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[Wastedlabor]

One of the many cool stories from Ardentdikes:

When Ongong the black eyed green dragon arrived to Ardentdikes, all civilians rushed underground and all soldiers were stationed to fight her, ready to die in the fight.

Rather than attacking the fortress, Ongong flew over the mountain.

Then plunged into the volcano.

Then decided to chill under the magma, for weeks.

Everybody was sent back to work. Nothing to see there.

[Vherid]

I thought this was pretty great. A heavy siege sought to see my fortress completely desecrated and slaughtered. Bodies, body parts, blood, gore, bones, littering the entire surface of the fortress. However deep underground, one crazy little fucker, he has seen the faces of war, and he thought. WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA. He proceeded to just grab a random dwarf after laughing maniacally, drag him to the butchers shop, chop him up relentlessly, and then make a scepter out of his bones, called "Hexgleam the Volcano of Dreading". Unfortunately it didn't help.

[WillowLuman]

Got 2, take your pick:
Spent months training up axeman, armor user, wrestling, misc object, shield, and dodging. Went to Necromancer's tower on assignment from the lawmaker of the capitol, duty bound to kill the foul sorcerer and free the kingdom from his power. His walking dead fell nameless before by axe, and I threw all their pieces far away to prevent them reentering the fight. At last I came upon to evil mage, and the battle began. He wielded an iron longsword, and soon with a lucky blow my right arm sailed off in an arc! With my axe-hand lost, I threw my shield and broke his sword-hand, causing him to drop the sword. Then I grabbed by severed right arm and struck him repeatedly with it, breaking all his limbs and shattering his ribs, before finally smashing his skull. After this victory, I dropped my severed arm to retrieve my axe. The arm then promptly reanimated and strangled me to death

I embarked on a volcanic glacier, not believing my luck! Immediately I set to work digging an ice palace in the side of the mountain, and soon I was ready to channel lava to fuel the great smelter. But alas! as one of my miners dug, some ice was melted from the heat, but did not stay so, encasing her! Checking the units screen I was grieved to discover that she was in fact in love with my other miner! He was miserable, but I knew I must use him to recover her body. But when he dug he dug her out, the lava flowed around him, mixing with ice, and encasing him in obsidian! After a while, the lava was stopped up by the vent being cooled back to rock by melting ice. With the pick of the woman recovered, the remaining 5 knew what they must do. Quickly, both bodies were recovered and obsidian and ice were gathered. A great box-like room of ice was constructed over the crater, and the obsidian sarcophogi (As well as finely crafted statues) were placed within. Then the bridge was cut, and the great ice-tomb plunged into the crater, laying the lovers to rest in the lifeblood of the earth, at the heart of the world.

[TinyPirate]

Holy shit - that is awesome! Both!

[doublestrafe]

I'll repost this one, which I had originally posted in /r/dwarffortress on Reddit. This is the story of Bigwheel -- that is to say, the love story of Bigwheel.

So I decided to check out the candy farm embark posted here. I was a little awed by the layout: a HUGE river, with an equally huge cliff--only we embarked on a tiny spur on the cliff's edge, with barely enough room for the wagon. No problem, I think, we'll just dig our way to someplace more solid. But oops--did I somehow forget to bring a pick?

Ok, well that's fine. After all, the description said there wasn't a lot of other metal, so I brought enough materials to make a suit of steel armor. I'll just make a pick, and get to digging. Of course, this takes forever, but it'll be worth it. And it'll be fun!

So I make the pick, and from the other piece of steel my Adequate Weaponsmith makes an exceptional steel battle axe, all right! The first thing I do is to channel out a canal to isolate our little spur of land. The miner starts working from the wrong side, of course, which is fine -- he can just dig under, and then we'll floor it off.

Except, with one tile left to dig, SUDDENLY GIANT BADGERS.

One giant badger sow dashes across just before the last tile is dug. The rest throw my miner 18 levels down off the edge, precious steel pick and all, into the river. They're blocked out, but the remaining six dwarves now have a rampaging giant badger sow to deal with in a VERY small space.

Quickly I draft everyone into the military and assign my only decent fighter the axe. Unfortunately, in such close proximity, every Pickup Equipment job is Interrupted by Giant Badger Sow. After one casualty, the dwarves manage to wrestle it unconscious, and then stand there beating uselessly at it. I take them off the job to see if I can pick up the axe and finish the thing.

Big mistake. The giant badger sow, now named Kasithmases, wakes up angry. I can only sit back and watch. Eventually, I'm down to three very angry dwarves...and no badger. I honestly have no idea what happened to her; she's not listed as Deceased, but she had no way off the island either. I'm guessing that she dodged into the river and decided to swim for the other side.

Which leaves me with one miserable carpenter, one miserable militia commander, and one miserable metalsmith. The metalsmith and the commander are having an interminably long shouting match, so I struggle with the carpenter to get a piece of iron smelted and make another pick. This is tricky, as he keeps destroying the smelter and punching the yaks. He's also thrown all of the booze over the side of the cliff, which was a sight to behold.

Finally, just as I get a pick made and a tiny hole dug in the ground, the metalsmith goes berserk, and here we go again. Fortunately, he didn't get a chance to get very good at fighting, and eventually the carpenter punches his skull through his brain. That leaves two even angrier dwarves. When I try to brew some more booze, the commander destroys the still. A fistfight breaks out between them. And just as I actually get a table and chair made, so I can do some bookkeeping and find out where the heck my axe went, they start another shout-at-the-leader meeting, and I'm stuck.

And then, somehow, this happens:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

So here I am, stuck on a tiny island, covered in blood and bodies, looted clean of trees and shrubs, with no stone, no booze, and what looks very much like an aquifer two levels down.

Which, for two simple dwarves, is suddenly Paradise.

[Nyxalinth]

Lol my story is kind of boring compared compared to these epic tales! 

[Dante]

...

So here I am, stuck on a tiny island, covered in blood and bodies, looted clean of trees and shrubs, with no stone, no booze, and what looks very much like an aquifer two levels down.

Which, for two simple dwarves, is suddenly Paradise.

That is the strangest and funniest procedurally-generated love story I have ever read.

[TinyPirate]

It's like the plot of every rom-com! With giant badgers!

[doublestrafe]

It's like the plot of every rom-com! With giant badgers!

I've always thought of the last scene as a cross between Moonlighting and They Live.

Those two eventually managed to find stone by digging about 30 urists north between the river and the aquifer, cancelling every step of the way. The fun part is that migrants necessarily arrive to the left, right in the middle of the giant badger run. Thob and Rovod are going to have plenty of time to themselves.

[I am Leo]

I embark, founding "Strokedaxes" on the brook "Murderseizures". A suitably auspicious start.
For a few months, all is well, until the merchants have visited, and I see fit to check my trade agreements via the civilization screen. I notice that my ruler is king Urist Orbstake. Intriguingly, his title is King / Elf Administrator.
'Splendid' I cry, 'Mighty Urist of the Mirrors of Imprisoning has subjugated the elves and rules both kingdoms.' I decide to gaze upon the legends of his ascension to the dual throne. I open the legends viewer.

Here, the horror begins.

Urist Orbstake is an elf. My king, my absolute monarch, the final arbiter of dwarven lore is a pointy eared tree-goblin, and he dares to hold the name Urist.
I dig deeper.
The last five dwarven kings have all been elves. My nation has suffered thirty years of shame.
I dig deeper, and then it hits me.
My civilizations population is listed as 746 Cats, 10 Yaks and 387 Elves. Not a single dwarf lives among the Mirrors of Imprisoning. The seed of resentment that has been growing within me begins to bloom into a bloody flower of vengeance.

Strokedaxes must grow strong. It must be a gleaming example of dwarven economy, engineering and happiness. It must live in deference to it's elven overlords, sending bountiful tribute. It must grow to the point at which it is deemed worthy of the monarch coming to reside within the throne room I have prepared just for him, at which point the usurper will become acquainted with the oldest tradition of the dwarven nobility.

*some time later*

For years the king's leaden throne had been awaiting his arrival. It sat within an iron box-like room suspended over a magma pipe, weighed down by a memorial to each of the 50 dwarves who fell in the line of duty.

Since the founding of Strokedaxe sieges had broken against it's walls over and over again like waves on the beach, and within the citizens toiled, trained and grew strong. The population of 200 sported an army of 60, each a master in their field, led by Militia Commander Inod Giltbrew, one of the founders of the fortress with over a hundred kills to his name. He lost a hand long ago and now fights only with Razonshen, an electrum shield awarded to him for his prowess in battle.

The plan was simple, prosper, attract the king, send him to sit upon his throne, then send the pointy eared bastard hurtling to his magma doom. Oh what optimism.

The king arrived. Urist Orbstake turned out to, indeed, be an elf. I begin to put the plan into action. Slowly the horror dawns on me. The king will not follow my directions. As an elf his is flagged as "friendly" rather than a member of my civilization. He cannot be assigned to burrows or have rooms granted to him. All he does is stand on the edge of the map.

The dwarves of Strokedaxe had come too far and lost too much to give up now. Inod Giltbrew was sent out alone to slay the usurper in the daylight and leave his body for the birds. As Inod drew near, the king began to flee. Seeing a potential tactic in repositioning the elven monarch and constructing his doom in a more dwarven fashion, I cancel the order to kill him.

Inod doesn't listen.

The militia commander goes rogue. He ignores orders and crushes the elf with his shield. Then, standing over the corpse of something that is no longer king, he shrugs off his armour. He keeps only his shield. Clearly, I assume, his work done, his people liberated, he must be retiring.

The king's entourage arrive and rather than celebrating their nation's finest hero, they attack Inod. This is a group of legendary, armed, armoured dwarves. These filthy collaborators are no match for the king slayer. He dispatches all 5 of them with nothing but his shield, suffering only minor bruises in the process.

Furious at his betrayal, Inod walks back towards the fortress. Rather than the thanks he expects, common folk charge towards him to attack. None survive.

Almost in tears at this point, I do two things. First I build a coffin in what would have been the king's throne room and designate it Inod's tomb. Secondly, I mobilise the military to muster on Inod's location. Over the next few minutes, I become deeply aware of the levels of sheer deadliness a dwarf can achieve through seven years of constant training. Inod went down in the end, impaled by a Spearmaster from behind. He took eight of his formerly loyal troops down with him.

Inod Giltbrew is taken down to the depths of the earth and placed within his tomb, surrounded by the memorials to the 50 dwarven heroes he will now be joining. The doors are sealed, and the level is pulled that sends him down into Armok's arms.

"A section of the cavern has collapsed". Without unpausing, my work now done, I abandon the fortress.


EPILOGUE:

I open the legends viewer to review the saga. I am pleased by the results. Strokedaxe is now home to a new, independent civilization of dwarves. I did it. I freed my people.

The Mirrors of Imprisoning's population now reads 746 Cats, 10 Yaks and 386 Elves 1 Dwarf. The king is dead, but they have acquired a dwarven infiltrator. The fight goes on.

[Strangething]

Let me tell you about the fortress that was doomed before it ever began. Its name has been lost to history.

The expedition foolishly settled in a haunted forest with no pick, and no ax. But these dwarves did not give up lightly. They built a trade depot from the little materials they had, and set about collecting plants and hunting animals, in the hopes of having enough goods to trade for the needed tools when the caravan came.

Soon the dwarves found out why the forest was called haunted. A werewolf was stalking the intrepid explorers. The group's hunter was the first to go. In a flash of fangs, the only one with combat skills was gone. Without digging tools, they were unable to give him a proper burial, but they prudently retrieved his crossbow. Another dwarf was drafted as a marksdwarf, and began training on the local wildlife.

The werewolf attacks continued. One after another was struck down before the camp's lone weapon could be brought to bear. Soon there were only three left, huddled together where the wagon had been dismantled.

The beast came at them. The group's lone militia member fled in a panic, taking the group's only weapon with him. The two remaining dwarves declared themselves the fortress's defenders, and charged the werewolf bare-handed.

The first to get within arm's reach was struck down. Only the group's carpenter was left. He fearlessly charged the beast and wrestled it to the ground before it could claw him. He then proceeded to dislocate both the werewolf's shoulders, both hips, and many other joints as well.

By the time the dwarf with the crossbow had recovered his nerve, the werewolf was passing out from pain, and the carpenter was still working over every body part but the neck. Eventually, the militia dwarf delivered a merciful crossbow bolt to the mangled beast.

The carpenter had not taken a scratch from the fight. The long awaited caravan never arrived, and the two remaining dwarves were forced to return to the mountainhomes.

[Dvalinn]

Haha, some great stuff here! Didn't have time to go through most of the thread, but I just have to say, this one was hilarious:

My dwarfs are all hiding out in the food stockpile, safely burrowed from an invading forgotten beast, when a vampire, disguised as one of my immigrants, decides to take that exact moment to attack, kill and drain the blood of one of my dwarfs.  Due to the crowded location, there are plenty of witnesses.

I check the justice screen and see 10 witnesses.  9 of them accuse the same dwarf, we'll call him Urist McVampyfangs.  The 10th "witness" turns out to be Vampyfangs himself, who cunningly tries to lay the blame for the attack on someone else.  Less cunningly, he tried to blame a goose.

It's almost too bad the bug that allows for that has been fixed now.. Almost.

[TinyPirate]

Yeah, that is grand, but wow, I Am Leo, what an epic!

[kichiguy]

I had a very large, wealthy coastal fortress run smoothly for several years, with several notable achievements. These included having access to large amounts of kaolinite and adamantine, several legendary dwarves to craft these into high quality gear and crafts.
Six squads of elite warrior dwarves (one squad for each weapon type) kept the fort protected during four or five large-scale goblin and troll sieges, one of which ended with the goblin leader crawling off the map alone with bolts in his legs.

The real story to be told involves the underground construction of a long, winding tunnel leading to an adamantine vein. Along the tunnel, a sequence of fourteen huge stone slabs were cut out of the ceiling, each held up by a single support and linked to its own lever in the meeting hall.
At the end of he tunnel closest to the adamantine vein, a straight, wide stretch of the tunnel was filled with cage traps, and a side tunnel was dug parralel to it with fortifications carved between them.

Construction took several seasons, but when it was ready a single brave miner was locked in a tiny room next to the adamantine vein, while a Giant Cave Spider was then dropped into the side tunnel and given freedom of movement up and down its length. All preparations complete, the miner was given the command to breach the vein.

Seasons of careful planning, preparation and construction became essentially meaningless as hundreds of demons came rushing up another, unbreached adamantine pipe elsewhere on the map, only to run into a dead end at the top. After milling about for a few weeks they lazily drifted back down the pipe and off the map.

Seeing an opportunity, the fortress inhabitants constructed a stone stairway to the floor of hell, with a view to constructing a stronghold there. Sixty elite warriors held off the stray demons for a few months as building was attempted, but were struck down one by one as the demon numbers increased. With the army entirely spent, the forces of hell climbed the staircase, overwhelming the gauntlet of giant cave spider webs and cage traps with sheer numbers. The stone slab cave-in traps showed more promise, and many demons were smashed to oblivion, but the infinite demons count was too much for the finite number of traps. All hope lost, the fort fell into a hideous mess of death, tantrums, fire, poison and pure chaos.

Back to the drawing board.

[DrNightKOT]

A nice fortress (name was forgotten, but had word Doom in it, just because every my fortress has got it) located near sea (more precisely, on an island in the middle of sea), having loads of sand and nice aquifier...

The volcano was handy, as the people of the said fortress used it's powers to smelt infinite amound of glass goods, living aboveground and using wells.

Suddenly, the ruler decided to dig extremelly down. The underground fortress appeared in some years, the people abandoned the aboveground constructions. Majesty of underground halls was incredible.

The search for precious metals was dangerous though...

...They've released IT. And it killed every single, except one that managed to lock herself up in a tiny room with a nest box, turkey hen and gobbler, pick and all. The rest of people died because of steam monsters and even though they've locked up the fortress main gate by the bridge and stone, the monsters of depths escaped through volcano, killing the rest of people.

Some time later, the woman that hid with turkeys managed to get some decent life. Food wasn't problem for her, as she installed the nest box and was using the eggs as food. Her first target for reclaiming was (how surprising!) the still and boose stockpile. Using loads of stone, she walled off the sector, freening up this place and using it as Royal Bedroom.

For the next years, she managed to seal off the HELL, the volcano and the overground that was not safe. She met some immigrants through the sophisticated system of gates that didn't let any danger to pass in...

With lots of work, she managed to get herself Adamantine weaponary and hunted the devils.

After some time she became Legendary Engraver, Miner, Brewer, Crossbowman and Liar. And died of the old age.