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[sir diesalot]

Mine went something like this:

I'd just finished laying out the fortress with all of my legendary people (adjust profile) and made my training room. My military consisted of 5 recruits and 2 champions. So I set them to spar unarmed and i got the message "Dwarfy McChampion has been struck down.". I then went all murder mystery on my dwarves and found that th other champion must have been jealous because he'd ripped both arms and the head off of my other champion.

The guy who was mutilated was given a 5 second tomb near the sparring room.

[Bunny]

There was a chasm a ways from my fortress, which was exposed up near the surface but a large cage that led to it.  I'd dug a long corridor towards the chasm and was using it to dump captured goblins.  Good fun.

Then, after a while I get a "miner has been struck down" notice, followed by a few more struck down ones in quick succession.  A giant bat had turned up as my dwarves were dismantling the built and now empty goblin cages for reuse, killed 2 dwarves and a couple of pets as well.  I make sure to forbid all of the corpses and items to prevent the wave of suddenly daft, stupid dwarves from dashing gleefully towards the killer bat for the chance at a new sock.

So, I turn my 3 units of 5 sparring dwarves, who're still recruits but armed with crossbows that they've trained with for ages, onto on-duty, set their patrol and stationed areas to near the pit and look forward to watching them shoot the bat to oblivion.

That, of course, doesn't happen.

It seems that, despite the training, and each being equipped with a good crossbow and a full quiver, which they have been practising with, they all suddenly forget how to shoot.

The first couple that try to fight the bat get instantly killed.  Two more fall down the chasm.  My one marksdwarf gets killed after loosing a single bolt by an enraged bat, and his war dogs soon follow.  The remaining dwarves are slaughtered, one by one, running in a blind panic around the chasm while being chased by this singular bat, except one that just stands there staring into space until he, too, is slaughtered.

I swear, forbid EVERYTHING in the area (which doesn't prevent the deaths of 2 more civvy dwarves who decide to go after some dropped equipment despite it being forbidden) and lock my door to the area, then check my population.

Two recruits left.  Two.  Both of whom only survived by avoiding battle entirely by being asleep.

[Skizelo]

Around 40 percent of my military have broken necks, bruised brains and a few collapsed lungs, most of which I'm blaming on the hammer-champions (because the spear champion doesn't leave them alive).
I keep on hoping a fresh-faced captain of the guard will come down and investigate, culminating in a court-scene in front of the duke. Tun Tombsclear (awesome name wasted on a non-haunted landscape), the champion, would finally bellow that they couldn't handle the truth. That or attack everyone in sight, which seems more dwarfish somehow.

[Dwarmin]

I remember way back in the 2D version, there was massive Goblin siege on my fort. Of couse my whole army was asleep.
Except for 1 brave recruit Dwarf! He bravely donned his armor and weapon, bravely stepped out of the front gates...
And then he just went to sleep. Right in front of the Goblin horde.
Of course he wedged the door open...Im convinced he was either a idiot or a traitor.

[Jetman123]

ROFL at the one above. I think you might want to add "hypersomniac" to the list of possibilities... or insomniac, he might have been up for a month trying to sleep between sparring sessions, and seeing the goblin horde finally got him sleepy enough to just lay down and snore.

Once I had a fresh Elite Marksdwarf along with a growing military. Goblin ambush - two of them, actually. Two groups of five, mostly lashers and a spearman each. I sent out my marksdwarves to ventilate them, with my meleedwarves protecting them.

_Despite_ this, a gung-ho recruit decides to ignore my orders and charges the goblins with an axe he barely knows how to use. The bridge on the moat was slick with his blood, but he took out two of them. So stepped forward my elite marksdwarf, firing bolts left and right, and then a goblin lasher came up, lashed him in the back, and killed him instantly.

Yes, my elite marksdwarf was killed from behind by a single hit _from a whip_.

Hardly what I'd call "elite". He was Tough, too!

[Dwarmin]

He realized he was the only defender there lol
Well im dead anyway, might as well go down for a...nice....sleep...eternal

*thunk, thunk, thunk* go the bolts
*CHOP* as he was beheaded
He literally never woke up even as he being hacked to pieces.

[Greiger]

Massive surface fort.  Nothing but mines underground.  A small unfinished wall around the whole thing.  Junk from old seiges scattered about everywhere.

An orc (goblins that are size 7) seige shows up, bowmen, crossbowmen, the works.  My military is put on duty and placed around blind corners and alleyways within the city, since I cannot order civilians to stay underground with any success(since the mine wasn't defensible) I recruit them all into a militia and order them up to the third floor of the keep.

The fighting begins, what few crossbowmen I have are firing bolts from the rooftops, and my meleers jumping out of alleyways and tearing up the orcish flying pointy death users.  Then I notice a few recriuts wandering out of one of the gates.  I mistake it for a small group of trainees I sent to delay axeorcs to the south.

No such luck.  I see all of the civilians just pouring out of the gates and into the axeorcs.  

After a bit of looking around I see what happened.  A large chunk of the civilians had claimed socks and other such goodies from the last seige but I suppose were too buzy to go fetch them before.  But now that the seige happened and I forbid everything outside the gates, they apperantly decided, "Oh no! It's been forbidden! I'll just grab my sock and show that omnipresent overseer who's boss!"

It was impossible to stop them from running after the socks.  If they were military, they ignored the orcs as they went for the sock, running right into them.  If I undrafted them, they fled from the orcs, but would not go to the safety of the keep. The population dropped from 90ish to 20 in the space of three minutes.  Thats before the tantrum spiral.

[RPharazon]

I got a goblin siege early on, and I felt ready.
So, the goblins come close...
And everyone goes crazy. They SCREAM out of the fortress, straight into the goblins. The military died, and the civvies died quicker as the massive stampede of dwarves came running out, tripping face-first into goblin spears and arrows.

The thing that caused them to run away?

A squad of goblins perched 3 z-levels above the fortress. Nevermind that the entrance was 20 tiles away, and nevermind that it actually took about 120 tiles to get from that entrance to the goblins' position. Oh no, those dwarves can be scared telepathically.

From now on, I lock the doors and let the traps do the work.

[Klendt]

Quite a while back, during my first long-lasting fortress, I finally decided to build up a dedicated military after two years. I snagged every soaper,  fish dissector, or bowyer I could find, and a woodworker for for good measure. So they all head down to the barracks to spar immediately after throwing themselves in the armor pile and wearing whatever stuck, except the woodworker, who decided to go admire doors or something. Oh, whatever. Super happy fun wrestling time. They all get some experience, two of them leaving recruitdom to join the realms of wrestlers by the time the woodworker comes in.
Yeah, guess what I forgot to take away from the woodworker?
So, after neatly severing each and every one of his sparring partners' spines/necks/faces with his axe, he goes off to get a drink. To be honest, it wasn't that bad a loss. Just a room full of vegetables nobody's kind enough to haul off to bed, except it was complicated immediately afterwards by said axedwarf getting set on fire by an imp and burning my designated infirmary down during the prompt goblin siege. Death spiral. Tantrums. Eventually, everyone calms down after beating the ever-loving snot out of the war dogs and kittens and enjoying the soothing mist.
The moral of the story is animal abuse is the best way to cope with the death of a loved one.