We leave the town and are almost instantly attacked by a hill giant. These things, though humanoid and moderately intelligent, are just viewed as thugs to be killed. We gang up on it and kill it. It had some nice gems on it. Another day has passed, another fell creature falls to my blade, and another page in the book of Life is dusted and turned. Will slaying the odd monster make me a hero? I doubt it. But at least I am on the road to shaping my own future, rather than being guided solely by it! I alluded to you before that I was facing a choice in my existence, and that choice was causing me great concern. Now that it has been made, it is like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the shackles removed from my ankles. At last I am free to make my own path in this world.
What choice was that?
I made a choice pertaining to precisely what
I wanted to be as an individual in Tamriel. I made a choice to define myself in the manner that I want, rather than what my society (past or present) wants. And within my mind, I created the criteria that adequately describes the definition by which I shall judge myself.
How do you define yourself?
Please don't take offense to this, my friends, but I don't really think it necessary to tell you. Oh come now, don't look so hurt. There is a reason to my actions.
Impressions and opinions are everything in most societies, and if I ever want to be accepted, I need to be seen in the light that I want to be seen in.
However, because of my lack of experience at wearing my persona on my sleeve for all the world to see... it is quite likely I will present the wrong image. You, being my only friends and travelling companions, will ultimately be the most accurate test I could ask for. You will see me for what I am, through our conversations and through my mannerisms, and will judge me based on that. If your judgement of who I am matches who I want to be, then I know that I have accomplished all that I set out to be. I will have defined myself as someone who has made a difference.
I will do what is needed to shape Tamriel in the manner that befits my image of perfection, in spite of my dark past. Hopefully, through these actions, I can be remembered as a hero, of one kind or another.
I feel the need to be remembered for this reason:
A farmer lives out his life as he sees best, and dies in the knowledge that he lived a good life. Yet, no one remembers him. I know that my life is drawing to a close, but in this point in time I will not have the luxury of dying knowing I have lived a good life. My own negativity will prevent me from thinking of myself as heroic, but if I know society remembers me that way, then I can rest easy. I want to immortalise myself and be remembered for my deeds, not my past. If I were to die today, the only memories people will have of me will be my evil past. Can you understand that?
Your actions outweigh your past.
In the minds of society, yes, that is it exactly. Regardless of whether my actions are in line with my past, opposing it, or somewhere in between... I want it to be ME who defines the manner in which people see me. And from there, I will ultimately find acceptance, one way or another. It pleases me to know that you are able to understand my thoughts so perfectly. Truly, Kira, I have never come across one such as you. It gives me hope that I will be someday something of a hero.
Is that all that matters to you?
No, not at all. I can think of several things that are far more important than such idealistic notions like becoming an 'accidental hero'. But from my perspective, it is the first step on the reintegration into society. The way Tamriel perceives me will be born of tolerance, then acceptance, and then finally appreciation. They will tolerate my presence, accept who I am, and appreciate what I bring to society, regardless of my alignment. Consider it the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is the reward at the end of a long and dusty road. Perhaps this is something we should discuss later, if you don't mind.
What seems like weeks later, we arrive at the entrance to the Kvatch Road. A nord and an orc look distinctly displeased, but before I can ask them what's wrong, a panicking high elf runs up to me and the group.