There and back again, by Reketh Napkinclaws.
It all started as I lay in a fellow store owner's quarters. It was raining outside, and, as I traveled through the wilderness the night before, I realized that I really needed some companions. I got up, and asked the nice fellow who let me stay through the night what kind of services I could do for him, since he was so hospitable to my needs. He sternly replied that an outlaw by the name of Terbin Tubetape was causing him and his fellow villagers much hardship. I listened more and agreed to relinquish this threat by any means necessary.
So I set out and charted my course to a small fortress in the northern woods. After a quick stay in the fortress I set out yet again with two companions, a nice fellow with hardened skill of the bow named Lorin, and a husky woman who preferred a more direct approach using a hammer, her name was Bertha. We soon found ourselves in the camp of the man we were sent to kill, and, as the leader of the group, it was my job to see that my troops came out of this alive. We snuck into the camp and found a nice suitable approach for the ambush. I found that a herd of rhinoceros had made themselves comfortable far right of us, maybe 20 feet and figured that would be a good escape option if anything went wrong.
I took the first step, making sure there were no unseen foes ready to pounce on us, saw it was clear, and headed towards the inner parts of the camp. Finally we reached our objective. I could see him. Waiting there silently. It was Tubetape. I took out a copper knife from my bag and chucked it as far as I could. Suddenly I heard a loud yell saying: "I AM TERBIN TUBETAPE! PREPARE TO DIE!" I took that as my cue to charge, and started running towards him. Unbeknownst to me, he was equipped with a heavy crossbow firing iron bolts. Bertha was the first one hit, taking an iron bolt to the right shoulder, but because of her strong stature, it wasn't enough to take her down. After dodging crossbow fire I reached him first, swinging my sword towards his head, but having it blocked by his armor. After several swings, Bertha finally managed her way around Tubetape and unleashed her fury. After a small tussle on the ground, I got up and started to back up a little, uncomfortable with my enemy inches from me.
He let out a strong swing with his sword, tearing my leg fat and bruising my bone. Suddenly an iron bolt flew through the air, striking Bertha in the leg. She flew her hammer through the air, hitting Tubetape in the leg and fracturing the bone. She was hurt, but she wasn't going to let them take down 'ol Bertha without a fight. I spotted another crossbowman approaching from afar. This wasn't turning out like I had imagined. Suddenly an arrow shot through the air, lodging itself into Tubetapes chest. It was the first shot Lorin had managed to land in the entire struggle. I took that window of opportunity to wrestle Tubetape to the ground and stab him in the chest, tearing tendons and opening an artery. He some how got up and managed to swing his sword a few times, slashing Bertha in the lower body and hurting her pretty bad. Suddenly the crossbowman from afar landed three iron bolts into Lorin, enough to kill him. I stabbed Tubetape in the head with my sword, angered by Lorin's death, and managed to strike him down.
Bertha was attacking the crossbowman but bled out shortly after due to cuts and bruises, and the four bolts that were in her body. She was in severe pain before she died and was vomiting all over the ground. I ran towards the crossbowman and attempted to slash his head, but to no avail. After quite a long battle, I ended up losing both my legs, but striking the crossbowman down. I dragged myself to Bertha's dead body and tried to figure out a game-plan. Two swordsman found their way towards my position but I luckily spotted them before the got to me. I took that time to execute my plan. I wasn't going to die there. I wanted to live.
I picked up Bertha's vomit from the ground and put it in a jar. I spotted the rhinoceros herd and started dragging my limp body toward them. The swordsman were rapidly approaching so I figured that was as good a moment as ever. I chucked that jar of vomit farther than I ever though I could and landed it right on top of one of the unlucky rhinoceros' head. It was mad, it turned around, charging towards me. The swordsman finally reached me and I fought them off as best I could. The rhino reached me as well, impaling my chest with its front horn. I was in a critical condition and tried to get away, but as I laid there, being mauled by a rhino and two female swordsman, I thought to myself: "What a way to die."
YOU ARE DECEASED. PRESS ESC TO FINISH.
Taken from the journal of Reketh Napkinclaws. It was found next to several skeletons and covered in what scientists believe to be at one point a large amount of vomit.
So there you have it. When in doubt, throw vomit.
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Topic: When in doubt, throw vomit. (Read 1067 times)