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[femmelf]

I don't really know how to respond to all that.

Well, I haven't heard from him in over a month. I don't think that's good.

I might just try keeping a journal. How does that work. I don't really get it.

Faking it is hard, but I at least manage to put on appearances most of the time.

Probably the worst is how for whatever reason and for a couple years now, my heart and throat just feel heavy, pretty much all the time. It's like having a lump in your throat but deeper and worse all the time. It sucks when I have to talk.

[weenog]

Don't worry about him. Get right with yourself.  You are You, whatever your name is, not That Guy's Girlfriend.

Keeping a journal is pretty simple.  Write down events, thoughts and feelings you consider noteworthy.  Date each entry.  Write as much or as little as you want.  Review old entries from time to time, to get a clearer idea of where you've been in life (sometimes progress is so gradual, you won't notice it, unless you compare your current position against the starting point rather than the tiny transitions).  This isn't a classroom assignment, this is for you, so record things however makes sense to you, you're not being graded.

Faking it is not a long-term solution.  The point there is to make a start and get active even if you don't feel like being active.  Once you're getting things done, you might begin to feel better, and maybe start doing those things because you feel like doing them, not faking it anymore.  If you want to respect yourself, be doing the things that would make you respect other people who were doing them, like I said before.

[kaijyuu]

My experience with "faking" things is thus: It is, at best, a crutch. Crutches are fine if you need them (so don't shy away if you do), but eventually they'll have to be thrown away.

[femmelf]

Yeah, I pretty much have to fake it for now. At least I don't see how it can be "real" for me right now.

As for him, yeah, I really do like him, and it seems like breaking up with him would be just another blow. Might not really be something I have a choice in if he decides not to continue this.

[hector13]

You seem to be in a bit of a rut in the way your thinking and behaving. There have been a lot of good ideas already mentioned by others, specifically in talking to someone you trust about it. Parents can generally be a good go-to in this kind of situation because they've known you all your life and could even have gone through something similar, so have some good advice on hand. They also won't judge you in the process too. (not that other people will judge you, of course!)

I also liked the idea of a journal, as that will allow you to get your thoughts down on paper and perhaps clarify precisely what's bothering you about any particular thing, and that in turn will be helpful in dealing with it.

The internet is a great tool for helping yourself too. You can look for any free therapies around where you live, or even just some self-help stuff (http://www.edspace.org.uk/upload/File/library/Self-Esteem.pdf, for example) if you'd rather try by yourself.

Going to your GP would probably be a good idea. They'll be able to go through your options for attacking something like this, be it medication, therapy, self-help or any combination thereof.

The worst thing you can do is keep it to yourself. Talk to your parent(s)/someone else you trust, go to your GP, and use t'internet!

[femmelf]

Thank you very much for trying to help me. Giving that a shot.

Another thing I guess, while I'm here, is that I take everything way too personally and feel responsible for pretty much whatever somebody is upset about. Whenever somebody is upset and raising their voice or yelling/screaming about something I feel terrible, even when I have NOTHING to do with it and am in no way responsible. Probably has something to do with my parents having always yelled at me throughout my entire life. To be fair they yell at pretty much everything though.

Why do I feel this way? The sorta ubershy thing doesn't help anybody and just probably makes me look weird.

[Darkmere]

Ah, you're a self-martyring, empathic introvert. Don't worry about the last two. Those are fine, no matter what self-absorbed extroversion society tries to foist on you. The self-martyr is a problem. I can't really give you concrete advice on that part, though, because (in my experience) it will take something very personal to drive home that everyone else's problems aren't your fault. If it helps, my revelation was that some/most people don't want to be helped, and that if I focused more on dealing with myself, I was better able to handle things from those who do.

looking over what's been said, I do have one caveat: faking it can turn into repression. That's the opposite of what you want. That said, I found two basic paths out.

1) Deal with the cause. If there was an event or personal failure or stressful period of time that happened at the start of all this, take a look at that and find some way to resolve it. This may lead to:

2) Let it go. Far easier said than done, but a good first step is to identify something that contributes to or results from this, and change it. Start with only one thing. It can be as simple as doing laundry more often, cleaning house/room/apartment, setting aside some time every day to do something you truly enjoy. The point is to break out of the rut that depression puts you into, a little bit at a time.

Your life is yours to live, and the only person you are truly beholden to is the one you look in the mirror every night. Let others judge as they may, they are irrelevant.

[Inarius]

"Let it go" --> easier to say than to do ! but you are right.

I completely understand what you are describing, and I lived it quite a long time. Feeling ugly and alone and not liked.
I fought against depression -and I know. But more because it forgot me than because of my fighting...

If I have only one advice, it's try to look for fresh air, elsewhere.

Try making some activities with other people. Don't loose your time with people that make you feel worse. Depression is a case of emergency, you don't have time/energy for people who don't help you.

Depression is a self-feeding thing. When I was depressed, the only thing I wanted was to speak about it, to tell people, because I thought it would relieve me. On the short term, it did. But soon, speaking with these people made me feel even worse, because I couldn't escape from it. "It" was everywhere, around me, making the air thick and loud.

Try new activities ! With new people ! At least, THEY don't know you are like this.
And if you reach NOT to speak about it with them, they won't see you as "the depressed girl" like they saw me.
Perhaps they will think you are, (because you are), but won't tell you. And with time, perhaps, things will get better.

With time, I noticed that i didn't need a lot of social life to be happy with it, and that a bit of "making myself pretty" was enough to feel that I could be desired. I know it's not...well, not very "good", but being desired is quite good for morale.