Now, where was I? Oh yes,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.Credit where credit is doo-doo, the recent updates have indeed improved the game. The dodgeroll I-frame window appears to have been generously expanded (beyond the roughly 1/3rd of the total animation it used to be), wombat hitboxes seem to have been slightly improved, and the thermal scanner's temperature sensor actually responds according to how close to the clue you are!
...except that it responds to where
you the character happen to be, not where the scanner window is looking. So it's really only about as useful as the cloud breath clue we've always had.
Chapter 10: I Can't Believe It's Not BOO-tter
Ken Ham: "You want
what now?"
Bouncer: "Poltergeist parts"
Ken: "Poltergeist parts? Why...
How does that even work? They're spectral,
immaterial even! That's the whole fucking reason that ectoplasmic residue even means anything, as it's the only direct physical evidence of spirits influencing the physical world! You wouldn't bloody well be interested in whether or not haunted jizz exists if the poltergeist itself were an object with mass and volume!"
Bouncer: "There's only one way to get poltergeist parts, and that's from a dead poltergeist."
Ken: "L-
That doesn't even make any sense! I've already killed a couple of these things, and NOTHING is left behind! I have photographic proof that they just disappear like a wet fart in a mudslide! There's nothing to pick up!"
Bouncer: "Heh, not my problem if you're not feeling up to it. If you want that book, you'll have to get hunting bro..."
Ken: "
I KILL THESE THINGS FOR A BLOODY LIVING. PISS OFF."
After finally getting around Ken Ham's inherent vexation over the concept of physical evidence, we head out to a random house and get ready to faff around a bit and inevitably get brutally murdered. Again.
But first, we've got some new
necroCryptonomicon entries!
Flipping through listings on Dumbtree Australia, we find a suitably haunted location available for rent. Partially floored, electrical not included, security deposit non-negotiable. Has broadband, if one's definition of "broadband" is a broad band of potential meanings. $3000 a month. It's perfect!
Alas... Another house, another haphazard parking job.
Skillfully dodging the local termite infestation, we carefully lunge our way through the corridors and hunt for some clues while waiting for the shit to inevitably root the Cuisinart. The kitchen counter begins screaming "Old McDonald" at us in reverse. It is added to the mixtape.
"Pots and pans may break my bones, but words will never, uh... Words will never... Fail me!"
We then get properly acquainted with the locals when the TV summons wombats from the abyss, and we take a little damage. No biggie. It's what bandages are for.
And then we immediately get hit with a momma rat and her five billion ratlings, and I end up aggroing a couple emus while I'm dealing with rat attacks from all directions. I did this by accidentally dodge-rolling into a room
I'd already explored, causing them to spawn in the corners. This was all made extra-fun by the fact that I'd received a ghast caution, and had to stay within close proximity to my laser tripwire. Which was in a very open, poorly-defensible location because you specifically want easy access to it when the shit goes down.
Taking a few too many emu slaps while rats nibbled my ankles, I was forced to use a syringe for mid-combat healing. The double-encounter was otherwise completed without incident, and we were prepped and ready to take on the rest of the house.
...what's that, children? We used a stim syringe and now we have roughly 20% less health? We're handicapped for the rest of the level, including the boss fight that we're here for?
Yep! That's absolutely right! Since we dared to use mid-combat healing before the bossfight, we've now pretty much ruined our chances of defeating the boss. So we're just gonna leave and go somewhere else while the drugs wear off.
New house,
who dis? new life! We boot our way through the tasteful double doors indicative of every single Adelaide residential property, and are immediately accosted by a pack of ferocious paintings. After firmly riddling the
Art Noobeau with buckshot, we skillfully dodge a few termites and follow a breadcrumb of runes to the kitchen stove, which appears to be cooking up some ectoplasm in the kettle.
"I like my women how I like my ectoplasm...
Provable through science.
By this time we've worked out that the monster in this house is a Kelpie. Yes, apparently we have those in Australia, too. Kelpies are generally considered the "easiest" of the boss types to destroy, and as such getting pulverized by them is just that much more humiliating. We've also found OUR FIRST "RARE" CLUE!
FUCKING FINALLY. It's only been [checks Steam] 57 hours! Now I can finally get rid of those detective skills and plug the points into pure beef instead... It's strange what Steam Achievements will do to a man.
We then get accosted by rats, make a couple dumb moves and get an in-house pedicure, but it's all good in the neighborhood and we manage to come out on top of the ordeal after just using a few bandages.
And then, luck of all lucks, we actually manage to snag the ghast! Cheeky little bugger tried teleporting in front of me while I was running, but only managed to 'port his dumb self directly into the tripwire. The house is now ready for a proper cleaning!
"Lemme just check the cushions... Oh hey, a noose! I wonder how long that's been in there?"
A warmcold chair is apprehended for rope. The linoleum zombies start a mosh pit. Some shattered glass is found hidden underneath some shattered floorboards, and this is somehow considered significant for our investigation. Snakes involve themselves.
After clearing out the house, we get to work gearing up for the big fight. Kelpies, like many aquatic horse spirits, will protect themselves with ablative shells. Naturally you can only break these shells by using explosive gas canisters, which will gently burn the defenses away and leave the succulent merhorse meat exposed and vulnerable.
Carefully checking our notes, we determine that this is an
Atomic Sub-Sonic Kelpie. The book suggests we bring whiskey. I agree.
"Sub-Sonic transfusion leaves the poltergeist practically blind, making a muzzle brake useless." Uh. Okay then. And since it's got super-duper hearing as well, that means we need to use a suppressor... Which... Yeah, because something with precision hearing definitely isn't going to notice the noise a suppressor makes when firing. Total stealth. As opposed to putting some kinda trumpet attachment to amplify the sound and disorient the thing's only method of navigation. Makes sense.
We've also been advised to equip a laser sight "for cqb advantage". No, the letters aren't capitalized. I don't really even know what the idea was supposed to be here.
Dragging the pressurized gas canisters out of the van, we make sure to customize them by just jacking directly into the house's gas line. The book states that this kind of Kelpie is specifically vulnerable to explosions from canisters that contain a combined gas mixture of butane at 150 PSI and propane at 525 PSI.
...no, really. That's how you tweak gas canisters for specific Kelpie types. You define the pressure of the butane and propane. This somehow makes a difference to the ghosts. So 250 PSI butane and 625 PSI propane would do effectively fuckall to this
Atomic Sub-Sonic, because it's not sensitive to those particular pressures of gas. The pressures of the gas inside the canister that can only explode and burn for a bit. Fuck it.
We also pack incendiary tracer bullets into both guns. While you might think that incendiary rounds could be useful against other critters, you would be wrong. IN rounds are specifically only used for damaging Kelpies, and have precisely zero special effect on any other enemy. They're also not actually tracer rounds, or at least no more than every other bullet type already is.
Now, the thing about gas canisters is that they're not activated like the UV floodlamps are activated. They're not remote-control. The canisters instead react to being shot at, turning into the ubiquitous "exploding red barrel" required in any half-decent shooter game. However, since they're not using the remote control scheme, we can use something else on that frequency instead... Something else that (I hypothesize) would very much like to play along with the big red barrels that occasionally get body-blocked by the boss's hitbox and can't be detonated because ha ha fuck you.
The faint red glow of happiness...With everything placed and our gear triple-checked, it's time for us to bite the bullet and ride the
pony lightning! Fire 'er up, boys!
That looks reasonably horse-shaped... Right?
It goes about as well as you'd expect.
Can't figure out what's happening? Yeah. Neither can I.
So, Kelpies charge. They stop, whinny, and then shoot off like a cannonball in your general direction while spreading goop everywhere and releasing shockwaves and also the roof falls on you.
Seems pretty reasonable, right? They telegraph their moves, so you should be able to just time your dodge roll around it, right? Well, sort of... Except it has different telegraph animations of varying length. But you can't really tell which one it's using, because it's a fucking spooky ghost and everything is lagging.
Anyways, the fight didn't last very long, but it was certainly a learning experience... Apparently, dynamite does NOT in fact cause gas canisters to explode! I, uh... Sure, why not? Bullets: Ignition, TNT: Ignoring. Also dynamite doesn't do anything to the boss either, the only thing I managed to do was waste about $1000 and rip off half my own health bar.
Kelpies are still fairly easy under most circumstances, especially considering that the gas canister traps actually deal a little damage themselves and are quite effective at reducing the poltergeist's defenses. After a lot of getting knocked around a
fascinating amount of hard drugs, we finally managed to best the beast... With only a sliver of our own health remaining.
You know what's really fun about Kelpies? When they die, they spew goo all around them. This is different from their normal goo in that it will rapidly eat away at your health regardless of protective equipment. You can only find this out by successfully killing a Kelpie, and then somehow understand why your health is still melting away while you're standing on the same goo that's been harmless and safely ignored this whole fight. It only took me dying to three Kelpies I'd already killed (and thereby losing 66.6% of the "killed the ghost" mission reward) before I worked out what was happening, so I think Mensa should reconsider rejecting my application.
"The
GOOOOOOO!"
Alright, so the obviously-incorporeal Kelpie died and vanished in a squirt of goo, so what exactly are we supposed to bring back to the dude? There's nothing here, and has never been any sort of body or item left over from killing a poltergeist in any previous-
...*sigh*
Yep, of course that just appeared in our pocket. Whatever. I don't care. Let's get back to the bar.
Bouncer: "So, you believe in physical evidence of deceased creatures now?"
Ken Ham: "No. While these parts may
look like physical evidence of deceased creatures, you'll find that they're actually clever forgeries that the devil put there."
Bouncer: "Whoah, those parts are fresh bro! These spooky bits will make for an
excellent dairy substitute! I'll go talk to Bishop about your book..."
Bouncer: "Alright, here you go. This book's extra dangerous, so make sure... I dunno how you're supposed to be careful around a book, actually. Don't skip to the end? Oh, and Bishop said he'd kill you if you lose it."
Ken: "Ta mate, see you round!"
With book in hand, we walk the five steps over to where Zoe is sitting and hand it to her.
Zoe: "Excellent, the Grimoire Leshii!"
Ken: "Yeah, I got it, don't even ask what I had to do to get it..."
Zoe: "...err, I already know what you had to do to get it. I've been here the entire time you were arguing with the bouncer. Are you high?"
Ken: "Whaddaya talkin' a-... Wait, fuck, why are there three of you? I think I need another stim..."
Zoe: "Right... Anyways, says right here in Index 5 that tattoo-related amnesia and nightmares can be cured using poltergeist ectoplasm."
Ken: "I thought you weren't into this occult stuff?"
Zoe: "While I did say that, I have never at any point acted in a way that would indicate that. Also this is definitely actually science rather than mumbo-jumbo, we just need to isolate some T-cells from the ectoplasm and then fuse them with some of your plasm, and the nightmares will be gone for good!"
Ken: "...wait, did you actually just say what I think you said?"
Zoe: "I'm afraid so."
And with that, we're done with our first plot-mandated poltergeist killing. Because "chunks" is the best way of proving you've busted a ghost. Next time around, we're going to do extreme science and probably fight another ghost, because what else even is HellSign?
Someday I'll have a room with soft white walls and a jacket to match, and I'll be able to thank this game for the help it provided in getting me there.
...
Author
Topic: HellSign Hunters: Australian Pest Control (Read 15039 times)