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[Fniff]

I knocked up some very basic poems about zombies. Tell me what you think.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Zombies!

Hide in the mall!
Zombies are here, and they are giving their all!
Get a gun
and have some fun!
The Zombies have come for your brains,
hide the dames!
Get a knife,
grab your wife!
Head for the shop!
Zombies are attacking, use your machete to chop!
There is no more room in hell,
and that ringing sound is the bell
signaling the end of the world!

Getting A Signal

Hiding under my bed,
they have not broken in, the undead.
I turn on my radio, what a shock!
"Safe zone, go to the school and then head up the block!"
Grab my trusty gun,
going to kill some Zed Heads, hun'.
Fight my way to help,
Nothing there. I yelp.
"Sorry bout that, too many Zack!"
The radio chatters, then goes silent. That's a lot of mack,
you ran away because you were scared of a few Zs,
and that means you have all the bravery of bees!

Traitor

Hiding in a compound,
the zombies pounding
echos throughout the hall.
We're all here, drinking wine,
biding our time.
Argument starts,
The insurance guy, Mart,
gets pissed, opens the gates.
The zombies don't wait,
eats him like fast food.
Emotions rise, the mood
changes. We all run,
but not fast enough. The zombies have fun.
All alone, shouting curses at the moon, the eternal waiter.
The curses are all about Mart, that bloody traitor.

[bowdown2q]

heh. Entertaining.

one note though: you seem to be trapped in the hell of poetry: rhyme scheme. Not all poetry needs rhyme, and in a few cases here you're stretching for rhyme and it's killing the rhythm.

You've got a very... non-repetitive rhythm. something like
' ' ' _
' - - - - - - ' - - -
' - '
- ' - '
- ' - - - - - -
' - '
(etc)
(i think. it depends on how you say it, but still)

It's very irregular, and the varying line lengths are weird. They work, but they'd work better with some regularity. e.g. long short long short, or long long short, long long short, or even L s L s L L s.

The last line of the first one feels sort of... like it's missing another line. It doesn't have any of the rhyme, rhythm, or even length that the other lines do; it feels too short.

It's certainly interesting, and a hell of a lot better than a lot of what I've seen in creative writing classes >>.

[Fniff]

Hmm. Maybe instead of just making rhyme,
I should do something like finding time
to subcribe to a certain type of poem,
because, as they say, when in Rome!

...

That was horrible, I apologize.

Yeah, I should use limericks/haikus/whatever instead.

[bowdown2q]

Well, there's nothing wrong with free verse... provided it's not trash.

You don't need to stick to an established form, mind you. Just remember that poetry should sound good when spoken aloud. If its awkward to say, it's probably lousy poetry.

That being said, you've got some good couplets going on; just tweak them so they have less crazy rhythm, and it should improve it a few hundredfold.

[Fniff]

Can you say what ones are good and what ones are bad? I am still on a creator's high.

[bowdown2q]

Eh. they're all pretty mediocre. the first one is probably the worst, and I think the last one is the best of the three. They all need some revisions tho.

[Fniff]

Hmm. OK then.

[alden5jesus]

Your poem is nice Fniff. Among three I like poem "Getting A Signal". It  touch to heart and remember the childhood.

[Psyco Jelly]

I sincerely believe that you
Have a problem with rhythm too
So stick to limericks
And it will fix
All of what the poets do.

[Neonivek]

Interesting Poems. I have one too

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Rigamortis is great
You'll like it too!

Anyhow, the Poems oddly enough sound a lot more like song lyrics.

[Supermikhail]

I think it should be rigor mortis.