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Wait for the next release. I want usable mugs damn it!

55 (71.4%)

We can use the current one. I like the big trees and slightly smarter dorfs.

17 (22.1%)

I'll take .34.11 thanks. I want to know I'll get to kill things for sure.

5 (6.5%)

Total Members Voted: 77

[CaptainMcClellan]

Talvi, if you'd please post some kind of anything just to assure us you're okay it'd be greeeeat. I'm kinda worried after your last post.

*posts some kind of anything*

Nope, I'm here... just "eh". Not feeling the greatest, and I haven't for a while. I hit a minor case of writer's block with the story... I can't figure out how to untangle it. That plus feeling depressed sets me at a less-than-optimal working capacity... I guess I got past the point where I craved socialization - not being able to find it, I guess I kind of retreated reclusively, almost as a reflex... it's not helping me feel any better, but at least I'm not feeling any worse anymore. That's a plus, I suppose. it's sort of like damage control.

A few nights ago I came very close to pouring everything out either in this thread, or making a new one in the Life Advice board... but ultimately decided against it. For here, it was because it seemed self-important, whiny and off-topic. For the lower boards, it was a heaping helping of the first two and the knowledge that it was very likely that the "advice" people gave me wouldn't be very helpful. I actually had someone try to urge me to kill myself a week or so ago. Never had that happen before... weird thing is, they actually seemed like they weren't being cruel, but like they thought they were helping and being compassionate. lol

so, at this point, I don't really know what to do. I'm mostly occupying my time coding where I don't have to think about anything. I'm writing what will hopefully be a pseudointelligent chat bot, in java. as to the story, my confidence got a little shakier and finally fell apart. Not sure how to piece it back together. My natural inclination would be to socialize it away, but when I tried that, it had the opposite effect, like I said above. Mr Frog, if you remember what I said happened last year/last October, it's not quite that bad right now... so don't feel too alarmed. I would've PM'd you, and I even started writing, but then felt bad about it because I basically feel like I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. People have given me advice, or suggested things I should try, but none of it is actually working. What I really needed, I think, was socialization, but I never feel comfortable with seriously asking it of anybody because I, myself, don't know just to what lengths I mean by that, and it feels like I'd be asking more than I deserve... anyway, the heavy depression stuff is still there. tried talking to my folks about it, but somehow they think I'm making it up.

So... hmm. I don't really know what to do about it all anymore.

Mein Gott, Talvieno... Why didn't you say something? Listen. If you need someone to talk to, I'm available most days on Skype or Gmail. My Skype is the same as my username here, my Gmail I'll pm you if you need it. I have many friends who are coping with totally justified depression and I can understand it also in a very personal way. I have been and sometimes am still depressed, and amazingly even now that I'm not I still think about suicide from time to time. Fortunately it's becoming less and less. Anyways, from what I can tell we all care about you here, hell look at us all lining up to pat you on the back and offer our time and whatever small wisdom we've found. Don't throw your life away when there are people who love you man. We'd all miss you too much and I think you'd miss us. I don't know how much I can help but I'm always there for any friend, no matter how long I've known them. I'm direct, confidential, and actually helpful sometimes... and even if I'm not I hope it makes you feel better that we're trying.

[Mr Frog]

A few nights ago I came very close to pouring everything out either in this thread, or making a new one in the Life Advice board... but ultimately decided against it. For here, it was because it seemed self-important, whiny and off-topic.

Well, I honestly think you're close to the most important person here at the moment, so I'd consider any troubles you're having to be very relevant. Plus there's the fact that, honestly, if you're hurting that badly then I really think you should stop at nothing to get help.

For the lower boards, it was a heaping helping of the first two and the knowledge that it was very likely that the "advice" people gave me wouldn't be very helpful.

Good instincts. I nipped down to the LA board on a whim a long time ago and came back horrified. A lot of the people there are waaaaay too arrogant and self-absorbed to meddle in someone else's affairs.

I actually had someone try to urge me to kill myself a week or so ago. Never had that happen before... weird thing is, they actually seemed like they weren't being cruel, but like they thought they were helping and being compassionate. lol

WHAT. I don't even know what to say besides that person was either seriously mentally disturbed or trying way too hard to be edgy and grimdark.

I would've PM'd you, and I even started writing, but then felt bad about it because I basically feel like I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. People have given me advice, or suggested things I should try, but none of it is actually working.

I don't care if it's the same shit over and over. If I can keep you going for even a bit longer while you try to find the answers you need then I'm fine.

Honestly, I think you should try to act on your own rather than rely on others' advice in this case, since as you've noted other people seem to be letting you down consistently.

What I really needed, I think, was socialization, but I never feel comfortable with seriously asking it of anybody because I, myself, don't know just to what lengths I mean by that, and it feels like I'd be asking more than I deserve...

Deserve my ass. Ignoring the various Internet-related mishaps which were beyond your control, you have been nothing less than a blessing to this thread. Pretty much every individual post you've made has been beneficial to this little microcosm we've built here and that's a hell of a lot more than I can say for most of the schlubs we've had come in. You've created more content for us than pretty much anyone and have been pretty consistently friendly and helpful. You're a wonderful person and anyone too shallow to see that isn't worth your time anyways.

anyway, the heavy depression stuff is still there. tried talking to my folks about it, but somehow they think I'm making it up.

Your folks are dickbags. I'm way overstepping my station here, but I honestly think you should try to distance yourself from them as much as possible as soon as possible. They may be your family, and woohoo for family, but from what I've heard, these people are nothing but toxic and harmful to you.

So... hmm. I don't really know what to do about it all anymore.

Maybe just try to get out into the world as much as you're comfortable with. I'm probably projecting, because your situation seems vaguely-similar to mine, but seem to be stuck in a nasty situation where you're doing the same unsatisfying things and dealing with the same shitty people day after day. I think your goal should be to extract yourself from this situation as quickly as possible, while burning as few bridges as possible in case you need to turn back. Even getting a job at McDonald's or whatever would be a good first step.

[CaptainMcClellan]

I agree with everything Mr Frog said except that you should try to have a relationship with your parents if you can. Still, if you have to detatch from them for a little while whilst you recover, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever but don't detatch completely or they're going to very likely make things worse when you have no choice but being in contact with them. Also, I haven't even been here that long but I'm decently certain you're one of the top ten most important people on this entire forum! ( Maybe even top 5! ) You and Mr Frog seem to solely sustain Spearbreakers and you are both much revered and beloved by the SB community. Just talk to somebody. Anybody that you can trust. Mr Frog's a friend and so am I. We're rooting for you pal, we want you to survive and thrive! And I know I speak for us all when I say that. Right everyone?

[Lolfail0009]

Right!

[Mr Frog]

I agree with everything Mr. Frog said except that you should try to have a relationship with your parents if you can. Still, if you have to detatch from them for a little while whilst you recover, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever but don't detatch completely or they're going to very likely make things worse when you have no choice but being in contact with them.

Point. I'm not a fan of Talvi's parents (for reasons which shall remain confidential) so I guess I was being a bit harsh there.


Also, for the the thousandth time, there is no period in my username. It's like Dr Pepper. If you're trying to show respect, Mr. Mr Frog would be more correct.

[CaptainMcClellan]

If you're trying to show respect, Mr. Mr Frog would be more correct.

Sorry Mr. Mr Frog sir.

EDIT: fixed.

[Talvieno]

Whoa. o.o am I really that transparent?? :\ I thought I'd hinted at it very quietly so only Mr Frog would know...

Mr Frog, if you remember what I said happened last year/last October, it's not quite that bad right now... so don't feel too alarmed.

but, yeah, I've had suicidal thoughts before... not entirely sure how you guys picked up on it. :\ I hadn't thought I'd been too obvious, but, apparently I was wrong on that count... :\ captainmcclellan picked up on it instantly, seems like.

Whoa... I don't know how people cope with this stuff, but you really are the strongest type of people.

No, I'm not. I'm really, really not.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm available most days on Skype or Gmail.

You're also juggling a ridiculous amount of work... still, added you anyway, just the same. If anybody else wants to add me, I'm Talvieno on Skype too. I used to have a different account, but it got... weird. I have a total of four people on my new account at the moment, and I need to delete one of them... but I'm not on Skype much.

I have many friends who are coping with totally justified depression and I can understand it also in a very personal way.

Not sure it's justified in my case. Most of it's "Talv doesn't have a future" + "What has Talv honestly accomplished" + "Talv has a hard time severing emotional bonds and moving on".

I don't know how much I can help

I got into a debate with a random person a few days ago about whether interpretation and reaction were the same thing. It lasted an hour and legitimately cheered me up... so I think it wouldn't be too hard to help. I really just need social interaction without people judging me negatively. But that's the thing, though... like I said, I don't know how much social interaction I need, and that's what worries me. deleted portion here where I explained my situation let's just say I'm in an unusual situation...

I'm direct, confidential, and actually helpful sometimes... and even if I'm not I hope it makes you feel better that we're trying.

You are, and it does, a bit. Thank you.

Well, I honestly think you're close to the most important person here at the moment, so I'd consider any troubles you're having to be very relevant. Plus there's the fact that, honestly, if you're hurting that badly then I really think you should stop at nothing to get help.

either A. I'm seriously transparent, or B. you haven't lost that gift of phenomenal, superhuman psychological insight. I'm gonna go with B because it makes me feel better.

As to the lower boards... I had someone say people with depression are silly for being depressed, among other things... and that's really not something that's a good idea to say to someone with depression. They feel bad enough already...  ALSO, apparently it is "my own fault" that my life isn't going quite the way I'd hoped. Some people are helpful and friendly (Tiruin comes to mind). Others... not so much. As a result I kind of wound up just putting on a fake smile everywhere. Few people see through it.

As to the person trying to urge me to commit suicide, that was the weird thing. I'll admit to have told them possibly too much of my past, but. They seemed like they were trying to help. which just felt bizarre.

I'm not at risk of suicide right now, though. No worries. I tried to explain that in my post (subtly), but apparently I was a little too obvious. I've had thoughts of it a couple weeks ago, but I'm better now.

Deserve my ass. Ignoring the various Internet-related mishaps which were beyond your control, you have been nothing less than a blessing to this thread. Pretty much every individual post you've made has been beneficial to this little microcosm we've built here and that's a hell of a lot more than I can say for most of the schlubs we've had come in. You've created more content for us than pretty much anyone and have been pretty consistently friendly and helpful. You're a wonderful person and anyone too shallow to see that isn't worth your time anyways.

Spoiler: in which you see I'm not such a good person after all (click to show/hide)

Actually, I used to fantasize about eventually getting into the Hall of Legends with Vanya's story. XD I set that as my "goal", and tried to use that to spur myself onwards to writing the absolute best story I could write. Of course, now I see that that goal is a bit egotistical and arrogant, not to mention I'd basically be piggybacking on Spearbreakers to get there... it wasn't good of me. but.

Then there's that I was fantasizing about eventually getting all you guys to give permission to get Vanya's story published at some point. It wouldn't have an overly large following, to be sure, but... I don't know. My fantasy was to send all the money I received to Toady One, partially because donations, partially because I didn't want anybody to think I was profiting on their hard work. I just want to get "out there", if that makes sense... to be discovered. Like, maybe some author's agent would come along and see it and say, "Hey, I could work as an agent for this guy", but see, that's just incredibly stuck-up, egotistical, and inconsiderate of me too. It feels like I'm always trying to mooch off of somebody else in one way or another. >.<


My most absurd fantasy with the Vanya story was to eventually get it turned into a real primetime movie. *eyeroll*


when you grow up with everybody telling you consistently that you have a brilliant mind and you're going to do great things, you try to live up to those expectations... :\ it doesn't matter what I do, I can't ever satisfy myself.

for this thread I've spent countless hours writing, drawn pictures, made mods, organized shit, even done some 3d models, but I still don't feel satisfied with myself, and I know I should. I just don't. I can't meet my own expecations.

I don't care if it's the same shit over and over.

It's the same shit over and over, people are giving me advice and I'm not taking any of it. Granted, it's because of my situation, where I'm pretty much trapped at home 24/7 and can't even get out to make friends. Or work at McDonalds. I would gladly get a job at McDonalds if I could. People don't understand that when I say I'm trapped at home, I'm really, really trapped at home. The only way I could get out of here is if somebody decided to drive over and pick me up, or if I put myself out on the streets. On the second option, not an option - I wouldn't last a week. On the first, no RL friends. Haven't even talked to anybody in twelve years. I've only had internet for four years at this point, so that's eight where I had no social interaction whatsoever. That does weird stuff to a person.

anyway, if I was just saying "I'm depressed" and "I can't pull away from my ex" and "I don't feel like I can do enough" again and again, I think it would get old faster than you'd expect, and I'd start to annoy people. Especially if they gave me advice and none of it really worked.

Your folks are dickbags. I'm way overstepping my station here, but I honestly think you should try to distance yourself from them as much as possible as soon as possible. They may be your family, and woohoo for family, but from what I've heard, these people are nothing but toxic and harmful to you.

They are. McClellan, Mr Frog is right, more or less. I haven't seen my dad in 2-3 years, and my mom has never, ever spoken encouragingly about anything. It's always "it's not good enough" with her.

Also, I haven't even been here that long but I'm decently certain you're one of the top ten most important people on this entire forum! ( Maybe even top 5! )

...wat. I am definitely not one of the top ten most important people on Bay12. Definitely, definitely not. I'm not even one of the top ten writers. Maybe I can write a ridiculous amount in one sitting, but that just means I'm fond of listening to myself talk. lol   It says nothing about my writing quality.

Point. I'm not a fan of Talvi's parents (for reasons which shall remain confidential) so I guess I was being a bit harsh there.

Thank you sir, and no, you weren't being overly harsh.


Anyway, thank you, guys. It does help some. I don't feel much more motivated to write, to be honest, but. It definitely helps to have you guys supporting me. It was a good start to my morning.

(I'm still somewhat disturbed to find that I'm apparently so transparent, though.)

[TheFlame52]

Talvi, I read your 'If Bay12 was a Mountainhome' stories yesterday and they were great. You are a great writer.

[Mr Frog]

As to the lower boards... I had someone tell people with depression are silly for being depressed, among other things... and that's really not something that's a good idea to say to someone with depression.

File under "dickbag". What, so you're supposed to force yourself to be happy no matter how crappy your life is?

ALSO, apparently it is "my own fault" that my life isn't going quite the way I'd hoped.

Welcome, sweet naive Talvi, to the Just-World Fallacy! See, people like to believe that good things only happen to good people and bad things only happen to bad people, because this would by extension mean that they'll be able to make all their dreams come true just by trying really hard and also -- this is important -- that anyone who's in pain must somehow have done something to deserve it, thus sparing them the burden of feeling bad for you. Again, dickbags.

Spoiler: in which you see I'm not such a good person after all (click to show/hide)

blah blah blah

I don't really care why you did any of the things you did. Motivations really don't mean much in the long run. Whatever your end goal, you still contributed a lot of good things to Spearbreakers and that's what I think is important.

Since you outed yourself as an OMG SO SELFISH AND EVIL person, I figure I might as well too: the only reason I'm as kindhearted and selfless as I am is because it makes me feel superior to the people who just rape and pillage their way through life. Yeah, I do genuinely care to an extent, but mostly it's to fuel my ego. Does that change the fact that I've gone out of my way to be kind to people in the past and will almost certainly continue doing so for the forseeable future? No, not really. Maybe people will hate me for posting this, but I seriously doubt anyone on this planet is as saintly as you seem to think you have to be.

It's your actions that speak of your worth as a person, I think. And, in your time in this thread, you have proven your competence and reliability to us many times over. You kept up with keeping all of the posts organised for a long time, far longer than I'd have thought possible, and busted your ass several times to catch up when you fell behind. You've kept going with the Vanya story even in the face of personal problems and shaky Internet access.

People don't understand that when I say I'm trapped at home, I'm really, really trapped at home.

That is a problem, yes Have you tried negotiating with your mother? And I don't mean asking nicely, I mean seriously, honestly fighting for the right to be allowed out of the house with assistance. You won't be able to become independent without someone to help you onto your feet (which is something that needs to happen sooner rather than later) and she needs to realise both that and that she won't be around to play Mommy Dearest forever, and that if you aren't capable of fending for yourself by then then she has failed as a parent in every meaningful regard. More importantly, she needs to understand what being trapped like you are is doing to you psychologically, although part of me worries that she won't care.

Do you have a driver's license, or is it possible for you to acquire one? Failing that, do you have any other means of independent transportation (even a bicycle might work if civilisation is close enough)? I'm not sure how your mother would react if you disregarded her just randomly went off to the nearest town for a day (even if you be really careful and make sure to bring a map that you know how to read and stay away from people who look like they're trouble), but I think it's vital for you to have some kind of tangible connection to the outside world. Right now your mother has more-or-less absolute power over you, which is bad, because she's demonstrated quite clearly that she really really shouldn't.
Ugh, even as I type this it sounds dangerous and reckless. Probably should disregard this entire paragraph.

The only way I could get out of here is if somebody decided to drive over and pick me up

I've actually toyed with the idea of arranging this, but it seems questionably-legal and I'm not sure how I'd go about enlisting people (I unfortunately can't drive; else I'd be hauling ass down to Texas or whereever as we speak) or where you'd stay.

anyway, if I was just saying "I'm depressed" and "I can't pull away from my ex" and "I don't feel like I can do enough" again and again, I think it would get old faster than you'd expect, and I'd start to annoy people.

Where did you get this idea that you're some humongous pain in the ass that people don't actually want around care about? :V  (Don't answer that.) Maybe it would get old, I don't know. But I'm willing to take that chance and I think you should be too.

Maybe I can write a ridiculous amount in one sitting, but that just means I'm fond of listening to myself talk. lol   It says nothing about my writing quality.

Okay, so I'll say something: your writing is good. It's a bit rambly in parts, but I think you just need to learn how to distinguish between relevant and irrelevant bits. I've said some really brutal things about your writing, but honestly part of the reason why I kept judging you so harshly was because I felt threatened by your writing ability. I was trying to convince myself that your writing was crap probably even more than I was trying to convince you.

[Splint]

Not quite the activity I was expecting, but if we can help Talvieno out  in some fashion then awesome.

In less... I dunno how to word it without sounding like a douche, downer news, I may have accidentally tried to volunteer to work on a sci-fi  soviet themed mod.

[CaptainMcClellan]

Texas you say? ... I uh. I live in Louisiana. I might not be able to legally do anything and I can't f***ing drive either, but at least I'm close by. ( Relatively speaking. ) Mmm... We have a forum full of intelligent strategists. I don't think it would be exceptionally hard to find a way to help. However, out of respect for your mother ( even if she doesn't deserve it ) and the law ( which also doesn't really deserve it ) we need to find a psychological ploy that actually works. Hhhhh... I have a friend in a similar situation, mind if I let him in on things Talvi?

Also, my ego is no concern. I just have this weird thing where I care about my friends. It's not to make me feel better... I guess it's more like to not feel terrible if you have to attribute it to a selfish reason. ( As I'm sure Mr Frog will and you'll want to even though you shouldn't because it's not healthy, believe me. ) I have a problem with taking on other peoples' problems and empathetically sharing their pain, even, if not especially when it's unhealthy. However, don't you dare claim that you're a waste of my time or a burden on my resources. You are equally as important as everyone and unlike the many I can't help, I might be able to actually do something for you. And hey, the payoff for me will to see you legitimately feel better and work your way out of some of the depression. Don't think you'll get away with putting on a paper mask either. Mmm... I hope you don't mind if I pray for you also. ( Mock all you like if you wish, but it helps. )

[Splint]

Coulda sworn he lived in Georgia.

[CaptainMcClellan]

Coulda sworn he lived in Georgia.

Hmmm... That's much more an issue then.

[Lolfail0009]

My most absurd fantasy with the Vanya story was to eventually get it turned into a real primetime movie. *eyeroll*

You know, I'd pay good money to see that (provided the director kept the movie close to its roots). The Vanya story could amount to far greater than you give it credit for.

[Starweaver396]

*That thing where you doubt yourself, cause I suck at quoting.*

I'm kinda curious, what other motives for writing are there? The only one I can think of is trying to entertain, which is the same thing really (Can't get famous with out entertaining). Circles in circles.

And Talvi, never doubt that you mean something here. You are literally the top of my list(of important people on Bay12), with Mr Frog and Splint tied for second. (Sorry for singling people out, won't happen again.)

And nice work on the Vanya story. Twisty Twist.