TURN TWELVE
Rip the turret from the dinoPANZER to use as a personal weapon! Apply the MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT for leverage if necessary!
Davy Crockett is sprawled on
the ground an ancient Greek philosopher, having just fallen from a tamed Nazi flying machinosaur. He thinks back to a few seconds ago, when he was trying to take down a Nazi dinoPANZER contraption with his trusty Chinese flintlock rifle.
“No wonder I ended up falling on a nearby Greek philosopher!” he mumbles to himself.
“I was trying to take down an armoured and bio-armed Nazi war machine with my antiquated black powder weapon! No sir! What I need is something more suited to these strangely overmodern times I find myself transported to! Yes sir!”He rises to his feet.
He finds himself face to face with the gun turret of the lurking dinoPANZER.
His slightly stunned brain whirs into action: he grabs hold of the gun! He wrestles it up and down and back and forth, but can’t quite get it loose – there’s only one thing for it!
Holding tight to the end of the gun, he gives the turret some of his MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT!
...The turret is torn free! It flies into the air! It travels hundreds of metres to the east!
And so does the attached Davy Crockett!
Item Acquired! Davy Crockett:
Nazi Gun TurretWound Acquired! Davy Crockett:
Severe Arm Bleeding!Multiply this + Heal self.
Freed from
the American that so recently landed on him,
Archimedes gets up. He can’t see a thing! Milliseconds away from running blindly around in a wild panic, he realises he is bleeding heavily from the face, and the blood in his eyes is stopping him from seeing.
...He cleans himself up! He slaps a plaster on his bleeding face!
And then he sees the dinoPANZER. What the hell is Davy trying to- oh gosh! Where’s Davy going?!
“Chaps! We have to take down this Nazi war machine and find Mr Crockett! He’s just flown directly towards the last known position of ROBOSTALIN! Here, check out these algorithms, they might help or something!”...Archimedes starts his by now familiar frantic arm waving, shouting manically about
x and
y before launching into what the casual observer might describe as a nineteenth century traditional English Morris dance! His knees reach his chest! His elbows flap out wide! He squats down low! The power of maths pervades the square, and his comrades all feel enhanced!
TACKLE THAT DINOPANZER, MATE!
Feeling pretty enhanced, mate,
Steve Irwin ignores his brain lying mere feet away and stands. That damn dinoPANZER’s still there, fella! And he looks pretty pissed! Crikey!
Just as the dinoHEAD on the dinoPANZER turns to attack, Stevo leaps vertically into the air, backflipping over and landing on the head with his firm thighs clamped fast around the dinoJAWS! The dinoHEAD strains to open his monstrous jaws as Stevo leans in with his croc-whispering magical ways!
“Easy fella!” he whispers loudly in its ear.
“There, there. It’s all gonna be ok. Oh! Look! Crikey mate! What’s that over there!”With the dinoHEAD’s attention diverted, Steve Irwin nuts him in the face! He elbows him in the eye! He breaks his nose! He whips his belt off and ties it around the dinoJAWS before jumping off the dinoHEAD onto the armoured body of the tank. He delivers a stern admonishment!
“Right, you dumb croc! You’ve been a very naughty – HEY! Listen to me when I’m talking to you. Look at me. LOOK AT ME! I’m gonna count to three, mate, and then I’m gonna rip your head off and throw it on the time out step if you don’t behave. One. Two. Gosh, you’re a feisty fella aren’t you? THREE!”...Steve Irwin rips the Nazi dinoHEAD off the tank! He throws it onto the nearest naughty step! Seeing a high speed diving luftosaur coming right at him he leaps off the armoured hull and ducks and rolls into cover!
Paul McCartney sets the LUFTOSAUR's course full speed ahead towards the dinoPANZER! At the very last moment, he plans to leap off to avoid the impending war-dino-on-war-dino collision!
"Don't worry, Mr. Electricity, ol' chap!” screams
Paul McCartney at the top of his voice as he enters a fearsome dive on his pteroschmitt.
”I will save yooouuuuu!"...At the very last moment, he leaps off to avoid the war-dino-on-war-dino explosion, tearing his guitar off his back and gripping tight onto both ends as he holds it above his head and floats gently down to the ground.
He just has time to duck and roll into cover before a massive fireball erupts into the night sky!
His expert ducking and rolling saves him from the waves of burning napalm that shoot out in all directions!
Mount my bear and demonstrate the superiority of Alternating Currents over Direct Currents (by bathing that DINOtank in lightning)!
Nikola Tesla is pretty impressed. He’s an expert dinoPANZER hunter, and even he couldn’t have taken one out as quickly as these Level Three Bowienauts! Although I suppose there were more than one. Although I suppose they don’t have an electric polar bear.
Just then the smoke clears, and four armed Nazi crew members stagger out of the shattered hull of the Nazi contraption. They raise their submachine guns whilst the bowienauts are still taking cover from the mighty fireball, spraying
…Archimedes with Nazi bullets! The first Nazi
...misses and suddenly Tesla remembers that Hitler was really into Direct Current! He’s totally enraged!
Tesla mounts his bear, grabbing the collar with one hand and swinging himself over its back before giving it a gentle prod in the sides with his feet. It charges forward!
Tesla’s electric polar bear busts the second Nazi to the ground before he can fire, and then rears onto its back feet as Tesla stands in the stirrups with electricity radiating outwards form his hands and his hair radiating outwards from his head.
A godlike crack bursts across the Speedograd night sky!
Boom!
Pure lightning bursts from Tesla’s fingertips as he fires bolt after bolt into the Nazi infidels who seem to turn into xrays of themselves before they
burst into a shower of flaming flesh and bones!
A Nazi thigh bone flies through the air, impaling …Archimedes through the chest and breaking his liver!
“Argh!” he shouts, quickly and correctly diagnosing the problem. “My liver! My liver!”
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Broken Liver!
“Come on guys,” interrupts Paul McCartney. “We’ve gotta find Davy, man. I think he got flung to the east! We’ve gotta save him! He’d do the same for any one of us!”
Suddenly!
Suddenly the assembled bowienauts hear the magical mystical voice of the Magnificent Timelord. It sounds as if he’s directly above them!“Hey guys! Look up dudes – I’m directly above you!”So he is!
David Bowie is gliding above the battlefield in his special winged sequin costume powered by his extra-tight jeans!
“Marcus was getting a bit demanding so I thought I’d take a break – I don’t get to see much field action nowadays so I fired up my special flightsuit. I’m gonna drop some spacetentacles down on my next run past. Grab hold!”
And then!
Swinging wildly in the wind as they cling to
David Bowie’s multiple umbilical cords, the bowienauts are soon soaring into the sky towards the east, and the last known destination of
Davy Crockett.
The four timechampions and the polar bear glide gently through the night, wafting in the putrid air over Speedograd, taking in the horrifying view and listening to Bowie’s anecdotes about that time when you know?
“…and so I said to him, no way man, and morphed into my Stardust form as my backup guitar materialised. He started to run but there’s no escaping from timejustice, man. I totally- oh, crap, guys, that’s Crockett’s location just ahead! He must’ve landed on the bridge! I don’t think I can put you down there with all those communists milling about, dudes, and I’m not risking the rockets today… we’re going to have to figure out a way to get you down to Crockett so you can all get back into the fight!”As he glides, the Magnificent Timelord points ahead. In the burning light of Speedograd the bowienauts can make out the famous bridge over the Volga in the centre of the city. Their neural implants beep with
Crockett’s location at the western end! As one they switch to night vision to get a better view. The injured Crockett is in hand-to-hand combat with several dozen unarmed communists!
They scan further along to the centre of the bridge, where their attention is immediately grabbed by
the monstrous form of the forty foot tall ROBOSTALIN!
INTRODUCING: THE FIENDISH DESTROYER OF FREEDOM: ROBOSTALIN!
Name: Joseph ROBOSTALIN Stalin
Status: Robotic
Inventory: Roboarmour and guns and stuff
Wounds: [HP:150/150]Skills: ROBOROCKETS,
ROBOARMOUR,
ROBOFISTS,
STALIN EYES,
SLOW! calls out
McCartney.
“The fearsome fiend of the far left! Wait! Hey! Zoom in on the area just in front of him! What the hell? Some poor chap’s in hand-to-hand combat with ROBOSTALIN! We’ve got to get down there and help him! Or Crockett! Blast! What’s going on, David? Who the hell is that down there?”There’s a short pause as Bowie zooms into to ultraclose and scans the figure fighting the Soviet dictator.
“Oh shit… How the hell did he get there? I’ve had run-ins with this guy before… I’ve no idea how he turned up here. He seems to be fighting ROBOSTALIN, so we can’t just take him down. It could be a trap though. I’m gonna make one final pass to see if we can gauge his intentions, then I’ll strafe Davy’s position and hold a steady course so you can jump off. Ready fellas? Davy? Can you hear me? If you can, then get your arse into cover, I’m going to take down those 50 or so communists round you, okay?”
INTRODUCING: SPECIAL GUEST STAR!
Player: Empfan
Name: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, Mystic, Black Monk, and Beard Expert
Status:Inventory: Philosopher’s StoneWounds: [HP:100/100]Skills: Seductive Hypnotist,
Beard of Power,
Lots of Blood! Noble Haters Gonna Hate! glides over the battlefield, silent and low, giving the bowienauts a ringside view as
ROBOSTALIN stoops to aim a punch at
Rasputin, the Black Monk!…Blood spurts out the side of Rasputin’s head, but he ignores the pain and
…aims a hard kick at ROBOSTALIN’S groin. ROBOSTALIN starts to bleed severely!
Wound Acquired! Rasputin, the Black Monk:
Heavy Head Bleeding!Wound Acquired! ROBOSTALIN:
Severe Groin Bleeding!At the western end of the bridge,
Crockett swings his knife in a vicious circle
…, taking down 3 communists whilst
…Boone munches on the jawbone of another!
The two nearest survivors jump forward,
…aimlessly flailing their fists at the brave American hero!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTMount Acquired! Paul McCartney: Subdued Nazi Pteroschmitt.
EXPLODED.Maths Bonus! +1 to all attack rolls. One turn remaining.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Three Crocodile Hunter
Status: Bleeding. -1 to hearing. -1 to anything requiring a brain. Immunity to Bruising and Light Bleeding.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:29/75] |
Right Ear Ripped Off! |
Severed Brain!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Three Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. -1 to left leg use. +1 to impressing the ladies.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Wounds: [HP:50/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Three King of the Wild Frontier
Status:Inventory: Bowie Knife, Flintlock Rifle,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Armface,
Nazi Gun Turret.
Wounds: [HP:63/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severe Arm Bleeding!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Three Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm. -1 to movement.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:64/75] |
Bent Left Arm! |
Bruised Leg |
Broken Liver!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Absent Minded! Player: FuzzyZergling
Name: !!Nikola Tesla!!, Visionary Scientist
Status:Inventory: Tesla Coil – currently polar bear-mounted,
Science WipesTM.
Wounds: [HP:55/75] |
Bleeding Chest! |
Burning Filthy Feet!Skills: Strength of the Mad Scientist,
Master of Electricity,
The Electric Strangler,
Mysophobe Player: Empfan
Name: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, Mystic, Black Monk, and Beard Expert
Status:Inventory: Philosopher’s StoneWounds: [HP:95/100] |
Heavy Head Bleeding!Skills: Seductive Hypnotist,
Beard of Power,
Lots of Blood! Noble Haters Gonna Hate! Name: Joseph ROBOSTALIN Stalin
Status: Robotic
Inventory: Roboarmour and guns and stuff
Wounds: [HP:140/150] |
Severe Groin Bleeding!Skills: ROBOROCKETS,
ROBOARMOUR,
ROBOFISTS,
STALIN EYES,
SLOW! Steve Irwin: your severed brain is still bleeding. And yes. 6s. Nearly everywhere.
And yes, Archimedes is away. Any suggestions?I see it, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Yeah but I do…
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 247275 times)