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[helmacon]

I have a problem.

When I was a kid, I was a really weird kid. I used to gather up the acorns every fall and put them in a pile on the two stone steps of the stone patio my dad built in our front yard. Then I would divide them into two groups, (usually two armies) and smash them one by one with a rock until I had smashed every single acorne in our yard. To anyone watching, it was just a kid sitting there smashing acorns one by one for hours on end, but to me, every action had a purpose. If an acorn got smashed, it was because another acorn had killed it. If that acorn shot an arrow or threw a spear, i found a twig and used that to split them open. I didn't have a way to model a sword, so I used a rock to create a suitably gory aftermath of a acorn being killed with a sword. Once I finished this, I would go around and gather up a few hundred more acorns for the next battle. In particularly acorn heavy seasons, I would spend days just collecting and then days just smashing. Point is, I was a weird kid. I would do a similar thing smashing carpenter ants for hours as they crawled in lines along our house.

I was a weird kid. I played by myself a lot. I had a few friends in elementary school, but then they either moved away or stopped being friends with me by second grade. In 4th grade I made another 2 friends, and that was it for a while. We were pretty good friends. At the end of 5th grade, one of them moved away. At the end of 6th grade, the other moved away. I had a few pseudo friends then. Well, one in particular, and i just fell into his friend group. We never hung out though. I'm really not sure to what degree we were really "friends". He said a lot of mean stuff, but so did everyone back then. I don't think I was ever bullied. Bullied implies some degree of violence. but I was always picked on. Always.

I remember in 8th grade when something changed. We were in the computer lab to write essays for our english teacher. I don't remember her name, but I remember we counted 213 cats in her classroom. 578 once we realized that her cat calendar literally had a cat for every day on it. We were in the computer lab and this girl emily asked me what my favorite color was. Emily had bangs and was pretty cute, and she went out with Collin Mantz. Collin was cool. He was a sports dude-bro, but he never picked on me.

Emily asked me what my favorite color was, and I said no. She asked me again, and I said "Why do you want to know?" she said "That's just how it works! Someone asks what you favorite color is, and you tell them. Then you ask what thier favorite color is, and they tell you, and then it just... flows from there. Then you just, have a conversation!"

I thought about it for a while, because I actualy didn't know that, and then I said "green." Then she left.

That started something though, cause I realized I actually didn't know how to have a conversation. I started watching people, and how other people would interact, and then i started mimicking them. I did it wrong a lot. I messed up a lot. But I learned really quickly, because I was doing it all day every day with every interaction. It was bad, but no worse than getting made fun of, and I was getting better. I was having awkward empty conversations instead of outright ridicule. I got really good at it. I could small talk like a normal person by high school. I was never perfect. I would say stuff a lot and people would react badly to it and I never understood why. Later I realized people thought it was mean. By the time I figured that out though, I was well enough known and accepted that when I would do that people would say "Don't get mad at him for that, thats just how Connor is." Actually, that only happened once. That was the time I realized people thought some of the stuff I said was mean. I got better though. I don't do that anymore. By the end of highschool, I could basically socialize normally.

That brings me to today. 3 years into college. I have a few friends here. Not many, a handful, enough for me though. The problem I'm having is the nature of relationships here. I can socialize easily enough, and get along with people, but its different than my friends back in high school. I think because the people I knew in highschool also knew me in middle school. They saw me change, and learn to communicate. They knew where I was coming from, and actualy got who I was.

Here, interaction feels shallow. People can relate to me easily enough, but I feel like I can't really relate to people. I might have said that backwards. That saying is a little ambiguous. I can maintain the semblance of friendship with people easily enough, but I feel like no one really gets me here. It's a weird situation too. You can go from not being able to communicate to being able to communicate, and people will celebrate your growth. If you go from able to communicate to aloof, people have already characterized you as the same kind of person they are, and it's seen as a behavioral change. You're just acting weird.

It's not exactly as if I could just flip a switch and go back to acting like me either. At this point, the way I translate my ideas into a form of speech that comfortably fits societal norms is just reflexive anyways. Therein lies the problem. The way I express is tailored to be least abrasive to social norms, and the easiest for other people to access. It is not an optimal method for expressing my own ideas or feelings.

I want to be able to actualy connect to people again, and I don't know how to do that. The one friend I did have that I could connect to was because of our english class. We both had an english class together, and the class forced us to read each others poetry, or stories on the regular. We shared some really private stuff in that class. We actually connected. Now, when we hang out, it just shallow social interaction. I no longer have that tool that allowed me to circumnavigate social constraints and connect with her.

I no longer have anyone I can really connect with. I want that. I maybe even need that, but I don't know how to go about it. That is my problem.

[heydude6]

I don’t know if I should be the first one to reply since I’m not the expert on this kind of stuff, but it’s been a day and the fact that no one replied to your post is tragic.

Like I said before, I’m not an expert, but I do know some things. First, this is not a problem caused by you and your weirdness, this something everyone has to deal with. Everyone struggles to find someone to connect with. Those popular people who have tons of friends surrounding them are only really close with 1 or 2 of them. A lot of the time, they’re close to none of them and their real friends are outside of school/college/work.

Second, it’s very rare to find someone who truly gets you. Almost all people you end up connecting with will only sort of get you. You won’t notice it too often but the stuff they won’t get about you will really grate your nerves. If you found some who does truly get you, it’s likely that if you just give them enough time you’ll realize that they too only sort of get you. I love my friends a lot for example but I can’t say they truly understand me.

So how do people normally deal with this sort of stuff then? Well a few ways actually: they appreciate the few close friends they have, when their friends are unavailable they tough emotional problems  out on their own, and they enjoy the shallow socializing because that stuff is fun to them.

But your problem is not that you don’t have many close friends, it’s that you don’t have any. So for more specific advice I’d say this:

First, try to get back in touch with your old friends over the phone or online. If that isn’t an option, then I think the girl in English class would be your best bet.

Most people share things with people who they are comfortable with. Since she shared with you in the past, she is likely still comfortable unless something happened to change that.

So next time you see her, try sharing something with her right off the bat. Start with the small talk but quickly after that try to switch to something more substantial. How you do it depends on what exactly you want to talk about. Take politics for example.

You: Hi

Her: Hi

You: How you doing <insert name here>?

Her: Fine helmacon. How about you?

You: I’m fine. (From here smalltalk ends) Have you heard about the latest thing Donald Trump did?

Alternatively she’ll say

Her: Fine.

You: Have you heard about the latest thing Donald Trump did?

Her: Yeah, it’s so stupid. Can you believe he actually nuked North Korea?

You: I know, it’s terrible....

And from there you begin to have a discussion on the North Korea situation.

Alternatively she’ll say something like

Her: No I haven’t

And from there you begin to have a discussion on the North Korea situation

Worse case scenario is if she just says:

Her: Yes

This kills a conversation very easily since it doesn’t provide you with anything to build on. She likely isn’t very interested in the topic and you should probably change the subject.

Of course, you’ll have to come up with your own method depending on what you want to talk about, but I need to share a few key things. When you first bring up the issue, try to relate it to the present somehow. Eg. You want to talk about your childhood. “I’ve been looking back recently...”. Second, things will almost never go according to plan! People are not predictable and you’ll get a response that you didn’t expect. You have to be able to adapt to these changes.

Last and most important of all, not everyone can be connected with. There are some people that you have nothing in common with that you won’t be able to build a strong relationship with. You might get along with them fine but you’ll never truly get close. This is where your strangeness will cause problems. It’s possible that all the people you’ve talked with so far simply aren’t the right ones for you. I’m not saying your friends should be perfect, but you can only compromise so much.

Anyway that’s all I have to say on the matter for now. I hope some of this will help.

[ChairmanPoo]

If you really want to physically connect, you'll need these

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Avarice]

Damn beat me to it

[Trapezohedron]

Connecting to people is easier if you can ask good probing questions. Like the aforementioned politics sample, but given its volatility in America, and if you live there as well, I strongly advise against it. Now, to every communication, there should be a 'shallow' opening. This is an icebreaker filler - one that needs to be said to ease both your audience and yourself to the two-way communication. This would also determine your tone.

Now, imagine as if I'm talking to you right now, and if I asked you what's up,  that's still a good filler.

You might tell me you're good, or you're doing something. I could ask you further what you have been doing these past few days. You might tell me in this case you're having trouble connecting to people. I would then ask why. Then you explain what you explained in the first post. During this stage, I would be giving you verbal nods to keep your attention, that I am indeed listening. Uhuh. Now, after you explain, you're now free to put in your opinion. Test the water with something soft first. I believe that I'm also having a hard time connecting to people myself in all honesty as well; people talk about things that don't interest me, or I feel outdated. I think there's a few ways we can get around this though, like learning what they're all talking about, seeping ourselves in it, or by simply learning more things to talk about if ever you, or your audience just nods.

This is the part where you give your opinion, or you (dis)agree.

Then it either becomes a volley of opinions fired back and forth against each other, or you either open up a new topic, which is admittedly hard, or you comfort or give the next person some assurance that they'll get over it.

Personally as well, moving to your next topic, if you're worried about friends, I don't think they're that important. However, in the business world though, you should consider at least 'befriending' people in a casual format, because you will need their help later if you need references. You might ask then why. This is another topic you then opened up if we were to switch the roles right now, and of course, I would tell you that, yes, you need them because other companies basically demand to have some evidence against you that you're the studious employee that you claim to be. So, I would say you should make 'flat' relationships, even if it feels odd. You don't have to be in regular contact; just respect the other person and also talk to them somewhat. You have no problems with that as you said.

Not everything has to be non-superficial.