It HABBENED!
I ended up being chosen as team leader for Red team. Birthday-boy got team Captain for Red. I managed to get my hands on two people I knew for a fact can shoot straight (and were both wearing full camouflage) and well. I also got my crush on my team (one of the Snipers' best friends). Then I got Birthday-boy's dad and two randoms (One of these randoms turned out to be vital)
We were on a map called 'The gauntlet' where you had to rush down a narrow alleyway (read: you were easy targets for the peoples in the house) and then across an equal distance of fairly-OK cover and storm a house, game ending when someone waves their hand out the top window. We defended first and lasted a good fiveish minutes before we were overwhelmed (we only had 5 hit points and no lives, they had 5 HP and could run back to a medic box to respawn. They took the course slowly, taking the medibox forward with them while we shot the shit out of them. Eventually they overwhelmed us (no respawns 4 me) and we had to beat their time.
Round start and I get in the sniper box before the alleyway entrance, I pick off three people, get hit once and all of a sudden our guns announce to us that 'Mission complete!' Someone on Red team (our team, attacking) had dashed straight past everyone, upstairs and shoved his hand out the window in 23 seconds, beating the previous record of 1:00. It was one of the randoms that I had chosen because no-one I knew was left. He earned the nickname 'Twinkle-toes' and was bought a pair of ballerina slippers as a reward after the match.
They got us back in 'Blackhawk Down'. We had to get our team member out of a mock-up helicopter and get said team member back to our spawn point. However, having a team member in the heli was optional. We attacked first (attacking means getting team member/inanimate object OUT of the chopper) and did it in a reasonable time with a team member in the heli. Then we defended and they chose to have an inanimate object as their 'trapped teammate' (said inanimate object was a yellow vest). They took a leaf out of Twinkle-Toes' book and sprinted for the heli, opening the door and running with the yellow vest back to their spawn, even after the runner lost all his 'HP'
They also got us in the Western Town mockup. The defenders had to stop the attackers from grabbing the bag of 'loot' from the bank and running to spawn with it. They blitzed it (again) and dropped the loot on the way to spawn, while still somehow being able to have that classed as a victory. When we attacked, the attackers were limited to 1HP while the defenders still had 5 or ten (I can't remember which) and it was complete stagnation. We could respawn, but we weren't allowed to move the medibox so half the time we were spawn-camped with 1HP.
In the map called 'Berlin', one team (Mine) was split into two groups at either end of the map. The three-man team (Me, my Crush and my Crush's best friend (I was shitting my pants here, and it wasn't Blue team making me shit myself either)) were trapped in a 'Bunker' representing a historically inaccurate Hitler&generals holding out while being rescued by reinforcements. After having problems with our guns not reloading, Twinkle-Toes and Birthday-Boy's father arrive outside the bunker, eliminates a camper sitting outside the bunker and opens the door of the bunker for us and we run back to spawn. I put two people to 0HP on my way back.
The day ended up in a Free-for-all which really was secret-teams. After coordinating with one of my snipers and the medic/communicator for my team (I brought radios along!), the sniper and communicator dug in under a tree while I dug in behind a rock to pop anyone sneaking up behind them. Someone snuck up on me and I was alerted by the communicator through the radio. pop went the weasel as I shot the guy who snuck up on me. When I died I joined the spectators, who were trying in vain to respawn at the medibox (the Ref had disabled the box's respawn function) and my gun must have glitched out because it rebooted and loudly announced 'Respawned' to me. The ref told me to have another go and I ended up eliminating the guy who popped me.
On the way between two of the maps, we (Red team) went into a cadence for a bit, here's what I invented-ripped-off [Square brackets are the echo]:
"Left right left right"
"Left right left right" (First two lines are to get everyone into rhythm, step and time)
"We'll go to the place where the Blue team stays," [We'll go to the place where the Blue team stays!]
"Kick in the door and throw in a grenade!" [Kick in the door, throw in a grenade] (People ended up tossing around unburst paintballs on the ground, calling them grenades)
"In Delta formation, we jog today," [In Delta formation, we jog today,] (We were actually in a delta formation)
"Controlled bursts, no spray and pray." [Controlled bursts, no spray and pray.] (One thing I hammered into them by the end of the day)
"We'll shoot you up in our combat pair," [We'll shoot you up in our combat pair] (We had three teams of two and the medic/communicator attached to whatever was necessary. Marksman team, strike team and Objective team)
"We can't reload, so you're gunna have to share." [We can't reload so you're gunna have to share] (The guns sucked at reloading)
"Red team, Red team, we're gonna shout" [Red team, Red team, we're gonna shout]
"Blue team, Blue team, you're runnin' yer mouth" [Blue team, Blue team, yer runnin yer mouth] (Originally planned to be 'you're gonna rout' but depending on how that's read it could mean that they would destroy us or we could destroy them)
Please remember I made that up on-the-spot.
After the event Birthday-Boy's Dad got a set of Ballerina shoes for Twinkle-Toes to commemorate his new nickname, a tiara for the guy who complained the most on Blue team (Princess) and a set of plastic rulers for Blue team (Because they liked to 'bend the rules'). Red team got the first slices of Birthday Cake (after the birthday boy) and I had to do an impromptu speech which I had no idea was coming.