TURN FIFTEEN
Cut the bridge loose, turn it into a boat.
Archimedes is thinking. ROBOSTALIN is getting away, and the bowienauts’ position is coming under increasingly heavy fire from the communist forces. But no! An idea! Even better: a eureka!
“The carrying capacity,” he realises to himself,
“Of an object submerged in water is equal to the difference in density of both the water and... oh gods, yes! Yes! Oh yes!” he cries to his nearby companions.
“Guys! I have an idea! Crockett, take the east side, and try to cut the bridge loose! Blow the bridge dudes, it’s our only chance to catch ROBOSTALIN!”Archimedes aims his mirror array and begins cutting the bridge between him and the Nazis with its awesome power. Flames soon begin to appear around the target of the concentrated moonlight.
He glances round to check
Crockett is following his lead.
The American seems preoccupied. Archimedes shouts out again.
Crockett tried to recall the words of The Internationale, which was fairly difficult since he had never actually heard of it. He heard Archimedes shouting something beside him.
Fire a HE shell at the other side of the bridge to cut it loose!
“Stand up, damned of the Earth!”Davy Crockett is confused. It feels like… it feels like someone is humming something directly into his mind, but he can’t quite make out the tune. It feels like… it feels like someone is etching words directly onto the surface of his brain!
“Stand up, oh prisoners of hunger!”He vaguely hears his comrade shouting.
“Reason thunders from its crater!”“Reason… reason… reas-argh! It’s Archimedes! Of course! Must… resist… must… What's that, Archimedes? Cut the bridge? It's a symbol of the oppression of the masses? Okay!"“This is the eruption of the end!”“I must destroy the bridge for the workers of the world! It IS a symbol of the oppression of the masses!”Swivelling on his human foot to face the opposite direction to
Archimedes, busily firing his moonlaser, Davy loads a high explosive round into his arm mounted tank turret.
“Let’s make a clean slate of the past!”Loading finished, he aims at the communist end of the bridge.
“Enslaved masses of the world unite!”Davy Crockett fires his arm mounted tank turret at the bridge of oppression!
...A huge chunk is torn from the surface, and a great groaning of concrete and steel begins. The bowienauts on the bridge struggle to keep their balance as the roadway starts lurching into the murky waters below!
“This bridge is about to change its founda-a-a-ation!!”Suddenly the golden voice of an anti-capitalist freedom fighting angel with an acoustic guitar splits the communist heavens apart, and a burst of golden and silver light floods the sky!
"My heart is like an open highway,
Like Bowie says, you fight your own way
I just wanna live to see the light
'Cause it's my life"Crockett wonders, all of a sudden, if maybe his fellow workers had it coming to them. Perhaps a struggle for freedom will only inevitably result in further oppression? Perhaps the modern world has no place for such airy romanticism? Perhaps the modern world has no place for such violent subjugation? Perhaps… perhaps OH GOD YES! The Beatles have saved Davy Crockett from communism!
Paul McCartney, watching RoboSTALIN fall off the bridge and into the water, saw a great opportunity. Though he didn't have time to compose a tune, he made a mad dash past the communists and Davy Crockett as he sang a catchy tune he could have sworn he heard playing in the Timelord's space infirmary!
...For yea!
Yon minstrel of freedom, Paul McCartney, hast been struck by the angelic muse of anti-communist inspiration! Feeling the ground wobble and sway beneath him, he realises what he must do. He dashes past
Crockett and the approaching communists!
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live to see the light"Whirling his guitar above his head, McCartney leaps off the bridge, aiming at the vast metallic chest of the robotic dictator struggling in the dark red tainted waters below. ROBOSTALIN sees him coming and raises both of his cold steel fists to swat the falling Beatle out of the sky, but his fearsome bellow of challenge is drowned out by McCartney’s semi-holy chant!
“COME ON TH-!”"This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Davy and Irwin, who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake
But I think life's still living, gotta make your own breaks"The Last Beatle swerves acrobatically through the air. Paul McCartney lands on ROBOSTALIN! He sprints along the chipped paintwork of the CHEST OF STEEL, swinging his acoustic like a dervish before leaping into the air and somersaulting up to the evil fiend’s face.
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live to see the light"Still hurling out his words of freedom,
...Paul McCartney brings his second hand up and smashes a fierce two handed blow down on the defenceless ROBOSTALIN’S head, breaking the skull and bruising the brain!
Wound Acquired: ROBOSTALIN:
Broken Skull!Enraged at the pain, ROBOSTALIN grumbles and cranks his gears and rises suddenly to his feet, sending McCartney flying off his face towards the water. Paul McCartney backflips through the air, calling out to his frog allies as he does so.
“Come to me, my frogs! We’ll all stand together!”McCartney slowmotions through the air towards the surface of the icy Volga, slow enough for his frog friends to unite below him. The frogs form a compact mass of green, stabilising together and creating an independently moving floating platform in the river! McCartney executes a perfect landing, and brings his guitar across his body in an imposing defensive stance.
ROBOSTALIN rises to his feet before him, stretching his metal body to its full forty feet.
Suddenly he crouches with surprising dexterity.
ROBOSTALIN: Enough is enough. Strike goofy giant robot poses like that of Japanese live-action movies, craft a frogchuk and exhibit your martial prowess by spinning it around and being generally awesome. Proceed to go Bruce Lee on the enemies.
...ROBOSTALIN snatches the frogs from underneath
McCartney before he can defend himself or his amphibian allies!
Paul McCartney somersaults back into the air, twisting and turning through the night sky as slowly as he can to give him time to think, but even though he twists and turns, he can’t avoid seeing the horror unfold before him! ROBOSTALIN stretches and squeezes, and crushes his beloved frogs into… INTO A FROGCHUK!
ROBOSTALIN strikes a menacing pose whilst activating his spiky hair implant, and swings the frogchuk around his terrifying ELBOWS OF STEEL!
Fifty feet in the air above, McCartney falls through the air seemingly as slow as a feather. There is nowhere below to land. He cries out in desperation as he crashes into the surface of the water.
"I will avenge you, John Lennon!"
BEATLE SPIRIT: ACTIVATE!
Suddenly,
the spirit of John Lennon appears above the Volga, walking on the water’s surface and dual wielding his trademark pair of claymores!
“All right our Paul, haven’t seen you around for a while eh mate! I though I told you to stay away from terrifying totalitarian ROBOTROOPERS? Me and the lads sacrificed ourselves so you could escape and further the message of love, man!”But Paul can’t hear. The icy water rushes about his body and fills his ears. He struggles to stay afloat. He gasps and splutters, and his head sinks below.
“Oh shit,” mutters Lennon.
“Here I am, back in the USSR and I’m gonna have to get me arm wet like. I can't bloody stand river water, it's a well known piece of Beatles trivia.”Stevo dived after it!
Suddenly a piercing cry rings out across the already cacophonic city of Speedograd.
"CRIKEY MAAAATTE! MY BRAAAAAIIINNNN!!!"... Steve Irwin’s brain turns to see the source of the pained cry. He sees
Stevo ...floundering through the water towards him and gets out his surf board! He starts paddling furiously away from the crocodile hunter until he gets going enough to totally ride the green wave, dude! He’s riding on frogs! Whoa, like, ROBOSTALIN is totally lifting the green wave into the air, man, he’s… whoa! Oh shit! Frogchuks ahoy! Taking evasive action, man! Yeah man that’s totally rad, bro, whoa, arg, shit, ouch, whoa, yeah! That’s some serious air! Whooooooo!
Suddenly ROBOSTALIN swings his frogchuk and hits Steve Irwin’s brain dead centre! The brain flies through the night sky, totally getting some serious air, dudes!
Get out a surf board from nowhere hammerspace and ride the green wave dude! Start to speak in stereotypical surfers' lingo, because that's totally rad!
Almost as suddenly,
the Aussie National Hero’s brain smacks against the burning bridge and bumps along to a halt.
It doesn’t move.
Viciously scrub my hands, face, and the bear's face.
As a brain flies through the air towards him
Nikola Tesla starts screaming! Oh God, gum! Hands! Filth! Saliva! That used to be in someone's mouth! OH MY GOD SOMEONE’S MOUTH? It could be anyone’s mouth!
...He pulls out a swathe of SCIENCE WIPES from one of his many scientific pockets and crouches down, cleaning all before him!
He cleans his hands! He cleans his face! He cleans the bear’s hands! He cleans the bear’s face! He cleans his own hands and face again just to make sure!
He eyes
the strange and grubby Russian a few feet away.
Attempt to use my philosopher's stone to crush the ROBOSON of a bitch where he is by increasing the water pressure to deadly levels
“Oh shit!” mutters
Rasputin as he
...appears to frantically rub his chest.
“My bloody philosopher’s stone’s cooldown period isn’t over yet. Blast! I shall crush that ROBOSON of a bitch with the power of my MIND! Ah! Arg! What the hell are you doing, electroboy?!”Suddenly
Nikola Tesla jumps on the Russian, knocking him to the floor and rubbing the corners of his mouth with his SCIENCE WIPES.
“Dirt is sign of communist!” screams the scientist.
“Of evil! Of badness! Of… OH GOD YOU’VE GOT TOAST CRUMBS IN YOUR BEARD!”Tesla leaps off the Black Monk. He starts wiping down his own eyes!
...The bewildered Rasputin kicks him in the groin, and runs off to punch communists in the face! He leaps over a widening crack in the bridge and smashes the nearest onrushing commie!
...He punches his guts out! Rasputin dodges nimbly round the blow of the next soldier,
...sticking out a crafty leg to trip him as he runs and then
...jumping on his skull and crushing his eyes out! Another charges towards Rasputin’s back, but with some kind of sixth sense the Angry Monk
...raises his right elbow, and juts it through the communist’s nose, fracturing the brain and bruising the spine!
Rasputin turns towards the east. The bridge is empty but for two remaining communist soldiers.
...Suddenly they rip off their clothes to reveal the unmistakeable uniform of the Avenging Russian Noble beneath! They draw their rapiers and charge towards Rasputin!
And just then!
Just then there is a burst of light and heat behind
Rasputin and the two nobles stand amazed before him.
He looks over his shoulder to see half the bridge crash to the river below!
...It floats!
The shockwave of the impact sends the troubled water trembling outwards away from the epicentre and the churning waves shoot the spluttering head of
Paul McCartney above the river’s surface! He tries to tread water with one hand on his ever-present guitar, and looks up to see the angry ROBOSTALIN stomp through the water towards him, towering above him even whilst half-submerged.
ROBOSTALIN whirls his deadly frogchuk towards McCartney!
...He smashes him into the water!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney:
Bruised Shin!Paul struggles back to the surface with both arms wrapped desperately around his guitar, and looks up only to see
...ROBOSTALIN’S deadly FISTS OF STEEL pound down towards him once more!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney:
Bleeding Chest!Falling nearly unconscious, almost unable to hold his instrument, Paul McCartney barely comprehends as he hears a familiar Scouse voice above him.
“Leave our Paul alone, you big Stalinist ROBOBASTARD!” yells
John Lennon.
“I died to save him once, I’m not afraid to die again, you cheap ROBOSHIT! Have this, ROBOFIEND!”Shouting his avenging warcry, Lennon hurls his left hand claymore directly at ROBOSTALIN’S eye!
...It pierces through, sending the ROBODICTATOR reeling backwards in pain.
Wound Acquired! ROBOSTALIN:
Pierced Eye!With his other hand Lennon reaches down and grabs hold of his bandmate’s collar, hauling him out of the water and holding him safely in the air as he levitates above it.
He turns to speak.
“Paul… I told you before, man. I don’t know how many times I can come back to save you. I know you’re only doing the right thing, but you got to be careful man. ROBOEVIL is a dangerous thing to fight, and your fate is to spread love and harmony through peaceful means, not through violence. When you’ve helped the Timelord achieve his destiny, promise me you’ll settle down and spread your message of love, harmony, and meat substitutes.”“Meat substitutes?”“Yeah. Don’t ask, man, you don’t know about this yet, but thanks to Bowie I have seen the future, man. It’s pretty sweet, but that’s another story. Will you promise me you’ll settle down? I need you alive to finish recording all our songs, brother.”“John, I promise, man. I promise. I’ll… oh shit, John, no way. I can’t take your last claymore! How will you fight your way back to the spirit world, man?”“Don’t worry about me Paul, just take this. It’s not a claymore, anyway. It’s a clayboard. You can use it to surf to safety across the Volga.”Item Acquired! Paul McCartney:
ClayboardSuddenly John drops his clayboard onto the surface of the river, and gently lowers Paul onto it.
“I’ll see you around, our Paul.”John Lennon raises both arms straight into the air. He begins to levitate higher, and then a ball of golden light begins to form around him, appearing to drag in energy from the surrounding air and water until suddenly Lennon disappears into the golden ball.
The Lennon-ball bursts towards ROBOSTALIN, rocketing at the red dictator as he stomps towards the now hovering McCartney.
John Lennon hits ROBOSTALIN!
John Lennon explodes!
McCartney and
the bowienauts floating on the nearby piece of bridge shield their eyes at the enormous burst of energy,
Archimedes diving to the floor to dodge a huge incoming piece of shrapnel. It’s ROBOSTALIN’S arm! A terrible moan of pain erupts from ROBOSTALIN as flames and smoke spurt from multiple fractures in his ROBOSUIT. The sound of shattering steel screams through the night!
But then!
Suddenly Stalin’s mecha-suit splits from head to groin, each half falling apart into the water on either side, causing vast clouds of steam to rise as the burning metal submerges!
As the last piece of mecha-suit sinks below the icy Volga, a hideous form emerges. There’s a blur of motion as something backflips through the air towards the bowienauts on their floating piece of bridge.
The steam clears. The bowienauts can see.
...Tesla screams in horror and faints to the floor!
INTRODUCING: THE FIENDISH DESTROYER OF INNOCENCE: SPEEDOSTALIN!
Name: Joseph SPEEDOSTALIN Stalin
Status: Being Communist!
Inventory: Speedogun, Communism
Wounds: He hasn't inflicted any on you yet!
Skills: SPEEDOPROTECTION,
SPEEDOGROIN,
HAIRY CHEST,
SPEEDOHGODNOGODNOGODNOPLEASE!,
Paranoid Purger!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTPlayer: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Three Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to hearing. -1 to anything requiring a brain. Immunity to Bruising and Light Bleeding.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:47/75] |
Right Ear Ripped Off! |
Severed Brain!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Three Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. -1 to left leg use. +1 to impressing the ladies. -1 to dodging.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard.
Wounds: [HP:53/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severed Left Leg! |
Bruised Shin! |
Bleeding Chest!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Three King of the Wild Frontier
Status:Inventory: Bowie Knife, Flintlock Rifle,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Armface,
Nazi Gun Turret.
Wounds: [HP:33/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severe Arm Bleeding!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Three Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:72/75] |
Bent Left Arm!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Absent Minded! Player: FuzzyZergling
Name: Nikola Tesla, Visionary Scientist
Status:Inventory: Tesla Coil – currently polar bear-mounted,
Science WipesTM.
Wounds: [HP:40/75] |
Bleeding Chest!Skills: Strength of the Mad Scientist,
Master of Electricity,
The Electric Strangler,
Mysophobe Player: Empfan
Name: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, Mystic, Black Monk, and Beard Expert
Status:Inventory: Philosopher’s Stone,
Some Kind of Stony Armour!Wounds: [HP:80/100] |
Heavy Head Bleeding!Skills: Seductive Hypnotist,
Beard of Power,
Lots of Blood! Noble Haters Gonna Hate! Name: Joseph SPEEDOSTALIN Stalin
Status: Being Communist!
Inventory: Speedogun, Communism
Wounds: [HP:100/100] He hasn't inflicted any on you yet!
Skills: SPEEDOPROTECTION,
SPEEDOGROIN,
HAIRY CHEST,
SPEEDOHGODNOGODNOGODNOPLEASE!,
Paranoid Purger! ((Btw, la, do you give awesomeness bonuses?))
I would have done if it hadn't come up a 6 anyway.
Also, hopefully this is coherent. It's getting a bit unwieldy and I'm not getting enough sleep recently.
edit: too many "towards".
Also still taking suggestions for Steve Irwin’s brain’s actions, although the poor critter might be dead. Who knows?
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249426 times)