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[Immortal]

Note : Well I have taken akin to writing and decided to give it a shot. I'm writing a full story, but here is some intro parts, short stories, to set it up among other things. Please constructive feed back. Even if its a "bad grammar ):" or just a "good work!", point out what you like/dislike. Also include the age you think I am by my writing, I'm curious. Thanks.


Caution - Mature audience only, violence and profanity. haha.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The machines of the plastics factory were grinding along through the day shift, producing hundreds of parts an hour. The whole day staff was in attendance. It consisted mainly of men who worked to drink and a few twenty-somethings paying their college debt that they racked up from their low attendance and partying. Mark Thompson was turning an adjustable wrench fixing some machinery while another man poured a bag of plastic pellets into it. Mark knew it was nice outside and he wanted out, he hated his job but he knew he would lose it if he didn’t get the machine running soon. Mark had already screwed up earlier that week with dreadful results; he was on the watch list to be relieved. The factory had around a hundred people in it, from paper pushers to cleaners and mechanics. Mark was apprenticing for heavy equipment technician.
   “Watch out,” Yelled a worker from above to Mark.
   Mark dove back as one of the indoor lifts went haywire. The twenty pound hook attachment swung by and slammed into a vat with a loud clang that resonated around the room. More yells from the factory and slamming. Alarms began to cry out.
   “Thanks man. What the hells going on over there?” Mark called up to the worker.
   “No fucking clue man but some of the cleaners over there are in a fight!”
   “Lemme watch man,” Mark climbed the ladder leading to the highest platform and looked over with the worker, “Holy shit they are actually beating him we have to help!”
   Far down below near the management offices three obviously quite angry men were upon a manager beating him senseless with blunt fists. Alarms continued to cry out in the building.
   “We should peace, everyone’s fighting. Is that patty?” The worker pointed over to a body on the ground with tears of blood coming from its eyes.
   Mark read the workers nametag in his head, “Bob Walker”. They climbed down the ladder looking around. Around them was about four fights each consisting of two or three on one.
   They reached the ground. A man came crashing around the corner running; two other men ran behind him like rabid dogs. Mark reached down for his biggest wrench; Bob grabbed a crowbar. They ran over to the two men attacking a crane operator. They both swung for the same person. One impact into the shoulder and another into a rib. It knocked the man off and onto his back. Bob charged the last one. Mark caught eyes with the attacker; his eyes were a deep red ball akin to a sea of blood with a small black boat alone, adrift in the vast ocean. Blood trickled from his eyes; it dripped down his cheek and another along his nose and into his mouth. The clearly deranged man snarled at Mark with a large amount of clear liquid dripping out. Like a crack from a lightning bolt, the rabid man sprang towards him like a pouncing wolf. Mark swung his wrench catching the man in the temple. A skull cracking sound came as the wrench struck. It dropped the rabid man cold to the ground.  Mark spun around to see how Bob faired.
   The crowbar dropped from above Bobs head out of sight. The strike clearly landed on the body of the assailant. Bob turned around and gave a confirming glance to Mark. The two made for the emergency exit knowing the crane operator was gone. They emerged outside into the main loading area. Explosions, crashing and loud cracks like lightning went of in the distance. It was silence; except for the chaotic sounds that shattered it.
   “What do we do?” Bob asked franticly.
   “Let’s go for my car. Shit they were like rabid dogs!”
   “I noticed! That one guy bit my hand while I was trying to tell him to calm down,” quickly replied Bob, “Like what kinda guy bites?”
   They duet climbed into Mark’s black ‘Ford F-150’. The truck peeled out onto the highway leaving tread-marks in the loading area. The road was littered with cars overturned on the guardrail and a transport had flipped when it cut across the medium into on coming traffic. They drove on watching the surrounding as they fell apart. People were dead on the ground curled in balls. Looking around they saw no activity, other then random explosions in the distance and alarms from all over. They were the only ones alive. Alone. Bitten.

[Supermikhail]

You're a funny guy - "Profile of immortal." By the way, about age. My guess would be around 350 to 400.

Now, seriously. I took some time to consider your story, or the intro. At first I wanted to send you here. Then I wanted to just say "Bad grammar". Finally I came to this:

Why do you think it's interesting to read? It, of course, may be just an exercise, and then the main criticism is "bad grammar". But if it's something important to you, why would you think it would be interesting? I find it profanely cliché. Even if no one has eaten anyone or their eyes ooze blood, it's still a regular zombie story that's been beaten to death, without anything redeeming. But I understand that it's an introduction, and the complete story must have some uniqueness. If that's the case, would you consider reintroducing it in a different way?

P.S. Not bad grammar, but some unlucky sentence structure and typos.

[Quarr]

My initial age guesstimate: 16. Then I dug through your profile, saw that you signed up in '07 (which would mean you found DF at age 13) and read through your oldest posts. Seemed more like a 14 year old, really. So I guess you're either 16 or 17.

I'll fix your grammar up.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The machines of the plastics factory were grinding along through the day shift, producing hundreds of parts an hour. The whole day staff was in attendance. It consisted mainly of men who worked to drink and a few twenty-somethings paying their college debt that they racked up from their low attendance and partying. Mark Thompson was turning an adjustable wrench fixing some machinery while another man poured a bag of plastic pellets into it. Mark knew it was nice outside and he wanted out, he hated his job but he knew he would lose it if he didn’t get the machine running soon. Mark had already screwed up earlier that week with dreadful results; he was on the watch list to be relieved. The factory had around a hundred people in it, from paper pushers to cleaners and mechanics. Mark was apprenticing for heavy equipment technician.
   “Watch out,” yelled a worker from above to Mark.
   Mark dove back as one of the indoor lifts went haywire. The twenty pound hook attachment swung by and slammed into a vat with a loud clang that resonated around the room. More yells from the factory and slamming. Alarms began to cry out.
   “Thanks, man. What the hell's going on over there?” Mark called up to the worker.
   “No fucking clue, man but some of the cleaners over there are in a fight!”
   “Lemme watch, man,” Mark climbed the ladder leading to the highest platform and looked over with the worker, “Holy shit, they're actually beating him! We have to help!”
   Far down below near the management offices three obviously quite angry men were upon a manager beating him senseless with blunt fists. Alarms continued to cry out in the building.
   “We should peace (?), everyone’s fighting. Is that Patty?” The worker pointed over to a body on the ground with tears of blood coming from its eyes.
   Mark read the workers nametag in his head, “Bob Walker”. They climbed down the ladder, looking around. Around them were about four fights each consisting of two or three on one.
   They reached the ground. A man came crashing around the corner running; two other men ran behind him like rabid dogs. Mark reached down for his biggest wrench; Bob grabbed a crowbar. They ran over to the two men attacking a crane operator. They both swung for the same person. One impact into the shoulder and another into a rib. It knocked the man off and onto his back. Bob charged the last one. Mark caught eyes with the attacker; his eyes they were a deep red ball akin to a sea of blood with a small black boat alone, adrift in the vast ocean. Blood trickled from his eyes out; it dripped down his cheek and another along his nose and into his mouth. The clearly deranged man snarled at Mark with a large amount of clear liquid dripping out¹. Like a crack from a lightning bolt, the rabid man sprang towards him like a pouncing wolf. Mark swung his wrench catching the man in the temple. A skull cracking sound came as the wrench struck. It dropped the rabid man cold to the ground.  Mark spun around to see how Bob faired.
   The crowbar dropped from above Bob's head out of sight. The strike clearly landed on the body of the assailant. Bob turned around and gave a confirming glance to Mark. The two made for the emergency exit knowing the crane operator was gone. They emerged outside into the main loading area. Explosions, crashing and loud cracks like lightning went of in the distance. It was silent except until the chaotic sounds shattered it.
   “What do we do?” Bob asked frantically.
   “Let’s go for my car. Shit, they were like rabid dogs!”
   “I noticed! That one guy bit my hand while I was trying to tell him to calm down,” quickly replied Bob, “Like what kinda guy bites?”
   They duet climbed into Mark’s black ‘Ford F-150’. The truck peeled out onto the highway leaving tread-marks in the loading area. The road was littered with cars overturned on the guardrail and a transport had flipped when it cut across the medium into on coming traffic. They drove on watching the surrounding as they fell apart. People were dead on the ground curled in balls. Looking around they saw no activity, other than random explosions in the distance and alarms from all over. They were the only ones alive. Alone. Bitten.


¹ - I really don't like the wording at this part. "A large amount of clear liquid" sounds so vapid compared to the rest of the story, try something with a bit more impact.

It's actually pretty good, though as Supermikhail said, rather cliche. With an editor, you could turn it into something great -- I said I was only going to fix your grammar, but I reworded a few sentences that bugged me. There are actually a few more things I found rather disconcerting (the overuse of 'man' by your characters, in particular) but they're not egregious. I avoided putting some commas where I probably should've, mostly because I have a terrible problem with overusing them and in many cases it's rather borderline anyway.

[Immortal]

Superm - Well thanks, I was going to put it in that in the writers guild thread, but they were doing some writing exercise and didn't want to derail it. Im introducing it in four short stories. The last of them will continue on as the actually story. The character in this story will later come in as the group mechanic/handman character. Most of the characters are going to die off in the short stories. The stories are to make it
feel intense and full of action, it will actually be based around how the main character keeps his group together, how they react to problems and the loss of everyone and what they think of and do to deal with it.

Oh and the twist is the small group will take refuge on an abandoned ship.

Quarr - Thanks a ton on the corrections, I see what you mean. Oh and Ill take care of the use of "man" by the character. I just wanted him to be kind of an annoying character and bad with people as his negative attributes, since he will be a very helpful mechanic and stuff. Also so you like the actual writing other then the cliche part right?

P.s ignore grammar and stuff in this post, writing from my iPod touch, it's such a pain to correct stuff.

[Supermikhail]

Immortal, you're even funnier than I thought at first. Although I am serious. And also blunt.

How is

it will actually be based around how the main character keeps his group together, how they react to problems and the loss of everyone and what they think of and do to deal with it.

new? I think every George Romero's fim has it at least as a subplot. Also, how is

Oh and the twist is the small group will take refuge on an abandoned ship.

a twist? How is an abandoned ship fundamentally different from any other abandoned vehicle, store, underground facility. For me they are pretty much the same, because they are abandoned... On the other hand, if you really mean a ghost ship...

To be outrageously blunt - I didn't get caught in the action in this piece, stuff happened completely outside me. You might want to reconsider your definition of action. That is it should have suspense and the climax. And here we have red-eyed zombies, and the protagonist just goes and beats a guy (or a zombified guy) into pulp. Have zombies chase them in the end, at least.


I hope you take my criticism as constructive.

[Immortal]

Well here in the actually first of the intro stories, the one you have already read was the second.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Mr. Hopkins was marking papers while his grade eleven chemistry class did book work.  This was a high school in a moderately sized town; yet it was big enough there was another high school on the other side. This one had around eight-hundred kids; fifteen hundred in the other. One of his students opened a window, as it opened a breeze blew in. The air was cool, crisp, and filled with moisture from the spring thaw. The ground was muddy and summer was around the corner, it had been raining for three days until last night. The student who opened the window kept standing there; he sneezed and twitched for a moment and began to walk back.
   Walking back to his desk the kid complained, “Fuck my heads pounding.”
   “Josh, Replace that word with something else!” Mr. Hopkins spoke, “Go see the nurse if it’s that bad. Oh and don’t forget the hall…”
   Josh went limp. His knees buckled and the boy collapsed back in an uncontrolled fall. His body hit the white tiled floor with a thud. The cell phone in his hand fell out as his hand lost grip and impacted the floor; it shattered on impact. He was dead.
   Mr. Hopkins stood up quickly, and he became severely lightheaded. The other students turned to look at joshes body; a few were holding their heads from the headaches sweeping the class. One kid was looking at Mr. Hopkins as the forty-seven year old came back from the daze. His vision cleared and he caught eyes with the boy. The teenagers eyes were red, the veins in his eyes massive and growing larger. In a second they were a crimson ball, a thin pale iris and a black pupil staring out into the cold breeze. Half the class was limp on their desks. A few were moaning in pain and smashing their faces into the desks like rabid animals. One student’s nose was broken from the impact; blood was   now covering his desk. The class of twenty-one was silent.
   The only exception of the dead was the boy staring at John Hopkins.
   “Phil,” John spoke in shock quietly, for John it felt like he was stuck in a concussive shell-shocked state calling out.
   The seventeen year old formerly known as Phil flailed his arms up at the sound of Johns voice and fell from the desk haphazardly. He exploded from the ground in a gawkish maneuver towards John. Instinctively his body threw a fist forward into the boys face. It threw the teenager backwards causing him to trip and fall onto his back.  John was a tall athletic man, not a gym teacher but he helped coach a few sports in the school. The thing on the floor rolled over and began its fierce attack on John again. Its skin was losing colour, and blood dripped from its nose. The arms of the once controlled body reached out as it dove into John wrapping around him in a hold. John brought a fist down on its head, as he was jolted against the blackboard. He felt a sharp pain break through his side. Bearing down on the body attacking him he managed to knock it down. Adrenaline filled him as he turned as sprinted for the door. His sweaty hand pulled it closed as he left. Slam.
   He ran. Screams and crashing sounds from the classrooms were reverberating through the hall. In a quick sprint, he was already running down the front steps of the school onto the street. He turned back and looked at the building now hell. Car alarms and explosions went off in the distance. Feeling his abdominal wound, it was warm and wet. He was bleeding and that thing had bitten him.
   “What's going on!” He screamed in terror as his voice joined the disorder of sounds from the enveloping chaos. He ran towards his car, climbing in he looked through his windshield at the school. One of the students had jumped out the window, straight through the glass. It landed face first and the body followed in a limp crippling collapse with dull crash to the ground. Glass shards rained with the body to the ground. It recoiled in a few seconds and made a sprint for his car. He was far enough away. Fumbling his keys, he looked up as he turned it in the ignition. It started and he threw it in reverse peeling out of the parking lot with a screech backwards away from the creature. It tripped on its own foot and collapsed tiredly. It shrieked out in pain and clawed the pavement. It went silent. It was dead.
   John turned around and began down the street. He had been driving home for fifteen minutes. Passing smashed cars and flipped trucks. A vehicle’s wheels were still turning as it drove forward into a yellow-painted parking pole. He was traveling down the long concession road to his home when his head began to throb with excruciating pain. His vision went blurry. John began smashing his head uncontrollably against his steering wheel. His vision blacked-out. Unconscious. Dead.

How is

it will actually be based around how the main character keeps his group together, how they react to problems and the loss of everyone and what they think of and do to deal with it.

new? I think every George Romero's fim has it at least as a subplot.

I know but I mean it will take on a more psychological view rather then just the normal slash and blood zombie story. It's only zombies because they are scary. It was that or a entirely empty world where a virus sweeps through. The main character will also carry my thoughts on society and government among other things in the book.

Also, how is

Oh and the twist is the small group will take refuge on an abandoned ship.

a twist? How is an abandoned ship fundamentally different from any other abandoned vehicle, store, underground facility. For me they are pretty much the same, because they are abandoned... On the other hand, if you really mean a ghost ship...

No I hate supernatural ghost things, gotta be somewhat factual. Its just where they are held up. Every end of the world story has some kinda of place they stay, unless they are on the run.. So yea I said that wrong, its not a twist at all its just the place they will stay.

[Supermikhail]

Jesus Christ. Exposition! Also

Instinctively his body threw a fist forward into the boys face.

He's got instincts of a killer. At least say "a hand". Because an open palm to keep the boy away would be normal, but a fist... Well, maybe it's this kind of school.
Also, exposition, and what follows it, that is, detail. Why would he get out of the school like that? You at least need to describe the chaos that made him not try to contact other teachers, not try to phone police or something, not try to get to the doctor or whoever they have in that school.

Your plot still seems highly unoriginal, but if it's political and you drive your point hard enough, it might work.

If your story is about characters and their interactions, it seems a really bad choice of words to describe the role of one of the characters as "the mechanic". It sounds more like a role for a videogame than a story. His personality should have precedence over his profession.

[Immortal]

Wow. Thank you for catching that, to be honest I didn't notice it, I thought I had written out the reason for him running from the school. Yea big mistake. I will also change his killer instinct haha never thought of it that way.

I know its unoriginal, its an intro to a zombie book. The other way I was going to introduce it was just straight from the main characters point of view, but I felt like adding some background to the characters.

It will be partly about the interactions, partly about the politics and a bit about the world around them and how it decays. The 'mechanic' is kind of crucial. His personality will be annoying and the group will want to kick him out but they don't, simply because they need his skills.