CHAPTER ONE: TURN EIGHTEEN
Paul McCartney, determined to lead his companions to victory as quickly as possible, attempts to disable Miaow's defense system by strumming pure love!
"Oh... blast, he shot me right in the gut. The gut, man! I'll show him!"Paul McCartney is lying bleeding on the floor, struck down by the ferocious firepower of the
communist Miaow, whose overactive laser glands are shooting wildly about his private lair. The Last Beatle decides to unleash his precious guitar, and quickly brings it up to his chest and into action.
He strums a C!
He strums a G minor!
He strums ChairMan Miaow’s favourite chord!
...ChairMan Miaow is quite moved: but not to tears! He fights back the flood of emotion; he resists the memories of his many wives! His laser eyes waver! They lose focus!
Jump or walk stride over the stingray moat towards Chiarman Miaow. Multiply that.
Fear not,
brave McCartney: the cavalry is arriving! Using the mighty power of his sandals to levitate across the stingray moat,
Archimedes of Syracuse floats across the deadly ditch, ignoring the herd of wilderdiles and waving his hand of mystical mathematics in the air in strange and fearsomely incomprehensible symbols.
...Strange grids and plotlines seem to fill the air and crackle with burning yet invisible electricity as the space of the room is laid out like a graph, clear for all good liberal capitalists to see and be guided by.
”Lads!” shouts Archimedes,
”Get'im lads! Smash his face in! Kick his teeth out! Rip his eyes apart!”OHIO LEAP over to Miaow! Stab him right in the little part of his chair that connects the seats to the central support while Boone eats his face!
”Hmm…” thinks
Crockett, before reaching a conclusion:
”Hyaaaahh!!”"For the ALAMO!" he cries, as he leaps stupendously through the air at
the leader of Catmunist China, half-somersaulting as he goes and whipping out his bowie knife. Inspired by his comrade
Archimedes, he does some quick mid-air mental calculation: the best plan of attack would be to knife Miaow in the chair and simultaneously eat him in the face! Whilst landing on his head! Because he’s only got one non-severed arm! And he’s got to hold the knife somehow!
...Davy Crockett finishes his pirouetting communist-defying death move and slams his razor sharp bowie knife into Miaow’s chair-part, and his own head into the ground!
...The knife thrusts in a screech of grinding metal and a shower of sparking electricity, slicing the chair leg and fracturing the central support! Miaow begins to creak unsteadily from one side to another!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett:
Heavier Head Bruising!Suddenly
Boone appears in Miaow’s face, gnashing and chewing
...but to little effect, merely tearing clumps of communist hair out before spitting it disgustedly upon the floor. It tastes of violent oppression! Miaow bites him back and slashes his claws at the crocko-foot’s poor beady little eyes,
...but Boone dodges backwards as Miaow misses completely, and both Crockett and his foot-chum are sent crashing to the floor several feet away from the evil overlord. His rockets start whirring up ready to fire!
Flying Emu Tackle Chairman Miaow, and hold him in a FULL NELSON! The ultimate form of grappling known to Aussie-kind!
"Crikey! I thought that beauty had me there for a tick... "Witnessing the deadly foot-to-face struggle taking place between his natural ally
Boone and the evil Miaow,
Steve Irwin literally flies into action!
”I’ve gotta do something before those damn missiles hit! I know! FLYING EMU CROCODILE TAKEDOWN!” he shouts as he jumps up and soars gracefully through the air like a flying emu.
”Crikey mate!”...Irwin lands a perfect Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move on the reeling
Miaow, battering him to the floor and smashing the fractured chair support in two! Stevo has landed with both missile launchers secured beneath his manly Australian arms, Full Anti Missile Nelson style, and is struggling viciously with the commie despot on the floor as he mewls and miaows and thrashes about trying to throw off the
Aussie croc-wrangler. Alas! The Miaowist missiles have started up, and they can’t be stopped!
One chair arm mounted rocket launcher fires a burst up into the air. They fall straight back down, smashing into Steve Irwin’s arms! The left arm is torn! The right arm is fractured! As another salvo of rockets shoots wildly upwards towards the ceiling, the Full Nelson is broken!
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin:
Fractured Right Arm!Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin:
Broken Full Nelson!Miaow wriggles free and rolls across the room: right into the path of the descending rockets! They tear the fur and damage the jacket!
...They totally pulverise what’s left of ChairMan Miaow’s chair, leaving him nothing but a bleeding half-man half-cat monstrosity!
Miaow looks pretty pissed, and stares with (literally!) burning anger at
Archimedes as he claws his way painfully across the lavishly decorated floor of his private lair, but the Greek is filled with the power of wrathematics, and equipped with the Sandals of The Tyrants’ Doom!
As the terrible twin lasers of Chairman Miaow shoot communistly across the expanse of his private lair,
...Archimedes of Syracuse instinctively lifts his right foot, and shields himself from the blast.
His sandal reflects the terrifying twin lasers right back at the Communist leader!
The lasers short-circuit in Miaow's eyes, and his face bursts apart!
ChairMan Miaow, Communistic Despotic Leader of Catmunist China, Half-Chair, Half-Man, Half-Miaow is struck down!Unsurprisingly enough, the Magnificent Timelord’s magnificent voice suddenly comes through on comms to interrupt the high-fiving historical heroes.”Er. Hello chaps. How’s it going man? Our scientists back here have noticed a sudden drop in the readings on the Magnificent Evilometer, what’s going on? You taken out Miaow?”
“Er… we er… yes boss. Miaow’s down. Heading for extraction.”
“Ok guys, good work. You sure it’s him? You sure he’s dead? You make sure and you take a nice photo too, dudes. We need proof. Now, you guys get your arses out of there quick sharp. The bowiecopter’s on its way to the LZ and I reckon you got no more than two minutes. You’re gonna meet some resistance out there and the longer you take the more there’ll be. Get moving!”
You are no longer “here” though.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT+1 maths bonus to all attack rolls!
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Two Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to ranged attacks. -1 to smelling. -1 blurred vision penalty. -1 to wrestling.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Broken Left Eye! |
Fractured Nose! |
Heavy Head Bruising! |
Fractured Right Arm!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Two Beatle
Status: -1 to movement rolls. Bleeding hard.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar Wounds: [HP:50/75] |
Bleeding Guts! |
Bleeding Gut Fat! |
Broken Guts!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Two King of the Wild Frontier
Status: Severed arm. -1 to two handed weaponry. -1 to defence rolls unless wearing Facial Protection Catmask. -2 blurred vision penalty to ranged attacks.
Inventory: Bowie Knife, Flintlock Rifle,
Boone |
Facial Protection Catmask!Wounds: [HP:60/75] |
Fractured Left Arm! |
Broken Face! |
Severed Left Arm! |
Heavy Left Arm Stump Bleeding! |
Heavy Head Bruising! |
Heavier Head Bruising!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Two Philosopher
Status:Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit, Davy Crockett's fractured and severed left arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Absent Minded! We’ll never know what his favourite chord was. I’ve always liked A minor a lot. Also – no updated image of Miaow crossed out yet, img ie was playing up or my computer was. I also seem to have forgotten the blood on the map.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 247259 times)