Diaries of a changed soldier, June 27, 2015:
It's been a while since I've written in my journal, so this may end up a bit longer than I originally intended. There have been several notable events happening around base, and two missions that I've been on as of this writing, since I previously wrote. Operation Morbid Future, despite its ominous name, went smoothly. As there was little of note about the operation, I'll leave it at that. It is somewhat saddening to think that these missions really and truly are becoming normal, as if I've been fighting these aliens off my entire life.
Around base, things have started to pick up. As we gain the resources to protect more countries around the world, they in turn give us more resources to use. The science division under Vahlen has been exceptionally busy. They have been working out how to build and modify alien weaponry for our use, coordinating with some of the resources South America has provided and performing autopsies that would have taken days - weeks, all together - in just a few hours. This, in turn, provided a great number of options for the Commander, Vahlen, and Shen to ponder over. My friend in the research division (one of the few people in the base who still treats me the same as before) tells me that a number of genetic modifications became available. While it twists my stomach to think of another week in a test tube, I knew it would happen eventually. In for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose. Shen and his team are producing prototypes and working on improvements to what we already have as well as pounding out whatever rush order the Commander has for them.
Operation Frozen Tears, while not necessarily notable for what we'd done - it was another slaughter of EXALT troops and extraction of Leilith - was notable because we'd finally been able to put into use plasma weaponry. It felt good - the plasma rifle I was using was comfortable and powerful. I enjoyed using it much more than either the laser rifle or the standard assault rifle. It felt natural to hold and had an easy trigger. Recoil was incredibly easy to control, allowing for near pinpoint accuracy. It was a smart investment to get us these plasma weapons, and I imagine that once the other troops get their iterations of plasma weaponry, we'll have a massive increase in effectiveness.
As for more of my personal thoughts on what's been happening, I'm honestly still a little lost. It's kind of like being a teenager again - I don't really know what's going on with myself. I need to find who I am again, strange as that seems. With more genetic modification on the way and even more killing to be done, I feel somewhat dissociative from the people around me. Before any of this, it hurt to pull the trigger. I knew there was a lot more to the face I was pointing my gun at, but I had a job to do and I did it. Now, there's so little hesitation that it terrifies me. EXALT troops are nothing more than obstacles in the way of a greater goal, and we know so little about the aliens that I can't even begin to think of what I should try to identify with, to bring that hurt back when I killed. It's like a latent psychopathy, but I know my emotions are still here. I feel confused, and I'm scared of what I'm becoming. I don't know whether or not to shut down and just do the job or to continue looking for a way to rationalize all of this.
I could use a vacation. And a bottle of Grey Goose. Maybe two.