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[Euld]

Whew, here's the first chapter of a Ragnarok Online fanfiction I've been working on.  It's sort of a "what if," story, it's what if the character's I've made in the game were real, and the world were real, and how they would become adventurers.  Here's hoping you guys enjoy it, and of course, feel free to give comments and responses   Hopefully the link is working correctly...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Chapter 1

edit: oh right, the main character's name is Euld, because my character's name in RO is Euld.  So yeah.  Dunno if that was discouraging people from responding

[Euld]

Just one bump, hoping for some kind of response, even a bad response at this point.

[IronyOwl]

Having read about a third of it...

-Character just sounds downright whiny thinking he's going to stay there and work til he dies. There's also no mention of what he's feeling at the time, so it's a wooden type of whiny. Might want to mention the tone, or something.

-Pacing is a bit odd. Cleaning the fireplace sounds like a somewhat laborious task, but it's just sort of rushed into a sentence-per-step paragraph. I realize you don't want to spend all day describing what color the logs are, but short passages feel short and long passages feel long, regardless of the meaning.

-Might want to put more thought into exactly what "Ragnarok-based" means. You seem to have been going for the more literal "Yeah I'm a swordsman, so I physically can't hold a bow and have 140 hit points" feel, but it doesn't seem like you've properly meshed it with the more realistic portions like vomit and needing to eat. As a result, the parts where they talk about "what class are you" and such just sounds like bad writing.

Sorry I couldn't be more thorough, positive, or at least entertainingly critical, but at least it's something.

[Eugenitor]

-Character just sounds downright whiny thinking he's going to stay there and work til he dies. There's also no mention of what he's feeling at the time, so it's a wooden type of whiny. Might want to mention the tone, or something.

And if he thinks that's bad, he should try level grinding!

[Euld]

Woo thanks for the responses   I had a feeling Euld was sounding whiny, I'll definently do something about that in the next draft.  As for Ragnarok-based, I was aiming for "anyone can hold a bow, but only archers (and rogues *cough*) can use bow skills, so stick to your class."  Good to know that my intentions aren't coming through very clearly, and if anything, I need to establish the "rules" early on so the reader knows what to expect.  I'd say you wrote a fine critique.

[sonerohi]

I'll be honest, parts of the technical discussion, like with class and skills, sounds more sales pitch than anything else. Like with the bard and the cleric, for example. The expalanations they give sound really forced and cheesy, like an infomercial almost. I almost think you would be better of off with intense animu style yells when they do it, and then just have some knowledgable sign-up on the boat give out the explanation.