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[DarkAnt]

This is a little long so if you don't want to read it just skip to the end.

     I had just finished getting reports of child snatchers thieves when I got message of a goblin ambush. So I go over to take a look at my would be attackers only to realize that they've surrounded a human hammerman. This caused me to become concerned as the humans took a few casualties the last time they came to trade and I had not offered them much while trading.
     
     I started to wonder if I should send out my army of naked wrestlers(don't ask, in short fire imps destroyed a chunk of my fortress and I hadn't any gear left). Why didn't this hammerer just leave with the rest of the caravan? There were no other humans on the map. Perhaps a pathfinding issue caused his departure to be delayed? So I go to take a look at his stats and it turns out he's extremely strong and very tough. I figure that'll let him live long enough to allow my meager forces to rush to his aid. That's when I noticed his name.
   
     Zolak Urarxok... that's a pretty funny name for a human. Then I saw that Zolak was actually female(shouldn't that be hammerwoman?). Then I looked closer and saw "Zolak Maligntaker". Since when did the humans start taking on ill intent names like that? That's when it finally dawned on me. Zolak was not the damsel in distress as I thought, but a cruel wretch who showed up to chew gum and crush skulls. Looking at Zolak's inventory it seems she's all out of gum.

There were a few items of interest that she did have though:
Iron war hammer,
Iron shield,
(+<<-Cougar leather loincloth->>+),      I kid you not
^^ edit3: apparently its encrusted with finely-crafted Native platinum
Giant cave spider silk robe and tunic,
Large Iron helm,
Snakeman leather gloves,
and Iron low boots to stomp me with.

     Woah, this lady is crazy!!! This is when I came to my second realization. Zolak, the human hammerwoman, was not here to crush skulls. No, she is here for a reason far more sinister(or pleasant depending on how you view things). Zolak Maligntaker demands death by snoo snoo! http://www.hulu.com/watch/4476/futurama-death-by-snoo-snoo

So that's where I'm at. For those of you who are impatient here's the rundown:
Some crazy human hammerwoman wearing a ridiculous cougar leather loincloth is intent on giving my dwarfs death by snoo snoo! Hooray!!! Woohoo!!! I can't think of a better way for a dwarf to die. The other amusing aspect of this is that my army is a bunch of naked champion wrestlers. 

[DarkAnt]

I was curious as to where little miss death by snoo snoo came from so I took a look in the legends.

So lets see here, where did this human come from.
Zolak Maligntaker was a human born in 179. She was the second eldest daughter of Ngoso Plaguemine and Em Routhexes.
In 179, Zolak took up residence in The Immoral Castle in Dreamedmenaces(a relative of Castle Anthrax?).
In 191, Zolak became a member of the Good Coven.
In 191, Zolak became a farmer in Dreamedmenaces(Where did it all go wrong Zolak?)
In 192, Zolak married Atu Devilgoad(<---bad influence)
hehe, Atu came from The Castle of Incest in Monstrousdip and was a siege engineer.
In 199, Zolak began hunting great beasts in The Trampled Factional Steppes.

Related Historical Figures:
Ngoso Plaguemine, mother b. 159 d. 190
Em Routhexes, father b. 159 d. 195
She has 5 objects of worship. What is an object of worship anyway?
And she had a daugter Ngokang Vicelenches b. 193

She's a member of:
The Wretched Plague
The Prestigious Bloat-Spiders(is being a member of that a good thing?)
The Good Coven
Her only related site is Dreamedmenaces.


Zolaks Mom(Human):
Lived in the castle,
Marries,
Became a brewer,
Began scouting the area around Dreamedmenaces(Why is the brewer scouting? Is that a nice way of saying get drunk and wander around?)
15 years later she's murdered by the goblin Ngokang Flyslime in Dreamedmenaces.

Zolaks Dad(Human):
This guy was one bad dude.
Originally lived in The Unnameable Fortress in Dungcruelty(those poor poos)
Married Zolaks mom
Moved to Dreamedmenaces
Moved to the Immoral Castle
Became a trapper
Murdered Rafeb Onslaugtseeds and Utes Witchpoint
Decided to become a baby-snatcher(a baby-trapper)
A year later he realized the margins in baby-trapping were too low so he became a farmer.
Became a member of The good Coven(He found God?)
Started scouting
Murdered the goblin Snodub Fienddish(Guess not...)
Murdered Atu Cruelrack(...definitely didn't find God)
He was then murdered by Stozu Scorpionsad
Had lots of kids apparently.

So it looks like Dreamedmenaces is a goblin Dark Fortress. What's strange about it is that from about year 100+ humans and goblins were breeding in Dreamedmenaces to the point where its now almost 75% human and 25% goblin.

As it turns out Zolak has a rich tradition of murder and mayhem behind her. Lets hope she can live up to her name.


edit1: The religion of Good Coven is a goblin religion centered around the worship of Sana, a human god of oaths, law and justice. This confuses me so much. Apparently in 181 The Good Coven formed in Dreamedmenaces. At least now I know how the good people of The Good Coven go around snatching up children.

Guy in a Sana suit: "Yes that's right Timmy. I have in this bag a dwarven puzzle box and a miniforge just for you!. Just reach in and get them. Ho Ho Ho"

No wonder the human population of Dreamedmenaces rose so quickly in the later years.

edit 2: Well that was Indiana Jones anti-climatic. My wrestle dwarfs were all lined up facing roughly the same number of goblins +1 human. Then my sole crossbow dwarf opened up and just raked the goblins. Unfortunately one of the first to fall was Zolak and to just one bolt at that. Four of the goblins managed to run away. Ah, the short lived Zolak Maligntaker.  At least she was aptly named. She did take an iron bolt with malintent to the chest.

[inaluct]

I think she might have just wanted to kill your dorfs with a hammer, man.