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[Reglinquisht]

So my title is a bit odd, and I know I am an escaped lunatic, I made a new account because even though I don't post often, I'd rather not have my cry for help on my normal account, because a few people on here know what my account's name is and know me in person. To start off, this is a bit lengthy and complex, and I am not exactly sure where to start, so I will start at the beginning from my perspective. Please note that this could be disturbing for someone, so if you are disturbed by relationships gone horribly, horribly wrong (abuse, forced sexual acts, and lots of heartbreak) please refrain from reading this. Also, if you aren't going to try to help me deal with this, don't comment at all.

To give some background information, back when I was in 10th grade, near the end of 2010 I met the girl whom is now my girlfriend, and she was in 11th grade. I had almost no experience with girls whatsoever, so when she asked to sit with me on the bus during a band competition, I said yes, even though I was sure she would move. I ended up holding hands with her, which made her want to get to know me because she felt "safe" around me. Two weeks later we start going out, and she breaks up with me a month into the relationship because I was (as I later found out) supposed to be a pick me up boyfriend, and she started actually having feelings for me. During our month long relationship, things moved rather fast. I didn't kiss her until we had been going out a week, and then 2 days after that thing escalated. Never all the way, because she was saving herself for marriage, and said that she was almost as inexperienced as me, but almost. I'll try to keep details out as much as I can. Two weeks after that, I get back into contact with her because I needed to know some stuff about a band competition we had coming up, and we started going out again. This time, though, she said we couldn't do anything too physical. We were supposed to be limited to kissing, and that's about it. After 2 weeks she starts breaking her own rules, and I resist. 2 weeks after that, I stop resisting, because I want to do things, as does she, but not all the way. Around February 2011, because we both wanted to, and after I made her wait a week to decide, we go all the way. After we do, she tells me that the last boyfriend she had tried to rape her at a party, and emotionally abused her repeatedly when she was in 9th grade. I freak out and think she is going to leave me because I didn't know this somehow, but she tells me that what happened at that party was nothing like what we did, and she is grateful that I have helped her. How I helped her, I didn't really know, but I was just happy she didn't leave me, and that she seemed OK now.

Fast forward a few months, it's now around late June 2011. Everything has been going great in our relationship. Physically wise, we had a good physical side to our relationship, but she was very rarely prone to flashbacks of the night at that party, but I was always able to help her get out of them, and she told me that they were getting less and less frequent.. All the sudden, she comes over to my house out of the blue and tells me that she cheated on me with her ex, that she met him in a park, he kissed her, she kissed him back, realized what she was doing, slapped him, and left. I don't really consider kissing to be cheating, at least not in those circumstances, so I calmed her down and told her everything was OK. I was a little miffed that this guy decided he was going to try to steal her after he was such a butt to her, even though she told him that she was already going out with me, but I wasn't really all that surprised. This is when things start to get iffy. A week after she meets him, we are at my house, and she has a flashback. She has a sudden realization that she was hiding the truth from herself when I can't stop her flashback and she goes farther than she has before. She finds out she was hiding the fact that he abused her physically and emotionally quite frequently, and that at the party back in her freshman year, he raped her. She becomes disgusted with herself, and starts cutting and burning again, and the flashbacks start occurring much more frequently.

I know that it makes me seem like a dick, but I was a bit disgusted too... I don't know why, and I have never been able to reconcile it. That was about 1% of what I was feeling. The other 99% was pure rage and anger at this man who violated her. She was a freshman, and he was 21 (she found this out after all of this occurred). I asked her if she wanted to go to the police, and she said no, and refused. Other than herself, I was, and am the only person who knows her story (well I guess now y'all do, but you don't know her personally and I'm not naming names). I was EXTREMELY supportive of her, and hid the fact that I felt a little disgusted and uncomfortable about her previous "life", but it was in the past, and I tried to get over it myself, but I couldn't, not completely. Over a period of about 5 or 6 months, I get her to stop burning and cutting, and get her to accept that fact that, yes, she was raped, but no, that isn't a reason to wallow in self pity. You have to pick yourself up, realize what happened, and get on with your life. I didn't quite tell it to her like that, but I made her realize that. Around the beginning of February 2012, she was back to how she had been before, she rarely had flashbacks, didn't burn or cut, and was fairly happy.

She went away to college around the beginning of the school year this year. I guess somehow, because of the distance and the stress and worry, she began to have flashbacks more, and began to realize more things she hid from herself. Her ex used to basically whore her out, trading BJs and HJs for cash so he could fuel his drug addictions. She started telling me things that she used to do, and then started explicitly telling me what she would do, and explicitly told me everything, I mean EVERYTHING, that happened the night she was raped. She has always affirmed that she never really wanted to do any of these things, and that she was just craving attention, and repeatedly said no. As an aside, around the time all this was going on her father started being abusive.. take that how you want. She doesn't blame herself for any of this, and I don't really think she should. I have been struggling under this enormous pressure for about 2 and a half months though. She isn't cutting or burning anymore, and she actually seems nonchalant about her past. When she tells me about it, she doesn't get upset or angry or anything, she just states what happened, and tells me that it feels good getting it off her chest by telling me. I don't know whether or not this is a good or a bad thing, but I know how I feel when she tells me.

I get enraged, and every time I hear what has happened I get so upset I literally start shaking almost like I am having a small seizure. My heart rate goes to about 190, I can feel my blood pumping in my head, and I basically have to shut down and distract myself. When I'm not thinking about what has happened to her, I am perfectly find and happy... but when I start thinking about her past, it stresses me out beyond where I have ever been before. I don't want to tell her to just stop telling me what she remembers when she remembers it, because she has always been there for any of my issues. I also realize that on a scale, her issues make mine seem like nothing. How can I help deal with this stress on my own? She refuses to go to a therapist, and just wants to talk to me about her past, so I am basically on my own, hence why I have turned to this community.

How can I deal with the stress? How can I stop myself from being so enraged to stops me from functioning for the next 10-15 minutes? What can I do to reconcile my lingering feelings of disgust and rage? How do I deal with her telling me everything and spilling it out? I assume that after she gets everything out, the flashbacks will linger for a while and then almost stop like they used to, and it does seem like the torrent of new memories has slowed down immensely, but with every new memory I grow new hatred and disgust, and the old hatred and disgust rises along with it. How do I fix this?

I love my girlfriend, and we have been going out for almost 2 years. I know highschool relationships aren't supposed to last long, but we have been through a lot and made it. I plan on marrying her if we are still together after she gets out of college (she went in before me, but I am going into a field that requires more college than hers), and I think we still will be together... at least if I can fix my own issues with this relationship. I can't fix these issues on my own though, and I need help.

Oh, and also, just so y'all know, I can't hunt the man down and hand him over to the police, because I found out he was busted for having drugs, and went to jail. A LOT of drugs. He is in jail for 50 or so years, with no chance of parole before he serves 35, so don't worry about me going out for revenge. Chances are he is in a general population prison, and will get exactly what is coming to him.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Well, you can't really stop being angry. That's why they call controlling one's anger "anger management" and not "anger elimination". As far as emotions go, anger is very difficult to actually suppress, and succeeding at doing this usually means it only ends up boiling over at a later date.

"Think calming thoughts" sounds like useless advice, but it isn't. Going through memories will cause the emotions recorded in them to integrate into your current emotional state. This is also the reason your anger is growing, as you're going through all the memories of things she has told you whenever she tells you something else. The reverse will work: Go through memories that are calm and happy and you will be pulled towards that.

I can relate to the feelings of rage, and you should remember that the last thing you want to do is make any decisions while lost in your anger. While anger can bring clarity, it also can cloud your judgement, and it is important to recognize which is which.

Keep in mind that you are only hearing these things because you have someone who trusts you completely, and getting angry about what you are hearing doesn't do you any good. Especially since the guy is in jail. Remember that and know that your anger is thus futile.

Escapism can help. Listen to what she has to say, then go do something distracting like playing video games. The passage of time will lower the anger you can feel and will let you better control it.

She doesn't sound like she particularly needs a therapist, so I'd just drop that. Some people need therapy to get through trauma, others exhibit psychological resilience and will eventually recover without professional help. Your girlfriend sounds like the latter, as she went from self-harm back to healthy twice.

[LordBucket]

I offer you answers. The answers I offer might, or might not be useful for you. I simply offer them, for you to do with or ignore as you please. I reject all responsibility for your choices. Live your own life.

I get enraged, and every time I hear what has happened

she just states what happened, and tells me that it feels good getting it off her chest by telling me.

She has emotional pain. She is giving it to you. You are willfully accepting it. I offer no judgement on this exchange. If it is something that you have chosen, then it is up to you to live with it, not me.

I simply advise you to be aware of what's happening.

I can't hunt the man down and hand him over to the police, because
I found out he was busted for having drugs, and went to jail.

I advise you to let go of him as an emotional target. If she dumps anger and disgust on you and you willfully adopt it, it is up to you to deal with that. Attempting to displace it onto him is unlikely to be helpful. B directing anger and/or acting vengeance upon C because of what A told B that C did to A...is dangerous ground. I advise you to not tread upon it.

This is between you and this girl, now. Not between you and someone from her past.

with every new memory I grow new hatred and disgust, and the old hatred
and disgust rises along with it. How do I fix this?

It can't be fixed. It's not "broken." You are receiving hatred and anger and disgust from her, and in so doing, allowing her to release and let go of it. This may be of benefit to her, and it is why she "feels good" and you "feel bad" in this exchange. She is giving her feelings to you, and you are accepting them. It's up to you to decide whether this is something you choose for yourself.

I caution you to be emotionally prepared for the possibility that once these emotions are gone from her, and she no longer needs someone to dump them on, she might have no further use for you.

How can I help deal with this stress on my own?

I will point out that you're asking how to deal with it on your own. Why is there no possibility of dealing with it together? Is it because she already has a copying strategy and that strategy is to give all her stress to you?

How can I deal with the stress? How can I stop myself from being so enraged

I perceive several options:

1) Walk away.

2) Transmute the anger.

3) Let go of it.

4) Find a patsy to give it away to, just as she has done.

5) Allow it to build up within you until it destroys you.

6) Allow it to build up within you until you lose control and take it out on an innocent third party.

[Haschel]

You're dealing with pretty serious issues, it's to be expected that they would take a toll on you physically and emotionally. She may not be willing to see a therapist, but are you willing to talk to one to deal with your own issues? When you have a personal problem like that, the only way you can grow from it is to deal with it- I'm not saying that in a "man up" kind of way, it's just a fact of life. Problems don't go away if left to fester. Talk about it, think about it, try to understand why this hurts you and try to find ways to cope with it. With time, effort, and a professional to help guide you it may change. If you can't or won't get a therapist, you'll likely find ways to deal with it anyway, but it may not be on the terms you're happy with. Even if someone isn't isn't trained in dealing with these things, talking to people will help, you just need to realize not everyone is going to know the right thing to say, or be able to say anything helpful to you. If you're left feeling like you didn't gain anything try again with someone else. It may take a lot of tries and some self analysis but that's just part of the process.

The fact that you've managed to stop her from previous bad habits is a good sign. Try to keep moving towards positive goals in life. Making mistakes will inevitably happen, it's important to keep a clear mind and learn how to overcome the problems that arise without getting dragged down.