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[Mesa]

So for the longest time in my life I never really questioned my sexual or gender identity - I saw myself as male and straight and didn't really distinguish between sexual and romantic orientation.

However, for a nondescript amount of time now, and especially the past couple of weeks, I've started to question that and try to move away from it.
See, I was never into the idea of sex at all - it might be some event that I don't feel like talking about on here that I experienced when my age was a single digit (not, I wasn't sexually abused although it might have been close, even if people I talked about that to said it was not and that it was fine), but I'm just really repulsed and disgusted by the idea of sex and don't experience any desire or attraction to people based on that.
Sure I jack off sometimes and have sexual fantasies but zero desire to make them a reality.

So in that regard, I'm pretty much asexual, or apothisexual which I learned is a term that exists, for sex-repulsed asexuality specifically.

However I still evidently experience some kind of romantic attraction towards girls/women, even if I'm not at all in the market for having sexual intercourse, even if some people would probably tell me "Don't write it off until you try it!" or whatever...
So in that sense, I'm heteroromantic, I guess?

Now, gender is a fun one - again, for the longest while I thought I was male, and physically am and probably will be as I'm not particularly interested in transitioning, at least not right now, partly because I'm just kind of anxious of the idea of undergoing HRT and all the legal nonsense and whatnot; not to mention the fact I haven't talked to anyone in my family about that yet, and probably couldn't afford it either.

But I'm just...I'm not very masculine at all, and my demeanor always seemed vaguely feminine, but not eough to make me feel like "I am a woman in a man's body." or whatever it is that trans people say (which...err, I don't mean it in an ignorant way like that, I apologize if it came out as loosely transphobic).
So I just kind of feel like I fall outside of the male/female gender binary, and am currently trying to get used to that idea by moving away from using he/him/his pronouns when referring to myself, in favor of they/them/theirs pronouns (which I came out to a couple of my online friends to and on the internet at large, but not so much in real life); the problem with trying to do that in real life is that Polish is a very...gendered language and there is effectively no appropriate gender-neutral singular pronoun for me to use (it/its/its kind of exists but that feels...dehumanizing? Objectifying? Not something I identify with, at least, even though I know some nonbinary people do in fact use that pronoun set.).

I wonder how much of this is tied to the fact I'm pretty much certainly neurodivergent, and I don't exactly know what the purpose of this thread here even is, because I know it's fine to 'question' my own identity and 'experiment' and "see what feels right"; I guess I am looking for some feedback from other agender/nonbinary folk on here on the matter - trans or not.

(Also right now my identity does not at all translate to my outside appearance, I'm as painfully nerdy male as I've always been, and I don't know if/how I'd go around changing that, even if, again, I know it's purely my own choice to do anything with it.)

[Shook]

Well, there are effeminate males and masculine females; you don't have to be a huge bearded lumberjack to be male, and you don't have to be a dainty princess to be female. That said, i will of course respect if you still don't feel like either gender, i'm just saying that they are actually very broad categories. I definitely lean towards the more feminine side of males, even though i do enjoy a good round of testosterone poisoning in video games. I'm very sensitive and emotional, my artings primarily focus on expressions and sorta cute animals and i am almost completely uninterested in loud cars. In fact, i enjoy it when people step out of the traditional gender roles!

Anyhoo, this is about you, not me. If you're a(pothi)sexual, that's fine, i know others like that. You don't HAVE to have sex, it's merely the natural way of reproduction, and nowadays, there are ways around that, if you should want it. I personally don't understand the whole "i'm not male or female" deal, but there are SO MANY things i don't understand, and that doesn't necessarily make them any less real. So, if you want to be genderfluid or agender or whichever of the many choices there are, be my guest. If people don't respect (or worse, actively disrespect) you for being yourself, fuck those people (... metaphorically). As i like to say, you're the one who has to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so you might as well be comfortable with yourself, right?

[wierd]

I understand what he is getting at, as I have exactly the same internal view.  Internally, I am essentially genderless, and am repulsed by the idea of sex. Externally, I am male.

There is tremendous pressure by society for physiological males to act masculine-- something I have no interest in-- or, they are considered homosexual-- which I am not.

Instead, I am simply not interested in any of those things, and so have no interest in investing any time or energy into such behaviors that I do not experience innately. It is not a difficult concept, but many people are unable to adjust to the idea that somebody can have no internal gender.

It sounds like maks is of a similar persuasion.

[uber pye]

a couple of weeks ago, as a fun though experiment and because words are hard and math is easy to me, i made mathematical, vector representation of sex and gender. here's how it works:

your gender and sexuality are a N dimensional vector S, where N is some large but not infinite number, where (using underline to denote a vector and strike through to denote a basis vector)

S = @ X chromosome + $ Y chromosome + a sex with masculine + b sex with feminine + c is masculine + d is feminine + ...

where @ = 1,2, or 3; $ = 0,1, or 2; and a,b,c,d,... are any real number

its weird and might not help, but it help me understand this shit.

[Heron TSG]

I'm not sure about vectorizing it, but I've thought a whole lot about sexuality and gender, myself! I thought so hard about it that I almost entirely disappeared from here for most of two years. I was born as a boy, and treated like a regular 'ol straight dude for much of my life. Since puberty, when I discovered that my body was changing in ways that _freaked me the fuck out_, I've had thoughts of transitioning. I've always been more feminine than masculine, though there are some masculine traits to my personality. (Mostly due to left-over toxic masculinity, which isn't very neat.) I have a hard time letting other people do stuff for me, for example.

For a long time I thought I was asexual, of the sex-repulsed kind. Turns out I mostly just hate the idea of using my present 'stuff' for it. I'm still not super attracted to anyone, but the idea of sex that doesn't involve my junk in any way doesn't really bother me. (In fact, it'd be kind of neat to try sometime? Haven't explored that yet.)

It's entirely cool to be nonbinary! The primary 2 genders don't fit everyone.

Let me know if you have any questions about a trans perspective on things, though I can only really speak for myself.

[Tiruin]

I'm falling in with Barbarossa, but I'd like to note that the title is VERY, VERY biased from a personal viewpoint onto a presumed objective viewpoint. Please change it. -_-
My :I'ness comes from the idea that it doesn't seem like there has been professional advice into this and moreso personal feelings--a personal perspective is important, but there is a very important note of self-awareness and that one's own dialogue with themselves can pre-empt or be contextualized to their experiences (and that the word used may not be more precise), so others' advice would be very important--moreso that of a professional.

There's also the notice that in regards to sexuality, this feeling (rather than it being itself) may change over time due to both biological aspects of people's feelings, and other factors--this however doesn't mean that sexuality can be changed. :O

In regards to neurodiversity; it's not directly tied to it. But I'm not studying within the neurological area--just the psychological. x.x
Also do note that asexuality != !sex, as it's more a neutrality towards it before any ideas above the notion come forward. I'm ace!

[Heron TSG]

Well, I suppose what I said isn't entirely true. Before I started HRT, I found myself mostly (physically) interested in women, albeit never with the idea of sex in mind. Post-HRT, I find myself experiencing less of that, but within the past few months I've found myself attracted to men, too. I'm not sure that really counts as my sexuality changing, per se. I think there was always the seed of that attraction somewhere within me, repressed under a mountain of other stuff.

My running theory is that I was socialized towards understanding what's attractive about women, without really feeling it much myself. Then, later, I realized that I've always thought dicks were kinda neat. The fact that I suddenly find the smell of men attractive rather than repulsive is probably an endocrine thing.

Sexuality's an interesting thing, now that I've taken any interest in it. I'm 22 and just now figuring out what physical attraction feels like and means to me.

[spümpkin]

I don't personally know where I sit, although I know despite rarely experiencing sexual attraction that I am very passionate about things regarding sex (pun intended.) I think that's really a personal/relationship thing, and should predominantly matter in situations with a potential partner. If you feel a need to come out, go ahead, but if it isn't safe there's nothing wrong with waiting for an appropriate context.

Gender is a very tricky issue, and I've done decent research into it myself (when trying to figure out my trans-stuffs :v), and I still think of it as an overly complex issue to approach. I think that whatever works best for each individual is what they should work with, and you shouldn't feel pressured to change your body if you feel like acting a certain way. Pronouns are really just like nicknames. You just ask someone to refer to you in a certain way, and if they don't then... they're lacking some fundamental respect v:<

But yeah, sexuality means a lot of different things for a lot of different people (e.g. my sexuality mostly revolves around my position in an encounter), so it's really an open field.

((Do agree with Tir tho, maybe change thread titel :x))

[TheBiggerFish]

Hiya.

First off, I wish you the best of luck with all this stuff.  Second off...Well, honestly, while I think I know where I stand...At least mostly...This thread sounds like it has a lot of informative musing in it.

[Mesa]

So some time has passed, and ultimately I think that...I'm fine with the idea that I might just be "male but not masculine" or "somewhat effeminate male" - I still think gender is one giant F-word (and I'm not talking about the Babybird song that was used in the intro of that one Gordon Ramsay show of the same name), I think I've come to terms with that, at least for now.
(ergo, I'm dropping they/them usage.)

Thanks for all the input y'all have given me here in the meantime!