Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Urist is dead tome]

"Reynolds! Reynolds!" I cried out into the night. "Why do you haunt me? Your friend!" "It is not Reynolds who haunts you! It is I, The King!" Suddenly a ghoul manifested himself in smoke. The smell wafting into my nostrils. Cigar smoke. "Foul ghost! Leave my bedside! Lest my cane find your backside!" "Youur caaane is uuuuseless against me!" Said the spectre. "No, no! Please, have mercy!" I cried as he wrenched the cane from my hands. I threw myself to the ground and cried to him: "O ghost of my king, why do you come to me as a spectre of fear? Haven't I paid tribute to you?" "You have strayed from your ways, you have become a slovenly glutton, you have forgotten the meaning of being a pal and etcetera!" "Not if I have anything to say about that!" Slap!

End of chapter one.


I'm gonna turn this into an epic poem. Y'know, me and the king get into a bunch of wacky adventures.

Your thoughts?

I would like to clarify this is supposed to be funny.

[Anticheese]

supposed to be funny

Thanks for clearing that up.

[Captain Mayday]

Thank you for the clarification. 


Seriously though, this is not good.
First of all the grammar. White space is important to legibility. A rule of thumb is that whenever a new character begins speaking, a new line begins.
Second of all, it's very simple, which in itself isn't a flaw, but here you lack any form of characterisation. We know nothing of you, save that you have a cane and a dead friend named Reynolds. We know nothing of the king, save that he probably smoked cigars and is exceedingly dead.
Third of all, a single paragraph does not a chapter make.

From the looks of things, you really intend this to be in more of a script form. So that being the case, you may as well work in that direction - it should go some way as to improving this, and will serve as an educational foundation for future works you may produce in other writing styles.

[Urist is dead tome]

Seriously though, this is not good.

I'm not a writer. I wrote this story last year and decided to post it online to see some opinions.

The King is Kind Edward. Specifically the guy who had the cigar company named after him.

The main character is me. Yes. I am pals with King Edward's ghost.