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[sakiskid]

This is a simple RTD game I'm setting up for my two good friends. There aren't any more slots available, so just sit back and watch.


RULES:
-Typical 1-6 rolls
-If you're skilled in something, you get +1 to all rolls using that skill. Example, jumping over fences or mind control.

RULES CONTINUED: MECHANICS
- DEATH'S DOOR: Being seriously injured, failing an extremely critical roll, or another player rolling perfectly against you can all trigger deaths door. Roll a 5-6 to avoid this being triggered. Being seriously injured or rolling a 1 while on death's door will bring you closer and closer to death. On the third strike, you're out. You can get out of death's door by healing yourself if you're mortally wounded, or getting out of the currently dangerous situation.





You awake in your home, a cabin in the middle of the woods. Everything is fine and dandy! Your horse-body (you're a centaur) sleeps happily in your horse bed with your horse family in the other rooms. You drift into sleep...

You awake to the smell of burnt hair. You get out of your horse bed and head over to your nightstand. You reach inside and grab the three things most important to you. Your joints, your flaming sword, and your trusty rusty multiverse portalgun. You walk outside into the livingroom. ORCS! You stab on in the heart with your sword, and he screams in pain. He looks like he can't believe you've done this. You slice up and rip him in half, and turn to the other orc and with the precision of a surgeon slice him into 16 different pieces, your flaming sword searing and cooking him.

With the orcs taken care of, you run to your family in the other rooms.
Dead.
They're all dead.

You know where the orc capital is. You have a gut feeling you want to run over there and kill every orc you see. You swear you will enact revenge on these damn orcs! ...or not. Maybe you want to fuck around and go back to your centaur kingdom and transform everyone into centaur slaves so you become the overlord of all horses. Or maybe you want to travel to the human realm and wreak massive havoc on everything.

The world is in the palm of your hands in...


The Grand Misadventures
of
Two Dumbasses
Starring...
Heather as Klapotamus The Eternally High
and...
Tyler as Some Lilbitch

[sakiskid]

Ok well first I was going to blurry my recently decised family in the back yard. And plant a weed plant in their memory

[4] You take your family out back and dig up 4 nice holes for them. One for Jimbo, Jimbob, Jimmy Bobby, and Harrison. You turn around to your garden and take the last of your weed seeds and plant some in memoriam. You know it will grow into a giant weed plant, and their souls will live on forever in Ganja!

[sakiskid]

Ok now I want to go scout the orc kingdom. Look for a secret way in or something

[3] You begin to travel to the orc kingdom and are making good progress when a group of 2 travelers stop you on the road. They tell you they want payment for the toll, and that if you don't comply they're going to cut off your hooves and sell them on the horse black market! One of the bandits is a tall ugly man who only has 3 teeth, and the other is a short round man with braces.

[sakiskid]

Ok I say "I'm not paying your damn troll toll." I know they are not trolls. But whatever. Then I attack them with my sword

[3] You attack the tall ugly one with your sword! [Ugly man dodges! 1] He isn't able to step out of the way fast enough and you cut open his stomach and his disgusting guts fly out everywhere!

[4] You turn to the other one and sneer. [Round man composure: 5] He isn't scared at all, and charges at you with a dagger he pulls from his pouch.

[Klapotamus dodges! 1] You aren't able to move out of the way fast enough and he sticks the dagger deep into your front right leg. You whinny in pain and turn around to horse-kick him in the chest. [6] You rear your back legs and KICK! You knock both of his arms off with either leg and they fly into the distance. He falls on his knees and begins to cry and beg for you to spare his life. He stops crying and thinks for a minute.

"Actually no, I want you to kill me. My favorite past time was robbing people on this road and I don't even have the arms to do it! Please, end me!"



You consider sparing him, but something comes out of his chest! It's the sword belonging to a handsome traveler who you recognize as your friend Some Lilbitch! He pulls the sword out of the mans chest, kicks him over, and impales him on the ground and leans his elbow on his sword.

[sakiskid]

"thank you Lil bitch for coming to my aid. But clearly I had this under control."
But I invite him on my quest anyway

By the way, Lilbitch is a lion-person with a long tail and retractile claws. He has a damn fine mane and despite his name does not take any shit.

The two of you head towards the Orc kingdom.

You arrive there without encountering any further obstacles. Reaching the front gate, two Orc guards wielding battleaxes stop you.

"Halt. The Orc kingdom does not take in visitors, and besides that point Orcs and Centaurs have been waging war for centuries. Why shouldn't I just cut the two of you down right now?"

[sakiskid]

Ok so I'll tell the orcs I have no quarrel with them (that's a lie. I hate them) but I don't want to make a big scene and draw attention so I calmly offer them a joint

[4] You offer them one of your joints you keep in your satchel. They look hesitant but take it and light it up, bro. They puff puff pass with eachother, and seem a little more mellow but still do not let you in.

"We appreciate the peace offering, and we'll make good use of it. But we're still not letting you in. We'll just let you leave without taking your lives. Ha. Ha. Hahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA."

They bust into laughter and can't stop laughing. They wipe a tear from their eyes and chuckle some more.

Then I want to ride on her into the orc capital

[4] You mount Klopotamus while this is happening, and she looks back at you like, what the fuck are you doing dude?

[sakiskid]

I then kick her in the side and say "mush"
And roar to let everyone know that I'm coming
Because the king of the jungle is here!
And everyone needs to bow down before me

[5] Your roar is FIERCE and everyone at the front of the Orc Kingdom hears it. If you were trying to attract attention, you have done so.
You also manage to scare the guards and startle them. (-1 to their next action)

God dammit haha I open a portal to the ocean and kick the laughing guards threw it

[4] You shoot a portal under the guards orc feet.
[Portal 4] Your portal is a portal to the nearest Ocean, 2 miles away from any shore.

[Guard 1 dodges! 3 -startled] He doesn't even realize what kind of device your holding, and falls immediately as the portal hits the ground beneath him. His screams grow distant and you hear a splash, followed by some more splashes and the sound of a great struggle. Then it's just the soft sound of air bubbles popping as they hit the surface of the water.

[Guard 2 dodges! 5 -startled] The second guard is a little smarter. He realizes the device you have is some sort of weapon, and jumps away from it to your side. He charges you with his battleaxe and swings!

[Klapotamus dodges! 1] You takes a battleaxe to the arm, and the weapon nearly severs it. It's entirely useless and dangling by muscles and skin. You whinny and rear back!

[Lilbitch tries to hold on! 5] You're able to hold onto Klap's shoulders and don't fall off. Instead, it puts you in a better position to attack the guard! You extend your steel-tipped claws and slash at the guard.

[Guard 2 dodges! 5] He ducks under your claws and gets ready to attack again. This guy just won't give up.

[sakiskid]

Okay I'm going to shoot a orange portal at the nearest guard tower and a blue one under us

You do just that. A you launch your portals and they land exactly where you wanted them to! Both of you fall down into it and land on the stony ground in the tower. There's a guard there with a bow and arrow, but he's facing away from you.
[HOOVES ARE LOUD: 5] Somehow, Klap lands softly without making any noise.

So I'm going to buck this Lil bitch off my back and send him flying twords the remaining guard

[5] ...but stealth doesn't matter at all when you're flying towards a guard. You rear quickly and send Lilbitch directly at the guard with the bow and arrow. He's oblivious until he gets hit in the back with a giant catman. He goes flying off the edge!

[Bow Guard tries to hold on! 4 --surprised] He flies off the edge but manages to grab a lip on the tower. He holds on for dear life! His bow falls down to the ground below.

[Lilbitch tries to hold on! 2 +catlike reflexes] You also try to hold on but the force of Klap's buck sends you flying off the tower. You're in midair now, falling to the ramparts below (they're around 15 feet down.)

[sakiskid]

Then I'm going to get back into the tower
And then follow her

[6 +catlike reflexes] You land on your feet and climb your way back up the side of the tower. You are climbing so fast you run into Klapotamus and almost fall into her portal!
[Balance: 4 +catlike reflexes] You are able to twist yourself around the way that felines can and keep your hold onto the tower, not falling into her portal.

I'm going to an alternative universe hospital to get a robot arm. I'll be back for tyler later

You open a portal to another universe under you. [1] You can see that it's a dark, scary place with very dim streetlights in a human neighborhood. You decide not to go into it, because that's not what you asked for at all. As you back up, you're hit from behind and pushed towards the portal!
[Got that balance? 6] You are able to prevent yourself from falling in that scary ass world. You pull out your pipe and take a hit. You feel good.

(+1 to next action)

[sakiskid]

Heather: I buck tyler into the portal

[6] You turn away from him and kick the living shit out of him, and he flies backwards into the portal... BUT

Tyler: I dig my claws into her so I don't fall off

[4] You are able to grab onto Klapotamus. Given how hard she kicked you, you don't stop flying backwards. But now you're holding onto her as well. You both fall backwards into the portal, down onto the cold hard asphalt below.



The air is brisk and cool. On either side of the street are houses, all cookie-cutter and are shaped the same. You look down the road, and it doesn't seem to end in either direction. The street lamps are on, but they cover very little area. Each lamp is lighting up a 5-10 foot diameter circle, and they are spaced around 15 feet apart. In between those is absolute darkness.

You both hear something skitter behind you. You can't make it out in the dark... It's a monkey! It runs at the two of you and tries to swipe some things. [2] It isn't able to get anything except for a joint from Klapotamus.

You both notice something a few streetlights away. It's a giant disgusting shell creature. It begins to skitter towards you, QUICKLY.




Giant creature looks like this. 8-10 feet tall, 15 feet long.

[sakiskid]

Heather: Ok cool. Then I'll just chop my arm off.

[4] You slice the rest of your arm off with your flaming sword and cauterize the bleeding. It hurts like a motherfucker and you whinny in pain!

Tyler: I want to throw Heather into the bug

[5] You get under Klapotamus and pick her up over your shoulders. She freaks out, but you are able to pick her up and chunk her towards the bug as it's skittering towards the two of you. She lands a couple meters away just as the bug reaches her. It attacks.
[Bug attacks! 2] It uses one of it's long carapace armored arms and extends it very quickly, like a mantis attacking its prey. The bugs arm hits the ground right next to Klop, creating a giant crater in the concrete. It gets ready to attack again.

[sakiskid]

[4] Klop swings the flaming red sword at the bug's legs, and slices the front 2 (out of off! It hisses and clicks its front mandibles together. It rears up to strike, but before it can attack Lil Bitch sees a bright red light coming from Klop's sword. He instinctively jumps at the sword [1] and misses it entirely, landing in the mouth of the bug!

The bug CHOMPS down onto Bitch, and [5] he's able to resist the strength of its jaw! He's on his back, holding the mouth apart with his arms. He meows in pain as the bug continues to crunch down on him!