Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

Author Topic: Short story: A duel between masters  (Read 789 times)

zubb2

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Short story: A duel between masters
« on: August 26, 2016, 06:30:17 pm »

I wrote this little story.
What do you think?

Edit: Multiple drafts.
Draft 1
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Draft 2
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: August 31, 2016, 06:28:51 pm by zubb2 »
Logged
(Anyone else have any stories that can compare to a man being beaten to death with his own trousers by a giant gopher?)
(when goblins showed up, I mumbled "Smithers! Release the hounds!" and had the lever pulled.)

FallacyofUrist

  • Bay Watcher
  • Blatant furry. Also a hypnotist.
    • View Profile
Re: Short story: A duel between masters
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2016, 01:17:19 pm »

Good storyline, in my opinion. But if you wish to improve the story itself further, look within the spoiler below.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Logged
FoU has some twisted role ideas. Screw second-guessing this mechanical garbage spaghetti, I'm basing everything on reads and visible daytime behaviour.

Would you like to play a game of Mafia? The subforum is always open to new players.

zubb2

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Short story: A duel between masters
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2016, 06:25:20 pm »

Hey Fallacy of Urist, I looked at the corrections you made and made some changes. I think it is better than it was.
Thanks for the help, that was a good edit you did. If you feel like looking again then here it is.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I did keep a few bits though.
Logged
(Anyone else have any stories that can compare to a man being beaten to death with his own trousers by a giant gopher?)
(when goblins showed up, I mumbled "Smithers! Release the hounds!" and had the lever pulled.)

RoseHeart

  • Bay Watcher
  • 🛡️ Shiny Knight
    • View Profile
    • Forum Game Portfolio
Re: Short story: A duel between masters
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2016, 10:27:01 am »

(He actually lived, right riiiiight?)
Logged
May your dreams be everlasting and golden.
Confidence doesn't come from success, it comes from surviving failure. —Dr. K

Infinityforce

  • Bay Watcher
  • NOW I AM ONE WITH THE COSMOS
    • View Profile
Re: Short story: A duel between masters
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2016, 05:31:03 pm »

Good story, and details, but the ending was not very good.

But perhaps that is because I subscribe to both schools and favour neither.

If anything, the master dodger should have proved "If you can't hit it, what's the point in hitting?"