THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN NINE!
Wrestle a goddamned crocodile
”Crikey mate!” shouts
Steve Irwin, fairly obviously,
”I don’t know what to do! I barely even know what’s going on!”He looks around in a mild panic at the surrounding horde of NAZI ROBOT TROOPERS.
”Oh shit yeah! A giant flaming robocroc, mates! Leave this little critter to me!”As a strangely mechanical reptile scuttles across the room behind the horde of NAZI ROBOT TROOPERS, Stevo leaps gymnastically over, landing on his feet right in front of the deadly new foe.
He kicks it in the face!
…The robocroc bites his bleeding leg off, mates!
…And then chokes to death on it!
”Crikey mate!” hops Steve Irwin.
”Ouch!”Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin:
Severed Left Leg!Quantum Fur Ball > a clustered Nazi Trooper!
”Hrkkrkpffllfphrrhkk!” shouts
Schrödinger’s Cat, suddenly reminded of something by this violent choking.
”Hrkkthhhhhhhttttfllfphrrhkk!” he comes again, circling dementedly in horrible violent spasms.
”Hrkkt hrkkk hrkkkk pfffflaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!” he triumphantly phlegms, as a furball of such quantum density that it forms, or deforms, or unforms into a rapidly moving beachball sized black hole as it flies directly towards the crowd of NAZI ROBOT TROOPERS surrounding the space where Steve Irwin used to stand last turn.
…Suddenly sucked up horizontal into the air, four of the politically discredited robots fly towards the intense darkness, and disappear into nothingness as the black hole shoots off through the wall and into the depths of the DinoLair!
”Harrumph,” says Schrödinger’s Cat, as he gently clears his throat and sets to nonchalantly licking the fur on the back of his front right paw.
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER THREE!
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER FOUR!
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER FIVE!
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER SIX!
FIRE THE WHITE SPEEDO at the biggest group of ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS.
"Tarnation!" cries
Davy Crockett, bleeding to death and ignoring the feline destruction before him, whilst still, I think, being carried in the mouth of the circling Archimedian horse and somehow travelling Texaswards – the most American of directions.
"Where are the limbshovings of yesteryear? The Abomination Class has failed me at the final hurdle! Lumithos, I need your aid!"Davy Crockett starts gyrating his hips suggestively at the sky, and suddenly there is a cracking sound as the solid rock in front of the five or six or seven bowienauts and assembled Beatles splits apart!
”You rang, milord?”Davy stops seductively thrusting his groin to look curiously about him. He sees no source of this strange reptilian yet somehow educatedly villainous British voice.
"Lumithos?" he thrusts, with a more questioning movement.
”Oh shit!” cries the small hamster staring up at him.
”You’re not DinoHITLER! How can you summ-”"And you’re not Lumithos?!" shouts Crockett looking down in a fearful rage, desperately trying to halt the pulsing crotch beneath his WHITE SPEEDO.
"You’re…"”Oh crikey mate!” shouts
Steve Irwin, falling over slightly to the left,
”The fiendish Heinrich Hamster, left-hand man of DinoHITLER himself!! Aw mate, you’ve blown it now, Davy! Halt the flamin’ speedo, mate! Stop your bleeding groin, Davy!”"I can’t stop the groin, Stevo! It’s too strong for me! The WHITE SPEEDO of Lumithos is going all wrong!! Nooooooooooooooooo!"…Multiple blasts of WHITE SPEEDO light flame out of Crockett’s groin area, turning first multi-coloured and then viciously, abhorrently black as they speed towards the crouching and terrified Nazi Hamster, blasting him right between the eyes and then shattering into vast mighty shards of hideous BLACK SPEEDO power that fly through the air, crack, blast, and reduce the last six ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS to crumbled pieces of broken metal.
There’s an explosion.
There’s an impenetrable cloud of Nazi-looking smoke.
As a gentle sound of harmonious vocals and accompanying guitars, bass and drums pierces the evil smoke, the bowienauts are appalled to look upwards and see, as the smoke begins to fade, the shattered pieces of ROBOT NAZI TROOPER levitate into the sky, as if drawn together by some evil and mysterious… GIANT NAZI HAMSTER HEAD?
”Oh crikey mate!” realises Steve Irwin before anyone else, being the expert on wildlife that he is,
”You’ve killed Heinrich Hamster, mate! And you’ve only gone and created a bleeding ROBOT NAZI GIANT HAMSTER with your uncontrollable groin! You doofus, Crockett!”Steve Irwin is, again, at least on the subject of wildlife, right.
A giant Nazi Hamster Mecha stands towering before them.
Paul McCartney strums a healing chord for Davy Crockett, making him better. All the time.
The heat of battle. The musty smell of testosterone. Blood. Charred metal. Sick. Hamsters… hamsters? The aid of the fickle god Lumithos? It can mean only one thing!
”Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”McCartney stares in horror at the abomination standing before them. He stares at the abomination that is his friend. An abomination wounded; sick-covered; travelling ineluctably towards… towards Texas! Towards Texas and freedom! But no!
Davy Crockett’s life is bleeding out onto the floor in a cruel circle drawn by the whims of a possibly imaginary Greek man’s possibly imaginary cat-murdering horse.
”You can’t fall now, our Dave!”Paul McCartney turns to his recently materialised old companions.
"Hey, boys! Long time no see! Thanks for the Clayboard, Lennon - really came in handy. But I've got a bigger problem now. Why don't you all play something to back my up while Davy gets back on his feet? A one, a two, a one two three…"…There’s an explosion.
An explosion of anti-Nazi rock and roll!
An explosion of Joy!
An explosion… of Davy Crockettness!
With beams of musical healing shooting from Paul McCartney’s magical healing music-mouth, Davy Crockett is blasted with incredible force between the jaws of Archimedes’ horse, who swallows him whole in the shock.
Suddenly the horse flies apart in a terrible incident of unwanted horsemeat!
Davy Crockett emerges!
He’s covered in blood!
But… but… horse blood? He bleeds no more! He grows! He pulses with musical loveliness! He shoots up with giant healingness as far as the ceiling and…
…and is transformed into a terrifying ENORMOCROCKETT! He stands fully as tall as the evil Hamster Mecha who still defies him!
He notices that he is quite tall, and the intuitive thought occurs to him that he has healed thirty nine hit points this turn!
”THANKS, PAUL!” he booms.
”Erm! Crikey!”Giant Stature Acquired: +1 to being hit; +2 to strength rolls.
Archimedes 1/2: Multiply this squared.
”Interesting,” observes one of the
Archimedes.
”Yes,” observes
the other.
”Shall we do some maths?””That would probably be best, yes.””Right-oh!””Oh bugger.””Hmm.”…The pair of Archimedes weave a deadly and apparently bloodthirty web of magical bonuses! It totally affects everyone in sight!
This is not a good use of a spoiler, but I can’t really remember… er…you’re all in a big cavern?
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:Paul: +3 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +1 to being hit; +2 to strength rolls.
Bowienauts: +2 mathematical to hit bonus.
Enemies: +2 mathematical to hit bonus.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Five Legendary Crocodile Hunter
Status: Covered in sick. -1 to arms.
Inventory: Khaki Coloured Sequinned Shorts, Mate!,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 90/100] |
Severed Arm! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Acrocalypse Now,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. Must travel towards Texas for 1 turn or face a -2 Democracy Penalty.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:58/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: -1 to legs and dodging.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:49/75] |
Broken Leg!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: Nine EightSevenSix Lives,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly RINGO STARR ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
JOHN LENNON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
GEORGE HARRISON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
Heinrich Hamster, the Nazi Rodent Mecha: Sheet to come!
Heinrich Hamster’s minions: Sheets to come!
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249088 times)