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[DoomOnion]

I want to start by telling you briefly about my childhood. I was home schooled, got into a college when I was 15, spent a couple of years there until I finally learned that I am simply not built for English literature. I dropped out, and at the age of 18, I got into another college. I am a sophomore right now, currently studying psychology.

Due to my childhood, I never got around making friends. All of my social interactions were strictly academic or formal. I am a shy person while at that. So I ended up hiding behind a facade, a twisted bravado made of cocky attitude. Didn't take too much time for me to actually end up being a rude and cocky person.

Point is, I really never knew how to be anyone's friend. My entire childhood and puberty was just learning to function as an effective tool of the society. It all started spiralling down, I ended up being severly depressed, and I still am. I felt disturbed, agitated, isolated, and I felt so... alone. I started harboring strongly negative opinions about the world, and about myself. I started hating everyone including myself. I guess my attitude up to this point was basically 'people hate me, so I hate them back.' Concordantly, even my grades became miserable. I had no motivation to invest my effort in anything at all.

I used to think that there is no point in persuing happiness. Then I started to think that everything is so hallow; there is no purpose in a lot of things, we are nothing but just overrated primates who happen to have discovered how to make tools. But now I think that that is the point; The entirety of life is to be happy, and to make people around us happy. There is no higher purpose, no greater cause, only us. Then again, I am so painfully isolated. Even within a crowd, I am alone. If that is the entire point, is there a reason why I need to exist? Can I be here? What is the point of it all if you are even denied of the very reason why we live?

Recently, I've come to a realization. No one is responsible for this, no one but me. I chose to walk this path. I am the one who is responsible. Of course, my personality and how I am is clearly shaped by the world and very much so. But I am in charge of my own happiness. I can't just sit here, blame things on everyone, act like a 6 year old, threaten suicide, and most importantly, harbor a hope that things will magically somehow change one day. It won't. Things don't change unless I do. This road I walk is what I chose, no one else made the decision for me. Thus not only I am responsible for it, I also have the power to turn it all around.

I've been doing things to change things. I've joined a club, I'm trying to modify attitude to be a little bit more friendly and forthcoming. I'm trying to connect with others. It's not easy. Now that I started seeing things differently, my hate and despair is all directed towards myself, not others. And it's not like bad things don't happen now that I see things differently, of course they do happen. Sometimes they are just so bad that I feel tired to even think. It's going to be a long time until I can finally start accepting myself and others.

I'm sorry I made you guys proofread charles dickens here, this is also not very fitting for the board probably.

Now that I think of it, It's more close to a diary. I'm not sure. I just wanted to share, I guess.

[Lectorog]

I think anything about you wanting to improve your life belongs on this board, as long as you want input from others.

Are you interested in religion and/or philosophy? Those might help the process.

[DoomOnion]

Not really into religion, but I am certainly interested in philosophy. I took several courses, but what I learn is so distant from what I actually have been going through, so I kind of got tired of it.

[Vector]

Read Phaedrus.  Also, The Little Prince, and Candide if you haven't.  You'll feel better.

[Finn]

Recently, I've come to a realization. No one is responsible for this, no one but me. I chose to walk this path. I am the one who is responsible. Of course, my personality and how I am is clearly shaped by the world and very much so. But I am in charge of my own happiness. I can't just sit here, blame things on everyone, act like a 6 year old, threaten suicide, and most importantly, harbor a hope that things will magically somehow change one day. It won't. Things don't change unless I do. This road I walk is what I chose, no one else made the decision for me. Thus not only I am responsible for it, I also have the power to turn it all around.

I agree with the second part and disagree with the first part.  You did not choose to be home schooled, and it would probably never have occurred to you alone to enter college at 15.  Both of these things almost certainly had a profound influence on the development of your social skills and personality and neither of them was really your choice.  In my opinion it's okay to blame your parents for that.

But you're right about the second part.  Blaming your parents won't do a damn thing towards fixing the problem, that's on you.  But you don't have to try to fix it all on your own.  When I was a sophomore I had suicidal thoughts and I went to a counselor for help.  It helped.  It may have saved my life, it certainly saved my college education.  If you aren't talking to someone professionally, I urge you to consider giving it a try.  It takes a lot of work to get the brain to think in different patterns, something you probably can't really do on your own.