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Author Topic: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.  (Read 882 times)

Fabulous death bringer

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Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« on: August 08, 2014, 04:41:01 pm »

Because he thinks he is an English teacher and I'm his student. So here it is the 'report'. He wanted it to have perfect grammar so I tried.

Did I die? I am currently in the black void. The one thousand platinum pieces question was ‘Is the black void, that I am in, is of death or sleep?’ The answer came quickly as my mind ignited and regains connection with my extremities. I felt weak, as if something drained away my strength. I hear a grown, only to realise I made it a few seconds later.
“He is waking up” Someone said, “Get the apothecary. He might still need the apothecary’s help”.
I knew that voice. The sounding of a leader, calm and collected even in a crisis. That must be Karl. Who is in need of the apothecary? Surely not I? I have lived for over 200 winters! I am in no need for an apothecary. Something wet touched my forehead. In reaction my eyes opened. I was greeted with strong light assaulting my dark adjusted eyes. I winced in pain.
“Don’t die okay” a female voice shouted, after hiccupping twice. She must have been crying. It couldn’t have been Thyra. She may be the only female in the party but she does no care for me. I will get her for slapping me. Well 3 out of the 6 party members are accounted for.
“He is waking up it seem” said, who I believe was, Karl. There was hand touching me, squeezing my wrist, touching my forehead, feeling my chest. I guess I’m the person that was need of an apothecary.
“He should live but he will feel very weak for a while” the apothecary explained.
“That is great news. Now we must discuss your fee” said Karl.
“No need for that. The young lad did all the work for me. All I did was shout,” the apothecary laughed.
“May the Raven Queen bless you,” Karl said with exuberance.
I heard footsteps leaving the room. “So it was Symon who saved me,” I said is a weak, tired, quiet voice.
“Actually no, Symon couldn’t save you. In fact a stranger jump in and sank his teeth in to your arm. Within seconds, you were out cold and he was suffering what you were suffering from. He ran out of the tavern before we could help him. Odd thing is though, Cromwell followed him.” Karl told me. My eyes were open but with my brain still being in a haze, I still couldn’t see. I heard a chair move beside me followed by quick footsteps.
“Who left?” I asked.
“Symon,” Karl answered grimly.
“Go catch up with him. He must feel awful for not being able to save me,” I sad with sadness dripping from my words. I heard heavy footsteps, and then the door clicked closed.
“What the hell did you?” A hushed voice demanded of me. It was Nadarr.
“Calm yourself dragonborn,” I tried to say with my normal grace and charm but it came out sad and pitiful.
“All I know is I get woken up by a panicked Thyra yelling about poison. I come and find you pale as snow, just lying on the floor of the tavern. Now explain!” Nadarr growled quietly.
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LordSlowpoke

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Re: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2014, 04:46:05 pm »

yes, this is a report

what do you want me to do with it

if you just wanted to share, we do have a writing thread tucked away somewhere

creative projects maybe
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TD1

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Re: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2014, 04:47:46 pm »

Meh, the thing about general discussion is it's....ya know, general.

And if he wants it discussed...well, ya know, it kinda fits.

As the Forum says
"Any discussion is fine, as long as you don't bicker."
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Fabulous death bringer

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Re: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2014, 05:00:59 pm »

I did it more as a joke. He was correcting me english so much. Then he ended with.
"I want a one page report in which you write paragraphs that are of perfect grammar and spelling."

So instead of just sending it to him, I posted it here. I half expected a bunch of people to start correcting every mistake I made.
He said I could write a story so I wrote a story about his DnD character if he survived the poison, instead of dying because of it.
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Yoink

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Re: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2014, 05:10:32 pm »

I did it more as a joke. He was correcting me english so much. Then he ended with.
"I want a one page report in which you write paragraphs that are of perfect grammar and spelling."

Well... almost, I guess.
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apiks

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Re: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2014, 06:42:21 pm »

1st mistake. I wanted a 1 page report. Not a single paragraph that's so short.

2nd mistake. Should be 'Is the black void, that I am in, death or sleep?'. Without the 'is of' in your sentence.

3rd mistake. Consider making 'regains' into 'regained' since you used past tense in "ignited".

4rd mistake. The word is groan. Not 'grown'.

5th mistake. You forgot a full stop in 'He is waking up".

6th mistake. You forgot a full stop in 'Get the apothecary. He might still need the apothecary’s help'.

7th mistake. The sound of a leader. Not the sounding of a leader.

8th semi-mistake. Consider making it 'I was greeted with a strong light assaulting my eyes'.

9th mistake. Make it 'Don't die, okay?'. You forgot a comma and a question mark.

10th mistake. 'She does not care for me.'. Else, 'She has no care for me.'

11th mistake. Another forgotten full stop in '“He is waking up it seem'.

12th mistake. 'There was a hand touching me.'. Not just 'There was hand touching me.'.

13th mistake. 'I guess I’m the person that was in need of an apothecary. Forgot an 'in'.

14th mistake. Forgotten full stop at 'He should live but he will feel very weak for a while'.

15th mistake. 'That is great news!'. This should be with an exclamation mark, not a full stop.

16th mistake. Forgotten full stop at 'Now we must discuss your fee'.

17th mistake. 'I did was shout.'. You used a comma instead of a full stop there.

18th mistake. 'May the Raven Queen bless you.'. You used a comma instead of a full stop there.

19th & 20th mistake. 'I said in a weak, tired, quiet voice.'. You wrote 'is' instead of 'in' there. Consider making it 'weak, tired and quiet' instead of using a comma. Depends more on writing style I guess.

21st, 22nd and 23rd mistake mistake. 'In fact, a stranger jumped in and sank his teeth into your arm.'. A comma after 'fact'. Use jumped instead of jump. 'In to' is written 'into'.

24th mistake. 'Odd thing is though, Cromwell followed him.'. Add a 'the' at the beggining of that sentence.

25th mistake. 'I said with sadness dripping from my words.'

26th & 27th mistake. 'Calm yourself, dragonborn.'. Comma after 'yourself' since you're directing a person. You used a comma instead of a full stop as well.

(I might have made some mistakes or overlooked something since I'm rather tired at the writing of this but they shouldn't exceed 2-3 at best.)
« Last Edit: August 08, 2014, 06:45:16 pm by apiks »
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Fabulous death bringer

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Re: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2014, 06:48:44 pm »

Okay most of those i agree with, but I did write one page, in word at least. But I can make a person talk any way I want so there is no need for a 'the' in front of 'odd' because people can talk with out using every rule of grammar.
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apiks

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Re: Apiks wanted a one page report from me.
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2014, 06:56:08 pm »

Okay most of those i agree with, but I did write one page, in word at least. But I can make a person talk any way I want so there is no need for a 'the' in front of 'odd' because people can talk with out using every rule of grammar.

i should be capitalized.

It's written 'without', not 'with out'.

Else, touche.
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