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[Blargityblarg]

I'm fairly certain it's ADSL, and I have no clue why it doesn't work when plugged in directly.

What's especially frustrating is that I had a couple of minutes of normal speed just then, but it could have been my imagination, and appeared to stop as soon as I loaded speedtest.net for the fiftieth time today =/

I'm starting to toy with the possibility that I'm somehow capped already, despite having used to Internet no more than is usual this month and never having been capped before (except for last month, which was because I was at home all day on holidays, and my cousin was using the 'Net here too.)

[G-Flex]

Honestly? I'd suggest calling your ISP. See if something's going on with your modem itself, or at their end, or with the account.

[Blargityblarg]

Yeah, we're gonna call tomorrow, 'cause apparently they aren't available on Sundays or something.

[Blargityblarg]

Resolved, turned out I'd somehow been capped in the very first  week of the month. Sorry for the waste of time/effort.