TURN THIRTEEN!
Delay-related recap…
Somewhere in the jungle, on a different Earth and in a different Time, the four bowienauts and, for some reason, Erwin Schrödinger, are all but drowning in cats and vomit as they fight half a thousand foot tall dinofrogcat god. Their mission? To assassinate DinoHitler’s mum, and thereby save the other Earth from a nightmare of eternal Evil. Obviously.
Somewhere in the jungle…
Fix Edward. Again. Also grab cloak.
Somewhere in the jungle, there sits a philosopher. An ancient Greek philosopher. A wise and knowledgeable man. A man so learned in the ways of mathematics that he can manipulate the very fabric of reality itself. A man who has quite literally invented the art of medicine singlehandedly. A man who, after several minutes of
…busily bending over the pureed lower body of Edward, the brave and loyal Tyrannosaurus Cat, realises that there is nothing further he can do and, straightening up next to the bandage-wrapped dino-fiend,
…suddenly leaps to his feet, running around entirely naked yet again, gyrating his groin in a suggestive manner at several scandalised ferns, stepping over the cats and vomit that litter the ground, flailing his arms this way and that before, once more, tripping over a nearby furry obstacle and diving head first into a tree.
”Gngnngggngngg!” groans
Archimedes to the tree.
The tree ignores him.
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse:
Gashed Head!DemiDeathTongue McCartney!
”MCCARTNEYYYYY!!!” screams the wrathful Terry.
”YOU WILL PAY!” he shouts, lumbering after the fleeing Beatle. Suddenly he spies the lovely liverpudlian through a gap in the jungle foliage.
”HE MUST NOT GET AWAY!” he blasts, in a suddenly strange voice.
”No!” realises
Erwin Schrödinger, the nearest thing present to a demi-god expert.
”Not the voice that signals the impending release of the demi-god demi-death tongue! NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”Catsploitate any attack that wishes to harm the other humanoids! Meaning hit Terry!
Smite Terry, if not dead, using a time-proven passage from The Second Volume of Quantum Mechanics.
Before the endless tongue can finish coiling up and shoot out of Terry’s mouth,
Erwin Schrödinger hurriedly aims his sleeve at the thousand foot tall monstrosity and shoots a kitten right into his eye.
…But just at that second Terry blinks! The kitten bounces off his half-godly eyebrow, tumbling a thousand feet to the ground.
”MCCARTNEYYYYY!!!” comes a voice like thunder once more.
”TURN AND FIGHT, YOU HEATHENOUS DAMN HIPPY! TURN AND LET ME EAT YOU LIKE THE PRAWN CRACKER YOU KNOW YOURSELF TO BE!”Paul McCartney stops. He cannot help himself. He turns. He faces Terry.
…Suddenly a gigantic tongue shoots out towards him, lashing itself around a hundred foot tall tree next to the terrified Beatle and ripping it out of the ground. The ground McCartney is standing on suddenly whips into the air! Tree, ground and Beatle fly helplessly towards Terry’s enormous mouth a thousand feet up!
”My Goodness,” mumbles Schrödinger to no one in particular.
”This is a travesty to my work.
This does not matter. Quantum suicide matters.
That is not my construct. It is theirs.
Eliminate the opposing variable. Affix the integer of i. Cast down the enormo-deathtongue.
Alpha Strike. Time… TIME FOR PHYSICS.”With McCartney nearly five hundred feet up in the air, flying towards Terry’s terrible mouth, Erwin starts searching about his layers of clothing.
He pulls out a book.
”The… Blimey. This one looks suitably complicated,” decides the black belt quantum physicist, hefting the book in his hand. He wangs it straight into the air.
…Quantum Mechanics, Vol. II smashes Terry right in the mouth! Blood streams forth! It is, even from the ground far below, very clearly fractured!
Wound Acquired: Terry:
Fractured Mouth!Do more honourable single combat with Terry!
Many feet below, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat sees his ally
Paul McCartney fly upwards towards his doom, and acts in desperation. He bites Terry on the knee!
…Terry collapses to the ground in pain, his knee entirely severed!
McCartney continues to fly upwards towards his doom!
Wound Acquired: Terry:
Severed Knee!Rocketleg jump to DINOHALFGOD and activate the Bowie Knife!
Sprinting after the half-god chasing down his floppy-haired English friend,
Davy Crockett has had enough!
This was it. This dinohalfgod's rampage had to stop. It was now or never."Time to die, false halfgod!" he screams, just as Terry falls to his one knee. Crockett blasts into the air, powered by the roaring rocketness of his rocket-powered Segway-leg and with his broken right arm dangling limply by his side. He has just enough time to think that this is ridiculous before finding himself level with where he imagines Terry’s heart must be. He reaches for his trusty bowie knife. His beloved bowie knife. The bowie knife that he used to fight his way out of the Alamo and into this dismal future.
Davy Crockett grimaces through the pain.
He grips his bowie knife.
Sorry, Judith, he mumbles, seemingly to no one.
I’m gonna have to let you go, girl…Davy Crockett thrusts his bowie knife into Terry’s chest! Terry roars in agony!
…He seems to have fractured the false halfgod’s heart!
Could Terry stumble any further onto his severed knee, ‘tis sure that the fiendish dinofrogcat would. He is most grievously wounded!
Wound Acquired: Terry:
Fractured Heart! McCartney took out his guitar as he ran, strapping one end around his back so he play on the go.
He pointed it at Terry as he ran, preparing to inundate him with PURE LOVE!
Paul McCartney looks in horror as Terry the Half-god’s mouth comes rushing towards him. He feels his deep and undisputable connection to the Action Heroes of times past. Harrison Ford. William Shatner. Marcus Aurelius. But he’s not a fighter, man! He instead is suddenly visited by a vision. A vision of himself as Harrison Ford running from a large, rolling stone. One slip and that was it! The exit: DinoHITLER.
"I need a song for this!" McCartney takes out his guitar as he rises on the mound of earth and tree, strapping one end around his back so he play on the go.
"But which one? Hmmm..."Paul McCartney's thoughts trace back to that girl at the concert he'd gone to just before the band broke up. What was her name? Linda. Sounded right. He never met her since, but he knew if he got back to Liverpool, the old Liverpool, the free Liverpool, he'd have to meet her again. Maybe start a band with her. Maybe something more. A range of vegetarian pies perhaps. But not now. This guitar, his teammates and the shining memory of Linda are all he has!
"Don't let me down," he strums, staring down at his guitar as Terry’s fractured and bleeding mouth bears down on him.
Don't let me down indeed, man."Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down
Nobody ever hate me like he does
Oh, he does, yeah, he does
And if somebody hunt me like Terry do
Oh, he hates me, oh he do"Suddenly McCartney unstraps his guitar from his shoulders! From somewhere drums seem to play!
"Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down
I'm alive for the first time
Don't know if it's gonna last
And this chase won't be forever
And this chase may be my last"
He points it at Terry as he flies helplessly towards the vast dinofrogcat’s mouth, preparing to inundate him with PURE LOVE!
"And from the first time that he saw me
Oh, he hate me, he hate me good
I guess nobody ever should summon frogs
Oh, they scary, they scare me good
Don't let me down, hey don't let me down
Heeeeey, don't let me down"
Suddenly horns and bass and harmonious backing vocals appear out of the sky as if the music of a thousand angels, and a beam of PURE LOVE shoots out the end of McCartney’s treasured instrument!
…”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” sobs Terry through his shattered teeth, blood and spit raining down on McCartney like the most hideous monsoon.
”I CAN’T DO IT! I CAN’T KILL WHEN THERE IS SUCH LOVE IN THE WORLD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh Paul! I love you, man!”Suddenly Terry’s tongue falls limp.
The wad of earth and tree and McCartney falls hundreds of feet to the ground with a crash.
…McCartney seems unscathed, and walks away from the sobbing and battered halfgod.
Just then
Steve Irwin dashes past him.
”CRIKEY MATE!!!!”Turn around.
Tackle Terry, wrestle him into submission, and ride him... to face DinoHITLER's mother.
"What am I doing, running? Crikey! There ain’t no reptile that I can’t wrestle! Specially not when he’s sobbing and battered! Don’t worry Paul, I’m gonna save you, fella!” shouts Steve Irwin, running past the already saved Paul,
…sprinting up Terry’s horrible wet and endlessly long limp tongue, jumping onto his face and punching the thousand foot tall beast to the ground.
"Think you’re a feisty fella, do you matey? Eh?” says Stevo, grabbing hold of as much of Terry’s neck as he can.
"Well I’m gonna knock the feisty right out of ya, ya bleeding bastard! Crikey mate!”Steve Irwin wrestles the thousand foot tall demigod into submission!
He climbs onto its head!
He kicks it in the ear until it does his bidding!
"Come on matey! There you go eh! Thattaway boy, quick sharp!”Steve Irwin rides Terry the Thousand Foot Tall Dinofrogcat Halfgod towards the north west! He soon reaches a tremendous speed!
His friends trailing dozens of feet behind him,
Steve Irwin finds himself alone atop the subdued Terry, suddenly amidst a strange visual cacophony of portacabins and foreboding box-like objects.
Crikey mate, he realises to himself,
This must be that bloody European fella’s secret base! The one where… The one where dinoHITLER’s mum is held?Terry stops abruptly, falling to his severed knee and in need of rest. Stevo pats him affectionately on the head.
”There there… It’s almost over, mate… We’re here. We just gotta find…”Stevo’s interrupted by a trembling shake of the ground. He looks about hi-
”My God.””Stevo?””Hugh?” Steve Irwin stares in disbelief.
”I never thought I’d see you again. I thought you’d left for ever, mate. Crikey. YOU’RE dinoHITLER’s mum?””I… er… the um… er… It’s a long story, Stevo. It’s a long story. What are you here for, Stevo?””I’m… I’m here for you, Hugh.””You… You want to be friends again? After all you did?!””I… No Hugh. I have to take you down. DinoHITLER cannot be born, mate. I don’t care what might have been between us, for the world to live you have to die.””Crikey mate.””Don’t Hugh. It’s not the time.””I know Stevo. Sorry. But you’re too late, Stevo. DinoHITLER is already born. Hitler and I… we…er… the um… er… It’s a long story, you know. These damn boxes. One thing followed another. First I became DinoHITLER’s mum. Then I…er… we met Hitler. It was all these boxes. These damn boxes. Are you in there? Who knows? Are YOU in there? Or are you and a dinosaur chieftess in there? Are you in there? Or are you DinoHITLER’s mum? And then…””Crikey mate. God, I’m sorry.””Don’t be, Stevo. I’m happy now. I’ve found myself. I have a son. And you’ve come to take him away. I’m sorry it has to be this way, Stevo, but he has to live. You have to die. Oh right, I see,” says DinoHITLER’s mum, looking over Steve Irwin’s shoulder.
”You have new friends now. Oh. And the box-man.”Stevo turns round to see
Paul, Davy, Archimedes and three
Erwins run up, Edward trailing some distance behind.
They look up as one.
”My God.”DinoHITLER’s mum stares each of them in the eye, one by one. She turns briefly round.
”RUN, DINOHITLER! RUN! SAVE YOURSELF! FLEE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY! MUMMY’S HERE!”There’s the sound of bustling activity somewhere behind her.
”YOU SHALL NOT PASS, STEVO. NOT YOU. NOT YOUR FRIENDS. YOUR STORY ENDS HERE.”Everyone is just outside Schrödinger’s compound, which is composed of many boxes and portacabins.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:Terry has a -2 emotional penalty.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Four Veteran Crocodile Hunter
Status: Naked.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 100/100]Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Four Veteran Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Covered in blood and sick.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Four Veteran King of the Wild Frontier
Status: Naked. -1 to melee. -1 to legs. -1 to further facial wounds.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Doublearmlegface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:21/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Broken Right Arm! |
Severed Leg! |
Broken Face!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll! You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Four Veteran Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick. Naked still! -1 to Leg. -1 to Movement.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:50/75] |
Stone Leg!|
Smashed Head! |
Gashed HeadSkills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist
Status: One of three Schrödingers!
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. IWounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Catsploitator,
Master of Cats,
Theorist of Uncertainty,
Master of Uncertainty,
Sickly Name: Hugh Grant and the Dino-Chieftess (DinoHITLER’s mum)
Status: Conjoined by Quantum Physics
Inventory: Floppy Hair,
Massive ClawsWounds: [HP:175/175]Skills: Floppy Hair,
I… er… the um… er,
LAZERDEATHEYES,
Dino Chieftess,
English Edward The Tyrannosaurus Cat: 09/100. |
Lower Body Turned to a Paste!Joe the Lone Dinocat: 10/10 (Still choking on a small piece of sick that got caught on his fur)
Terry, THE GOD OF SMALL AND TERRIBLE THINGS THAT HAVE SOMEHOW GROWN FAR TOO LARGE
Wounds: [HP:70/200] |
Facial Injury! | Severed Nose! | Severed Knee! | Fractured Mouth! | Fractured Heart!
Skills: DEMIDEATHTONGUE, FAR TOO LARGE, FROGINATOR, STOMPATRON. HALFGOD.
I think I banged my head.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249613 times)