town. So he was happy. I like to think that it was some strange mental affliction that caused him to die from thirst there on the floor, alone and abandoned, his boody broken but with an ecstatic smile on his face.


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Aseaheru

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #127 on: August 01, 2013, 10:00:26 am »

Did you remember the pressure-removers?
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ImagoDeo

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #128 on: August 31, 2013, 10:25:08 pm »

Urist McAdventurer was brave and bold and knew exactly where to go for adventures of epic proportions. He had heard legends of Badace of Butter, a fortress far to the southwest, and believed the tales of vicious adamantine blades and shining breastplates of the glorious metal. Even the stories of a forgotten beast couldn't keep him away, and so, in the summer of 16 he left his friends and family and set out alone to reach the fortress.

His travels were mostly uneventful, for he was a skilled swordsdwarf and no bogeyman could possibly match him in martial talent; but one incident deserves a brief mention.

A few dozen miles before Badace of Butter - at least, according to the map he had with him - a door in the side of a cliff caught his attention briefly. I haven't heard of any other fortresses, he thought. Maybe this is the place? He wandered forward and opened the door.

Nothing stirred inside the ruin. No adamantine sparkled from the depths. Even so, Urist was curious, so he ventured forward.

The rock fell too fast for him to dodge out of the way. It smashed into his thigh, shattering the bone and knocking Urist to the ground. His last thought before he blacked out was, No! Not this way...

And yet he awoke again several hours later. The pain was almost unbearable, but he managed to pull himself out of the fortress and stop the bleeding. His leg was clearly not going to work quite right for some time, but at least he could move. This place won't defeat me, he told himself. He walked painfully back into the forbidding doorway and explored the entire fort without incident, finding some halfway decent armor and food before leaving.

The next few days he spent traveling, and finally arrived in the vicinity of Badace of Butter just as summer was ending. His leg had healed almost completely and he was fighting fit again. Unintelligent dwarves milled around outside and couldn't offer him any help, so he threw open the door in the face of the cliff and stepped boldly into the darkness.

The cage trap almost got him, but he saw something glinting in the shadows above just before he took another step. Carefully now, he said to himself. Slowly and cautiously, he made his way around all the traps and descended the central staircase. He explored a number of side passages but found nothing interesting until he reached what was obviously the workshop level. The remains of a looted stockpile lay down one passageway, so Urist headed that direction.

The legends were true! He found an adamantine spear lying on the floor in the main hallway after he stepped past a babbling idiot of a manager who had clearly been underground for far too long. It's all mine, McAdventurer thought as he looted the stockpile. He found an adamantine helm besides and quickly put it on, knowing how valuable his skull was.

Let's go see about those workshops, he thought.

The first workshop contained adamantine greaves and a nice steel shield.

The second workshop contained the forgotten beast.

Urist McAdventurer panicked when he saw the beast bite the workshop's owner's head clean off in one chomp. He ran back down the corridor toward the main staircase, not even daring to look over his shoulder.

But then he stopped himself. I'm better than that, he thought. I will NOT leave that abomination alive!

He charged back down the hallway. The beast had moved into the looted stockpile and was menacing the babbling manager. Urist fell on it in a rage, stabbing it over and over with the spear despite his lack of experience. It ignored him, preferring to munch quietly on the manager as Urist annihilated its internal organs.

After twenty or thirty hits, the beast finally groaned and died. Urist shouted in triumph and proceeded to butcher the beast. He thought about taking its carapace, but since the monstrous thing weighed too much, he left it behind and took some meat as his only souvenir. The manager had died, but that was OK; now Urist could tell the whole world about his conquest and not worry about some fool spoiling his glory by revealing the actual details of what had happened.

He had to murder a fellow dwarf to seize his adamantine breastplate, but when he left the fortress, he was clothed head to foot in Adamantine - and even wearing a beautiful Adamantine crown worth a kingdom or two. Nothing could have gone better. He was a sight to see - bloodspattered but majestic, ready to share the news about his beastslaying.

Several miles to the south, Urist found a river. He tried to cross the river. The current swept him downstream over a waterfall.

He drowned.
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What would it be like to live in a world that was copy/pasted? Would we even notice? If not, how many times have we switched celestial harddrives or whatever?

ImagoDeo

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #129 on: August 31, 2013, 11:28:31 pm »

My first goblin theif, he stole my only pickaxe (i hadn't found anything sutable to get another) but i had no miilitary at all, so i sent a group of unarmed dwarves to dipatch him. the goblin promptly punches one of them in the face, killing him instantly (somehow he suffocated) the next dwarf grabbed the goblin theif, by the eyeball with his eyeball, (blinding the goblin in the process) and throws him in a nearby river... i was left pickaxe-less.

Pure gold. Urist McStaredown.
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callisto8413

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #130 on: September 13, 2013, 01:53:49 pm »

The Tale of the Vampire Book Keeper!

   The Fortress of Dedukvutok Deduk Akim was founded with the idea that those who ruled would know true power.  The power to control those below them.  A class system was needed.  One that would allow a few to live in wealth and luxury.  So a three tier society was made.
   
   The Surface Dwellers, those who toiled with the soil, handled animals, and crafted wood would be the lower class.  They were forced to live outside, in huts and lean tos, working in open air workshops.   A small diner was made for them, packed with tables and chairs, on a dirt floor.  A few lucky ones would live inside, their beds in the pig pens, as the construction of the outside buildings were never fast enough to house their growing numbers.

   The Stone Class, those who worked with ores, metals, stone, and gems, lived a few levels down.  They had their smoothed out one room apartments, with a bed and cabinet.  They even had tables assigned to them in the dining areas.  Sadly there was never enough tables and chairs for them as the peasants never seemed to work fast enough to fulfill the job orders.  Their work areas were all inside and they were even allowed to have their spouses live with them.  Sometimes they had to go outside to work on a building or wall.  And a few enjoying fishing.  But most of the time they enjoyed a nice sun free lifestyle.

   The Nobles, mostly made up of Administers at first, have three room apartments.  Their walls and floors were engraved, their needs met as quickly as could be.  Deep down they lived inside the Fortress, away from the crowds and noise of the workshops.

   A hospital was soon dug out and a barracks, with a squad of soldiers called the Stone Cutters.  A inside well was designed after the first winter.  Slowly mines reached down into the earth like spider webs, slowly expending, growing, searching for wealth.  A protective wall was started, a jail dug out, and the Sheriff was soon Captain of the Guard.  A Mayor was soon elected but everybody knew he was nothing but a puppet of the Nobles.

   Life moved along.  The Fortress grew rich on tourists mugs and well designed mechanisms.  Wood, seeds, booze was imported, with some weapons and metal bars.  There was plenty of trees available but the workers never seemed to have enough time to cut them down.  Funny enough this seemed to please the Elves.  Prey was hunted, fish were reeled in, and fields were harvested.  The stockpiles groaned with the food and drinks produced daily. 

   The Surface Dwellers learned to live in the harsh sunlight, frequent rain fall, and snow storms that hit during the winter.  The Stone Class enjoyed their work, their nice bedrooms, and good living standards.  The Nobles...well, they did whatever Nobles did with paperwork.  Everybody was well fed, the still was able to keep up demand much of the time, and the traders were always welcome.  The immigrate waves grew bigger with each year and the population grew.

   A few people went insane, driven by strange moods, but that’s normal for Dwarfs.  But after the second peasant was found dead, blood drained from the body, people started to suggest that there may be a vampire among the populace.  True, the two victims were just Surface Dwellers but the Nobles decided they had to do something about it.  It was bad for public relations and if too many of the lower class were killed who would cook, clean, and be told what to do?

   Records were examined, backgrounds were checked, people were questioned.  Soon it was found that a hunter, using the false name of Athel Isonlitast, was the vampire!

   Now that he had been found what would they do with him?  The Nobles were on the spot.  They were to become a Barony very soon (in fact they had already passed on the name of suggested candidate to the Mountainhomes) and felt any black mark on the Fortress’s reputation would throw a wench into the works.  What to do?  What to do?  Kill him?  Recruit him as a soldier and allow him to eat peasants when he needed to?   

   Than they came up with a brilliant idea!   They swiftly recruited the vampire, had him position himself in the book keeper’s apartment, who they fired, and walled him in.  The vampire, not the now ex-book keeper.  Than they made the vampire the NEW book keeper!  A never resting, never eating employee!  True, one day, when his cloths all rotted away, he would very likely go insane.  But that was nit-picking.

   They would also have to shout to communicate with him but it was felt by all to be the best solution.   A vampire book keeper!  Think of the tourism!  The public relations!  Dwarfs For the Ethical Treatment of Monsters would give their Fortress Five Stars!

   And everybody was happy!   Well, not the Surface Dwellers who still worked in muddy fields, lived in huts with up to eight other Dwarfs, and  had a small diner in which you had to climb over others just to get to one of the four chairs.  But the Stone Class and the Noble Class were happy and, you know, they’re the only ones who truly count!  Even the ex-book keeper went back to being a Miner and, therefore, a good standard of living.

   So now the vampire works at his desk, his fingers stained with ink and not blood.  And on the surface above the peasants grumble about how they can now say, without fear of contradiction, that one of their bosses IS a blood sucker! 

The End.
   
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chaosgear

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #131 on: September 13, 2013, 08:27:26 pm »

...any black mark on the Fortress’s reputation would throw a wench into the works.
Huehuehue...
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callisto8413

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #132 on: September 14, 2013, 07:40:55 am »

...any black mark on the Fortress’s reputation would throw a wench into the works.
Huehuehue...

And my next story will deal with that wench..er..I mean the new Baroness.  :D

EDIT: I made a copy of the game file and abandoned the Fortress to look at the legends and history.  It seems the first Kings of the Dwarfs were...mostly....vampires.   ???

Not finished reading it but so far..very interesting.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2013, 03:20:59 pm by callisto8413 »
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callisto8413

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #133 on: September 15, 2013, 03:19:53 pm »

The Tale of the Wench in the Works.

   The Fortress of Dedukvutok Deduk Akim was doing pretty well.  The Miners had sensed the caverns near some of the deeper tunnels and a air lock system, using a trapdoor and a regular door (to keep away the pets) was being installed.  Once in place they would break open the wall and see what they could see.

   There had already been an accidental breeching before this but it had been quickly walled up.  The Fortress at the time had neither the need or the military might to explore such a dangerous area.  Now it felt comfortably secure and was about to have one of it’s members appointed as a first TRUE Noble.  A Baroness!  What city would not feel pride?

   As they waited they worked day and night.  Mugs were made, wood was burned, and food was cooked.  There was some complaints, as no ore or coal had been found ANYWHERE in the deep levels of the earth and the metal industry was only able to work with imported bars.  This meant many Stone Class workers (those of the Middle Class) had few jobs and found themselves just hanging about, gossiping around the booze barrels, complaining about all the free time they had.

   On the surface the farmers, woodcutters, and hunters worked day and night, in the rain and in the snow, trying to fulfill all the projects they had been given.  It was never ending - seeds to plant, sheep to shear, new animals to butcher, walls to build, roofs to put up, logs to burn, stone to haul, and meals to make.

   The day of the appointment finally arrived and Baroness Sazir Nazomonul, formally the manager,  now stepped forward to turn the Fortress into a Barony.  She was also given a Champion, picked at random by tossing a rock into one of the crowded hallways, to who would help train the soldiers. 

   She of course demanded a tomb, which was her right, and handed down mandates, which was also her right.  Like the Mayor’s mandates sometimes they could be fulfilled and sometimes not but at least they created work for the laborers and that was a good thing.

   The Baroness’s tomb was easy to throw together.  They had a room already dug out and smoothed.  They tossed in a few statues and a coffin.  Done.

   Funny enough, during all this, ANOTHER vampire was found among the populace.  But the Nobles now knew how to handle this!  They entombed him and made him the manager.  As he had made some friends while living among the living it was decided one of the walls would be fortified - so that friends could chat with him through the arrow slits.  Sadly, he was walled up without his pet.

   The peasants had mixed feelings about this.  They did feel a tad safer.  But now they had TWO vampires in the chain of command.  Seemed wrong somehow.

   Soon the Baroness demanded a glass weapons rack for her dining room.  Well, they were able to get the material, much to the happiness of one of the Stone Class who gleefully worked to make a wonderful glass weapons rack.  He was only an Engraver but Rith Mafolurist was happy to try his best. 

   True, they had to import the material as nobody seemed to want to make it locally.  Not enough bags somebody reported.  But the peasants were always complaining about something.   They complained about animal attacks, about vampire attacks, and about houses with no walls.  Bloody peasants!

   Soon the Glass Weapons Rack was presented to the Baroness, placed in her dining room just as she had asked, replacing the old one.

   Which did nothing to please the Baroness.  She threw a fit.  A tantrum to be honest.  A very loud one.  In public.  At the Fortress’s well.  In front of everybody. 

   It seems her words had been misheard.  She had wanted a Crystal Glass Weapons Rack.  Not a CLEAR Glass Weapons Rack.  She ordered the death of the poor Dwarf.

   Luckily the Nobles had never supplied the Hammerer with a hammer.  A tad embarrassing but in private most of the Nobles felt that KILLING somebody was just a tad too much.  There was a perfectly functional jail.  If a tunnel with three ropes could count as a jail.

   Still, those in the past who had been jailed had survived.  The City Guard were not mean.  They gave the prisoners water and none had died from abuse.  The City Guard did not train as much as the Stone Cutters and therefore gave relatively light beatings. 

   In the end the Engraver went unpunished and new job orders were sent out.  FIND ROCK CRYSTAL!   Find it NOW!

   The Miners worked overtime to dig wider and deeper.  Looking for rock crystal.  They found many stones, some precious, some not, but they found no rock crystals.  Nor did they find ore or coal, much to their disgust.  The Baroness’s mandate was still in effect and the longer it took to carry it out the louder and more dangerous her tantrums would become.

   It was felt that something had to be done with the Baroness.  Something soon.  Something that could not be traced to anybody.  Meetings was held in the dark mines.   Notes were secretly passed back and forth between the Mayor and the Militia Commander.  Even the two vampires were consulted.  Plans and plots were created, examined, and rejected.  Whatever happened had to be final.  She had to die but no evidence should be left behind.  She could not just go “missing“.  She may come back as a ghost.  She had to die but also be found so as to be placed in her tomb.

   Than there was her husband.  What to do with him?  Would he start a riot?  Almost everybody was related.  What could be done to keep the damage down to a minimum?

   One of the vampires, being old and wise, made a suggestion which he whispered through the wall that keep him away from the pulsing necks of the living Dwarfs. 

   “If you kill her, that's it.  No chance of being the capital.  Ever.”

   The Nobles grumbled and whined but realized that, yes, the vampire was right.  Off the Baroness and that would kill any chance of them every attracting the other Nobles and, one day, the King. 

   "Do we WANT the King here?" asked the Mayor after draining his marble mug of wine. "I thought the whole point was to be in charge.  Not to be ordered about."

   The Captain of the Guard coughed and added, "She is throwing things at people."

   The voice of the vampire once again drifted over the meeting from the stone wall as if somehow leaking through the invisible cracks.  the other vampire seemed to be more of a listener but the Nobles could almost feel his presence, as if he was behind the other vampire, supporting him silently.

   "You can be a second rate independent city state.  Or the Capital of one of the most powerful Kingdoms of Dwarfkind.  With access to the ears of the King."

   The Nobles, in the end, agreed to wait.  It was decided to recruit the Baroness's husband as a Militia Captain, to keep an eye on him, and to try their best to make the Baroness and future Nobles happy.  It would require purchasing items nobody needed or wanted, to keep the stockpiles well supplied but if it meant REAL, long reaching, total power...

   And so the Baroness, who many of the peasants called the 'Third Blood Sucker', was kept in her position.  The new military squad, the Surface Grunts, trained in a room in which the Baroness's husband would notice, as he trained his soldiers, the Clear Glass Weapons Rack.  He knew it was a message.  But who was it directed at?

   The outside walls grew, slowly encircling the outdoor slums.  They also grew upwards, as fortifications were made.  There was talk of a drawbridge and towers for archers.  Of course, more houses, diners, and workshops would need to be built.  And more living spaces for the inside populace.  Babies were being born at an amazing rate.

   One of the upper levels was even being cleared out when it was noticed that cave moss and plants were growing in its soil.  The exposure to the caverns, twice, had released spores into the chambers and hallways.  It would make safe pastures for the growing herd of sheep.

   The air lock, forgotten by all but the Nobles, was kept available.  For future use.  Just in case.

The End.
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The most EVIL creature in Dwarf Fortress!

Sam

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #134 on: October 10, 2013, 04:53:08 pm »

It was my first fortress that i managed run in a semi-functonal fashion.


Story of my beard. Hello, my name is Sam.
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