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[Himmelblau]

The situation is quite complicated, and I couldn't figure out a better title for the thread. I'll do my best to explain.

Some background: for a few months I have been happier and more self-confident than ever before in my life. There are some reasons for this that I can recognize, but a part of it is just irrational happiness. That, or just lack of irrational unhappiness, go figure. I am slightly worried that I might be manic or hypomanic, but I don't want to self-diagnose, and there's no need to get professional help as of yet (though I guess that's what manic people say?). Anyway, no fatal misjudgments yet or anything that I think I could possibly feel remorse about later on.

It's just that I seem to succeed at almost everything that I try, time after time after time. Not quite everything, but I can deal with failures and try to fix them if I can. I'm not afraid of making mistakes. I get positive feedback very often. I feel that I can take responsibility for my actions and keep my promises. I don't need to apologize or regret or explain, and I'm not worried or anxious about my future. It feels easy to be honest.

Also, a year-long project that I had put all my effort into, was completed two weeks ago. A LARP, actually, that I designed with three other people for the whole year. It was the only project I had for the year, as I was doing just a routine job at the same time.

So, two weeks ago I found myself in a situation with excess mental resources, and basically nothing to "spend" them to. I realized that I hadn't been honest to my girlfriend about my feelings, and we broke up. I had maintained that relationship even though it hadn't felt right for some time, just because I wanted to protect her from being hurt. Now everything's better for both of us, and we're still close friends. That's one of the things I'm proud of.

The situation I mentioned in the title has to do with another friend, who is quite seriously depressed. Let's call her A. The obvious choice would be to get her to see a psychiatrist, and that is exactly what I am primarily attempting. She is reluctant to seek help, partially because she is afraid that a diagnosed mental illness would make it more difficult to get a job. I told that healthcare history is not public information, and an employer can't take that into account (if it doesn't affect doing the job, of course), but she finds it hard to believe. She is also looking forward to her exchange year, which she is going to miss if she's still going to therapy then.

So, I'm trying to get her professional help, but I might as well try to fix the problems that caused the depression in the first place. I know I'm not responsible of her, but I just can't shrug the feeling that I have to help. This is where it gets problematic.

This person's social life is quite messed up. She has never had close friends, or many long-term friends in the first place. She feels that she can't trust anyone, that she has been disappointed too many times. She has been abused and neglected. It appears that she has had the worst luck in human relationships. She also pushes people away, and is aware of this. There are people around her whom she cares about, but who don't seem to care about her.

I feel great affection for her, and promised that I would be there for her. I hope that I will do better than everyone else. I don't think that she believes I'm serious quite yet, she is afraid that this sudden caring is just a scheme to make her feel worse.

The core of my problem, however, is yet another friend. Let's call her B. B has known A for 15 years, a longer time than anyone else has. B is also an extremely close friend of mine. B keeps warning me about not believing everything that A says, and not to become too close with her. B is afraid that A will somehow use me against her, though I have no clue of what she means with that. She said that she would explain it tonight, I'm looking forward to it.

Sounds messed up, right? Some points worth considering: B had a serious crush for me a while ago, and it still hasn't passed. I have never felt romantically about her. I have said this to her, and I take it she believes me. I have no romantic feelings for A, either. B claims that A has some feelings of that sort for me. A has a boyfriend at the moment. I wish to stay as friends with both of them, but B is somehow sure it won't work out. She is willing to give me a try, though.

At the moment I am convinced that I can solve this. There's an off-chance possibility that I'm dealing with one or two psychopaths, I haven't known either of them to be absolutely sure. B is certain that I will get myself badly hurt in this process.

I hope some of that made sense. Quite a bit of this was just venting, as I don't want to talk about this to anyone irl, to protect them both. However, feel free to give advice if you have any. I'm likely to keep you updated, in case the situation changes.

[ivanthe8th]

Your post was a little wandering, but I think what you're looking for is advice with person A and person B. I'm going to base the rest of my reply on the assumption that that's true.

First, absolutely advise person A to go get help, in particular to find a good psychologist or counselor. Let person A know that there's a big difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. A psychologist will talk with you and help provide perspective, a psychiatrist is primarily related to prescribing medication. There's absolutely nothing to worry about when seeing a psychologist or counselor. They are bound by a strict code of confidentiality and it will have no impact whatsoever on her employment prospects. Plus I can tell you from personal experience that it's extremely helpful to have an outside perspective that you can trust to help you understand your life situations, even if you don't feel anything is "wrong" per se.

Second, don't let person B's relationship with person A impact how you choose to interact with person A. I understand that person B may have legitimate reasons to warn you about person A. But you should remind her that you are quite capable of making your own judgements about the character of others. It may well be that you decide not to get too close to person A on your own. There's nothing wrong with deciding that you really would rather not be close with someone even after you've been friends for a little while. But you should make that decision about person A for yourself, rather than just "taking person B's word for it".

[LordBucket]

feel free to give advice if you have any.

I apologize if I don't explain in great detail how I got from A to B. However, here is my advice:


Look into your heart and believe that you are worthy of happiness. I forgive you. I advise you to forgive yourself. It's ok if you're happy, and I release you from any need to atone for past misdeeds.

We love you. You are part of us. And we are pat of you. Punishing yourself does not benefit us. It's ok for you to be happy.

These other people who may or may not have problems...forgive them for having problems. Do not feel obligated to make their problems your own. It is nice that you desire to help them. But imposing your solutions on another is never helpful. It is an imposition. Do not, in your desire to be helpful, attempt to impose solutions on them that they do not want. Sometimes people need to make mistakes. A child who puts their hand on a hot stove learns to not touch hot stoves. It can be difficult to watch someone hurt themselves, but refusing to allow it robs them of their free will.

Offer advice then release yourself from the results of their choice. It is their choice. Accept it.

Life your own life, not theirs.

[weenog]

You don't want any of this on you.  You think you do, but eventually you'll realize you don't, and you'll be better off if your moment of clarity isn't when you're neck deep in it.

You cannot fix people, it's up to them to fix themselves.  You cannot trust a manipulator, like the kind of person that wants to tell you "the truth" in secret where nobody can hear it or contradict it.  You can step right into the middle of other people's drama, but that never works out well no matter how pure your intentions, even Jesus Christ was tortured to death for it.

Run.  Run your ass off.  Drop a decent psychologist's business card off with A first if you like, but then run.

[Vactor]

Yeah, divorce yourself of that mess as quickly as you can politely do so. A and B have some sort of drama between themselves, which you don't want any part of.  These are the kinds of people who will consume YEARS of your life and give you nothing but grief in the end.  Some people have a bad past, but giving their pity party any attention is bad for you and bad for them.  You should give your attention to things that are positive in your life, and walk away with disinterest from the things which are negative.

I lost 3 years to one of these, its not with it.

[Himmelblau]

Thanks for the advice.

I'm thinking of this much clearer now. I was very tired when I wrote the original post. That might explain some of the wanderingness, too.

It turns out that A has a long history of misunderstanding people's (especially males') attention, getting attached to them and giving them a ridiculous choice between her and everyone else. Then she feels rejected and blames everyone else. I think I expected as much, but somehow I thought that I could be different. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

Also, it seems that B is doing a lot more for A than I expected. A has already promised to B that she will get professional help, and B is going to make sure that she keeps that promise. For now, I have no trouble believing that B can do that. I'm not nearly as worried about A anymore.

Furthermore, it's obvious that I hurt A less if I retreat now, than if I do it much later.

I still can't make the decicion to run quite yet. I feel like I must see if I can make A talk openly about her past. That way I wouldn't feel like I'm just taking B's word for it. But I'm going to wait for a while, see if the feeling changes. I couldn't contact A anyway right now. She hasn't shown up in social media for two days, and refuses to answer her phone to anyone.

[Shadowgandor]

If she really is depressed, convincing her to find help won't do her any good. Depression is usually a negative way of thinking about yourself.
''Why can't I do this?'', ''Why am I so depressed?'', ''Why can't I enjoy the little things?''. Questions like those will most likely go through her mind and attempting to convince her to seek help will only make things worse as she will feel even more ''ill'' and ''different''.
What usually helps is not to enforce the depression by talking about it, but helping her have fun. When she talks about a problem, don't go ''You need help for this!''. Don't give her a special treatment as this will only reinforce the feeling of being different.

[Himmelblau]

Hm, that might be. Though I think that trying to help a depressed person to have fun is quite probably futile, too. She's been more or less depressed for something like ten years now, though not suicidal until last spring. That was the first time that she sought professional help, too.

But anyway, she made an appointment (to a psychologist or similiar, I'm not sure) this morning, so it's all good I guess.

I just wish to be another person that she trusts. For some reason people around her don't seem to get the severity of her depression. They keep saying bad things (that might be true, but nevertheless) to her without thinking. They blame her for being a martyr and victimizing herself, as if it was her choice to become depressed and that she could just stop anytime. I can't understand how people can do that, no wonder that she sees people hostile. I don't think it would hurt if she had one more person who she could talk to?