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Author Topic: First attempt at a story..."At a Glance"  (Read 1091 times)

Urist McNewb

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First attempt at a story..."At a Glance"
« on: August 18, 2010, 12:19:22 pm »

At a Glance


   Author’s note: Hello, I’m writing this story as a solution to my summertime boredom. I’m a fifteen year old kid attending grade ten in several weeks, but until then, I’m stumped for ideas on what to do, so I decided to write something. As this is simply a remedy to boredom, it probably won’t have superb grammar, or amazing spelling, if you spot something, please point it out.


   Sam was wondering the streets, it was Saturday afternoon, and he had nothing to do, and nowhere to go. He hated the city, absolutely despised it. He didn’t like how the vast skyscrapers boxed you in, he didn’t like the noise, the hustle and bustle, and he didn’t like the crowding, god, the crowding. People had been flocking to the city for years now, but he had just begun to realize the extent of it, people we’re literally everywhere you looked. He stopped into a local coffee store to buy a quick fix to his boredom, “A paper and some Joe,” he thought to himself, a splendid idea. He went to sit down with his coffee, but couldn’t seem to find a spot, so he walked himself outside and looked around, sipping on his coffee and watching the planes fly overhead, the buses filled with people rush by, the taxis and cars honking furiously in the rush hour traffic as they hurried home for their wives, children, or whatever else they had. Sam sat against the wall and sipped again, they had made his coffee wrong, they always did, teenagers working for minimum wage had no reason to work hard he guessed, and put the coffee down. He looked at the nearby building, it was an office tower, probably filled with people working, chatting, and simply passing the time. He looked up again at the sky, the colours were a rainbow of green and red hues, pollution had been getting worse too. He decided to open up his newspaper; he had bought it after-all. The front page headings which were always filled with titles exclaiming the high (and rising) prices of oil, the migration statistics, the exchange, and the doings of all the rich. Today, not much had changed, so he flipped through the pages covering the war, to the little-read section of the paper, and his favourite part; the opinion page. On that page he read about the thoughts people had on mundane issues, such as the cities public bathrooms, and the size of manhole grates. The stupidity of some folks suggestions, and topics always amused him.

   It was evening by the time he had put the paper down, and the buzz had died down a little bit. He slipped from his trance, sipping his coffee and then spitting it out at the realization that it was cold. He looked around, and at the offices across the street. The people in there had probably packed up for the day and went home to their families, lucky them. He looked at the sky too. There were fewer planes in the sky, good riddance he thought, though, now that he thought about it, there were no planes to be seen, and looking at the street, there were only a few homeless people covered in their blankets. Where was everyone? He looked back at the sky again, the hues had begun to glow even brighter, oh well, it would be nice to sleep under. He stood up and walked a little ways to the nearest doorway, and curled up under the awning, the weather was awfully warm, he thought. “No need to go find a blanket,” he thought. Looking up again, the sky was really quite red, and the wind was quite strong. He thought he saw a mushroom cloud on the horizon (or what he could see past the buildings), but what nonsense was that? So he closed his eyes.

   By Chris.
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ILikePie

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Re: First attempt at a story..."At a Glance"
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2010, 02:59:42 pm »

I liked it. We have a writing thread if you're looking for some more feedback. I noticed a few errors while reading through, nothing major though.
Sam was wondering the streets,
I believe the word you're looking for is wandering.
but he had just begun to realize the extent of it, people *we’re* literally everywhere you looked
Should be were.

Really cool idea, I'd love to see some more.
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EagleV

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Re: First attempt at a story..."At a Glance"
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2010, 03:24:16 pm »

Sounds good, but a few things I'd like to point out.

-Lots of commas. It is logical to use long, descriptive sentences when you are typing, but shorter sentences read much easier. Cut some of the longer sentences in half, try to rephrase them in two parts. (I only noticed this because I have the same problem.)

-"... the weather was awfully warm, he thought. 'No need to go find a blanket,' he thought."
Try to avoid this. It's a common 'mistake' but very annoying for the reader.

You could, for instance, use
"He stood up and walked a little ways to the nearest doorway, and curled up under the awning. 'The weather is awfully warm', he thought, 'No need to go find a blanket'."
instead of
"He stood up and walked a little ways to the nearest doorway, and curled up under the awning, the weather was awfully warm, he thought. 'No need to go find a blanket,' he thought."
which solves both problems in that sentence.

These are the only (minor) flaws that I can spot. Other than that, nice intro. Let me know when the book is in pre-order ;)
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