THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN ELEVEN!
I could've sworn I already sent a turn in!
And I could’ve sworn I knew what was going on! But no!
Wrestle another goddamned crocodile
Steve Irwin has no leg and no face. Crikey!
Naturally he dives onto the nearest passing crocodile and starts wrestling it into submission,
…without a great deal of success,
…but crikey - it’s a flamin’ STEVO croc, mate, and it’s come fully equipped with its own film crew!
The crocodile starts commenting on Steve Irwin’s wrestling technique, calling him a feisty little critter, and directing his film crew to come and just pop the cheeky fella right there in that cage there so we can study him in safety and set him free later, mate!
…At the last minute the crocodile throws Steve Irwin off its back, and suddenly the film crew leap on Stevo, and trap the little blighter in a small cage!
The crocodile turns to face the camera, almost as if explaining that-
”-one of yer fairly typical Steve Irwins, caught right in his natural habitat, gor, what a beaut, eh? Crikey. We’re just gonna keep him in this cage while he bleeds to death so he doesn’t bite any of our fingers off, yeah?”The crocodile turns away slightly to the cameraman.
”Did you get that, yeah? How was that? Crikey, he was a feisty little bugger weren’t he? Eh? Eh? Crikey!”GO GO HAMSTER BALL OF DOOM!
Heinrich Hamster cares NAUGHT about the capture of
Steve Irwin for the advancement of crocodile botanyology.
…With a grinding creak and crunch and whir he deploys a giant and obviously nazi hamster ball out the top of his head, and bounces it relentlessly about the cavern!
…It bounces first towards Steve Irwin, severely bruising his cage!
…It crashes across the ceiling and smashes into
Archimedes Mark II, fracturing the ribs!
…It whams off the wall and obliterates all trace of
Schrödinger’s Cat, leaving nowt but a small red streak!
…Schrödinger’s Cat reappears out of nowhere, only to be immediately broken in the legs!
As he leans back to laugh an evil laugh, suddenly Heinrich the MECHAHAMSTER realises he hasn’t gnawed anything this turn!
His laughter chokes and turns to tears of pain as he accidentally gnaws through his face!
It totally bleeds!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes Mark II:
Fractured Ribs!Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat:
Death!Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat:
Broken Legs!Wound Acquired: Heinrich Hamster:
Gnawed Face!Claw at the leg of the largest enemy.
Schrödinger’s Cat flinches at the horrible sound of evil laughter turning to evil tears, and advances stubbornly, despite his four broken legs, towards the rodent robot, propelling himself with violent pushes from his bushy whiskers.
He claws feebly at the solid titanium mecha legs!
…He collapses from the pain!
Archimedes 1: !!Heinrich Hamster!! + Water = Rongeur au bain Marie
Archimedes 2: Ahum. 3
...
,1
...
4592...
10eb-waitArchimedes has never known a problem that could not be solved by a good smack over the head with some cold hard maths and overcomplication.
Nazi mecha rodents are no different.
Gently conjuring a great quantity of water directly above the head of
Heinrich Hamster, Archimedes clicks his fingers and
…extinguishes the robot’s burning groin.
Awesome!
But wait! Things are soon looking up, as
Archimedes Mark II whips out his scroll of Pi to three hundred decimal places.
He clears his throat.
He starts reading in a dull and
onerous voice.
”Three
Point
One
Four
Five
Nine
Sev-OH MY GOD SOMEONE’S DEFACED THE SCROLL OF PI! I! YOU! THE! UGG! AHHGG! THE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”…Archimedes Mark II begins to turn green!
He begins to double in size!
He…
OH CRAP!
It’s a terrible terrible case of nerdraehggggg!!!1
It’s…
IT’S THE INCREDIBLE HULCHIMEDES!Hulchimedes flexes his oversized green biceps and rips the offending scroll to smithereens! He throws it to the floor! He jumps up and down until it is crushed into tiny bits of scroll dust and then runs at the nearest maths-hating philistine and smashes the poor little kitty into the dirt!
Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat:
Death!HE’S TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!
Paul runs toward Heinrich Hamster, hops on his clayboard and aims for the hamster mecha's head!
Paul prepares to jump off the clayboard at the last minute! Ideally disfiguring Heinrich horribly!
Thanks to the vagaries of the initiative system,
Paul McCartney TOTALLY IGNORES the
Incredible Hulchimedes eying him up in a less than friendly manner to instead expound the TRUTH.
"No! Not a NAZI ROBOT HAMSTER TROOPER!" he finally realises, about a turn after everyone else and possibly for the second time but I haven’t checked.
"Boys: our REAL problem here is Hamsters are far, far too adorable to defeat. Even nazi robot trooper hamsters."A brief light shines off Paul's sequinned guitar and illuminates his face.
"I know how to fix that." he says, menacingly.
"Oh yeah. I know how to fix that RIGHT IN HIS FACE!"…McCartney draws his hoversword and clambers aboard, feeling the power of BEATLES bless his ascent.
"Oh, don't fail me now, hoversword!" he cries, aiming the swordy-board upwards with a nimble twitch of his feet.
He flies through the air!
He shoots through the skies!
He pierces Heinrich Hamster’s face, totally ruining his look!
He floats to the floor on a cloud of BEATLE, waving goodbye to the hovering greatsword he’s left sticking out of the mecharodent’s forehead.
Heinrich feels sad at his ruined handsomeness and has nostalgic regretful flashbacks of the last time an attractive young woman told him he was adorable.
It certainly won't happen again now, he realises.
You know how I feel about you...
Great giant hamster tears fall from his face.
Surely... between you and Hilda...
At least no more friendships will be ruined by inappropriate declarations at just the wrong time, he thinks!
I'm sorry... I'd... I'd had too much to drink...
Regretful nostalgia fills him deeply, and the tears continue to fall.
She could have been the One! he thinks to himself. We would have been together for ever!
But no.
She moved to London and Heinrich never saw her again.
Wrestle the Hamster down and pin his ears back! If successful, OM NOM NOM
On the other side of the massive oversized abomi-beast powerscale balance, things are not nearly as sad. They are, in fact, positively joyful.
Texas! realises
ENORMOCROCKETT, so enormous that even his thoughts can be heard from dozens of feet away,
My darling! With my new giant stature, I should be able to see you from here, when we get outside!His heart fills with joy – TEXAS! His one true love! Well, TEXAS and FREEDOM, and shootin’ stuff, and swallowing roadki-
WAIT!
That giant... rat? Well, I did something similar on a dare in mah youth. This shouldn't be a problem, right? Just have to get the ears!He booms a challenge to the nazi rodent.
"ROBOT RAT, YOU LOOK PRETTY TASTY!" he shouts, before turning deafeningly to his friends.
"IF ONE OF YOU COULD GET SOME BUTTER OR SOMETHING SLICK ON HIM, THAT WOULD HELP TOO! GRAVY? MUSTARD? WAIT! HE'S BLEEDING ALL OVER HIS FACE! PERFECT!"Striding mercilessly over, ENORMOCROCKETT grapples in a suggestive manner with
HEINRICH HAMSTER, NASTY NAZI MECHAHAMSTER! ...He totally pins back the hamster's ears!
...DAVY CROCKETT EATS HEINRICH HAMSTER!
Holy crap.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Heinrich Hamster: -2 Sadness Penalty to combat rolls (one turn)
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Five Legendary Crocodile Hunter
Status: Covered in sick. -1 to arms, legs, and faces. In a cage being filmed.
Inventory: Khaki Coloured Sequinned Shorts, Mate!,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 50/100] |
Severed Arm! |
Severed Left Leg! |
Severed Face!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Acrocalypse Now,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. ENORMOUS.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:69/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: -1 to legs and -2 to dodging. HULCHIMEDES DOESN'T REQUIRE LEGS OR DODGING.
Inventory: PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:57/75] |
Broken Leg! |
Fractured Ribs!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: Nine EightSevenSixFiveFour Lives,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly Player: monk12
Name: Heinrich Hamster, Level Five and a Half Nazi Hamster Mecha
Status: Eaten.
Inventory:Wounds: [HP:185/200] |
Fractured Chest! |
Gnawed Face!Skills: Cleverly Named Extra HP Buff! Hamster Ball of Doom! Hamster Warren! Adorable Nazi HamHam! Exploding Minions! Giant Teeth! Cheese Berseker! RINGO STARR ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
GEORGE HARRISON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
Heinrich Hamster’s minions: Sheets to come!
Right – if Steve Irwin doesn't reappear before the turn after next, or the next turn if it takes me a fortnight again, then I will randomly select (well, I've already randomly selected but I will ask them) a person from the waitlist.
IN THE MEANTIME – ANY SUGGESTIONS ACCEPTED FOR STEVE IRWIN
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249607 times)