I'm not going to commit suicide, but I have thought about it for so long now. The only real reason I havn't is because I know for a fact that I can't pull it off-I'm not strong enough to do that. I know that as soon as I pop the pills or start cutting my wrists, I'll freak out and say no, then I'll be shipped off to a motherfucking mental hospital for the third time-Likely leading to a long-term treatment.
Every day. Every day I deal with bullshit. It's always my mother-She brings shit up, and it stresses the shit. Ironically enough, I find that my only escape is school at this point. I don't have to deal with her there. She always comes in and starts talking to me like shit, and sometimes manages to make me cry. One time she's sat there and told me that I 'needed to cry'. Other times she just sat there continuing the berating.
In addition to her stressing the shit out of me, she is controlling beyond belief. She wants to control every aspect of everyone's life. For instance, my brother told her about how his girlfriend had slapped him earlier that day-She then ran around telling the family that she punched him(Not slapped, at least according to her) and failed to mention she had called her mother later on and threatened to press charges.
My mom is depressed, anxious, and has lost 9 pounds in the last 2-4 weeks from stress and anxiety. I can only imagine how she feels, but that does not give her an excuse to spread it to me too. She has cried and told me that she's 'sorry' and that she 'couldn't go on living without me'(She only had one child-Me, with my father before he died of cancer, and she's been grieving ever since.) and then later that night she fucking yells at me, interrupts me while I'm trying to defend myself and accuse me of being irresponsible.
Honestly, I have more freedoms at this house than I would if I was born into a different family, but the fucking emotional shit I have to go through is ridiculous. I'm tired of it.
Don't really know what else to say. Not sure if there's any advice for this, really. Just getting this out.
EDIT:I should also state I have no intent of harming myself or others. I am currently seeing a therapist and have been since I think fifth or sixth grade, but it's kind of tough because you can't just call the therapist up at any time to talk to them about something.