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[Awayfarer]

Moon, try posting something that is not about vampires. We might get a better sense of how you write if the vampire thing is not a distraction.

As it is, it's waaaay too hard to tell where you're at from just the one poem. For all anyone here knows, one cliche poem could be representative of cliche work. Sure, it could just as easily be because there's nothing new to be said on the topic, but we can't know that without a broader sample to go by.

[MoonDancer]

Okay...Here are a few of my more recent poems. A bit dark, but vampire free. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Song of Death

Twisting,
Turning,
Pulling,
Pushing.
Plunge it in deeper,
And let it all spill out.
Sighing,
And dying.
Bleeding,
And relieving.
Plunge it in deeper,
And let it all spill out.
I try to resist,
But death calls me near.
Why do I want,
To stay by his side,
When he holds the knife,
That could take my life.
Plunge it in deeper,
And let it all spill out.
Kill me,
And thrill me.
See me,
Then be me.
Plunge it in deeper,
And let it all spill out.
Love me,
And cut me.
Heal me,
And seal me.
Plunge it in deeper,
And let it all spill out.
I am the reaper,
I am the seeker,
Plunge it in deeper,
And let it all spill out.

*********
Voices

I can hear them,
Talking to me,
Harassing me,
Trying to get me to give in.
Loving me,
Hating me,
Wanting me to be with them.
I can’t make them stop,
And I can’t block them out,
All I can do is listen.
I want to scream,
I want to shout,
But no matter what I do,
They just won’t get out.
Why can’t they be silent,
Or just leave me alone.
Why can’t I have peace,
Or a space to call my own.
They follow me everywhere,
They are with me,
This I know.
I don’t know how to get rid of them,
So no matter what I do,
They will be with me,
Gnawing at my sanity,
As they try to leave me,
In a bloody heap.
They are only voices in my head,
And they will stop,
Only when I’m dead.

[Rhea Li]

....hmmm.....hmmmm.......hmmm...

What about a giant eating a dwarf? Would that make a good poem? 

[mendonca]

Study the works of Nick Cave.

He writes about death, religion and shit (amongst other things), but does it with genuine flair and humour.

[Rhea Li]

I'd post up my poems, but they're too personal and no one would understand them and get the wrong idea. -_-'' The price one pays for having a psychotic illness.

[Awayfarer]

Study the works of Nick Cave.

He writes about death, religion and shit (amongst other things), but does it with genuine flair and humour.

This.

Cave's lyrics are absolutely brilliant. In most modern music you can tune out the words and not really miss anything, not so with Nick Cave. The man's got an impressive vocabulary. More importantly, he knows what to do with every single word.

[Awayfarer]

I'm detecting a couple of patterns.

1: "Me"

All three of these center on a "me".

2: Angst

All of them seem to have something to do with that "me" being tortured or tormented in some way.

3: Structure

They're sort of just piles of lines. All about the same length


Before you can make any progress as a poet, I advise you to do several things. First find a different subject. If you want to talk about death or madness, that's fine, but realize that these are pretty common topics for amateur poets and people may think of you as such if you use said topics.

Second, find a different persepective. Tortured "me" poetry is also very common with amateur poets. I'm sorry to say but that is cliche. Take a look at Carl Sandburg's poem "Grass". It's a poem about war and death that does not get angsty.

Expirement with structure. Try different rhyme schemes. You might want to work with a few existing structures (villanelles, or sonnets for example) before setting out on your own.


One last question; do you read poetry? If the answer is "no" or even "a little", than don't write. There's no sense in a person practicing an art that they don't care about. It sounds harsh, but without surrounding yourself with poetry you'll never get a feel for what makes a poem really work. That and, frankly, it doesn't make sense to write it if you don't value reading it.

[Rhea Li]

-edited out-

[¿]

If you ever have trouble thinking of a good subject, don't pick one. Some of the best poetry I've read is completely ambiguous, and if you ask the poet they don't even know what it means. Just as long as it all sounds related or relevant to each other, that's all you need.

/2cents

[inaluct]

In the same vein as Awayfarer's comments on Moondancer's poem, I'd like to point out that Rhea's isn't nearly as angst ridden, and it doesn't use the words "I" or "me."

And it is now edited off of the forum.

Whatever. Anyway, I liked Rhea's more than Moondancer's, and it at least made some attempts to rhyme.

[MoonDancer]

I thank you for your opinions. You guys don't like my style of writing I get that. As much as I like hearing everyone's opinion about my writing I'm not writing for aproval. If you like it..yay for me...if not...oh well. Sometimes my heart does the writing and sometimes my mind does the writing. For me writing is just one of the ways I cope with everyday life. If I write about death it means.....why don't we just leave it at that. Sometimes writing is the only thing that keeps me sane. Like I said..if you like it..yay for me...if not ...oh well...either way...sometimes it's one of the only things keeping me away from the thin line that lies between sanity and insanity. It's a form of therapy for me. I will leave this thread open so if you want to give me more tips I will be more than happy to read them and take them into consideration, but I won't post anymore of my work here.