I'm not sure is there is anything like this. I've been working on it off and on for a little while, so here goes:
1. Urist is never to do any engraving of any image.
1.1 That goes double for the images on coins.
1.2 That goes triple for artifacts.
2. "Edir Ishen" is never an appropriate name for an image of "dwarves laboring".
2.1 Subsequently, an image of dwarves laboring is never an appropriate image for something named "Edir Ishen".
3. Is never to refer to goblin thieves as The Dwarven Adoption Agency.
4. Is not allowed to claim a sock. Ever.
5. Urist may not offer to show his "menacing wooden spike" to any female in the fort.
5.1 This is especially true to female elven traders. The doctors will not be removing that arrow any time soon, Urist.
6. May not name an artifact corkscrew "The Tantrum Spiral", no matter how appropriate it may seem. The survivors are still on edge, and don't need any reminders.
7. No, leaving gifts out to attract kobolds to come to our fort is a bad idea.
7.1 It works. That isn't the outcome we want.
8. Do not feed the trolls, in any sense of the term.
8.1 Leading them to the booze stockpile is right out.
9. Two or more injured dwarves going berserk in the hospital is not a "cripple fight", and is not to be referred to as such.
9.1 And you may not sell tickets to any such event.
10. Suddenly jumping up and yelling "Ambush! Curse them!" in the vicinity of the Fortress Guard at any time is forbidden. Sǻkzul is still recovering in the hospital.
10.1 Yelling "Curse all friends of nature!" while the elven caravan is here is also bad. Our only mason was among the casualties, and we don't have enough coffins.
11. Do not taunt the carp.
12. Please do not attempt to breed mules ever again. They are import-only for a reason. We had to euthanize the horse and donkey. Our meat stocks were low anyway.
13. The Forgotten Beast zoo is not a petting zoo. Please do not mislead dwarven children as such. The infection is still spreading up Aban's arm.
14. Rat weed is never to be used as a recreational substance.
14.1 The last time Urist tried to smoke it, our food stockpile went up in flames, and it almost hit the booze stockpile as well.
14.2 Seriously, Urist? How the hell did you think you were going to smoke that much rat weed?
15. Is Urist is ever found in possession of a loaded crossbow, please initiate Alert 9 and Pull the Lever, IMMEDIATELY.
16. Spiking the dwarven rum with that Forgotten Beast's non-so-deadly dust was NOT funny. You're going to clean all that vomit up.
17. The following items are never to be placed into a minecart launcher:
- Training weapons.
- Booze.
- Medical Supplies.
- Gold objects of any kind. (I know the weight helps, but goddamn, that stuff's expensive.)
- Other dwarves. (Urist excepted)
- Eggs. Especially during a famine Ever. The elves are ticked off enough, even without suffering vandalism.
- Corpses. Especially during necromancer attacks. No need to increase their numbers.
- Anything on fire. (Urist excepted) On second thought, that would require an explanation of how he got set on fire.
18. Please do not refer to the hospital room with the traction benches as "the Mistress' chamber".
18.1 Do not refer to the female Chief Medical Dwarf as "the Mistress." She WILL teach you the meaning of pain.
19. Urist must never be allowed near any lever unsupervised for more than 5 seconds.
20. Placing statues of the current ruler's detested vermin in his throne room is in poor taste.
20.1 Statues of said ruler cringing in fear of said vermin is right out.
21. Wearing a sheet, hiding in the meeting hall at night, and jumping out at unsuspecting dwarves shouting "Boo!" is forbidden. Especially when there's still dead we haven't entombed yet.
22. Dwarven newborns are not to be called "li'l meatshields", no matter how accurate the term may be.
23. You may not try to ride the Forgotten Beast.
24. Replacing the Captain of the Guard's adamantine sword with a featherwood training sword painted blue with dimple dye was not amusing.
24.1 The Captain was extremely lucky to have been trained in a danger room for 3 years, or else he would not have survived that ambush. He also immigrated as a High Master Ambusher, so watch out Urist. He still has that training sword.
25. Standing under the retracting drawbridge while the humans were sieging, singing "It's Raining Men" when the bridge retracted, causing them to impale themselves on the spikes below, while amusing, was a severe safety risk to the rest of us. Don't do it again.
26. Blood for the Blood God is not an excuse to inflict bodily harm on anyone. THE HELL IT'S NOT!!
27. There is no such material as "explodium". Check the raws.
27.1 Urist is not allowed access to the raws. Anyone asking why will be subject to a Hammering.
28. Is not to imply that elves are into any form of BDSM due to anything related to rope reed.
28.1 For goblin lashers, however, this is a reasonable suggestion.
29. Urist is not allowed to produce or procure "dwarven milk", either by himself or using any volunteers for the project. Particularly if purring maggots are not available.
30. Urist is never to aquire volunteers of any kind for any endeavor.
30.1 This includes "volunteers".
30.2 And servants.
30.3 As well as levies, draftees, and conscripts.
31. If the Hammerer is using an adamantine hammer, Urist is not allowed to downplay a Hammering punishment by using "Bonk!", "Squeak!", or any other kind of sound effect.
31.1 This is doubly true the Hammerer isn't using an adamantine hammer.
32. The standard dwarven military uniform is *not* a shirt dyed red with redroot dye.
33. Even if it were possible, Urist may not have any of the following as a pet: dragons, cave dragons, Forgotten Beasts, Titans, other dwarves, carp, elephants, anything classified as a Megabeast, Giant Cave Spiders, werebeasts, other dwarves(again. Don't ask why), unicorns, or rocks.
33.1 Basically, Urist is not allowed a pet of anything bigger than himself.
33.2 Or mermaids. Good Armok, I don't even want to know why.
34. Urist is not allowed to go "Singin' in the Rain" in an evil biome.
35. Urist may not use any well to reenact any scene from 300 with human diplomats.
35.1 Or with captured goblins.
35.2 Kobolds are fine, they generally have it coming.
35.3 Elven diplomats are fine too. Those are our trees dammit.
36. When issuing a beating punishment, Urist is not to spank anyone with a training weapon.
36.1 Wait a minute, how the HELL did he get into the Fortress Guard?!
37. There is no such thing as Drawbridge Volleyrockball. Anyone attempting to play such a sport will be shot. With a ballista.
38. Successfully wrestling a cave crocodile does not give you the right to speak with an Austrailian accent. Screw that, yes it does.
39. Whem organizing a theme party, please refrain from using "Interactive Murder Mystery Theatre" as the theme, especially when there's a vampire running around.
40. Also when organizing a party, raves are forbidden. Those gem windows aren't goddamned cheap, you know.
41. Urist is not to attempt to convince somebody that he is a night creature.
42. Urist may not convince anyone they they are a night creature.
43. Urist is not allowed to design any minecart track system. We violate the laws of physics enough, thank you very much.
44. Attempting to use any form of mechanical system to build a mecha is a bad idea. It won't work, and the resulting cave-ins have caused enough damage.
45. Urist is not allowed to report any dwarves as missing, unless they are actually missing.
46. Urist may not run around with an animal trap, cage, or any spherical object, claiming that he's "gotta catch 'em all".
47. Yes, while being a dwarf implies having a degree of mental scarring, that does not mean that Urist is allowed near any dwarven child unsupervised at any time.
47.1 Having any ranks in the Teacher skill does not help.
48. Urist may not try to re-create the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan, using dwarves as Nazis on either side of the conflict.
48.1 Kobolds charging the beach against elves, on the other hand, would be extremely badass.
49. Urist is not allowed to give an elf a short sword, a wooden shield, and a green tunic, and convince them that they are the "Hero of Time".
49.1 Or "Hero of Seasons".
49.2 And please let that fairy out of the animal trap, she's suffered enough.
50. This is not a checklist.
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Topic: Things Urist is not allowed to do in the Fortress (Read 1295 times)