Even though this post is a few weeks old, it reminded me how I used to be up to 21 years old. Had already had 4 girlfriends by then, and I'd always say very hurtful things to them when I was angry.
The difference though is that it wasn't "abuse", or I wouldn't go all-out to calling them a whore or something like that. But I used to say stingy, deep-hurting kind of stuff that probably sticked with them for years.
The solution for me is simple to say, weird to mention, and rather hard to implement. I noticed that I usually got angry because:
1. I selfishly got extremely angry because they weren't behaving/thinking/feeling the way I expected them to, so this would create a loop that made me insanely mad for the stupidest reasons.
2. I'd identify and treat them like an "enemy" - like something I had to "disable" at all costs. In order words, I'd instantly go from treating them as a girlfriend to treating them like some weird dude at the street.
So I had to become less selfish with my expectations with people. I also had to learn not to turn every single disagreement as a all-out, Mutual-Assured-Destruction conflict.
And primarily, I had to remember how much I loved them and how much they mattered to me, and how it didn't make sense to hurt them even with words.
That's why it's hard to implement. It takes a lot of reflection and self-monitoring and reminding you of certain things. If you're going through a stressful time of your life, or if you are constantly busy, anxious or worried, it becomes pretty hard to keep reminding yourself to be good to those who are good to you.
It was "easy" (relatively, because it took a few months) for me because I had all the time of the world in a rather relaxed time of my life. Also, my girlfriend at the time I noticed this was very independent and she wouldn't simply look down and cry. She'd challenge me, and say I was being an asshole and that it made no sense that I would be a nice guy, then become her enemy all of a sudden. My other girlfriends before her would always look down and cry without telling me about it - so I never realized how bizarre my behavior was.
Also, as a child, my mother went through a terrible divorce with my dad so she'd do the same thing to me: say terrible stingy things that I never forgotten, and/or spill her troubles at work/family/with my father at me, so I absolutely hate and don't maintain contact to people who do this sort of thing to this day. So it was ironical that I, myself, was constantly doing it.
I'd also like to mention that this didn't just affect my relationship with girlfriends. This changed me a LOT with all sorts of relationships, including friends and family. Made me be more patient and understanding, and more present.
And if you decide to follow this way - which is basically changing your mindset about expectations, and always reminding yourself not to hurt those who love you - always remember that a better man is the one who admits to his mistakes.
I'd rather go out and have a beer with a dude who says "I'm an asshole. I'm the shittiest man in the planet. I make my girlfriend cry weekly.", than with the dude who says he's a great lover yet his girl is always hiding her bruises.
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Topic: I need... Help. Advice. (Read 1521 times)