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[x2yzh9]

I'm not going to commit suicide, but I have thought about it for so long now. The only real reason I havn't is because I know for a fact that I can't pull it off-I'm not strong enough to do that. I know that as soon as I pop the pills or start cutting my wrists, I'll freak out and say no, then I'll be shipped off to a motherfucking mental hospital for the third time-Likely leading to a long-term treatment.

Every day. Every day I deal with bullshit. It's always my mother-She brings shit up, and it stresses the shit. Ironically enough, I find that my only escape is school at this point. I don't have to deal with her there. She always comes in and starts talking to me like shit, and sometimes manages to make me cry. One time she's sat there and told me that I 'needed to cry'. Other times she just sat there continuing the berating.

In addition to her stressing the shit out of me, she is controlling beyond belief. She wants to control every aspect of everyone's life. For instance, my brother told her about how his girlfriend had slapped him earlier that day-She then ran around telling the family that she punched him(Not slapped, at least according to her) and failed to mention she had called her mother later on and threatened to press charges.

My mom is depressed, anxious, and has lost 9 pounds in the last 2-4 weeks from stress and anxiety. I can only imagine how she feels, but that does not give her an excuse to spread it to me too. She has cried and told me that she's 'sorry' and that she 'couldn't go on living without me'(She only had one child-Me, with my father before he died of cancer, and she's been grieving ever since.) and then later that night she fucking yells at me, interrupts me while I'm trying to defend myself and accuse me of being irresponsible.

Honestly, I have more freedoms at this house than I would if I was born into a different family, but the fucking emotional shit I have to go through is ridiculous. I'm tired of it.

Don't really know what else to say. Not sure if there's any advice for this, really. Just getting this out.

EDIT:I should also state I have no intent of harming myself or others. I am currently seeing a therapist and have been since I think fifth or sixth grade, but it's kind of tough because you can't just call the therapist up at any time to talk to them about something.

[Heron TSG]

Well, unfortunately I don't have very much advice for you. Whenever my family starts fighting or yelling at me, I either throw myself into schoolwork (more than usual) and ignore it, or I go for a long run that tires me out to the point where I just don't care about it anymore, and then I ignore it. It's probably not the healthiest solution, but it's an option.

[LordBucket]

Breathe.

Even if all the other circumstances of your life are beyond your control, your breathing is something that you can have complete control of. There is a calming effect to this. Without food, you would die in weeks. Without water, you would die in days. But without air, you would die in minutes. By controlling your breathing you immediately bring under your control the most important thing in the whole world to your survival.

People around you may give you stress. They may attempt to control your coming and going. They may try to control what you say, when you eat, what you do, who you see...they may curb your freedoms in many varied ways.

But they cannot control your breathing. The one thing that matters most, more than sex, more than food, more than water, more than sleep...this one thing is completely yours.

"Don't forget to breath. Very important."
--Mr. Miyagi

Ten day breathing challenge

[rarborman]

Be accepting of all life's gifts, knowing that they soon fade, as everything does.

Emotional stuff happens, life is just full of it, but it goes away or leaves you alone from time to time; you must accept that your going to be barraged by your problems, other people's problems, and the world's problems, and with those problems you must also accept happiness, for you are alive, and life is full of joys, do not deny stress upon you; but know that it does not have to stay.

[Caz]

Take control of your life.

[Rafal99]

In my humble opinion both you and your mum should see a therapist. But I know from my personal experience how hard it may be to get someone to start a therapy. You should talk about it to your mum, and tell her that you can't handle both your and her problems alone, and that she can't keep releasing all her emotions into you.

[eerr]

Be the pillar.


Stare untill she calms down.

[G-Flex]

If you've been in therapy for that long, obviously its efficacy can be called into question. Maybe it's your therapist, maybe it's the treatment regimen, or maybe it's the methodology, but obviously something isn't working. You might need to force a change there.

[TheMasterTurtle]

Whenever my family pulls that crap. I leave the house. I usually either go on a walk or go to a friends house. Either way, someone starts pulling crap with me and I just up and go, end of story.

[x2yzh9]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

   I've been thinking about CBT for a while now, but I don't really know if that'd benefit me in my situation. It seems to me that my current state of affairs isn't going to be helped much by seeing a regular therapist. She is a good therapist, I have no doubt about that, but it could just be the method, as G-Flex stated. At my next appointment I'll probably go over that with her.

She's said before that I've started to have intervals in my life, usually seperated by 1-6 months, that last equally long. I will admit that at some of those times my thinking has got irrational and far out-I used to struggle to find and utter words around my mother at one point in my depression. It's not that I didn't want to, it was just my mental state that I could not do so.

Hopefully I have found some relief. My mother told me that it has 'become apparent to her' that I'm happier when I'm away from her, so she suggested a note system instead of direct confrontation. Hopefully I'll see some success with that.

If any of you have any questions, suggestions, anything, feel free to let it out I guess.

[Vector]

When I was in a similar situation, here is what my therapist said to me:

"Every situation is made by two people.  If you can shift your side by an inch, she will have to shift hers.  And if you keep shifting, bit by bit, towards what you want--by de-escalating the conversation, being reasonable whenever you can, keeping control over yourself--soon enough you'll be there."

It worked.

[x2yzh9]

It seems like this thread is pretty done for, so I'm going to lock it. I've decided that I will inform my parents of the CBT option and talk to my therapist about it and see if I can get referred to someone for it. I had a very good day today-One of the best days I've had in at least a month or two. I realized that the next time a bad thing/chain of bad events happen, I need to be prepared, think rationally, and make the best of the situation. One of the forms of CBT looks like the best option compared to other methods of treatment, and it has shown great success, at least according to what I've read. It's very interesting and it seems simple(Since it has to do with psychology, it is probably quite complex when you actual go through CBT therapy) and, at a glance, very effective. While only time will tell if it works, I do think that at this point at least, general therapy isn't going to be as effective as in the past, and I need something that I can use for the rest of my life that will help me cope with certain situations. I'll probably talk to my mother about it tomorrow.

Since I posted the OP, we have went to the therapist and my mom has worked some things out with me, and things are currently stable and have been stable for 1-3 weeks in My relationship to her as a son living with her and interacting with her on a daily basis. I'll probably inform her of this method of therapy and ask her if she would want to read up on it, as it seems very promising at least for me.

[Azkanan]

Glad to hear all is alright, even if I was late for the thread.