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Author Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued  (Read 248567 times)

lawastooshort

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The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude.
« Reply #480 on: June 29, 2012, 08:29:38 am »

SHORT INTERLUDE



“Jesus, man,” blasphemes Paul McCartney as he looks down upon the mangled face of his erstwhile companion. “Your beard, dude. Shit. I’m sorry, man.”

Rasputin is lying stretched out on a long white table, his face pale, his chin cold, his eyes fair and blank with a heavy anaesthetic. A curious surgical frame stands a few feet from his head. Dozens of figures in gowns and facemasks surround him. A harsh light shines down on the Russian mystic as he reaches out a feeble hand to take McCartney’s.



“I know. We had been together forever. We had never been apart! But the Timelord is taking care of me… He has promised me a new beard… He has promised to stand guard over me in my time of weakness…”

“We’re uh… we’re going to need another shot of drugs, Professor Halsted!” gasps an astonished medical student. “He’s just not going under!”

As David Bowie’s personal anaesthetist scurries over to put Rasputin to sleep, the Professor stops by his patient’s bed.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, my good man! You won’t feel even the tiniest prick! This is a very complicated procedure, so I’m putting my best student on the job! He’s watched me perform dozens of beard transplants, and as long as we finish before his drugs wear off then his shakes should stay under control! Mostly!”

Rasputin’s dozy eyes turn to the Professor, one eyebrow arched.

“Haha! No! Really! I’m joking. The Magnificent Timelord instructed me to take personal command of this operation – you must be a great hero. This is only the second time he has let someone have the Robobeard 12000 implanted! It is the height of bio-engineered beard technology, and staunchly anti-communist!”

A smile creeps across Rasputin’s face; he drifts off into unconsciousness.

Someone in a gown and facemask shoos the bowienauts out of the room as Professor Halsted lowers the surgical frame and bionic beard over Rasputin’s face.

“Come on chaps. You need to get down to the infirmary to get your… less serious wounds seen to. Down the corridor, first on the left.”

…   …   …   …   …   …

“Perhaps,” intones the Magnificent Timelord the next day, “We should say a few words.”

The four vaguely repaired bowienauts stand with Bowie in a loose semicircle around a coffin whose every inch is covered with glittering sequins. Motifs of lightning hang down the sides; it is impeccably clean, as its occupant would have wanted. A weeping polar bear stands at one end of group.

“Although, you know, he’s not really dead. Just… kind of… drained of life. By the Holy White Speedo of Lumithos. After becoming a Scot. Anyway. Dear Nikola; you were a scientist of good. A scientist for good. And that thing with the lightning was totally awesome. You died a hero, trapped in the virtueless forest of Connery’s chest hair, fighting the unending fight against evil and totalitarianism. Touched by the White Speedo, you may have thought that the heavenly afterlife was upon you. Alas! For you were right, dude. You are gone. We will always remember you. We will continue the fight.”

David Bowie turns away from the coffin and towards the assembled heroes.

“Tesla has fallen! He died a hero to all of humanity. If ever we need him, if ever the bowieverse is in mortal danger, or simply just out of electricity, then by the power of my ever-living sequins he shall return! And you, Mr Frost: you shall be by my side waiting for him!”

Bowie gives the polar bear a tender rub under the chin; the polar bear hums with a melancholy pleasure and gently nuzzles the timelord’s thigh.

…   …   …   …   …   …



“Nice ear dude!”



“Yeah, crikey! I can hear all sorts of things now, fella – I could hear a dingo licking its balls from a thousand feet away, as my uncle used to say! Say, that’s a pretty nice arm you got yourself there, mate!”

“Well, yes, I suppose it is, Steve. I was a bit upset at first that they didn’t fit another turret of some sort, but this here regular American arm sure is pretty good for tying my boot. Can’t say that about the damned Nazi contraption on the other side, eh!”

The two outdoorsmen continue their small talk as the bowienauts follow the Timelord and Tesla’s storage coffin to the cryogenic chambers. The Magnificent Timelord turns to face the bowienauts over his shoulder, and starts speaking as he walks.

“It’s good that you’ve had a couple of days to rest up, chaps, there’s gonna be no time to lose for your next heroic mission! I’ve had our scientists scanning through the historical multiverses pretty hard, and you know what? They reckon taking out dinoHITLER in combat, man to dino-enhanced man, is likely to be pretty deadly. So, well, to cut a long and drug-addled story short, I realised – why don’t we just kill his mum? Now, there’s been some kind of minor breach in the space-time which, although dangerous and under investigation by our scientists, is gonna enable us to slip you in all stealthy and get you back in time without anyone bad noticing.”

David Bowie stops talking for an instant to mindswipe the secure doors in front of him. He steps through into the cryogenics antechamber.

“Now, once we get Nikolas safe and sound in his freezer we’re going to get you on your way. Davy, I noticed you are wearing one of the Four Artefacts of Good? Yea, for you are truly blessed, man. You have discovered a great and holy item – a Speedo that can, if used correctly, bring a man back from the brink of death itself! One of the highest powers of healing known on Earth! I’ll see if one of my scientists can’t give you a briefing before you g-arrrgggrggghhhgh!”

Suddenly the Magnificent Timelord falls to his knees, hands clasping his head and a pained expression carved into his lovely features.

…   …   …   …   …   …

The next few seconds are a blur of activity. A handful of gowned and masked figures, similar to those attending in the surgical bay, rush in from various hidden and electrically operated sliding doors, dashing to the Timelord’s side. A time-scientist bursts in from another hidden door.

“Oh God Jesus oh God no oh!” cries the time-scientist. “What the hell’s going on dudes? The Timelord’s time-control is slipping, man!” He sees Bowie on his knees in pain and unable to move or speak. “Oh shit!”

One of the medical personnel speaks.

“Oh shit dudes, he’s having a time-migraine! We need his pills, stat!”

The time-scientist consults his wrist-mounted time-display.

“Oh, come on, man, we’re losing it! The minor space-time breach is growing! I’ve no idea how this is happening… Get those drugs into him!”



”No!” interrupts Archimedes. “Screw the pills, they won’t work quick enough! Get out the injections, man! Trust me, I’m a qualified doctor now! Get the drugs!”

“Grnnnghhgnrr…”

Suddenly, as two of the medics drag David Bowie to his feet and another runs off to search for the Timelord’s emergency drug kit, a shimmering rift in reality appears right before the shocked bowienaut heroes, an awful gash in the guts of time itself, a leaking split in the fabrics of the many multiverses.

A vaguely familiar looking figure materialises in the centre of the cryogenic antechamber. Something unidentifiable but unignorable about him seems terribly and hideously wrong.



“It is not!” the newcomer starts, “The living who count; not the living man, whether strong or stumbler, not the doer of deeds. The credit belongs to the man who is actually dead! Whose face is marred by rotting putrescence and dust and death; yet who continues to strive valiantly; who in life erred, and who in death continues to err, and yea! For there is no undead without a raiser of the undead; without someone to actually strive to do the deeds; who shows great enthusiasm, great devotion; who knows the triumph of high achievement; who tracks down the Timelord for the greatest corpses that have lived! And who shall give them life again! Yea, for I have come for your corpses!”

”Oh shit, no!” screams a terrified nurse, rushing about with some pills. ”He’s come for the Timelord’s corpse! Help! Get him out of here!”

As the nurse smashes an alarm switch the President laughs.

“Ahahahaha! No, you foolish boy! It is your corpse for which I have come! Ahahahahah! Take this!”

The necromancer stares at the nurse with great intensity; suddenly there is a blinding flash, the flesh boils away from his bones, and the nurse drops dead to the floor.

The evil President laughs again as the dark gods raise the nurse back to unlife.

”Quick!” wails the time-scientist as a nurse rushes back in carrying Bowie’s emergency drug kit. ”The growing minor space-time breach seems to be giving him the power to vaporise the flesh from our bones! We must inject the Timelord to stop this ungodly power! We must protect the Magnificent Timelord!”

Temporary Ability Acquired: Roosevelt: Flesh Vaporiser

“Ahahahaha!”


INTRODUCING: THE EVIL PERVERTER OF CORPSES: THEODERM ROOSEVELT!



Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)

VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS

EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
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Dermonster

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude.
« Reply #481 on: June 29, 2012, 08:59:51 am »

Guess who~~~~
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"Dammit Derm!" - You, if I'm doing it right.
Moved to SufficientVelocity / Spacebattles.

freeformschooler

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude.
« Reply #482 on: June 29, 2012, 11:27:26 am »

"Teddy Necromantic Roosevelt? How horrifying! Wait, I have just the trick!"

Paul McCartney, who should have learned better by now, flashes his HORRIBLE SPEEDOGUTS at Theoderm Roosevelt!
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Toaster

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude.
« Reply #483 on: June 30, 2012, 04:11:45 pm »

Sorry- didn't realize you were looking for an action.


Help out Bowie!
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
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Talarion

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude.
« Reply #484 on: July 01, 2012, 08:29:02 am »

Stevo dives to assist Davy in helping Bowie!
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10ebbor10

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude.
« Reply #485 on: July 02, 2012, 03:49:44 am »

Sound the alarms, close the painfully slow blast doors, and open the Airlock.

((No wait, scratch that last one. Do multiply this instead, and if possible set up the Solar laser Array to))
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lawastooshort

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The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #486 on: July 03, 2012, 07:03:52 am »

SHORT INTERLUDE PART TWO

Flesh Vaporate the nurse with the drugs, and punch the ever loving hell out of Archimedes.

My Nurse Minion shall go after McCartney's legs.




“Hahaha!” shouts Roosevelt in a piece of dialogue Shakespeare could only dream of writing as he turns to face the nurse running towards David Bowie and clutching the drugs. ...Rays of angry death shoot out of the evil President’s eyes, vaporatorising the living flesh from the poor nurse’s legs before moving up and flaying his torso and head.

Still running, the nurse-corpse tumbles forwards and hits the ground, burnt-clean bones scattering apart on impact and then scuttling along the floor towards each other as they reform. This second nurse minion rises in time to see its first brother-in-unlife drag itself across the floor in the direction of Paul McCartney, greedily eying the Beatle’s remaining leg.

...Alas for Paul McCartney! For he is too busy getting naked to notice the approaching corpse, and the first thing he knows of its hideous assault is the horrible feeling of his leg snapping between undead teeth! Still struggling with his clothes, the Last Beatle tumbles backwards to the floor!

Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Broken Right Leg!

“Hahahahaha!” Roosevelt adds, directing his portly figure towards the man in a dress. “I hereby declare you deserve a fair deal… in the face!”

He aims a staggeringly powerful blow to Archimedes’s annoyingly philosophical jaw, ...but his own superhuman fist-power surprises him and he misses and stumbles past the Greek, into the open space behind!

Undead Nurse Minion One: Gnawing on McCartney’s leg. Healthy.
Undead Nurse Minion Two: Rising to live again. Healthy.

Sound the alarms, close the painfully slow blast doors, and open the Airlock.

((No wait, scratch that last one. Do multiply this instead, and if possible set up the Solar laser Array to))



Archimedes dodges the necromantic president’s fearsome blow and dashes over to sound the alarms, ...hitting the button several times with no effect until he realises the alarms are already sounding!

“Blast!” he murmurs quietly in his rage, deciding to take out his frustration with some good hard maths. “X!” he shouts to his comrades, “And q!” he adds, before finishing off, “Squared!!”

...The bowienauts feel themselves filled with the power of mathematics and, flushed with mathematical joy, Archimedes decides to whip out his solar laser. ...But instead he gets his hand stuck in his pocket!

Stevo dives to assist Davy in helping Bowie!



...Archimedes probably got his hand stuck due to being distracted by the awesomeness of what he beholds: Steve Irwin flying across the antechamber in a desperate attempt to somehow help Davy Crockett! He’s not quite sure what to help him with though, and, as he stops to think, he suddenly falls out of the air and lands with a dull thud! On the corpse of nurse minion number two! Faster than you could write “whoops, it’s free attack time” the skeletal corpse tries to chew on Steve Irwin’s last remaining natural ear, ...but instead gets his teeth entangled in the Australian’s lovely floppy hair!

Paul McCartney, who should have learned better by now, flashes his HORRIBLE SPEEDOGUTS at Theoderm Roosevelt!



"Teddy Necromantic Roosevelt?” realises Paul McCartney. “How horrifying! Wait, I have just the trick!"

...Paul McCartney starts getting naked in front of the President, suggestively shaking his hips and flinging his clothes off one by one into the corners of the room. As soon as his youthful body is revealed to all, he leaps forward and thrusts his Speedo-enhanced guts at Roosevelt! Barely noticing the dead nurse chewing on his only leg, his eyes are slowly transfixed by the President’s splendid glasses… and the delightful reflection of his own SPEEDOGUTS in them! It’s like… raw naked guts… mixed with raw Speedo covered groin! But worse! Without so much as a warning babysick in his mouth, McCartney’s body takes over in reaction to this horrifying spectacle: he vomits forth a torrent of bile and breakfast into Roosevelt’s face!

Struck full in the face by the musician’s lumpy digestive juice, Roosevelt in turn is repulsed to the point of physical sickness! The floor turns slick with a vile smelling necromantic intestinal smoothie as the great man sinks to his knees. He wipes McCartney’s sick off his glasses with the back of his sleeve just in time to personally witness another burst of his own regurgitation. It dribbles down the front of his waistcoat and forms a neat little pool in his lap.

Status Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Vomiting!

McCartney, in fact, vomits with such force that he is thrown several feet backwards, free of the gnawing and bone-breaking clasp of nurse minion number one and free of the disgusting reflected sight of his own SPEEDOGUTS. But he can’t stop being sick! The memory is all too much and all too recent; he lands flat on his back a few feet from Roosevelt, and continues to pour out a fountain of foul gut-liquid.

Lying on his back, he finds himself caught fully in the field of fire of the horror-sick as it falls back down towards him. He rolls desperately out of the way as it covers his face, crushing his broken leg beneath him and writhing in naked pain on the vomit smeared floor.

As he flails semi-blindly about, he comes face to face with his unwitting third victim: the nurse who had been feeding on his leg is still crawling relentlessly towards him, obeying his overlord’s command. It comes face to face with a burst of retch-juice so foully powerful it is blasted two dozen feet backwards, bones shattering into bits on the back wall of the cryogenic antechamber.

Status Acquired: Paul McCartney: Vomiting!

Undead Nurse Minion One: Being vomit-propulsed into the wall. Half-smashed; -1 penalty to all actions.

Help out Bowie!



“Oh God no!” cries Davy Crockett as he sees Stevo fly across the room. “Stevooooooo-oh God no!” he adds as he sees vomit and a skeleton join Stevo in wondrous flight. “Come on men, we must protect the Timelord!” he shouts to his companions. “We need to get those drugs into him! Ooh, what does this button do?” he wonders, eying a big red button with “Timelord Emergency Protection Activation” engraved upon it.

...Just then he notices a trickle of stomach ejection flowing steadily towards him and his friend Boone and jumps backwards in surprised disgust, but he slips on the very same sick as he does so, collapsing forwards and smashing the big red button with his face!

He gets to his feet to see a large hole opening in the side of the antechamber’s walls. Doors whizz open left and right to reveal a long wide tube that slowly pokes out into the room several metres above the floor and a high pitched yet still manly “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” can be heard approaching.

Just as the tube reaches the middle of the room, where Theoderm Roosevelt so recently stood, a heavily bronzed man in a great deal of leather and carrying a hefty shield falls out of it and lands on his feet.

He turns towards Davy Crockett, standing next to the emergency button.

“You rang, milord?”

Suddenly he notices the sturdy frame of the evil President dominating the room amidst a sea of gastro-soup.

“Aha!” shouts King Leonidas, quickly grasping seriousness of the situation. “You want our Timelord?! Come and take him!”


INTRODUCING: THE DEFENDER OF THE WEST: LEONIDAS, KING OF THE SPARTANS!





Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)

VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS

EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
+1 Maths combat bonus for two turns.
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
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Toaster

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #487 on: July 03, 2012, 07:52:39 am »

"King, cover Bowie while we take this man out!  Boone, let's go!"

Charge and stab/bite NecroTR!
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.

Yoink

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #488 on: July 03, 2012, 08:31:21 am »

((Good god... That vomit battle... :-X *Speechlessly wipes puke from screen*
You sir are a true master of writing gut wrenching puke-battle scenes. Whether that is a compliment or not I've no idea. :P))
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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #489 on: July 03, 2012, 08:34:28 am »

And I had nothing to do with it that time!
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.

Talarion

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #490 on: July 03, 2012, 09:24:26 am »

Wrestle The President, Theoderm Rooselvelt into submission! VIA FLYING EMU TAKEDOWN TACKLE OF MANLINESS! And possibly attack him with my right ear while I do so.
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10ebbor10

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #491 on: July 03, 2012, 11:22:59 am »

Fire the medical water arm at Nurse 2*, Set up the laser(again), and patch-up Mccartney's leg**.

*Healing kills the undead right
** With a +2 bonus, there's no way that can go wrong, right
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monk12

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #492 on: July 03, 2012, 12:08:35 pm »

Bowienauts! Prepare for glory! And retch-juice! Lots of retch-juice...

freeformschooler

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #493 on: July 04, 2012, 12:19:02 pm »

"Sure, Teddy, you can raise the dead. And unbridled hatred's fine and all. But can you withstand..."

Paul points his guitar at Theoderm Roosevelt!

"...The power of love?"

He strums a gentle chord!

"Here comes the sun, boys!"
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monk12

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Short Interlude. Part Two.
« Reply #494 on: July 04, 2012, 09:09:10 pm »

The power of love? It's a curious thing- makes one man weep, make another man sing.
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