Edit: To make immediate responses more, like, useful, just in case: I am being very tongue-in-cheek about this post, because to me, comedy is the absolute best way to cope with genuine sorrow and distress. So when you read this post, keep in mind that I understand that irrationality is part of being human--I am just sort of socially stunted, and while I understand people, that understanding is what makes me fear them, so I do genuinely try to out-logic them. It doesn't really work all the time.
Not that long ago, someone contacted me. I haven't talked to them in like, any emotional or human capacity for several years. Where both sides are being rational, and calm, and wouldn't let petty things drive their next course of action, like contacting me in this fashion. See what I mean? But that's not what I'm here to talk about, that's just the impetus. I thought it would be interesting. See, in order to make themselves feel better, they knew that, in their heart, I had to feel
worse. So maybe I'll feel better by sharing some things with relative strangers too!
See, they seem to think that sharing deep, personal, scathing feelings with a relative stranger is a good idea. That by doing so, while devoid of any rationality--and when I say this, I mean, taking a step back and seeing if doing so would be productive first... well, maybe it was? Maybe the cold specter of logic and rationality has betrayed me. So obviously I can't just ape them, who would be so puerile? Not I. So I must also be irrational in my decision making process! That is the only way in which this could be, in any way, productive, or a good idea. But that's not to say I genuinely don't want to hear from you, oh no, I genuinely, sincerely do. Because the perspective of a relative stranger might actually be enlightening, as it was for them.
I'm a calm individual. I have had, in the past, issues with anger. Sadness. Loneliness. Commitment. I'd deflect, I'd hide, and pretend. But that never made me
happy, see, it just proved, again and again, that the only person hurting me, is me. And in doing so, I also hurt people I interact with... so I just choose not to do any of those things, anymore, for the most part. No lies. No deceit.
The people I do interact with? They distance themselves from others too, in their own ways, so those relationships?
They are safe. That's what I need. I need safe.
Fuck me, right?
But what I want to talk about, is where to move from there? That's all I am. Take away the lies, take away the fear, the loneliness and the anger, and you just have what's beneath the surface... which is boring. It's plain. It's risk free. There's no spice to it. There's no
life.
I lied, because I feared.
When lying is no longer an option, because it just becomes so painful that you can't exist in the world you've created for yourself anymore, you have no options, because you are unequipped for dealing with reality. I won't say I'm completely hopeless in that department, I'm a functional human being with thoughts and feelings and wants, but I haven't really been acting on such impetus in a while, and I realize, that's fucking insane. I'm not insane, right? So instead of just remaining stagnant, I'm really, really reevaluating my life right now, and double and triple checking to see if I can commit myself in some fashion into becoming, not necessarily a better person, because I honestly at this point believe such a mentality is poisonous, but becoming a person who can socially defend themselves, without hurting others, which means no lying, because lies hurt people. Kind of like a social-aikido, man, that's what I need.
I don't feel angry anymore. There's no point. It's wasted energy. It doesn't propel me. The things that used to make me angry? I feel nothing. When the spark of anger ignited not too long ago, it was a foreign feeling. It was what made me realize that I still
have feelings, that I'm not some kind of robot just operating day-to-day by rote, that I still have the capacity to experience. Experience anything! There's a universe of possibilities, but I don't know what to do with any of them!
I don't feel sad anymore... or so I thought, but the idea of not doing anything right now to change things, when this person might possibly, maybe, have improved their own lot in life? That makes me kinda sad. Not jealous, not angry, or vindictive, just kind of sad--if I did nothing. Because as a calm, rational individual, I'm sure as fucking hell going to use every tool at hand to get the job done, and if any other rational individuals take offense to that, well, deal with it, man!
...
I don't feel fear anymore. I guess that's just where I am. So before I start feeling lonely again, I ask,
Where do I go from here?
How do you trust?
When you just never truly fucking know how insane, or shallow, irrational or even just plain petty and hurtful a person secretly is?
Everyone lies, nothing is sacred, even when they vehemently claim the moral high-ground.
'They who have done no wrong knows all wrong', except people like that don't fucking exist. To be honest, I motherfucking fear the people that don't lie, because they genuinely seem ignorant of the awful things they're capable of in the dark.
So the better question is, what's my plan of attack? How do I defend myself while leaving myself open?
I need a game plan. I want to make friends. Not get into mushy gushy feel-y bullshit, that takes time and just happens organically, you don't need to tell me that. I mean, just the most basic relationships which necessitate both honesty, trust and understanding. That all sounds chance-y, vague, but on the bright side? This isn't me asking for romantic advice. Because that shit? A person who just doesn't trust anyone, to any real extent, and basically exists in a state of constant "you may not be a bad person, but that doesn't mean you won't stab me in the back one day," can't really... countenance, that kind of thing, until they move past it.
Hit me with just... all that life advice, senpai. I can take it. My body is ready.
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Topic: Trusting For Dummies: A How-to! (Read 2080 times)