TURN SEVENTEEN
Heal myself! Stop the bleeding!
"HEAL ME FROM THIS HORROR!" cries the desperate
Davy Crockett as he swims to the bridge.
”Archi! I’m bleeding terribly! Chuck me a plaster will you?”As he clambers over the edge of the floating section of concrete,
Archimedes stares blankly at him for several seconds before reaching down into his robes. He pulls out a thick roll of bandage and throws it across to the dripping Davy.
...But Davy Crockett’s mind has been blasted by the
speedogroin of Stalin! He forgets why he called for the bandage and immediately fashions a crude white Speedo, wrapping it round his groin before rising to his feet and bellowing a mighty warcry.
Item Acquired: Davy Crockett:
The White Speedo of Lumithos”STALIN!” he wails,
”You’ll pay for this, you arch-fiend! You’ll pay!”Davy Crockett grabs his heavily bleeding arm and gnaws it off with his teeth! He rushes forwards to meet the speedoed dictator in manly single combat, swinging his severed limb between his teeth and
...smacking SPEEDOSTALIN directly in the ear with the bleeding end! SPEEDOSTALIN staggers backwards, letting
Boone snap at his hairy chest
...and narrowly escape entrapment in the curly darkness.
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Severed Right Arm!Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN:
Heavily Bleeding Ear!Archimedes wordlessly sat down and started to heal his leg. The recent troubles had been too much for him. First, he had to bear the sight of SpeedoStalin, then there was the Brain attack,...
He prayed to his ancestors, the ancient philosophers, for aid. They answered him: The world is made up from undefined matter, all tiny and equal particles, arranged into order by a godly spirit whereupon they become defined.
Fix leg (Let crocket use the medkit too), have mental breakdown, Go Socratic on Stalin. If that doesn't work, then throw the robofist at him.
Behind
Crockett’s desperate assault
…Archimedes stares brokenly into the distance. Something is wrong. Okay, well, several things seem wrong, but something in particular is gna- OH BY THE GODS I CAN'T MOVE! Archimedes' legs are paralysed! He looks down, fearing the worst, but OH GODS THE SPEEDOS it's worse than the worst! His legs are clamped tight with sweaty molten used communist Speedo!
...His hands scramble blindly in the depths of his medkit. He pulls out a bottle of alcoholic hand gel! He squirts it furiously down his legs, rubbing and rubbing until all trace of moisture is gone and the bright red of the Speedo begins to fade. His legs are freed!
Archimedes glances at his magical healing hands in wonder. They appear to be turning communist!
...His mind goes blank. Visions of the ancients float by and the rest of the world turns electric blue behind their severed floating heads.
A pool of darkness circles out around the crouching sage.
”Blast…” he mutters to himself.
”Who put all these things in my head? Have I ever been born?”Paul McCartney LOCKS ON to SPEEDOSTALIN'S GROIN and reveals his HORRIBLE SPEEDOGUTS in an attempt to drain the horror from the dictator's all powerful SPEEDO-CLAD GROIN.
"Boys, what's going on? Speedostalin's a lecherous dictator, sure, but not terrible enough to cause me to act out like-"
"Bloody hell, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time!” realises
Paul McCartney.
”Now that I think about it... I may have discovered his weakness! Come on, Stalin!" he cries with renewed force and vigour,
”Taste my guts!”Paul McCartney begins fiddling frantically with his clothes! Awoken from his maddened slumber by the musician's warcry, the nearby
Archimedes, ever the mathematician, suddenly realises in a flash what McCartney intends to do! He leaps to his feet, throwing himself through the air in a desperate attempt to halt the Beatle in his tracks.
”Noooooooooooooooooooooo!” he wails whilst time slows,
”Speedo... times Speedo... equals...”Archimedes flies straight past McCartney, splashing head first into the water below the hovering Clayboard. He turns as soon as his head surfaces, and his face turns white with fear.
...A burning red beam of pure SPEEDOPOWER is shooting straight from Paul McCartney towards SPEEDOSTALIN’S groin! With his guts still thrust forwards at the dictator, McCartney raises his hands to his screaming face as he wrestles internally with the dreadful power filling his tormented mind. His head is filled with visions of hair-ringed tight red Speedos and military parades! He falls to his knees, his out-thrust gut magnetically pulling itself towards the imposing avatar of evil before him who stares down, hands upon his hips.
”Ahahahaha!” booms Stalin,
”Foolish Beatle! Don’t you know? Speedo…” he continues, with a disturbing leer playing across his lascivious lips,
”Times Speedo… equals…”Suddenly, with the umbilical SPEEDO-CORD between them, SPEEDOSTALIN thrusts his crotch towards the sky. The burning red beam follows, and Paul McCartney is thrown into the air! As he reaches the end of the beam Stalin abruptly brings his crotch back before pelvic-thrusting once more to the heavens. McCartney is violently separated from the crotch-beam; there is a loud thunderclap, a bright red burst of atomic energy: the crotch-beam shoots back towards the ground and Stalin’s groin! As the cruel line of energy seeps into SPEEDOSTALIN’S Speedos his eyes begin to glow with a fierce dark redness. He throws his shattered shoulders apart, opening his arms to the night sky and jerking his head back.
”Eheheheh! Eheheheheheh! Speedo… times Speedo… equals…” he cries out, growing taller as he does so,
”Equals…””Oh gods, no…” interrupts
Archimedes with a shattered whimper.
”SPEEDO SQUARED!” finishes the arch-communist.
“Ahahahahahaha!”Power Up Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN:
SPEEDOSQUARED!SPEEDOSTALIN, noticing his power gain from the SPEEDOWIPE, SPEEDS over to Tesla, striking him in the face with a mighty pelvic thrust and stealing the SPEEDOWIPE. SPEEDOSTALIN then SPEEDily rubs himself with the wipe.
SPEEDOSTALIN licks his dirty-minded lips as
McCartney lands broken on the floor.
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney:
Bruised Chest!He eyes
Tesla bleeding on the floor in a haze of electricity a few feet away.
Stalin’s left eye briefly winks.
Electrify myself to stop the bleeding and shield me from Stalin's SPEEDO!
"Oh… God… preserve me…” mutters
Nikola Tesla.
”The blood! It’s mine! Must… electrify…”The scientist struggles out a parched whistle and his electric polar bear brings over his Tesla Coil. Tesla flips the overload emergency discharge switch. White lightning shoots forth, smashing Tesla in the chest, dancing over his body, illuminating his shaken limbs and mangafying his well-groomed hair and smashing him back to the ground.
...He feels… he looks down; untamed current still playing across the surface of his rapidly healing torso.
He feels better.
Suddenly he glances up. His eyes meet Stalin’s. Stalin winks at him. Tesla shudders as a chill runs down the nape of his neck.
...With incredible speed SPEEDOSTALIN appears before Nikola Tesla,
... blasting him in the face with a mighty pelvic thrust and knocking him prone to the floor! Tesla’s grievously traumatised right eye leaps out of its socket and sprouts dozens of tiny legs, fleeing across the floating bridge segment before diving into the water of the River Volga! Blood spumes forth after the missing eyeball as Tesla crawls in pursuit. He reaches the edge of the bridge and looks down.
He sees his eyeball floating, staring back at him accusingly.
There’s a flash of movement in the water.
Tesla’s eye is gone.
Suddenly Nikola Tesla feels someone rifling through his pockets! He instinctively curls into a ball. It could be anyone! They could be filthy! They could be writhing in foul bacteria!
Wound Acquired: Nikola Tesla:
Heavy Eye Bleeding!Time to MAN UP! Stevo thinks as he crouches low. He is the manliest of all men, especially AUSSIE men! Time to out-man this... Speedostalin! MANLY WRESTLING! With sight gone from his eyes, Stevo leaps in the general direction of the smell of communism, and began wrestling whatever he found first!!
Nikola Tesla, like his new Australian companion, might consider himself lucky.
For alas! The remaining historical heroes who retain the ability to see witness the most distressing of spectacles! SPEEDOSTALIN triumphantly takes his hands out of
Tesla’s pocket and holds aloft… the SPEEDOWIPE! He rubs his body all over in the repulsive fabric and further SPEEDO energy begins to pulse from his foul magnificence!
Power Up Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN:
SPEEDOWIPE!A wave of power ripples over the crouching and blinded
Steve Irwin.
Time to MAN UP, Stevo! he thinks to himself.
You’re the manliest of all men, mate! Especially all AUSSIE men! Crikey mate, this… this… mere SPEEDOSTALIN can’t hold a candle to your super manliness! Taking a deep sniff of the putrid air around him, Stevo trembles with raw Aussie power as he readies himself to pounce.
Time to out man this puny fiend! With… MANLY WRESTLING! That doesn’t sound at all… nah, he thinks, erasing the thought from his mind.
”EAT MY WRESTLE, MATE!” cries Steve Irwin as he bounds through the air like an odour-guided homing missile.
”CRIKEY!!”He lands smack on his target and wraps his arms round Stalin’s back in a deathgrip, squeezing and struggling and trying to beat Stalin to the ground.
...The moist darkness of SPEEDOSTALIN’S hairy man-cleavage closes in on Stevo’s cheeks.
His eye-blood dribbles down his face.
He feels the warm throb of Stalin’s SPEEDOCROTCH press inescapably against the inside of his thigh.
He is trapped.
SpeedoStalin's laugh grew only mightier, as a Bowienaut prostrated himself before the might of the dictator. He put one of his mighty communist fists into the air, then slammed it down. The power of the Speedo and the glorious USSR combined, and put out a mighty burst of fluorescent red energy.
Suddenly
Steve Irwin hears the raspingly seductive voice of
SPEEDOSTALIN cut open the Speedograd night.
”Eheheheh! Power of SPEEDO! Power of Glorious USSR!” he incants, raising his right fist in the air. A ball of red power coalesces around his hand.
”UNITE!” shouts the Soviet dictator. He slams his fist down!
...SPEEDOSTALIN violently jars his fractured arm!
SPEEDOSTALIN squeals in anti-capitalist pain!
His power unification ritual is disrupted, and the ball of power around his hand bursts into a large ball before sucking itself back into Stalin’s hand, coursing through his body and shooting out through his Speedo-covered groin!
...Steve Irwin’s thigh is immediately severed, flying off several feet before tumbling forlornly across the surface of the bridge.
The over-powered SPEEDOSTALIN starts uncontrollably pelvic-thrusting, his enraged groin dragging him in ever-accelerating circles round the centre of the bridge!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin:
Severed Left Thigh!Power Penalty Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN:
Disrupted Ritual!Use the massive amount of blood around the area to create a WMD, if the Heroes do not help me stop my own bleeding...
SPEEDOSTALIN wildly smashes the kneeling
Rasputin to the ground, whose face hits the floor and comes to rest in a pool of thickening blood.
”What?!” cries the Russian priest.
”Is this my blood? I feel weak… but… but… I am INVINCIBLE! My blood… OUR blood! It joins the fight against the tyranny of Communism!”Still kneeling, Rasputin discretely reaches inside his clothing.
Without the circling SPEEDOSTALIN noticing, the pools of blood covering the ground begin to thicken and to shrink and to join, moving slowly but surely towards each other until the floor beneath Rasputin is black with clots.
Rasputin gets to his knees, one hand still inside his shirt and the other pointing towards his foe.
”Hohoho!” he announces,
”Your time is up, traitor of the motherland! The blood you have shed come back to haunt you!”He makes a curious gesture with his fingers.
...Everything turns red.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin:
Broken Left Arm!Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Fractured Ribs!Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse:
Bleeding Face!Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN:
Bruised Face!Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN:
Fractured Cheek!Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN:
Severed Left Arm!Item Lost: SPEEDOSTALIN:
Speedogun!
Shortly after…
SPEEDOSTALIN awakes. It’s the strangest thing. He could swear he has a… He opens his eyes and looks downwards. He
does have an
Aussie National Hero caught in his chest hair! He goes to brush him off. His arm appears to be missing. He leaves Steve Irwin attached. A voice from nearby berates him. He swivels his eyes to identify the source. Feet spread wide apart,
Archimedes of Syracuse stands towering above him.
”Stalin, Do you urge for all people in this world to be equal and to be regarded as equals?””I… don’t know… I… I suppose so?””Is it not true that you look upon your people like father to his children, and that they look upon to you as to a Godly and motivating spirit?””I… I am a father to my people! I am a Godly motivating spirit!””Stalin," continues Archimedes,
"If the ancient Greek philosophers said that in the beginning all was equal, and that then a Godly spirit made them into the disorder they are today, then what does that mean? Doesn't it mean that your quest is futile, as your every action further increases inequality on the most basic level? Give up, Stalin, you are uniting your people into chaos, not into order and equality! Give up! Do you not see the futility of communism? Repent!””Repent!? Never!” ...cries the battered Speedo-dictator.
”I shall NEVER give up the fight of Marx and Lenin before me! I shall never renounce the dream of a Soviet world! I shall never- ARRRRRRRRGHH!” SPEEDOSTALIN turns purple with rage.
”Get off me you bumbling fool!” he shouts at Stevo.
”Get off me and begone with your bourgeois niceties! You, Greek! Take this!”SPEEDOSTALIN rips Steve Irwin out of his chest hair with his right arm and flings him at Archimedes!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse:
Bleeding Left Arm!Suffused with the spirits of the ancients, Archimedes lets the POWER OF SCIENCE take over! The TRUTH OF THE PHILOSOPHERS fills his arm! He reaches down to the nearby robotic arm and grasps the bulky metal limb, raising it above him and hurling it at his unreasonable foe.
...Archimedes misses entirely!
The robotic arm slams heavily against the segment of bridge, tilting one end below the water.
It beings to sink!
SPEEDOSTALIN howls with rage as the bowienauts begin to flounder in the cold waters of the River Volga, and, as the water laps about his thighs, he turns.
Suddenly there is a rush of air and a flurry of bubbles breaks to the surface.
SPEEDOSTALIN struggles through the water towards the hundred yard long submarine that appears, hauling himself up the yellow-painted sidewalls and desperately unscrewing the hatch at the top of the conning tower. He turns to face the bowienauts and shakes his remaining fist.
”I will be back, time-fiends! I will rub myself all over, and I will grow a further limb! I will come back doubled in power! I shall melt you down and wear you on my groin! You shall know how it feels to be dead!”He disappears into the submarine’s hull.
The submarine's engines start.
It moves slowly south.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTNone.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Three Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to hearing. +1 to blindness. -1 to movement. -1 to left arm.
TWO TURNS FROM DEATHInventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:17/75] |
Right Ear Ripped Off! |
Severely Bleeding Eyes! |
Severed Left Thigh |
Broken Left ArmSkills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Three Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. -1 to left leg use. +1 to impressing the ladies. -2 to dodging.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard.
Wounds: [HP:43/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severed Left Leg! |
Bruised Shin! |
Bleeding Chest! |
Bruised ChestSkills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Three King of the Wild Frontier
Status: -1 to dodge.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Armface,
Nazi Gun Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos.
Wounds: [HP:27/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm |
Fractured Ribs!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Three Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm. 1/d6 chance of hacking own leg per turn.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:65/75] |
Bent Left Arm! |
Molested Leg! |
Bleeding Left Arm |
Bleeding FaceSkills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Absent Minded! Player: FuzzyZergling
Name: Nikola Tesla, Visionary Scientist
Status: -1 to dodge. -1 to ranged attacks.
Inventory: Tesla Coil – currently polar bear-mounted,
Science WipesTM.
Wounds: [HP:25/75] |
Fractured Ribs! |
Heavy Eye BleedingSkills: Strength of the Mad Scientist,
Master of Electricity,
The Electric Strangler,
Mysophobe Player: Empfan
Name: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, Mystic, Black Monk, and Beard Expert
Status: -1 to right arm.
Inventory: Philosopher’s StoneWounds: [HP:38/100] |
Heavy Head Bleeding! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Heavily Bleeding Guts! |
Lightly Bleeding Head!Skills: Seductive Hypnotist,
Beard of Power,
Lots of Blood! Noble Haters Gonna Hate! Name: Joseph SPEEDOSTALIN Stalin
Status: -1 to melee. Demoustached. -1 to ranged attacks.
Inventory: Communism
Wounds: [HP:95/100] |
Fractured Arms! |
Severed Moustache! |
Broken Nose! |
Heavily Bleeding Ear |
Bruised Face |
Fractured Cheek |
Severed Left ArmSkills: SPEEDOPROTECTION,
SPEEDOGROIN,
HAIRY CHEST,
SPEEDOHGODNOGODNOGODNOPLEASE!,
SPEEDOSQUARED,
Paranoid Purger! Look, SPEEDOSTALIN’S not invincible, but you really have to stop rolling ones. Anyway, notes:
Davy: Consider the Nazi turret shoulder mounted.
Archimedes: I realised I missed your absentmindedness penalty for rolling a 3 last turn, I think. If I’d remembered, I think it would have been fatal to someone.
Stevo: Next turn you will be reduced to 0 HP if you are not healed. The next turn you will die if you are not healed.
Also, I'm considering doing my first suggestion game to add back story to the world of the Timelord...
You are SPEEDOSTALIN'S chest hair or
You are Speedo. The more obvious one would be
You are The Magnificent Timelord I guess. Or a spin-off,
You are Boone?
((Lawas: I'm going to be heading on a graduation trip to NYC soon so could you auto me for the turn after the next? Thanks))
Sure – have a good trip. Suggestions for Paul McCartney (for next turn I believe) anyone? Keep them sensible please.
Finally, I don’t like the red and black colour scheme this turn unwittingly took (I used red for Stalin to break up the vast mountain of text). Any ideas? Perhaps I should return to doing more pictures, but it takes a lot of time already. Perhaps I should control myself when I write and not make it so long and text-filled…
Re: medkit +1 bonus - There is a -1 "untrained medic" penalty to healing (-2, originally, but... you know...) and sometimes I just forget to type the "d6+1-1" bit.
Oh, quick explanation regarding Stalin's HP:
[21:08] <freeformschooler> also how does speedostalin still have 95 hp with all these wounds?
[21:09] <lawastooshort> Oh, he got around 50HP in bonuses from something this turn (Speedowipe and Speedo
2) and last (Speedowipe)
[21:09] <freeformschooler> oh i should read the rest of the turn first
[21:09] <lawastooshort> Until I remembered his severed arm bleeding, he'd finished the turn with 105!
[21:09] <freeformschooler> wow
[21:10] <freeformschooler> although he gained no hp this turn, i think, since the speedowipe was annulled
[21:11] <lawastooshort> That's true, but he got +25 for SPEEDOSQUARED too, I just write it in because I thought "oh dear" was descriptive enough
Edit: added dialogue colours.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 247256 times)