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[RoseHeart]

I started writing this, for a different purpose. But it felt like an excuse, so I will strip the context and just make a stand-alone post. I don't need sympathy, I just want to talk about this for what it is. It comes off as an attack, I am sorry. The words come from a fight or flight place and changing them sounds disingenuous.

I have Anxiety

Sometimes I retreat.
I have anxiety issues. Some people in this community, that seem to know that and actively try to trigger an episode. Sometimes an episode ends after only a few days, they always feel like they'll never end. It's possible it's not intentional, but the consistency is a growing body of evidence. There are people that have that 'if you are not a shark you are food ' mentality, this is the mechanism that they are actually preying upon. They normalize it by calling people with anxiety, snow flakes, or thin skinned. Even parents often think it's just an exposure issue, I've had plenty, it isn't.

Empathy
People with more resilience tend to be less empathic, so I don't curse the way I am. I have gifts, ones I cherish. I've always wanted to just find a place where I can be loved for what I can give, instead I hang out on Bay 12, lol. I generally love everyone here, even the people mentioned. I could write paragraphs about how awesome each person I regularly or even semiregularly inter-act with, is. But some people walk through life with sunglasses spray painted black.

Always possible this turtle will retreat in its' shell again...

[nenjin]

Making a thread to vaguely call out forum members for attempting to trigger you isn't going to end well, for anyone.

If you believe someone is intentionally harassing you then report their post or DM Toady your concerns. Litigating it in a thread is just going to create more drama.

[RoseHeart]

No, that's not possible. I have brought this matter up in that way, to people I trust before I escalate. Truth is, people that know how to press buttons, know how to do as much damage without crossing current lines in the sand (or covering their tracks). I've read massages that were as close to that line as they can come, they don't exist anymore. Calls to dox me.

Even the person who did that, I don't want anything bad to happen to them. People do change and I am optimistic. You don't escalate unless you want a penalty, I've never wanted a penalty (especially in a permaban community) I just wanted to appeal to their humanity, by their own peers telling them it's fucked up.

Edit: Also, other than one line 'some members of this community'*, my post was just about the current state of humanity. I'm more talking about my experience, I don't know if it's rare or common but it's me.

*That was just a stepping-off point.

[nenjin]

Fair. Maybe edit that part out if it's not really germane to your overall point about how people deal with others who have anxiety. Cause it reads like a call out.

[RoseHeart]

Fair. Maybe edit that part out if it's not really germane to your overall point about how people deal with others who have anxiety. Cause it reads like a call out.

It's a vague call-out I'm not really sorry about that.

I posted this because I censor myself for years at a time, because when I speak up, I often don't feel it matters, and I regret it, but I also feel exactly that way when I am silent. I guess the lesser of two evils, is I holler into the emptiness but at least I fucking said it.

Addit: There was of course that moment, where I am standing in the kitchen, and I clasp the counter as I get week knees, and with profound regret say to myself, did I really post that? But it's just a more potent inverse of how I feel on day to day basis.

What about a therapist? Well my issues are typically with fucked up society norms, I don't really feel out of sorts, otherwise. My issue isn't just the victimizers it's the complacency of others. I think I find it within myself to stand up for people when it counts in general, or I wouldn't feel unreciprocated about it.

[RoseHeart]

Locking this. I love you guys.