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Author Topic: UnDwarven, a DF based story  (Read 1189 times)

Demosthes

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UnDwarven, a DF based story
« on: September 27, 2010, 04:23:18 am »

I have always wanted to write on a forum like this.  And with such a world as dwarf fortress, I decided that my first piece would be Dwarf Fortress Inspired.  the story I will write will attempt to explore some of the darker sides of Dwarf Fortress.  Okay then, here is the first part...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Supermikhail

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Re: UnDwarven, a DF based story
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2010, 01:05:05 pm »

That's a sad story. :'( I expect some awesomeness if it's going to be continued. ;D Some interesting setup.

It's got some signs of not enough proofreading.

        I was alone now, an orphan in the only place I had ever known.  I had stolen a pick from the trade depot and managed to mine a little hole next to my only friend.  His groaning and the grating sound from his movements put my mind more at ease.  I once again felt as if I had a home, 1) my life was great.  Eventually though, I was going to leave that mountain.  I made a promise to myself that I would run away from Debbenmomuz once spring arrived.

   My life in Debbenmomuz was cut short soon enough.  I had just woken up to feel a cold, a bony hand against my mouth.  I tried to scream for help, but 2) his hand was quickly replaced by a cloth rag to muffle any sounds I tried to make.  I couldn't even struggle much, as my arms and legs were bound tightly with trained quickness.  I realized in horror that I was going to be yet another child stolen by the goblins.  He slung me over his back with surprising strength, and soon enough I felt the cold wind of the night upon my skin.

1) This feels wrong. Not in the meaning, of course, but in execution. It's kind of too blunt. "Great" probably doesn't fit... Or maybe in the meaning. His life wasn't very "Great!", I'd think he felt everyday-ish.

2) You haven't introduced the "he" yet. You need to do that before the sentence, or after a comma.
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