TURN NINETEEN
Hitch a ride, Set up a field hospital and Set up Solar laser. Boost Board with laser.
”Come on. We need to get out of here fast. You lads focus on him, I'll tackle the important problems. You know, like, the blood and everything and the approaching sharks.”...Archimedes jumps up as
Paul McCartney swoops by on his flying Clayboard, clattering straight into the sharp point and narrowly avoiding severing his legs!
“Shit! The approaching sharks! How on earth didn’t I notice them before? I wonder if I'll remember them in several paragraphs time?” he wonders as he wobbles to his feet and the severed bottom half of his robes wafts gently to his ankles. He doesn’t seem to notice; busily balancing his solar laser array on the hilt of the Clayboard, he’s just spotted
Nikola Tesla swimming by wearing some kind of fancy hat! Blood seems to be spurting from his eye!
Status Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse:
Half-naked!Detach the Coil from the Bear and wear it myself, so that I can fire backwards while we swim away.
Paddling through the River Volga with his Tesla coil duct taped to his head,
Nikola spies
Archimedes of Syracuse and
Paul McCartney circling the battlefield on a giant flying sword distributing bandages and plasters.
...He waves to signal them over and treads water as well as he can whilst Archimedes stuffs cotton wool into his eye socket and fashions an eye patch out of a length of bandage.
Tesla can’t help noticing Archimedes is naked from the waist down. It helps take his mind off the pain.
GET HEALED! Oh, and GET AWAY!
Unfortunately for
Steve Irwin his blood can’t wait for
Archimedes to finish with his new companion! He’s bleeding severely! He’s bleeding heavily! He’s bleeding from the eyes! He staggers blindly about in the water, somehow managing neither to drown nor to get any closer to the furious ball of Scotch rage dancing about on the yellow submarine.
...Suddenly he feels a friendly hand on his shoulder.
Use various scattered body parts to patch up anyone who needs it!
“I say, mister, you sure look like you’re bleeding heavily there!” says
Davy Crockett to his Australian friend.
“Here, let me drag you to safety!”Crockett grabs hold of
Steve Irwin’s arm and violently tugs him towards the bank.
...Stevo's broken arm comes clean off!
“Eh! Crikey mate, careful with me arm there fella! What the hell you doing?!”“Er, nothing, Irwin, don’t worry about it. Your arm’s fine. Totally where it’s meant to be. Probably just shock or something, making it feel weird. Say, your eyes look hurt pretty bad, son. Can you see at all?”“No, mate. Can’t see a bleeding thing. In fact the pain’s so terrible I’m completely delirious! Crikey!”“Hmm… interesting… Oh! Hey! Damn it! Get away! Get lost, you fiend! Oh, God, sorry Stevo… a passing shark just ate your arm! I tried but I just couldn’t fend it off! Oh, wait, no! Actually I think it was more like an eagle. Or something. An eagle shark. Yeah.”Enhancement Acquired! Doublearmface!In an attempt to get rid of the blue meanies Paul McCartney sings.
Archimedes and
Paul McCartney swoop by on the flying sword, floating over the water and healing first
Tesla’s torn up eye and then
Steve Irwin’s crotchified face as best as Archimedes’ ancient grasp of medicine allows him to. They fly over
the bleeding Russian, throwing a roll of bandages and some antiseptic wipes down before circling round again. Suddenly they come face to face with a horde of blue meanies!
Paul draws his guitar like an old-time guitar-slinger from the west!
Because you're blue and mean things I'm creeped out by you,
Because you're blue and mean it's true,
I want you gone more than ever I do.
I want you gone this moment things, I'm creeped out by you
At the moment I'm starting to feel like I'm blue,
I'm living ev'ry moment in fear of you.
I've been creeped out from the moment I saw you,
You looked at me that's all you had to do,
I feel it now I hope you feel it too.
Because you're blue and mean things I'm creeped out by you,
Because you're blue and mean it's true,
I I want you gone more than ever I do.
I'm really creeped out by you....The blue meanies turn and flee, running across the water at such tremendous speed that they form a vast wave that shoots into the air, blasting McCartney and the unfortunate Archimedes off the Clayboard and into the river!
Heal with the medkit for the love of god!
...Rasputin is busily covering himself from head to toe in bandages as well as he can given the circumstances when suddenly he sees
Archimedes and
Paul McCartney crash out of the sky and tumble into the icy waters of the Volga!
Oh well, he thinks.
At least I’m not bleeding to death! He starts swimming towards the western bank of the river.
Suddenly
Rasputin’s joyous daydream is shattered by the heinous roar of terrible heartbreak and villainy!
Sean Connery climbs out of the side of the yellow submarine, climbing over its hull like some kind of Scottish Tarzan and throwing himself onto the top of the conning tower. An echoing boom bursts across the riverscape as he pounds on his chest to express his pain!
“Come back, yer bashtards!” shouts Connery.
“I’ll bloody have the lot of you! Come on, yer little scrotes! Oh blasht. Water. Foiled again. You stay right there, you southern bashtards! I’m not getting my shuit wet for the likes of you! Hang on a second please, I’ll be back shortly. Forgot me gadgets.”Sean Connery disappears into the submarine whilst the bowienauts stay transfixed, staring at the space he just politely vacated. Suddenly they realise: it’s their chance to escape! As one they begin paddling towards the west; bear, guitar and Clayboard in tow.
But then Connery reappears! He points his wrist at the far bank of the river, and a portable footbridge shoots out of his wristwatch! He immediately unsheathes a golf club from behind his back and begins running down the bridge towards the fleeing time assassins, swinging it about his head as he goes. Twenty paces from the submarine he stops, kneels, swirls the golf club one last time and launches it towards the nearest bowienaut.
...Rasputin’s guts are severed as the deadly sports good shoots through the air!
“Oh God,” thinks Rasputin as he comes to a flailing drowning bleeding halt in the water.
“I just fixed those up! I refuse to die at the hands of a Scottish Stalin-lover! I refuse!” he shouts.
“Refuse! I am Rasputin the Invincible Black Monk! I cannot be slain by a mere toy!”...Just then there is a bubbling in the water. Suddenly a Russian noble surfaces, attempting to stab the floundering Rasputin in the back!
...But he only manages to stab his severed guts!
Rasputin turns round to face his latest assailant, shooting him a murderous glance and an even more murderous beard. The mighty beard of power leaps out, strangling the Russian noble right in the face! He drops down dead, limp and floating in the water.
Wound Acquired: Rasputin:
Severed Guts!Running past the all but incapacitated floating Russian, Connery continues on down his bridge of vengeful pursuit towards the remaining five bowienauts, drawing another golf club from his back-mounted quiver as he goes.
“Come on, you bashtards!” he bellows, catching up with Nikola Tesla, seemingly impeded by the mighty instrument he’s carrying on his head.
“You can’t eshcape now!”He reaches down into the water,
...pulling
Tesla up from the surface to head height with one hand.
...He takes a bite!
“Och aye the noo! It’s a braw brich moonlich nich tonich!” shouts Nikola Tesla, suddenly wielding a fearsome claymore in his right hand.
“Ooh! Sean! You’re so dreamy!”“Oh no! Blimey mates!” realises
McCartney.
“Tesla’s been Scotulified! Let’s scarper lads!”“Crikey!”“Tarnation!” adds
Crockett, because that’s what I’ve been led to believe all vaguely southern Americans say.
“And dang! Keep swimming boys!”“No!” reckons
Archimedes.
“It’ll be quicker on the bridge! Come on, climb up and we can run faster than any man can swim! We’ll have to leave the Scot behind! I’m sorry Tesla!” he shouts behind him.
“One bite is all it takes! There’s nothing we can do for you!”“Nooooooooooooooooo!” wails the scientist,
“Don’t leave me! Finish me off! Make it humane! Make it quick!”Archimedes halts on the bridge. He draws his submachine gun and looks down at the stricken Tesla. He’s almost entirely turned.
Status Acquired: Nikola Tesla:
Scotulified!Suddenly there’s a fuzz of static in the air; a strange sound rings out and a column of particles appears above Soviet Russia beaming down towards the surface.
A bowienaut appears from the haze, balancing lightly on the bondo-bridge.
“Connery! You know that Scotulification has been outlawed for all time voyagers! I’ve told you once! I’ve told you many times!”“Shtep ashide, Mother Teresa. These shcum killed the love of my live, and I have shworn vengeance upon them! They deserve to die! They shall die!”Sean Connery steps forward. The aging nun raises his right hand before her, grasping a white hand bag that seems to repel the muscular Scot.
“No. Enough, darling Sean. I will always respect you as a friend and a foe, but I cannot let you kill these brave men. They have only fought for freedom. Surely you can understand that?”“No! Love is more important than freedom! They will die! Step aside, I said!”Connery takes a few more menacing steps forward.
“No. You cannot pass. I am a servant of the Magnificent Timelord, wielder of the Bag of Hope. You cannot pass. Your dark lust will not avail you, flower of Scotland. Go back to your homeland! You cannot pass!”Suddenly Connery’s face changes; a dark cloud of rage passes over. He leaps forth! He runs towards Mother Teresa!
She stands her ground.
“You cannot pass!”She stretches to her full five feet, and then suddenly, with an incredible shaking crashing boom, she smashes the Bag of Hope down upon the bridge! As Connery closes to within striking distance, the bridge shatters into a thousand pieces and throws the Scot into the turbulent waters below. His finely tailored suit will be ruined!
But alas!
As he sinks below the surface, from somewhere in his battered heart he finds the energy to carry on the fight. He realises he is fighting for vengeance! For love! He pushes himself to the surface. He wills his manly chest hair towards Mother Teresa. His chest hair entangles her, and starts dragging her to a watery grave!
She smacks him around the head with the Bag of Hope.
He strikes back, punching her in the knees.
She begins to sink under. Aghast, some amongst the bowienauts step forward to intervene, but as if possessed by supernatural force Mother Teresa fights her way back up! She parries an elbow and dodges a bite before headbutting Connery in the face to gain herself enough time to turn her shoulder and cry out the only words she will speak to the bowienauts in this world.
“Fly, you fools!”
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTNone.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Three Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to hearing. -1 to left arm.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:6/75] |
Right Ear Ripped Off! |
Severed Left ArmSkills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Three Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. -1 to left leg use. +1 to impressing the ladies.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard.
Wounds: [HP:42/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Three King of the Wild Frontier
Status: -1 to dodge.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Doublearmface!,
Nazi Gun Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos.
Wounds: [HP:35/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm |
Fractured Ribs!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Three Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm. 1/d6 chance of hacking own leg per turn.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:45/75] |
Bent Left Arm! |
Molested Leg! |
Bleeding Left Arm |
Bleeding FaceSkills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Absent Minded! Player: FuzzyZergling
Name: Nikola Tesla, Visionary Scientist
Status: -1 to dodge. -1 to ranged attacks.
Scotulified!Inventory: Tesla Coil – currently polar bear-mounted,
Science WipesTM.
Wounds: [HP:24/75] |
Fractured Ribs! |
Severed Right Eye!Skills: Strength of the Mad Scientist,
Master of Electricity,
The Electric Strangler,
Mysophobe Player: Empfan
Name: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, Mystic, Black Monk, and Beard Expert
Status: -1 to right arm. -1 to guts.
TWO TURNS FROM DEATHInventory: Philosopher’s StoneWounds: [HP: 8/100] |
Severed Right Arm! |
Severed Guts!Skills: Seductive Hypnotist,
Beard of Power,
Lots of Blood! Noble Haters Gonna Hate! Name: 60s SEAN CONNERY
Status: Enraged.
Inventory: Fists.
Wounds: [HP:250/250] |
Broken Heart.
Skills: SCOTULATOR,
FIST OF BOND,
HAIRY CHEST,
LAY-DEESH,
Hahaha, Mr Bond!,
True Gent Sorry Chink, I have a weakness for song-based suggestions. Ooh, also, sorry Toaster – Mother Teresa was going to reveal the workings of the White Speedo of Lumithos, but then she didn't. Never mind though, no one died. Also, apologies for any errors. Please let me know.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249648 times)