THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN FIFTEEN – ENORMOFECK!
Archimedes: Fire solar laser, Hulkimedes: Fire solar laser
Both lasers gather the ambivalent light of evil darkness in the cave, and beam up, towards the ceiling (just above DinoHitler, for reference), piercing the rocks, moving upwards through stone and debris, before beaming of into the distance.
A clear signal, that hopefully should convey a message of light and hope into the heart of the Belgian States of America, and their fearless leader Monsieur Kennedy, so that they can bring a message of fire and shrapnel into the heart of Dinohitler.
…HULKIMEDES SAY: NO!
…Meanwhile,
Archimedes The Benevolent Terroriser of Evil thrusts forward, aims his naked thigh towards the evil light of darkness emanating from DinoHITLER’s evil dark glow and blasts it up, piercing the rocks, moving skywards through stone and debris before beaming off into the distance and through several different universes and forming a distress signal in the sky above the Maison Blanche!
”’Ello!” says Jacques Kennedy, putting down his pipe.
”Zere is a problem ‘ere! I must attend to it!”…Whilst waiting for his SOS to be answered, Archimedes puts his face back on. It feels much better.
Suddenly a falling spacepod blasts through time and space and the crumbling roof of the dinoLAIR!
MONSIEUR JACQUES KENNEDY BUSTS OUT OF THE FRITESMATIC SPACEPOD: THE SPACECRAFT OF NON-GOVERNMENTAL PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM!
”Bonjour!” he says, looking to the left.
”Goedendag!” he adds, looking to the right.
”Hallo! I am here to destroy ze evil heart of DinoHITLER like in ze good old days!”The President of the Belgian States of America shoots a forty foot wide fireball out of the palm of his left hand!
DinoHITLER blocks it with his forearm!
The President of the Belgian States of America shoots a stream of shrapnel out of the palm of his right hand!
…The deadly sharps pierce the crap out DinoHITLER’s already fractured guts! Blood spurts forth like a wave of evil! …Dodging out of the way of the wave of pestilential gut-corruption, Jacques Kennedy flies headfirst into his FRITESMATIC spacepod’s dispenser button!
The resultant fritesnami stuns him on the head!
At least his leg won’t turn fascist!
Wound Acquired: Jacques Kennedy: STUNNED!
Wound Acquired: DINOHITLER: PIERCED GUTS!
ENORMOFIRE the White Speedo at the entire Roman Legion! Heal myself with their essence!
"TARNATION! I APPEAR TO BE ENORMOBLEEDING!" ENORMBOOMS
ENORMOCROCKETT,
"LUMITHOS, I ENORMOBESEECH YOU!"ENORMOCROCKETT ENORMOTHRUSTS his White ENORMOSPEEDO forth – aiming it directly at the entire Roman Legion of between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires as he reaches the ENORMOCLIMAX of his ENORMOPRAYER!
…ENORMOHGOD!ENORMOCROCKETT flays the Roman Legion alive with his ENORMOESSENCE! The horrifying speedolight of Lumithos flies forward and downward and allward: the energy of Crockett’s ENORMOCROTCH meeting the descending holy light shining through the dinoLAIR’s broken ceiling and trigonometrifying a perfect triangle of Holy Speedo – the individual threads of an ENORMOSPEEDO several miles across deweaving themselves, spuming forth through the faces of the Roman Legion before hovering upwards into the sky.
And there the Roman Legion, individually pierced through with threads of ENORMOSPEEDO, are joined into one as the White Speedo doth reconstruct, and form an entire and new WHITE ENORMOSPEEDO in the upper atmosphere, blanking out the light over a radius of a thousand miles!
Stretching with great comfort and eye-averting awkwardness, the between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires find themselves fused with their neighbours’ speedos; find themselves unable to not touch their neighbours’ shining bulges; find themselves mortified with horror as they realise they are become but tiny tiny tiny molecules in the largest speedo ever known to man!
And that largest speedo one that hath been worn for many sweaty days without interruption.
The WHITE ENORMOSPEEDO doth descend; and, as if of its own free will, it doth clothe ENORMOCROCKETT; stretching around and across and over his ENORMOGROIN and sealing the gaping gut wound in ENORMOCROCKETT’s favourite guts – and yea; sealing the dinonazi Otto van Dino therein, whereupon he and his squad of velociraptors gnaw upon the hallowed guts to their hearts’ content. And the blood did flow most generously; and Davy Crockett was sad, for Lumithos had not entirely answered his beseechment in the way that he might have wished.
And then Crockett reflected, and rejoiced, for the between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires that were his enemies were become but tiny tiny tiny molecules in his own sweaty yet magical Holy White Enormospeedo of Lumithos, and surely his god would be grateful for this most apt sacrifice.
And then Crockett saw upon the ground that some of his guts had not been sealed within the sweaty yet magical Holy White Enormospeedo of Lumithos, and were bleeding upon the dirt, alone and vulnerable and dripping his essence slowly into the earth, and once more Davy Crockett was sad.
He doth faceth death; yet within himself he realised that he faceth death whilst wearing the Holy White Enormospeedo of his God; and once more Davy Crockett rejoiced.
Continue eating Davy.
And Otto van Dino was both sad and full of rejoicing, for he was trapped within a well-used and sweaty speedo – forsooth, a Holy Sweaty Speedo, and it was most distressing.
And then he and his minions did see a sliver of ENORMOGUT, and did munch upon it most brutally,
…severing it fully from the socket, whereupon it fell into the crotchpit; and was lost forever.
And Crockett the Enormous, King of the Wild Frontier, did depart this life of the living, and enter into a state of negative hitpoints.
Wound Acquired: ENORMOCROCKETT:
Internally Severed Guts!Paul McCartney wills Crockett to get better - ALL THE TIME!
:
"NNOOOOOOO! STEEEEEVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"Paul McCartney is stunned. On one hand, he's thankful Aurelius, the Pimperator, jumped in battle to save him as the Beatles were stoned out of their minds. On the other hand, if they don't defeat DinoHITLER, Stevo's and now Davy’s sacrifices would be in vain.
"So this is really it, huh? Beat the Di-nazis and I go back to Luxembourg? I think we need a song for this. Hold on while I strap this around my left should - hard to play with a sliced up arm!"…Suddenly Paul concentrates so hard that he feels totally unstoned, man! His suddenly dissipated Marijuana Magic fails to materialise any amplifying equipment at all!
"This ain't a song for the broken-hearted,
No silent prayer for the faith-departed"Paul scratches his chin for a sec.
"Hmm - this isn't really my kinda tune. I think, when I get back, Mr Jovi might be able to do it more justice."Paul instead rolls up his trousers to reveal his keyboard leg!
"I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd,
You're gonna hear my voice,
When I shout it out loud!"Standing on the throbbing keyboard leg, he points his guitar toward the fallen ENORMOCROCKETT - their last hope against DINOHITLER!
"It's my life,
It's now or never,
I ain't gonna live forever,
I just want to live while I'm alive!"…ENORMOCROCKETT ENORMOLIVES!
ENORMOCROCKETT’S ENORMOGUTSEGMENT LIVES!
AND BOY ARE THEY ENORMOANGRY!
Now I'm just a dense ball of fur an-
..Dense ball of fur.
..Dense ball of fur.
..Dense ball
Dense
DENSE
Ram him headfirst.
…Charging at DinoHITLER headfirst, the superdense Schrödinger’s Cat completely misses the towering nazi dictator, and smashes into the nearest wall!
The dinoLAIR begins to crumble under the impact, dropping one rock a turn on a randomly chosen person!
Unsurprisingly (yet randomly and kind of ironically) the first person to have a large rock fall on their head is Schrödinger’s Cat!
…He dodges with such force into a nearby wall that the dinoLAIR begins to crumble even harder, dropping another rock per turn on a randomly chosen person!
Amusingly enough the second person to have a large rock fall on their head is Schrödinger’s Cat!
…It entirely fails to avoid the falling debris, and is crushed to smithereens!
Death Acquired Again: Schrödinger’s Cat!
Name:n evil operations engager
Minion or DINOHITLER'S BRAIN PART:
Or a skill: [color=gren}[abr=he gets +1 to evil]pure evil[/abbr] [/color]
An action?
evil engager (that's his nickname bcus his real name is to big) decides to use his powers of evil to kill the heros
Just then n evil operations engager materialises out of pure evil
…and mostly fails to do anything at all!
Suddenly a passing schoolchild appears, and n evil operations engager steals his sweetie!
Minion (Tarchia lieutenant)
Skill: Planning
Bio: Adjutrate ("Ad" or "Jutie" for short) was an unusually intelligent member of a species of unusually intelligent species of anklyosaur. Ad had just started school when DinoHitler came into power; Ad had to take a position in the DiNazinos or DinoNazis or whatever we've decided to call them. Ad rose through the ranks due to an impressive intellect and a bit of an ambitious streak, and now serves as a major lieutenant of DinoHitler. Adjutrate is probably better at this kind of stuff than DH--ordering that triceratopses could only attack by DH's direct orders is a basic mistake that Ad wouldn't have considered except as a bad joke. And violating the NAP with the PteroSoviets...
Action: Determine what has gone wrong now and how I can fix it.
Just after then, Ad the Ankylosaur strolls up to this floor of the dinoLAIR – attempting to determine what’s gone wrong now and how he could possibly fix it!
…But he thinks too hard, and starts becoming a communist! He’s convinced that Marx is right and that blonde is bad! He starts thinking that perhaps the solution to all problems is a world peace achieved through love, harmony, and the wanton smoking of hallucinogenic drugs in sun- and flower-covered fields! He strips naked and begins to dance!
Scream at wounds in angry-sounding Dinogerman until they stop bleeding and become scabs. Activate Total War.
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 (already summoned ones) - provide medical aid to the Dinofuhrer.
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 (newly summoned ones) - protect Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 and the Dinofuhrer.
Meanwhile, forgotten by nearly everyone, DinoHITLER is bleeding. This makes him totally mad bro!
…He screams at his feeble wounds in DinoGERMAN, which just gets his feeble wounds totally mad too!
…He commands his loyal Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 to med the crap out of him, but they just start eating the tasty looking DinoFUEHRER!
…He decides to summon some more to protect him and his loyal lunchmates: another five Ravenous Elite Dinonazis rush in!
Wound Acquired: DINOHITLER:
CHEWED FOOTHeal dinoHITLER's brainmeats via evil transfusion!
”No! Mein dinoFUHRER! I'll save you!”Forgotten by nearly everyone? Yes! Nearly everyone except the loyal Heinrich Mechahamster that is!
…By spurting some of his evil into dinoHITLER’s brainmeats, he heals them entirely! It works but no one knows how!
Thank goodness we didn’t see it!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick. Has a lot of sick in his speedoguts.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:55/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Sliced Up Arm!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. ENORMOUS. Possibly a zombie.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick. Naked!
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:59/75]Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: -1 to legs and -2 to dodging. HULKIMEDES DOESN'T REQUIRE LEGS OR DODGING.
Inventory: PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:73/75] |
Broken Leg! |
Fractured Ribs!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick. +1 to being hit next turn.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: Nine EightSevenSixFiveFourThreeTwo Lives,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly Player: monk12
Name: Heinrich Hamster, Level Five and a Half Nazi Hamster Mecha
Status:Inventory:Wounds: [HP:170/200] |
Fractured Chest! |
Gnawed Face!Skills: Cleverly Named Extra HP Buff! Hamster Ball of Doom! Hamster Warren! Adorable Nazi HamHam! Exploding Minions! Giant Teeth! Cheese Berseker! Player:Name: DINOHITLER, CHIEF OF ALL EVIL
Status: -1 to dodge, -1 to face, -1 to movement
Inventory: spare moustache
Wounds: [HP:50/250] |
FRACTURED RIGHT LEG! |
FRACTURED GUTS! |
SEVERED FACE! |
Severed Guts! |
Bleeding Skull! |
Severed Left Leg! |
PIERCED GUTS |
CHEWED FOOTSkills: Made of Evil,
Total War,
Mediocre Painter,
Stupid Evil.
Davy Crockett’s Reanimated Segment of Severed Gut: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
RINGO STARR ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
GEORGE HARRISON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
Roman Legion: worse than dead
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249045 times)