TURN FOURTEEN
Paul McCartney raises his guitar once again and…
…once again sings his FROG SONG aka JINGLE FROGS! He commands the frogs to rain down upon ROBOSTALIN.
"I know you lot weren't helpful to me last time,” says
McCartney in his singsong Liverpool accent,
“But I don't hold it against you. In my mind there's no sorrow, in my soul there’s no regret. So come forth, frogs! Distract ROBO STALIN! Distract him with your hearts of green!"Standing in the centre of the bowienauts at the eastern bridge end, Paul McCartney raises his guitar above his head, commanding the sky to rain down frogs upon the shining red robot of doom!
Patch up the arm! Use discarded communist bits if needed.
"Oh... everything seems a little... red? Why don't the workers control the means of production?” Davy Crockett begins to angst.
“What does that even mean?"He glances down at his bleeding arm.
"Well, that explains the red!"...He seems mightily relieved, but something still gnaws at the back of his mind. Something… painful… something… something about the injustice of the plight of the workers! Yes! He makes a mental note to set up a monthly bank transfer to his local frontiersman’s union when he gets back from his current mission and completely forgets about the blood spurting from his hideously wounded forearm.
Idly poking a nearby communist elbow with his non-crockofoot, Crockett muses about the unforgiveable decadence of the intelligentsia before wandering over to join his comrades.
Retrieve my brain, then Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown ROBOSTALIN!
Meanwhile
Steve Irwin is still nostalgically yearning after his long lost brain, left lying about on the littered ground of the drop zone’s rubble-filled town square.
”Oh my brain!” he starts to sing,
”My dearest brain!”I need you to feel mild pain!
Crikey mate! You leapt out my pate!
A brainless life is a sorry fate!
You know I’m not really entirely sure,
Just what bodily functions you were responsible for,
And I’m sorry I left you lying on that Soviet floor,
I would take better care of you if I could see you once more.
Just give me one more chance, oh baby!
But oh my brain! My dearest brain!
Is that you I see before me?
The shock of losing you nearly killed me
Is that you? Can it really be?
My brain is all I need to be happy!
We could be together once again,
My dearest brain, oh my dearest brain!...Suddenly Stevo sees his severed brain before him! Screaming and wailing his loved one’s name, he jumps to his feet and rushes forwards, leaping over the nearest wall in a desperate attempt to rugby tackle the escaping grey matter! He leaps straight over the parapet of the bridge, into the rushing swirling torrent of the icy Volga beneath!
Stretching out dozens of centipede legs, Steve Irwin’s brain starts swimming away towards the eastern river bank.
Set up the solar laser, lay down suppressive fire and use elemental mechanics (100xfire)xAir+ Robostalin).
Ignoring
the fleeing Aussie,
Archimedes gets out and sets up his laser mirrors before turning towards the towering ROBOSTALIN and striking an angry pose.
...He forgets the words!
A slight gust of wind ambles quietly past, and Archimedes feels slightly colder than he did a second ago.
Tesla+Bear: CHARGE ROBOSTALIN while firing mighty bolts of SCIENCE LIGHTNING.
Nikola Tesla bursts forwards from the huddle of incompetence to charge bravely forth on his special bear. The bear gallops across the bridge, nimbly dodging the scattered chunks of rubble as it heads valiantly towards the mighty metallic foe of freedom.
Before ROBOSTALIN can form a square, Tesla stands up in his stirrups, and blasts the fiendish dictator with mighty bolts of SCIENCE LIGHTNING!
...Several vast forks of electric fire shoot up towards ROBOSTALIN’S face, appearing to fracture the cheekbone and set it alight!
Wound Acquired: ROBOSTALIN:
Burning Cheek!Just as the lightning ceases, Tesla and the bear reach the feet of the metal monster, and the faithful bear rears up and smacks its legs with his great paws,
...but the force of his blows rebounding off ROBOSTALIN’S communist ROBOARMOUR knocks Tesla off the bear’s back and sends him sprawling to the floor!
Tesla scrambles to his feet, only to glance down at his hands.
...There’s a small piece of used gum stuck to his right hand!
He starts hyper-ventilating.
ROBOSTALIN: Cry about how much your parents hated you and your father never let your try to be a professional ballerina. Remember to try some ballet moves and smash the nearest non-communist.
With your ROBOFISTS!
+1, Beep Beep Boop
“Damn you, father! Why did you hate me so? Mother never let me wear her dresses and you never let me become a ballerina! My friends all mocked me but you never relented! Oh, how I yearn to perform a dainty spin!”ROBOSTALIN stops crying long enough to attempt a dainty spin,
...but it goes horribly wrong, and he trips up and falls to the floor! The bridge trembles under his considerable weight, and he lands with his head face to face with his arch-nemesis
Rasputin!
Well well well.
Rasputin seizes his chance with the fallen ROBOSTALIN before him. He swings a mighty uppercut towards the robotic Soviet,
...but ROBOSTALIN rolls out the way and avoids the blow!
His FISTS OF STEEL being too far away, ROBOSTALIN decides to headbutt the impudent mystic in the eyes, and raises his HEAD OF STEEL to do so.
But suddenly!
...Nigh on twenty thousand frogs fall from the cloudless sky in an anti-communist miracle! They flood the surface of the bridge, they land on Rasputin’s face, they drop on the fallen ROBOSTALIN and nibble upon his toes! They seem to be searching for a way into the armoured suit!
Rolling back and forth in tickled agony, ROBOSTALIN absent-mindedly crushes the parapet of the bridge along with a thousand frogs and a dozen communists, rolling over and over and crashing into the river below! As his burning cheek is extinguished, he immediately jumps to his feet and roars out a terrifying challenge to the bowienauts above!
Rasputin is infuriated,
...and swats a dozen frogs off his chin whilst stomping their hapless friends that swarm about his feet! His boots become sticky with frogbits and frogblood, and the angry frogs begin to turn on him!
...Two frogs jump up and start pecking him on the nose with their sharp pointy teeth!
Suddenly Rasputin’s magnificent beard of power leaps up! It smashes one frog to the floor before grabbing the second and viciously strangling the amphibian assailant! Rasputin’s beard flings the lifeless frog corpse into the river below.
Several of the unarmed communists on the bridge that survived ROBOSTALIN’S fall unsquashed begin to advance on Tesla and Rasputin; another dozen howl out their communist warcry and charge down the battered bridge towards McCartney, Crockett and Archimedes. As they charge, thousands of McCartney’s froggy friends dive off the bridge after ROBOSTALIN like a green waterfall. ROBOSTALIN starts thrashing about in righteous anger as he tries to fend them off!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTPlayer: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Three Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to hearing. -1 to anything requiring a brain. Immunity to Bruising and Light Bleeding.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:43/75] |
Right Ear Ripped Off! |
Severed Brain!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Three Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. -1 to left leg use. +1 to impressing the ladies.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Wounds: [HP:58/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Three King of the Wild Frontier
Status: Temporarily Communist!Inventory: Bowie Knife, Flintlock Rifle,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Armface,
Nazi Gun Turret.
Wounds: [HP:43/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severe Arm Bleeding!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Three Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:68/75] |
Bent Left Arm!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Absent Minded! Player: FuzzyZergling
Name: Nikola Tesla, Visionary Scientist
Status: DIRTY HANDSInventory: Tesla Coil – currently polar bear-mounted,
Science WipesTM.
Wounds: [HP:45/75] |
Bleeding Chest!Skills: Strength of the Mad Scientist,
Master of Electricity,
The Electric Strangler,
Mysophobe Player: Empfan
Name: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, Mystic, Black Monk, and Beard Expert
Status: Covered in frogs!Inventory: Philosopher’s Stone,
Some Kind of Stony Armour!Wounds: [HP:85/100] |
Heavy Head Bleeding!Skills: Seductive Hypnotist,
Beard of Power,
Lots of Blood! Noble Haters Gonna Hate! Name: Joseph ROBOSTALIN Stalin
Status:Inventory: Roboarmour and guns and stuff
Wounds: [HP:105/150] |
Severe Groin Bleeding!Skills: ROBOROCKETS,
ROBOARMOUR,
ROBOFISTS,
STALIN EYES,
SLOW! I'm not completely certain why Tesla brought his own bear, but damn if I'm not going to take advantage of it.
If anyone can convincingly explain why Tesla brought his own bear they get a free automatically accepted suggestion for ROBOSTALIN! Or for Steve Irwin’s brain!
ALSO TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR STEVE IRWIN’S BRAIN’S ACTIONS.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249425 times)